Two peas in a pod 7 years strong and we don't intend to stop. All girls should have a guy who is a friend like him. Ladies,he's single.
Sunday, July 04, 2010
Over the Years, The Cutest Uncouple You Will Ever Meet.
Two peas in a pod 7 years strong and we don't intend to stop. All girls should have a guy who is a friend like him. Ladies,he's single.
Tears of ...
Received a phone call that reduced me to tears....in a good way. I made a promise to God last month and ever since he has been showing off with the blessings. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, God prepared me mind, body, and spirit to receive the apology and so now the gap is closed. Thank you Father. All the struggles and heartache I faced was just God's way of building me up to that moment. FINALLY validation and a kindred understanding that they knew EXACTLY how I was feeling. Sometimes people who contribute knowingly and unknowing to another person's pain, don't feel they have done any wrong.
It's an unfortunate situation, but when they do know and have searched their heart..that means there is growth. I cried so hard, I needed to hear that...that's all I needed was true sincere acknowledgment for the actions and it was done. I tell you God has been opening so many doors and I am running through them. Look how amazing and fast he works, just a month ago I was feeling like I had no fight in my left(even though I am the come back kid). He said just have faith in me, and look at what I am about to do for you and your son....watch me work! At this point it feels like Christmas to me...with gifts(I never get gifts I want,lol),I am like what's next...really excited. Again Father, I know I am a work in progress. I thank you for staying in the fight with me and for me....I love you.
It's an unfortunate situation, but when they do know and have searched their heart..that means there is growth. I cried so hard, I needed to hear that...that's all I needed was true sincere acknowledgment for the actions and it was done. I tell you God has been opening so many doors and I am running through them. Look how amazing and fast he works, just a month ago I was feeling like I had no fight in my left(even though I am the come back kid). He said just have faith in me, and look at what I am about to do for you and your son....watch me work! At this point it feels like Christmas to me...with gifts(I never get gifts I want,lol),I am like what's next...really excited. Again Father, I know I am a work in progress. I thank you for staying in the fight with me and for me....I love you.
Monday, June 28, 2010
So Far
So far Brian's funeral, it was like 25 years since I saw any of my old friends. Lizz Wright concert, Easter egg hunt, best friend took me on a cruise, Ximena graduated, hung out with my picture husband Troy,James poking his head in the back, Memorial Day cookout,went to see my old tour mate Chinah Blac for Can A Sista Rock A Mic, she killed it, Nicci showed up and she sang her heart out, took Jackson to his first baseball game, giving the blue eyes at a birthday party Khristi(photographer) is amazing behind the camera. Oh yeah your girl did it, I got a 2.9 GPA..3 A's, 3 B's and a C...not happy about the C...but it's better than a D. I really need to find ways to study before fall semester starts because things will get harder. I've got moving on the brain...really want to move to Europe in the next few years. I need to set some things up once I graduate and then we are out of here. For now SC,NC and TX. I was able to interview with an employer down in SC...my friends really came through...like always. Still pending, it's in God's hands.
Men to the left and right and to be honest...I am so lazy. I might not be ready...to tired to be honest and no time for men who are unprepared. I am doing to job of two parents in one household, so social time is challenging right now...but I do what I can. As I am typing this...my little one is right up under me.
Soooo I won't call him a "friend" but he is hella yummy physically. I love a man that works out. He's checking me out, but he is shy...so it's like talking to a bashful 13 year old boy...only cute for so long. I don't want to lead him on, but I don't know how to cut him loose without hurting his feelings. Then there was the guy I thought was a thug. We had our first phone conversation and he was so articulate...I judged...I was wrong(shame on me). Not sure I am attracted, time will tell. Ahhh then there is him...I think he thinks, I am supposed to be available for him all the time. He's really yummy but I am sure I don't want him on a serious level. We met over a year ago and I am still not smitten. It's crazy the men I meet are real lookers, educated and seemingly sweet...but really shy and lacking in self confidence.
Jackson...what can I say...getting big. Did I tell you we had our first field trip, train ride, baseball game, Six Flags...oh we have been all over the place. He's a ball of energy, no wonder I am tired all the time lol. I am so in love with being a mother. I was told it would not happen for me and now I have the privilege and honor.I would love a little girl and then I am done. I guess I might want to get a man and then act like I want to keep him(marry him)first. No more baby mamma for me, it's tough in many ways,but I do know I want another...love child? There would have to be special support on that one the father would need to be very supportive. I did it alone before, but "IF" I had to, Daddy needs to be hands on. Last year was a breeze, love all around, extra help...no regrets. I am happy I got a taste of what It could be like, now I want it all the time. I never had a guy around my son romantically, but I appreciated all he did from the outside.
What else...oh went to NC to check out homes, jobs, celebrated Nicci's birthday and see my God-Brother. Larry paid for my ticket and so I hung out in NYC last weekend...had a ball. We danced the night away, went to Coney Island, Church and then I beat it back to DC...I love Larry(friends to the end)Well I have a long day ahead and I must get myself together. It was good, see you in a couple of days.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Love never dies...
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Interracial Dating And Supporting Barack Obama [Video]
"The BLACK WOMAN is much much more committed to the black man, then it appears we are to them" -Minister Louis Farrakhan
Minister Farrakhan Speaks On Interracial Dating And Supporting Barack Obama [Video]
Minister Farrakhan Speaks On Interracial Dating And Supporting Barack Obama [Video]
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Fine Line
So I have been torn for some time now...on being patient or just throwing caution to the wind and making it happen. I did something the other night that was very reminiscent of the old me...6 years ago. Would like to have another child but with the economy the way it is...I just don't know. I am pressing it out in school and that along with my very active 2 1/2 year old...I just don't know. I am sure my grades look good but I wish I had more time to myself to study they way I need and like to. Even with a mate...certain things are not guaranteed.
I will be 40 in 4 years...would like to have my degree by then another child...a little girl will do and have moved. I am also thinking about moving to London, I have family and friends there so starting over would not be too hard. Who knows where the wind will take my little guy and I, all I know is Mamma is on her hustle to set things back on track for both of us, hubby or not ,lol. Walking a fine line on age and priorities.
I hope the summer has a good balance for me, I rarely get time or money to do anything so I am hoping that we can make it work. I am still looking for work and don't think I have money for summer school. To be honest I don't know If I could sit in a two and a half hour class, while it's hot outside... I just don't know.
Car needs another part..UGH!!!!!!! Lord knows I need my ride, it gets the lil one and I everywhere and I would be so limited without it. God will work it out, I have been blessed to get help thus far...so I am trusting him.
I will be 40 in 4 years...would like to have my degree by then another child...a little girl will do and have moved. I am also thinking about moving to London, I have family and friends there so starting over would not be too hard. Who knows where the wind will take my little guy and I, all I know is Mamma is on her hustle to set things back on track for both of us, hubby or not ,lol. Walking a fine line on age and priorities.
I hope the summer has a good balance for me, I rarely get time or money to do anything so I am hoping that we can make it work. I am still looking for work and don't think I have money for summer school. To be honest I don't know If I could sit in a two and a half hour class, while it's hot outside... I just don't know.
Car needs another part..UGH!!!!!!! Lord knows I need my ride, it gets the lil one and I everywhere and I would be so limited without it. God will work it out, I have been blessed to get help thus far...so I am trusting him.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Men and the Love They Deserve
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, only with what you are expecting to give; which is everything." -Katherine Hepburn
So I know this particular fellow has been poking me on facebook and making a point to speak when I help host the alumni events. He's more than a little good looking and has a bit of a rep for being a ladies man. Why me?...am I the one who is not tangible? I guess because I don't pay to much never mind to men they flock to me. So we connect and I am expecting this uber suave, fast talking, selfish asshole...NOT EVEN. Soft, extra shy, intimidated by me,nervous, scared,and says sorry way too much. He's so damaged it's sad. I think we assume that men don't need to be cared for. I had to tell him he deserved good honest, monogamous, healthy, good love. He told me in his head I would make the perfect girlfriend or wife if it were right, right now.
Awwwwww *Tears* Not really but it was a sweet thing to say. I don't really have it in me to hold any guys hand, nor do I want to...no time. I told him I was not judging him as he proceeded to tell me about how he has a hard time connecting with women. He said he struggle because of his shyness, and the women he has interest in seem so far out of his reach. He went onto say he found me attractive and loved my drive as far as school and raising my son. I told him I respect and cherish his feelings and that it was cute he thought so much of me.
Our connection was to say the least...interesting.
So I know this particular fellow has been poking me on facebook and making a point to speak when I help host the alumni events. He's more than a little good looking and has a bit of a rep for being a ladies man. Why me?...am I the one who is not tangible? I guess because I don't pay to much never mind to men they flock to me. So we connect and I am expecting this uber suave, fast talking, selfish asshole...NOT EVEN. Soft, extra shy, intimidated by me,nervous, scared,and says sorry way too much. He's so damaged it's sad. I think we assume that men don't need to be cared for. I had to tell him he deserved good honest, monogamous, healthy, good love. He told me in his head I would make the perfect girlfriend or wife if it were right, right now.
Awwwwww *Tears* Not really but it was a sweet thing to say. I don't really have it in me to hold any guys hand, nor do I want to...no time. I told him I was not judging him as he proceeded to tell me about how he has a hard time connecting with women. He said he struggle because of his shyness, and the women he has interest in seem so far out of his reach. He went onto say he found me attractive and loved my drive as far as school and raising my son. I told him I respect and cherish his feelings and that it was cute he thought so much of me.
Our connection was to say the least...interesting.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Just a little while longer
I have 2 classes on Monday, lil one is sick, my research paper is due on Thursday, did I say my lil one is sick. I also have to write an essay to try and win a scholarship, I really could use it. God I am calling for a healing and a sitter so I can go to class. The car was jerking last night, I can't afford for my ride to go down, trying to not stress out. Got to be strong hold on, hold on. Let's just say one day at a time sweet Jesus. I just need my baby boy to get better, I hate to see him suffer. If I could take on his pain I would. Something has got to give.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Love is a Verb...You just have to do it!
Semester is almost over thank Gawd!!!!!!!!!. I have to give him praise because so many times I felt like throwing in the towel. I was sick so many times, Jackson was sick, my ankle is still in a lot of pain. I was Aunt Em in The Wiz, took Mid-Terms and now buckling down for Finals. So many nights I came home, got Jackson feed, bathed, loved on and off to bed only to fall asleep studying. Waking up in the clothes from the day before only to do it all again. Still looking for a job, no luck so far but I refuse to stress out. I REFUSE TO STRESS OUT even though my English Professor got sick and we finally got a replacement sort of. She slams us with a 5 page research paper for our final...really lady...like I got time. Either way I want to pass, so it has to get done.
I need to be worth my weight in salt meaning:In the middle ages salt was very rare and valuable, so a person "worth their weight" was a person who was needed and valuable. Wiki
I never really ever have time to study, love on Jackson,spend time with him or really take a moment to relax. I spend most of my time playing catch up...not good, my house is a wreck. I feel guilty at times because I don't get the quality time with my son like I want and need. I feel like I made this commitment to go back to school and finish my degree. The sacrifices need to be made for a better tomorrow. I pray that there will be some balance but for now I won't complain..praise GOD!
I need to be worth my weight in salt meaning:In the middle ages salt was very rare and valuable, so a person "worth their weight" was a person who was needed and valuable. Wiki
I never really ever have time to study, love on Jackson,spend time with him or really take a moment to relax. I spend most of my time playing catch up...not good, my house is a wreck. I feel guilty at times because I don't get the quality time with my son like I want and need. I feel like I made this commitment to go back to school and finish my degree. The sacrifices need to be made for a better tomorrow. I pray that there will be some balance but for now I won't complain..praise GOD!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Wiz
So my return to the stage was such a rewarding feeling. I really wish I could do more but with Jackson I know it will be close to impossible. My friends and family really helped but it was a lot of running all over the place to get Jackson situated,I so cherish there love and support. As soon as I hit the stage Jackson ran down the isle to the front of the theater "MOMMY"...it was too cute. All that I do I do for him. I think if steady income was in place, paying a sitter would ease the worry I have about pursuing my dreams. I am trying to live my dreams so that he can one day dream to be all his heart desires. Here are some pictures from The Wiz...pictures of my friends and family are also on Facebook.
Thanks for all your love and support.
Thanks for all your love and support.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I will be taking on the role of Aunt Em...though my part is small I worked really hard. With school a very energetic two year old, I reluctantly took on this role. I was afraid of trying to do too much, but I love to perform. I often times find myself torn between my dreams and passions and being a good mother and student. I will save that rant for another blog. Anwho come check me out in the Wiz this week, I promise you will have a ball.
THE WIZ at The University of the District of Columbia
Live musical with a great band and performers.
Come join four friends who meet along the way on their fantastic journey in the magical land of Oz, for their common search to find whats already within. Through music, dancing, and friendships built...you will be in for a treat. Show dates & times are as follows:
March 25th - 28th;
Thur@ 10am,
Fri @ 7pm,
Sat 3 @ 7pm,
Sun @ 7pm
More shows to be announced
Ticket prices are $12.50 for general admission
$7.50 for all students
$5 for children 12 & under
for those interested in paying via PAYPAL, please send interests to David A. Richardson, drichardson06@yahoo.com
Saturday, February 27, 2010
I Won!
National Children's Dental Health Month
So there was a contest to win a fifty dollar gift card and a pizza party for my son's classroom. The requirement was either a song,poem or poster. I made a poster as well as a poem and included fun dental facts. When I went to pick up my part of the prize there was a beautifully hand written card. I worked hard on it and I am proud that I was able to do that for my son. Education is very important and I need to be a consistent example.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
To My Son by ADDicted
To My Son by ADDicted
Five times a day
I pray as hard as I can
to be an example for him
Every Bismillaah ir rahmaan ir raheem
I pray for my sins
I pray for GOD to protect him
You see, I loved him before I met him
Now, that I know him,
I’m in love again
My son
I will always be your first kiss
Your first love
As long as, we both shall live
Now, I reminisce about the
9 months that bought us to this
And the stretches that mark
My stomach, hips and thighs
I am filled with pride
as I look at my child
My son, My heart,
my love, the reason I exist
Always, always remember this….
I love you and I will always cherish
Every smile, every laugh, every kiss
As I reminisce
My son
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Round Midnight
Working on this piece.
It begins to tell,
'round midnight, midnight.
I do pretty well, till after sundown,
Suppertime I'm feelin' sad;
But it really gets bad,
'round midnight.
Memories always start 'round midnight
Haven't got the heart to stand those memories,
When my heart is still with you,
And ol' midnight knows it, too.
When a quarrel we had needs mending,
Does it mean that our love is ending.
Darlin' I need you, lately I find
You're out of my heart,
And I'm out of my mind.
Let our hearts take wings'
'round midnight, midnight
Let the angels sing,
for your returning.
Till our love is safe and sound.
And old midnight comes around.
Feelin' sad,
really gets bad
Round, Round, Round Midnight
(A pale and lonely moon
Lights the sky in the dark
Before the dawn
I sit here in my room how I sigh
For the day that's come and gone
Another lonely day passes by
And a new day's coming on
At midnight
Tears I've shed today
Will pause waiting until tomorrow
Dreams of what could become close to me
Timidly
There's a brand new day in sight
At that time 'round midnight
Life's a game of chance
And you're one of the minor players
Look for what you love
The day to come harbours some
Let your spirit stop the fight
At that time 'round midnight
Every day's gonna bring some sadness
Every day's gonna bring some gladness
So take what you can of the glad times
Don't measure your pleasure in nickels and dines
You better look back on the day
And you'll know when you've been unhappy
Fears don't chased away just mighty might have the day
Let your eyes put out their light
At that time round midnight
I'll think no more about today
For in a while this old day will be yesterday
Alone at midnight here in my room
I sit here in the gloom
And let my dreams take flight
'Round 'bout midnight
It begins to tell,
'round midnight, midnight.
I do pretty well, till after sundown,
Suppertime I'm feelin' sad;
But it really gets bad,
'round midnight.
Memories always start 'round midnight
Haven't got the heart to stand those memories,
When my heart is still with you,
And ol' midnight knows it, too.
When a quarrel we had needs mending,
Does it mean that our love is ending.
Darlin' I need you, lately I find
You're out of my heart,
And I'm out of my mind.
Let our hearts take wings'
'round midnight, midnight
Let the angels sing,
for your returning.
Till our love is safe and sound.
And old midnight comes around.
Feelin' sad,
really gets bad
Round, Round, Round Midnight
(A pale and lonely moon
Lights the sky in the dark
Before the dawn
I sit here in my room how I sigh
For the day that's come and gone
Another lonely day passes by
And a new day's coming on
At midnight
Tears I've shed today
Will pause waiting until tomorrow
Dreams of what could become close to me
Timidly
There's a brand new day in sight
At that time 'round midnight
Life's a game of chance
And you're one of the minor players
Look for what you love
The day to come harbours some
Let your spirit stop the fight
At that time 'round midnight
Every day's gonna bring some sadness
Every day's gonna bring some gladness
So take what you can of the glad times
Don't measure your pleasure in nickels and dines
You better look back on the day
And you'll know when you've been unhappy
Fears don't chased away just mighty might have the day
Let your eyes put out their light
At that time round midnight
I'll think no more about today
For in a while this old day will be yesterday
Alone at midnight here in my room
I sit here in the gloom
And let my dreams take flight
'Round 'bout midnight
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Happy Valentine's Day..Birthday approching
I think most women like flower and candy...I'll skip the candy but a balloon and some tulips will do. Really the love is more important than anything that could be purchased. Romance should not always be measured in what is paid for,but rather how you really appreciate the other person. Love should be show everyday. I have never had "love" on Valentine's Day and that's fine by me.I wish happiness to all in love or in like.
Birthday will be here soon, not totally checked in....shoulders hurt. Very tense. So much to do and no time to get all excited about it. I am thankful. I have the best gift every year...my son.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Captain's Log
Yes...It's 3:42 am. Jackson went down hours ago but I still have a ton of projects to finish. There is a contest at his school to win 50.00 dollars...I so need it,so instead of doing one part of the contest I am doing two. I wrote a poem and still have a couple of pictures to draw and cut out for a poster. I am still working on one essay and need to start the other for my English Composition class, not to mention read a book. I still need to go over my scales,chords and blocks, rehearse my lines for the play. Hard trying to juggle it all and be a mother at the same time but it is my life.
You would think that this snow storm has provided me ample rest and opportunity, but with children they come first. My son does not recognize that I need some time to do things for myself, he's just a baby. Even though I have so much to do for school, my son's need to interact with me is very important. Either he wants me to dance with him to Barney or he is begging me for gwapes,lol. I only used 1 pull up today YAY!
You would think that this snow storm has provided me ample rest and opportunity, but with children they come first. My son does not recognize that I need some time to do things for myself, he's just a baby. Even though I have so much to do for school, my son's need to interact with me is very important. Either he wants me to dance with him to Barney or he is begging me for gwapes,lol. I only used 1 pull up today YAY!
You asked I Answer
After having my son I found it very difficult due to the fact that I has no assistance. I recall being tired and in so much pain and asked to move around way before I was physically ready. I did not say anything due to the fact that I was made to feel as if my pain was minimal when I was unknowingly in my early stages of pregnancy. I was exhausted beyond words and was dealing with incredible pain in my back. I was told, what I was dealing with was nothing. I still worry now that people will think I am being "extra" when I am in pain, so I remain silent. I have to remind myself that is how someone who did not have my best interest treated me and that people who really care about you, will express an urgent concern. So ladies with that said...make sure you have an amazing partner and support team. I was somewhat able to rely on my friends and family and to this day I thank them. Below is so advice you can take to the bank with you.
What can I do to get my home ready for a mom recovering from a c-section?
The new mom recovering from a c-section is recovering from major abdominal surgery. Stairs are often very challenging if not altogether 'banned'. Create a space in the main area of your home for the mom to nest. In my house it was our lay-z-boy in the living room. A table should be nearby and sturdy enough to hold a few books, a telephone (whose ringer can be turned off), a big glass of water and a small plate of snacks. Make sure to have a few pillows of different sizes and shapes on hand - especially if she is breastfeeding. Pillows help the mom support her baby without putting pressure on her healing tummy. Do not expect her to cook and clean for the first few weeks. Recruit help from friends and family, but also remember that a mom recovering from a c-section needs peace and quiet. Now is not the time for her to feel like she must entertain. The sort of help you need is someone to deliver pre-cooked meals for you or whisk away your older children and shower them with some attention.
What can I do to get my home ready for a mom recovering from a c-section?
The new mom recovering from a c-section is recovering from major abdominal surgery. Stairs are often very challenging if not altogether 'banned'. Create a space in the main area of your home for the mom to nest. In my house it was our lay-z-boy in the living room. A table should be nearby and sturdy enough to hold a few books, a telephone (whose ringer can be turned off), a big glass of water and a small plate of snacks. Make sure to have a few pillows of different sizes and shapes on hand - especially if she is breastfeeding. Pillows help the mom support her baby without putting pressure on her healing tummy. Do not expect her to cook and clean for the first few weeks. Recruit help from friends and family, but also remember that a mom recovering from a c-section needs peace and quiet. Now is not the time for her to feel like she must entertain. The sort of help you need is someone to deliver pre-cooked meals for you or whisk away your older children and shower them with some attention.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Pressing the Restart Button
So Sy and I talked yesterday, very emotional conversation. He quoted something I told him months ago that still holds hope. I thought it was sweet and I did not tell him he was wrong, but I still said good bye in a not so distant way. I care and love him very much but it is time for me to move on. We had a very beautiful intimate relationship that will probably never die in our hearts.
He made me feel beautiful inside and out. He was not a selfish lover in or out the bedroom and Lord forgive me some of the best sex I have EVER had. He is a marathon lover who took his time to please me...and in turn I wanted to do all I could to make him happy...in and out the bed room. I never usually talk about two things my son's father or sex but today I am talking about sex. Yes I broke my celibacy and I am not upset about it at all. I was celibate for a little over two years. I was with my son's father on February 16, 2007 and no one until March 14, 2009... good huh,lol. No regrets.
When a man takes the time to appreciate a woman past the physical and really wants to make her happy, he will find sexually pleasing her as a must. Women are emotional and if he doesn't stimulate the heart...it's just a f&%$. Don't get me wrong do what ya do, but in a healthy relationship there needs to be that connection.
I miss the foreplay and the extended lovemaking, tough act to follow. I am open to dating again but Sy is such a gentleman that these city boys know nothing about. Sy courted me and I felt like the bell of the ball all the time when I was with him. I won't hold a score card up every time because that's not fair but whoever "he" is better bring it. Sy is the second man I have been involved with that knew that being there for his woman was essential. Hayden was the first...he was a nut and another story. All in all that laid a wonderful foundation and set the standard for being treated well.
He made me feel beautiful inside and out. He was not a selfish lover in or out the bedroom and Lord forgive me some of the best sex I have EVER had. He is a marathon lover who took his time to please me...and in turn I wanted to do all I could to make him happy...in and out the bed room. I never usually talk about two things my son's father or sex but today I am talking about sex. Yes I broke my celibacy and I am not upset about it at all. I was celibate for a little over two years. I was with my son's father on February 16, 2007 and no one until March 14, 2009... good huh,lol. No regrets.
When a man takes the time to appreciate a woman past the physical and really wants to make her happy, he will find sexually pleasing her as a must. Women are emotional and if he doesn't stimulate the heart...it's just a f&%$. Don't get me wrong do what ya do, but in a healthy relationship there needs to be that connection.
I miss the foreplay and the extended lovemaking, tough act to follow. I am open to dating again but Sy is such a gentleman that these city boys know nothing about. Sy courted me and I felt like the bell of the ball all the time when I was with him. I won't hold a score card up every time because that's not fair but whoever "he" is better bring it. Sy is the second man I have been involved with that knew that being there for his woman was essential. Hayden was the first...he was a nut and another story. All in all that laid a wonderful foundation and set the standard for being treated well.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
You Again part 2
Even though the kiss was sweet and I was a bit hopeful...I still proceed with caution. Looks like there will be no reconnection here,sad but we seem to have bad timing. God knows what's in store and I can't be mad at that. It felt good to be kissed and kissed by him...missed EVERY SINGLE good and not so good thing about him. I love you but now I have to walk away for good. I have a son and a life I have to live free. If it is to be God will make a way.
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Monday, January 04, 2010
Heart is Full
I love you more than all the words in all the books in all the world. I love you lil one and I will always be by your side. You are the best part of everyday and the rest of my life. I am doing all I can to be the best mother I can be to you. I will make mistakes sometimes,but know I always want the best for you. I will always protect and defend you. You are the best thing I have ever done with my life.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Feeling feelings of Resposibility
To love someone is to wait for them BUT you must also love yourself enough to know when to walk away! Some people think holding on to "PEOPLE" and/or "THINGS" make you strong, but very often it's letting go that STRENGTHENS you! ~Rev Run
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. Now how do we coexist?
I have to fall in love with myself all over again. I will admit that love is attracted to me, but I have found that I am only capable of holding on to certain types of love. I am grateful for the ability to be self aware. I know what I expect,want and need out of all my relationships. I also know what I need to bring to each so that It can be successful. I will admit I have not done certain things just because and the relationship has faded, I don't know if I feel bad about that. What I do know is that I am learning everyday.
The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. Now how do we coexist?
I have to fall in love with myself all over again. I will admit that love is attracted to me, but I have found that I am only capable of holding on to certain types of love. I am grateful for the ability to be self aware. I know what I expect,want and need out of all my relationships. I also know what I need to bring to each so that It can be successful. I will admit I have not done certain things just because and the relationship has faded, I don't know if I feel bad about that. What I do know is that I am learning everyday.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Newly Elected
I was recently elected Chairman for Parent Policy at my son's school. It's like the PTA for Head Start and it's an honor to serve.
? What is it?
So my Ex called to check on the lil one and I...yes folks...he included me. Crazy right? Left me wondering if there were explosives under my car or chickened out on the hit he put on me and the hit-man missed the cancel call,lmbo hahahahah!
I was shocked because he has NEVER done that. I wonder if he is ok?...I mean like did he need something emotionally and did not know how to ask? Even though I spit fire sometimes and bust his balls once in awhile... I will always be there if he really needed me. Usually when folks who are not readily nice or inquisitive about you have an alternate motive. I feel sad because I don't trust kind gestures from him...who knows one day maybe. What is it?
I was shocked because he has NEVER done that. I wonder if he is ok?...I mean like did he need something emotionally and did not know how to ask? Even though I spit fire sometimes and bust his balls once in awhile... I will always be there if he really needed me. Usually when folks who are not readily nice or inquisitive about you have an alternate motive. I feel sad because I don't trust kind gestures from him...who knows one day maybe. What is it?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Ramblings
I just want and need to pass all my finals. I got school on the brain for spring but I need a break like yesterday. I fractured my ankle last month and now I have to have physical therapy now...in pain most of the time now .Mike is back in my life sort of...not sure how far I need and want to let him in. He cut his locks off...all off. The same beautiful locks that fell below his booty...I miss them but understand his reasons, he's still the same beautiful person inside and out. Men are so weird, I am glad I am learning self-aware because if not I would be in a world of mess. I used to be oblivious to what was going on with them but now I am starting to understand what I need and want it... makes it easier to weed out the bad ones.
Finals are coming up....Uggghhhh! I am so happy that I made it...I think. Struggling in 2 classes. I usually have no time to study....go figure I have a beautiful two year old all over me and the house wanting to play and love on me. I cussed the Ex out...ask God to forgive me, hope he hears my prayers. I don't want my transgressions to hold me back. Lord knows I try so hard to stay positive and not let him get under my skin. I love him, I just hate his attitude,somehow he has become the victim in our nonexistent relationship which is amazing to me. Insufferable!!!!
Well I am off again but I will talk to you soon. I hope next time we talk I will have obtained some sleep.
Finals are coming up....Uggghhhh! I am so happy that I made it...I think. Struggling in 2 classes. I usually have no time to study....go figure I have a beautiful two year old all over me and the house wanting to play and love on me. I cussed the Ex out...ask God to forgive me, hope he hears my prayers. I don't want my transgressions to hold me back. Lord knows I try so hard to stay positive and not let him get under my skin. I love him, I just hate his attitude,somehow he has become the victim in our nonexistent relationship which is amazing to me. Insufferable!!!!
Well I am off again but I will talk to you soon. I hope next time we talk I will have obtained some sleep.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
End of the Day
Just got in 11:45pm...I need to bath my son and I and do it all over again tomorrow. It's not fair that he is up this late but it's just he and I,and Mommy has to make things work the best way she can. I pray that it pays off for the both of us. I thank God for my mother,even though she is not well, she is ALWAYS there for my son.
School was cool today but once I can get childcare for my son I can really enjoy it and get into it more. Tomorrow is a new day and I have to see about getting the gas cut back on(slumlord)..as well as the phone. I am determined to make it all work for my son and I. Have you seen my spot of joy? He is brilliant and I love him.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I Will Not Lament by AE Jones
So my girl and I have been talking about love and life. She sends me her poetry from time to time. She must have been running around in my head and heart when she cranked this one out....gotta love her. Thanks AE.
Lament
I never liked the way I fell in love with you,
real hard, too genuine.
You never knew that I fasted and prayed to God often,
most times for me and others, and sometimes for you.
Though I foresaw me getting hurt, I chose not to run.
I have always been a government of suffering
So I figured, one more hurt might finally kill me.
For me it was a blind and broken time.
I was broken and in the midst of healing I was blinded by the idea of holiness.
Be optimistic: see past external, search him for all that is good.
Be selfless: give of me and ask for nothing in return.
Be genuine: dwell in truth and fear not vulnerability.
With all guards down, the truth became too painful for me to endure.
Your rejection made me crazy.
I was angry; you weren’t supposed to see me cry.
I wanted my tears back.
(Those one hundred and fifty calls, were punch-drunk- love attempts at reparations)
All of my guiding lights seemed to disappear,
The holy path disintegrated,
and I realized
that heaven is merely a mythical place that gives those who are afraid to die
something to believe in.
My heart hurt beyond recognition, wondering
“why won’t this love shit just go away”?
I no longer need to believe in Heaven because I’m not afraid to die.
I no longer want to be holy because God isn’t.
I no longer seek love because it’s unmerciful.
It seems to be that
all of the world around you is safely in your keeping,
including your heart.
I envy that.
I’m glad to be kept at a distance both by fate and you.
I have no non-requited love remedies, nor a place of asylum,
So I drink a toast to an inevitable withdrawal.
I will not lament.
From this point on, friendship silenced,
and memories dismantled.
This leaves us each with a line that will trace back
to nothing.
Lament
I never liked the way I fell in love with you,
real hard, too genuine.
You never knew that I fasted and prayed to God often,
most times for me and others, and sometimes for you.
Though I foresaw me getting hurt, I chose not to run.
I have always been a government of suffering
So I figured, one more hurt might finally kill me.
For me it was a blind and broken time.
I was broken and in the midst of healing I was blinded by the idea of holiness.
Be optimistic: see past external, search him for all that is good.
Be selfless: give of me and ask for nothing in return.
Be genuine: dwell in truth and fear not vulnerability.
With all guards down, the truth became too painful for me to endure.
Your rejection made me crazy.
I was angry; you weren’t supposed to see me cry.
I wanted my tears back.
(Those one hundred and fifty calls, were punch-drunk- love attempts at reparations)
All of my guiding lights seemed to disappear,
The holy path disintegrated,
and I realized
that heaven is merely a mythical place that gives those who are afraid to die
something to believe in.
My heart hurt beyond recognition, wondering
“why won’t this love shit just go away”?
I no longer need to believe in Heaven because I’m not afraid to die.
I no longer want to be holy because God isn’t.
I no longer seek love because it’s unmerciful.
It seems to be that
all of the world around you is safely in your keeping,
including your heart.
I envy that.
I’m glad to be kept at a distance both by fate and you.
I have no non-requited love remedies, nor a place of asylum,
So I drink a toast to an inevitable withdrawal.
I will not lament.
From this point on, friendship silenced,
and memories dismantled.
This leaves us each with a line that will trace back
to nothing.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
What does the Future Hold?
In a funk but still functioning today. I have no choice...I am a mother lil one is sick and will probably take him to the doctor if he is not better by Tuesday. I threw up 3 times on Friday. It was not a good look because I was at a beautiful beach house and could not even enjoy it. On top of not feeling well I have a major decision about my life and the direction it will go. It hurts really bad and I hate having to do it.
I hate crying because it's so physically and emotionally draining but I could not stop the flow. Feeling very defeated, heartbroken and helpless. Sometimes we can want what we want...but it's not always best for us...or is it? I have to remember that no matter what my heart says."Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again."
I hate crying because it's so physically and emotionally draining but I could not stop the flow. Feeling very defeated, heartbroken and helpless. Sometimes we can want what we want...but it's not always best for us...or is it? I have to remember that no matter what my heart says."Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again."
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Find Your Happiness and Run With It
I said that yesterday on my Facebook page. I got a lot of great responses mainly because we all need hope. I go through the highs and lows of life and I am happy that at the end of the day I am still standing.
I was feeling pretty low last week when my bank account had been on E and they closed my savings. I have been doing all I can to find work, take care of my child and try to revive the artist in myself. I am spent. It's hard to write a song with a screaming baby in your ear, hence the time this blog is being written.
I want to sing again, act again,go back to school, move, find employment, buy a home,fall in love, get married, have another child,be happy and run with it.
The things I want in life are not just for me now, but for Jackson. Doing it by myself has not been easy but I am stronger than I thought...to God be the Glory. I need for my son to see that sometimes your will not have every one's support, you can accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.
Friday, June 26, 2009
For Reals I am Tired
This week has been so full, full of everything. I have my nephew and niece over and Jackson, a ton of fun but a bunch of work. Father's Day was amazing the kids and I had lunch and played the rest of the beautiful day. It was great being honored even though I am not a father, I just do the work of one,lol. It was also great to honor the men who really step in to help me, I really appreciate them.
God help me,I miss my old life and I pray for the struggling families like myself affected by the crush in the economy. Recession
God help me,I miss my old life and I pray for the struggling families like myself affected by the crush in the economy. Recession
Beware of the Crazy Folks
When people call you crazy, it's just their way of say you don't exist. Often times when people say and do things other folks don't agree with, it's easier for them to dismiss you by calling you crazy.
It's rude and very insulting and often times used way to loosely. Oh don't mind him or her there "crazy"...in other words don't listen to them, what they have to say does not matter. Be careful who you call crazy, you could be missing out on some great in site.
"The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. 'I don't understand this person. So they're crazy.' That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick."
Dave Chappelle
It's rude and very insulting and often times used way to loosely. Oh don't mind him or her there "crazy"...in other words don't listen to them, what they have to say does not matter. Be careful who you call crazy, you could be missing out on some great in site.
"The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. 'I don't understand this person. So they're crazy.' That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick."
Dave Chappelle
Saturday, June 06, 2009
I want to live in a world where hate does not exist.
Please, before you watch this, know that it is very offensive to African Americans and all Americans. This video pissed us off and made us holler back at the screen. Their actions and portrayals appear to be just as hateful and dangerous as the KKK.
Video from livesteez
Video from livesteez
Sleep where is it at 3:37 am
Lil has awoken, he's calling my name...well "Ma" like a million times. He's agitated and so am I. I want to sleep... He screams "Ma"!!! to the top of his lungs. Go to bed baby, Mama is tired.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Forgive
So back in the day when I fronted a band, I had a blow out with a former member. He said some things and done some things I said some things, it was really bad. I felt disrespected in the situation and needed him out of the equation. So he has since reached out to me twice, the first time I ignored him and this time I asked the question.
What do you want from me? Why do you keep trying to be my friend? I explained to him why I distanced myself and he asked to be forgiven. He apparently was not in a good place in his life and took it out on others. I can understand that and I can forgive him. I am not saying we are going to be kicking back with a few brews but I have let our past go.
There are things I have learned to let go and I am working hard to structure who I am to deal better when people are not kind. I know we will all make mistakes, I just have to allow folks to use my life as the foundation to make them. Forgiving, letting go and embracing.
Jesus said that you forgive them 70 times 7. However, this does not mean that you have to be their friend or take them back.
Jesus said that you forgive them 70 times 7. However, this does not mean that you have to be their friend or take them back.
What do you want from me? Why do you keep trying to be my friend? I explained to him why I distanced myself and he asked to be forgiven. He apparently was not in a good place in his life and took it out on others. I can understand that and I can forgive him. I am not saying we are going to be kicking back with a few brews but I have let our past go.
There are things I have learned to let go and I am working hard to structure who I am to deal better when people are not kind. I know we will all make mistakes, I just have to allow folks to use my life as the foundation to make them. Forgiving, letting go and embracing.
Jesus said that you forgive them 70 times 7. However, this does not mean that you have to be their friend or take them back.
Jesus said that you forgive them 70 times 7. However, this does not mean that you have to be their friend or take them back.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
My Ellington Family
I had a blast over the Memorial Weekend seeing all my Ellington Family. It was a big boost for the Alumni Association to have such a big out come. I look forward to all the other successful events.
Jacqueline Ellison
"Get on Board..."
Nearly 100 alumni, representing multiple classes and departments, reunited at Lucky Strike Bowling Alley and Lounge in Gallery Place D.C.
The atmosphere was festive as alums reconnected with old friends while making new ones. This is a testament to the Ellington spirit that continues to live within us all: from '78 to '08.
Troy D. Prestwood
"Take the A Train."
Random Scribes from the Gut
I have incredible faith that God is going to work everything out. I just know he is going to answer my prayers. Lord knows I do my best and I know I have more in my to give. He has kept Jackson and I this long and I am truly in awe of his work. I am asking him to order my steps and remove the stresses that are attempting to plague my life.
I have to stretch my arms out,close my eyes and just fall back and trust he will catch me. The longer I allow my Ex or anyone to try and stress me, the further away my sandy beach feels. I say sandy beach because that's the place I imagine...warm, waves crashing, peace.
Don't get me wrong there is no major drama besides the kind folks seem to want to drag me into. I dodged that bullet this week and nobody got mad at me, not that I would care if they did. You can't change people but you can change yourself. I figure once you do that the situation changes and you are in control. I try to follow this advice for myself and for the most part it works with a couple of slips here and there. Praying for some breakthroughs, see you on the other side.
I have to stretch my arms out,close my eyes and just fall back and trust he will catch me. The longer I allow my Ex or anyone to try and stress me, the further away my sandy beach feels. I say sandy beach because that's the place I imagine...warm, waves crashing, peace.
Don't get me wrong there is no major drama besides the kind folks seem to want to drag me into. I dodged that bullet this week and nobody got mad at me, not that I would care if they did. You can't change people but you can change yourself. I figure once you do that the situation changes and you are in control. I try to follow this advice for myself and for the most part it works with a couple of slips here and there. Praying for some breakthroughs, see you on the other side.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Potty Adventures
Jackson got a potty today and he used it!!! About an hour ago he boo-booed. I just got him out of the tub and he tried to pee-pee standing up. A little squirt came out and I was trying to aim it but nothing came out. I sat him down on it for awhile but he had nothing to give. So the adventure begins and I am so excited, wish me luck.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Music in my mind
Got some melodies floating around in me, feeling the creativity all about.
I only create when I am inspired, anything other that that for ME...makes me a factory. Got some real powerful stuff I want to let out, working on trying to write again. Not a lot of time for myself to do ME,but God will create a way, I know he will.
I miss the studio, I miss auditioning, I miss singing, I miss being a working performer. Ok signing off now...I got to change this situation now.
I only create when I am inspired, anything other that that for ME...makes me a factory. Got some real powerful stuff I want to let out, working on trying to write again. Not a lot of time for myself to do ME,but God will create a way, I know he will.
I miss the studio, I miss auditioning, I miss singing, I miss being a working performer. Ok signing off now...I got to change this situation now.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
So Me, Eventually
Antique or Vintage
You are a romantic. Valentine's Day is probably your favorite holiday. You have a sweet tooth and love comfort items like your favorite pillow and coffee mug. You probably watch old movies and aren't a bit ashamed to cry in front of others. You laugh loud and love well.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Uuuuugggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!! #$*&#@!
Update 1:03 am Went to the gym and worked some of the stress off.
I have never met any human being in my life that can get under my skin like him (No this is NOT LOVE). I can't even find a word and I am still reeling from our fight last night. This is really about to end, my neck is tight and I am stressed. I am trying to get my footing in all this. I have to shake it off. I have to continue to fight to get my life back in order, I have do it for my son and myself. Once upon a time I thought the world of this guy, I admit I overlooked some major things and I allowed him to play on my vunerabiliites. My son is here now and I really need to pray to keep him on track, keep myself on track.
Oh God Help Me!!!! I have a headache.
I have never met any human being in my life that can get under my skin like him (No this is NOT LOVE). I can't even find a word and I am still reeling from our fight last night. This is really about to end, my neck is tight and I am stressed. I am trying to get my footing in all this. I have to shake it off. I have to continue to fight to get my life back in order, I have do it for my son and myself. Once upon a time I thought the world of this guy, I admit I overlooked some major things and I allowed him to play on my vunerabiliites. My son is here now and I really need to pray to keep him on track, keep myself on track.
Oh God Help Me!!!! I have a headache.
Monday, April 13, 2009
A Must Read
Heather Armstrong on Parenting, PPD, and Her Love for Brad Pitt
by Susan Wagner Apr 13th 2009 2:00PM
Categories: Life & style
By now, you probably know the back story: In 2001, Heather Armstrong started a blog she called Dooce (after her repeated and much-mocked typo for "dude") where she wrote about things like her love of Carnation milk and her boss. A year later, after the boss found her site, Armstrong was fired from her job, a move that brought the word "dooced" into the slang vernacular ("getting fired because of something that you wrote in your weblog").
These days, Dooce.com is one of the web's most popular personal blogs, with an average of 5 million readers each month, and Armstrong, a former Mormon who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, is one of the most recognizable faces in the blogosphere. She is also mom to a 5-year-old daughter, Leta, and is awaiting the birth of her second child, also a daughter, due in June. And she's written a New York Times bestseller, It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, A Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita, which chronicles her struggle with post-partum depression.
Armstrong's book, which draws heavily on posts from her blog, was inspired by the response she had from readers who followed the story of her post-baby breakdown. "I got a lot of emails from women who said, 'Thanks for writing this, my sister doesn't really use the Internet, can I print out what you wrote and send it to her?'" Armstrong says. "I thought, there's probably an audience of women who need this story."
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Armstrong herself had no support system when Leta was born in 2004. "I didn't have the village, or even the neighborhood, to come take the kid so I could sleep," she says. Her husband, Jon, was working full-time and Armstrong was alone with her daughter and her fears. "I felt like asking for help was an admission of failure," she says, and so she didn't. But then in August of 2004, when Leta was 6 months old, Armstrong checked herself into a psychiatric ward because her anxiety was making it impossible for her to function. At the time, she wrote on her blog: "I have to believe that going to the hospital is at least going to let me clear my head, or that it may actually provide an answer. I have to believe in something right now because I don't feel like I have any hope. This anxiety is so painful, and I don't see an end to it."
Celeb Parent AdviceGetty16 photos "I think our kids will look back on all that as being really funny when they get older, because they think of us as being really dorky -- in fact, the dorkiest people on the planet! We are very much just parents together, although we have moments of being sexy and fun, and I do find him very sexy, obviously. I believe we are together for all the other reasons."
Angelina Jolie, on being "sex symbol" parents (Note: Please disable your pop-up blocker)
Celebrity Parent Quotes
"The key to beauty is always to be looking at someone who loves you. Henry, who can't say all the words...sometimes he'll see me and go, "Ma-ma!" and throw himself on me. Or Finn says he likes my earrings. Or Hazel will say, "You look pretty, Mama," first thing in the morning...They're seeing the things that [my husband] does.
The coolest thing you can do for your children is to love each other in their presence." -
Julia Roberts
WireImage
"I'm like an alcoholic. It's like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I'm fat, I'm just gonna do it for one more week, one more month, and then, when I see how much good it is doing her, I can't stop. It's a very powerful thing you know."
Salma Hayek
Getty Images
"My first job in all honesty is going to continue to be mom-in-chief," she said, "making sure that in this transition, which will be even more of a transition for the girls ... that they are settled and that they know they will continue to be the center of our universe."
Michelle Obama
"I think I'm a pretty cool dad."
Barack Obama
"There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'"
Jerry Seinfeld
"Sometimes I end up having to wipe my son's nose on my shirt, so it can't be silk and cost $800."
Keri Russel
"Apparently, I get facials and manicures all the time. I read this and think, 'Oh, I wish I did that!' I don't think I've had a facial since I was 19. When I shave my legs, I use my child's shampoo and a razor -- if I can find one. If I did everything they said I did, I would never see [my daughter] Lily."
Kate Beckinsale
"I think our kids will look back on all that as being really funny when they get older, because they think of us as being really dorky -- in fact, the dorkiest people on the planet! We are very much just parents together, although we have moments of being sexy and fun, and I do find him very sexy, obviously. I believe we are together for all the other reasons."
Angelina Jolie, on being "sex symbol" parents
"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head."
Carol Burnett
"We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."
Matthew McConaughey, on the birth of his son Levi.
This time, though, Armstrong is confident that things will be different. "I feel so much more ready for it," Armstrong says of the post-baby anxiety. "I have put physical things in place in my offline life" to prevent the collapse that followed Leta's birth. The biggest change this time around is that Armstrong's husband, Jon, will be working from home rather than driving away to an office every day. "There's an actual phsiycial person who will be in my house with me," Armstrong says. "I'm not scared at all."
Having her husband at home has been the biggest payoff of Armstrong's blogging success. In September of 2005, Jon Armstrong quit his job; since then, he has helped Heather manage the website. But Armstrong loves having her husband work at home for more personal reasons. "It's given my husband a chance to have a relationship with our daughter that he wouldn't have had," she says. Armstrong's success as a writer and blogger has given her family an opportunity that few have, to be together all the time, and has allowed her husband to be a full-time father to their daughter. For Armstrong, that matters more than anything.
What fascinates Dooce readers more than anything, though, is the financial success of Armstrong's blog. Last week, Oprah Winfrey announced that Armstrong earns $40,000 a month on the advertising at her web site. Armstrong calls this number "inaccurate" and "grossly inflated," and says that the talk of her earnings is her least favorite part of her work. "It's no one's business," Armstrong says, adding, "it's not polite to talk about money where I come from." But she understands the fascination with her earnings; blogging, she says, is a new medium, and "If that number is real, then holy shit!" What is the most remarkable, of course, is that Armstrong has made a career -- and a successful one -- out of writing about her family, telling the same stories that all mothers tell about their babies. Her success, both as a blogger and as an author, validates all those stories in ways that nothing else does.
For Armstrong, blogging isn't about being famous or making a living; it's about telling a story. "I come from a long line of Southern storytellers who like to sit around and make each other laugh. This was the perfect medium," she says. "I am so lucky to be able to do that for a living; it's one of the greatest joys in my life to be able to do that. I imagine sitting around with my family and trying to make my brother laugh, because he has this great laugh."
Leta's birth morphed Armstrong from cutting edge blogger to mom blogger overnight, much to the dismay of some Dooce readers, who vocally expressed their displeasure. These days, Armstrong says, her readers are primarily women; based on turnout during her recent book tour, lots of those women are pregnant. "I signed someone's belly in Seattle," she says with a laugh. But while Heather Armstrong may be the Internet's most famous mommy blogger, she's not handing out parenting advice. "I only give parenting advice when people ask me," she says, "because I wanted to punch people in the face when they gave me advice." What's the worst advice she ever got? "Oh all you need to do is sleep when they sleep! It does not happen that way. You get to a point where that kid doesn't take but a fifteen minute catnap," she says, slipping into her famous Southern drawl.
What about the best advice? Still laughing, Armstrong admits that her favorite piece of parenting advice came from Brad Pitt. "They had just brought Zahara home," she says, and she read an interview with Pitt, who said "Here's the thing with kids; you've got to give them warning." That little piece of wisdom was the key, Armstrong says. "I don't know why we hadn't though about that before," she says, "it changed our lives." They give Leta, now five, a heads up for everything, and life goes smoothly. "I have a huge place in my heart for Brad Pitt, and not just because he's so sexy," Armstrong confesses.
As she looks forward to the arrival of her new baby, Armstrong says that her biggest concern is "folding her into my work schedule." That, and naming the baby. "I would tell you what we're naming her, but Jon hasn't made up his mind. We're going to be that couple who leaves the hospital with an unnamed baby. I can't believe we're going to be that couple," Armstrong laughs.
by Susan Wagner Apr 13th 2009 2:00PM
Categories: Life & style
By now, you probably know the back story: In 2001, Heather Armstrong started a blog she called Dooce (after her repeated and much-mocked typo for "dude") where she wrote about things like her love of Carnation milk and her boss. A year later, after the boss found her site, Armstrong was fired from her job, a move that brought the word "dooced" into the slang vernacular ("getting fired because of something that you wrote in your weblog").
These days, Dooce.com is one of the web's most popular personal blogs, with an average of 5 million readers each month, and Armstrong, a former Mormon who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, is one of the most recognizable faces in the blogosphere. She is also mom to a 5-year-old daughter, Leta, and is awaiting the birth of her second child, also a daughter, due in June. And she's written a New York Times bestseller, It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, A Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita, which chronicles her struggle with post-partum depression.
Armstrong's book, which draws heavily on posts from her blog, was inspired by the response she had from readers who followed the story of her post-baby breakdown. "I got a lot of emails from women who said, 'Thanks for writing this, my sister doesn't really use the Internet, can I print out what you wrote and send it to her?'" Armstrong says. "I thought, there's probably an audience of women who need this story."
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Armstrong herself had no support system when Leta was born in 2004. "I didn't have the village, or even the neighborhood, to come take the kid so I could sleep," she says. Her husband, Jon, was working full-time and Armstrong was alone with her daughter and her fears. "I felt like asking for help was an admission of failure," she says, and so she didn't. But then in August of 2004, when Leta was 6 months old, Armstrong checked herself into a psychiatric ward because her anxiety was making it impossible for her to function. At the time, she wrote on her blog: "I have to believe that going to the hospital is at least going to let me clear my head, or that it may actually provide an answer. I have to believe in something right now because I don't feel like I have any hope. This anxiety is so painful, and I don't see an end to it."
Celeb Parent AdviceGetty16 photos "I think our kids will look back on all that as being really funny when they get older, because they think of us as being really dorky -- in fact, the dorkiest people on the planet! We are very much just parents together, although we have moments of being sexy and fun, and I do find him very sexy, obviously. I believe we are together for all the other reasons."
Angelina Jolie, on being "sex symbol" parents (Note: Please disable your pop-up blocker)
Celebrity Parent Quotes
"The key to beauty is always to be looking at someone who loves you. Henry, who can't say all the words...sometimes he'll see me and go, "Ma-ma!" and throw himself on me. Or Finn says he likes my earrings. Or Hazel will say, "You look pretty, Mama," first thing in the morning...They're seeing the things that [my husband] does.
The coolest thing you can do for your children is to love each other in their presence." -
Julia Roberts
WireImage
"I'm like an alcoholic. It's like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I'm fat, I'm just gonna do it for one more week, one more month, and then, when I see how much good it is doing her, I can't stop. It's a very powerful thing you know."
Salma Hayek
Getty Images
"My first job in all honesty is going to continue to be mom-in-chief," she said, "making sure that in this transition, which will be even more of a transition for the girls ... that they are settled and that they know they will continue to be the center of our universe."
Michelle Obama
"I think I'm a pretty cool dad."
Barack Obama
"There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'"
Jerry Seinfeld
"Sometimes I end up having to wipe my son's nose on my shirt, so it can't be silk and cost $800."
Keri Russel
"Apparently, I get facials and manicures all the time. I read this and think, 'Oh, I wish I did that!' I don't think I've had a facial since I was 19. When I shave my legs, I use my child's shampoo and a razor -- if I can find one. If I did everything they said I did, I would never see [my daughter] Lily."
Kate Beckinsale
"I think our kids will look back on all that as being really funny when they get older, because they think of us as being really dorky -- in fact, the dorkiest people on the planet! We are very much just parents together, although we have moments of being sexy and fun, and I do find him very sexy, obviously. I believe we are together for all the other reasons."
Angelina Jolie, on being "sex symbol" parents
"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head."
Carol Burnett
"We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."
Matthew McConaughey, on the birth of his son Levi.
This time, though, Armstrong is confident that things will be different. "I feel so much more ready for it," Armstrong says of the post-baby anxiety. "I have put physical things in place in my offline life" to prevent the collapse that followed Leta's birth. The biggest change this time around is that Armstrong's husband, Jon, will be working from home rather than driving away to an office every day. "There's an actual phsiycial person who will be in my house with me," Armstrong says. "I'm not scared at all."
Having her husband at home has been the biggest payoff of Armstrong's blogging success. In September of 2005, Jon Armstrong quit his job; since then, he has helped Heather manage the website. But Armstrong loves having her husband work at home for more personal reasons. "It's given my husband a chance to have a relationship with our daughter that he wouldn't have had," she says. Armstrong's success as a writer and blogger has given her family an opportunity that few have, to be together all the time, and has allowed her husband to be a full-time father to their daughter. For Armstrong, that matters more than anything.
What fascinates Dooce readers more than anything, though, is the financial success of Armstrong's blog. Last week, Oprah Winfrey announced that Armstrong earns $40,000 a month on the advertising at her web site. Armstrong calls this number "inaccurate" and "grossly inflated," and says that the talk of her earnings is her least favorite part of her work. "It's no one's business," Armstrong says, adding, "it's not polite to talk about money where I come from." But she understands the fascination with her earnings; blogging, she says, is a new medium, and "If that number is real, then holy shit!" What is the most remarkable, of course, is that Armstrong has made a career -- and a successful one -- out of writing about her family, telling the same stories that all mothers tell about their babies. Her success, both as a blogger and as an author, validates all those stories in ways that nothing else does.
For Armstrong, blogging isn't about being famous or making a living; it's about telling a story. "I come from a long line of Southern storytellers who like to sit around and make each other laugh. This was the perfect medium," she says. "I am so lucky to be able to do that for a living; it's one of the greatest joys in my life to be able to do that. I imagine sitting around with my family and trying to make my brother laugh, because he has this great laugh."
Leta's birth morphed Armstrong from cutting edge blogger to mom blogger overnight, much to the dismay of some Dooce readers, who vocally expressed their displeasure. These days, Armstrong says, her readers are primarily women; based on turnout during her recent book tour, lots of those women are pregnant. "I signed someone's belly in Seattle," she says with a laugh. But while Heather Armstrong may be the Internet's most famous mommy blogger, she's not handing out parenting advice. "I only give parenting advice when people ask me," she says, "because I wanted to punch people in the face when they gave me advice." What's the worst advice she ever got? "Oh all you need to do is sleep when they sleep! It does not happen that way. You get to a point where that kid doesn't take but a fifteen minute catnap," she says, slipping into her famous Southern drawl.
What about the best advice? Still laughing, Armstrong admits that her favorite piece of parenting advice came from Brad Pitt. "They had just brought Zahara home," she says, and she read an interview with Pitt, who said "Here's the thing with kids; you've got to give them warning." That little piece of wisdom was the key, Armstrong says. "I don't know why we hadn't though about that before," she says, "it changed our lives." They give Leta, now five, a heads up for everything, and life goes smoothly. "I have a huge place in my heart for Brad Pitt, and not just because he's so sexy," Armstrong confesses.
As she looks forward to the arrival of her new baby, Armstrong says that her biggest concern is "folding her into my work schedule." That, and naming the baby. "I would tell you what we're naming her, but Jon hasn't made up his mind. We're going to be that couple who leaves the hospital with an unnamed baby. I can't believe we're going to be that couple," Armstrong laughs.
On The Daily Grind
Jackson is sleeping in his crib. Some nights are good and some are not so good. About to throw potty training in the mix. It's a bit stressful not having reinforcement in the home but we are making it work. Sometimes I am dog tired especially if we are at Kenny's early in the morning. I like the fact that because we are there so early he is sleep by 10pm. Finally somewhat of a schedule but it feels like I am juggling all the time, most of the time. I am tired. I am not complaining just venting I guess. I have somewhat joined the ranks of so many women who are trying to balance everyday Mommy life. I got somethings in the works and I am anxious to see how it all goes down.
I am not going to lie, I envy the weekend Daddies, chill during the week, not have to wash a ton of clothes all the time, get just themselves ready, eat a meal uninterrupted,watch a show,run errands etc. I could go on and on but I really need a day within the week just for me. Tired as all get out right now and I am going to sleep in a few( I cried the other day I was so tired). I miss you bloggie boo, we have not connected in a while. I promise I will come back and fill you with my everyday adventures.
Peace Homies
I am not going to lie, I envy the weekend Daddies, chill during the week, not have to wash a ton of clothes all the time, get just themselves ready, eat a meal uninterrupted,watch a show,run errands etc. I could go on and on but I really need a day within the week just for me. Tired as all get out right now and I am going to sleep in a few( I cried the other day I was so tired). I miss you bloggie boo, we have not connected in a while. I promise I will come back and fill you with my everyday adventures.
Peace Homies
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Still
Still thirsty to learn, explore, love, give, forgive, rise, fly, sore...
This is going to be an interesting year, looking forward to what each season brings.
This is going to be an interesting year, looking forward to what each season brings.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The Weekend
So the weekend was great. Friday night made an appearance at Midge's birthday party, had dinner at an authentic Moroccan restaurant complete with belly dancers on Saturday night. Sunday afternoon we went for a walk. The weather was amazing and so was the conversation I appreciate a good walk, it's free and a good way to bound. Once my lil one got home this evening we took Jackson for a walk too down Chinatown. The weekend was a great one and I can't wait for more.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
February
Jacqueline took What does your birthday say about you? quiz and the result is February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Falling Down
So when I was about 2 months pregnant with Jackson I slipped and feel on some ice the day before my birthday. Jamar feel too trying to help me and it hurt so bad the next couple of days afterward. Well I fell today the day before my birthday with my 17 month old Jackson in my hand. I was leaving Nicci's house with Jackson in one arm and bags in the other. I did not notice the ice and water on her outside stairs and went tumbling down. I took a hot bath but I am still in pain. I hope I feel better soon.
Some Evening Sexy
I don't care what they say, I love Kanyeezy and all his sexy spoiled brat swag. He is so dang fine
Another Pathetic Display of Haterism
The NY Post is getting waaaay out of pocket now:
The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding that The New York Post, which has come under fire in the past for racially tinged cartoons, explain what it meant in its latest controversial offering.
Played prominently on today’s editorial pages, the cartoon depicts two police officers – one with his smoking gun drawn – standing over what appears to be a dead chimpanzee in a pool of blood. One officer says to the other: “Now they’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.”
Is begs the question: Are they referring to the dead chimp as the president of the United States?
Without jumping to conclusions I tried to determine what the $787 billion stimulus package signed into law yesterday and the police shooting of a raging mad chimpanzee have in common.
The Rev. Al Sharpton appears to be a bit puzzled as well. “Being that the stimulus bill has been the first legislative victory of President Barack Obama (the first African American president) and has become synonymous with him it is not a reach to wonder whether the Post cartoonist was inferring that a monkey wrote it?”
The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding that The New York Post, which has come under fire in the past for racially tinged cartoons, explain what it meant in its latest controversial offering.
“On its face, it appears that the Post is not only calling Obama an ape, but a dead ape. “The cartoon in today’s New York Post is troubling at best, given the racist attacks throughout history that have made African-Americans synonymous with monkeys,” Sharpton writes on his National Action Network Web site. “One has to question whether the cartoonist is making a less than casual inference to this form of racism when, in the cartoon, the police say after shooting a chimpanzee, ‘now they will have to find someone else to write the stimulus bill, Sharpton writes.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Weak Willed
Lord I have been ready to work for some time now. Please send me something soon, what I thought I was promised feel through. I am trying to keep my head up, I have not and will not cry about it, that time is over. Please restore my health, give me a hug. I know that you love me and I am feeling a little under the weather, physically, emotionally. This week has been a struggle. I feel like just saying forget all the prayers and hard work and doing whatever I want.
God help my I feel like my salvation is on the line. I keep thinking about sex, thinking of what it would feel like again. I feel bad for fooling around the other day. I was so self conscience of my midsection that I would not allow his hands to roam free. Even though we were just kissing and touching, he did not know me. He does not know my heart and I do not know his. I miss being held at night. I am lonely, not alone but lonely. Sometimes the weight of everything is on my shoulders and I miss someone there to just say " I love you and everything is going to be ok". I miss being reached for in the middle of the night. I miss curling up and holding someone, laughing in the morning. I just wonder when the release is going to come. I need God to hide me, I am feeling so weak and fragile. I have faith that God will refresh and restore, I am holding on, please save me.
God help my I feel like my salvation is on the line. I keep thinking about sex, thinking of what it would feel like again. I feel bad for fooling around the other day. I was so self conscience of my midsection that I would not allow his hands to roam free. Even though we were just kissing and touching, he did not know me. He does not know my heart and I do not know his. I miss being held at night. I am lonely, not alone but lonely. Sometimes the weight of everything is on my shoulders and I miss someone there to just say " I love you and everything is going to be ok". I miss being reached for in the middle of the night. I miss curling up and holding someone, laughing in the morning. I just wonder when the release is going to come. I need God to hide me, I am feeling so weak and fragile. I have faith that God will refresh and restore, I am holding on, please save me.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
25 Random things About Me
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right-hand corner of the page), then click Publish.)
1. I really tried to avoid doing this.
2. I lived in a battered woman's shelter with my mother my 6th grade school year, commuted back and forth and never told any of my schoolmates.
3. I would prefer to watch and have a deep love for "Period Movies" like Elizabeth and The Libertine. I also would rather listen to 80's music, especially light rock and my favorite song from that era is "Everything She Wants" by Wham the extended version. Plus I still have a crush on Andrew Ridgeley from the that group.(Hey is that like 3 or 4 extra things,whateva lol)
4. Gained and still maintain a crush on President Jimmy Carter after attending the debate between he and successor President Reagan in there 1980 Capital Hill debate. I think it was his quiet speech and kind eyes that got me.
5. I have a hard time forgiving people especially when that have done me wrong, hurt my feelings, or have talked to me crazy. I would sooner completely cut them out of my life and never be bothered with them again. Often times they never know I am upset with them and will still hold full conversations with them( strange right?) I know I have to forgive so that God will forgive me so I am working on that...don't rush me,lol.
6. I wish I did not miss Tiffany so much and wishes I could have rescued her and all the little girls/women that have been used,abused and tossed aside. I am still rescuing my inner little girl and often wonder how I would be differently if my dad stuck around.
7.I have major stage fright and anxiety when preparing for any performance. Even at this stage in the game I am not as confident as I appear.
8.Absolutely terrified of raccoons and possums and can't bare to see any of them in person or on TV. I will freak out, but have a strange attraction to snake but will never want to get face to face with one...there still sexy though.
9. Most of my friends consider me the " Most Adventurous". They usually wait for me to do something out of the norm before they do it, I guess I am the volunteer guinea pig. I guess they would also consider me a " Connector" Ask Jackie she knows,lol.
10. Never done anything for Valentine's Day (EVER)
11. Trained professionally and performed Ballet and Modern Dance up until the age of 15.
12. It's 7:02 am and as you can see I am up, I have yet to go to sleep. I have suffered with a sleep disorder since I was a little girl.
13.I have been celibate for going on 2 years on February 16th 2009, thank you God for your promises. Being obedient to God's word is very important to me.
14. I love make up and wish I had more of it, especially M.A.C. I also love to beat my face, your face and your friends face and hit the town. Hey did that sound violent?
16. As far as my extended family I am only really close to my Mommy, Uncle Horace, Cousin George and Cousin Addie. I hope to be closer to my sister Neptune one day and Brittany, well you all know Brit, she's the baby a handful but I love her still. My girlfriends Manyka, Keeva, Kiana, Lattefah, Alyce, Anita are like my sisters, we hold each other up and together. Sounds like a good bra don't it,lol. Oh and I found out I have 2 sisters on my father's side that he never mentioned, I hope to meet them one day.
17.Always wanted to move to New York and become a world renowned Singer and Actress, but was always to scared to leave my mother.
18. I hope my friends know that I love them and would give them the world If I could. I sometimes get so busy and distracted that I don't always connect with them on a regular basis. Please forgive me.
20. I am able to understand and count my blessing one by one.
21. I still love my son's father very much and healing from the fact that we did not work out. Ahhh such is life, we have a beautiful son from our union and I am so grateful. I was told my chances of having children were slim to none and look what God did. I still believe in love and marriage and if God allows it, it will happen again. I am optimistic and open to old and new love and more children." Good Morning" by India Arie
22.I think I have a very mild form of OCD but I tend to ritualize in my mind for fear that others will catch on. Either it's that or I am extremely anal. I also obsess about death and wish my mother would out live me so I won't have to miss her.
23. I consider myself a romantic but struggle with affection. I often want to hug and kiss the people I love but hold back from fear of being rejected. I hate being rejected... I think we all do.
24. I would love lose 100 lbs, have a sick six pack and run around in a skimpy bikini every summer.
25. I am a ordained minister with the Universal Life Church, who wants to get married?
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right-hand corner of the page), then click Publish.)
1. I really tried to avoid doing this.
2. I lived in a battered woman's shelter with my mother my 6th grade school year, commuted back and forth and never told any of my schoolmates.
3. I would prefer to watch and have a deep love for "Period Movies" like Elizabeth and The Libertine. I also would rather listen to 80's music, especially light rock and my favorite song from that era is "Everything She Wants" by Wham the extended version. Plus I still have a crush on Andrew Ridgeley from the that group.(Hey is that like 3 or 4 extra things,whateva lol)
4. Gained and still maintain a crush on President Jimmy Carter after attending the debate between he and successor President Reagan in there 1980 Capital Hill debate. I think it was his quiet speech and kind eyes that got me.
5. I have a hard time forgiving people especially when that have done me wrong, hurt my feelings, or have talked to me crazy. I would sooner completely cut them out of my life and never be bothered with them again. Often times they never know I am upset with them and will still hold full conversations with them( strange right?) I know I have to forgive so that God will forgive me so I am working on that...don't rush me,lol.
6. I wish I did not miss Tiffany so much and wishes I could have rescued her and all the little girls/women that have been used,abused and tossed aside. I am still rescuing my inner little girl and often wonder how I would be differently if my dad stuck around.
7.I have major stage fright and anxiety when preparing for any performance. Even at this stage in the game I am not as confident as I appear.
8.Absolutely terrified of raccoons and possums and can't bare to see any of them in person or on TV. I will freak out, but have a strange attraction to snake but will never want to get face to face with one...there still sexy though.
9. Most of my friends consider me the " Most Adventurous". They usually wait for me to do something out of the norm before they do it, I guess I am the volunteer guinea pig. I guess they would also consider me a " Connector" Ask Jackie she knows,lol.
10. Never done anything for Valentine's Day (EVER)
11. Trained professionally and performed Ballet and Modern Dance up until the age of 15.
12. It's 7:02 am and as you can see I am up, I have yet to go to sleep. I have suffered with a sleep disorder since I was a little girl.
13.I have been celibate for going on 2 years on February 16th 2009, thank you God for your promises. Being obedient to God's word is very important to me.
14. I love make up and wish I had more of it, especially M.A.C. I also love to beat my face, your face and your friends face and hit the town. Hey did that sound violent?
16. As far as my extended family I am only really close to my Mommy, Uncle Horace, Cousin George and Cousin Addie. I hope to be closer to my sister Neptune one day and Brittany, well you all know Brit, she's the baby a handful but I love her still. My girlfriends Manyka, Keeva, Kiana, Lattefah, Alyce, Anita are like my sisters, we hold each other up and together. Sounds like a good bra don't it,lol. Oh and I found out I have 2 sisters on my father's side that he never mentioned, I hope to meet them one day.
17.Always wanted to move to New York and become a world renowned Singer and Actress, but was always to scared to leave my mother.
18. I hope my friends know that I love them and would give them the world If I could. I sometimes get so busy and distracted that I don't always connect with them on a regular basis. Please forgive me.
20. I am able to understand and count my blessing one by one.
21. I still love my son's father very much and healing from the fact that we did not work out. Ahhh such is life, we have a beautiful son from our union and I am so grateful. I was told my chances of having children were slim to none and look what God did. I still believe in love and marriage and if God allows it, it will happen again. I am optimistic and open to old and new love and more children." Good Morning" by India Arie
22.I think I have a very mild form of OCD but I tend to ritualize in my mind for fear that others will catch on. Either it's that or I am extremely anal. I also obsess about death and wish my mother would out live me so I won't have to miss her.
23. I consider myself a romantic but struggle with affection. I often want to hug and kiss the people I love but hold back from fear of being rejected. I hate being rejected... I think we all do.
24. I would love lose 100 lbs, have a sick six pack and run around in a skimpy bikini every summer.
25. I am a ordained minister with the Universal Life Church, who wants to get married?
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Flakin Out
Just when I think I am ready to jump into something romantic I get cold feet. I have already had my heart stomped on,kicked around and spat on, I don't know if I am ready to do that again. I think about Everette and the friendship that we have and I worry that if I dive in there is a chance it will be ruined. I never fell in love with him, but I recognize that he really cherishes who I am and has genuine love for me and my son. I love him for loving me flaws and all.
I wonder if moving away is the best move, I guess it's the exhaustion talking. I think about the pros of entering into a relationship for myself and Jackson. The thought of having someone who wants to be a father to Jackson and a mate/husband for me make me nervous and happy all at the same time. I know a healthy family unit would be nothing but good for both of us. BUT...is Everette the man I want to be with? I really don't know and I would like to be sure. I have been sure only once in my life but it did not work out. I knew I was sure because even though I have loved, I never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I think there are so many qualities that I love about him but I want complete chemistry.
When I was sure before there was nothing I would not do. I was in it 100% and now I just don't think so. Now that I am attempting to date again, I find I would rather be alone most times. With the No Go on Sex most guys don't stick around. It's funny because the excitement of hanging out with someone new is a high. It's just easier to be alone because I am not willing to break my promise to God. I fooled around the other night and it was ok BUT. All I could think about was the unfamiliarity of it and never could get lost in the feeling. I guess I am caught in the "Last Man" cycle and it so sucks. For me the last man I was with was my son's father and he know me in a biblical way. I was receptive to his touch because I considered myself his. Dating, fooling around can be exciting,unfamiliar and sometimes nerve racking. I guess If I ever meet a man who I know is in it to win my heart, I can allow my body to go with the flow, but my faith is always saying....this is wrong.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't plan on "givin it up", but I have to relearn what it is to be intimate without memories of the "Last Man".. Am I being flaky or just really really picky?
I wonder if moving away is the best move, I guess it's the exhaustion talking. I think about the pros of entering into a relationship for myself and Jackson. The thought of having someone who wants to be a father to Jackson and a mate/husband for me make me nervous and happy all at the same time. I know a healthy family unit would be nothing but good for both of us. BUT...is Everette the man I want to be with? I really don't know and I would like to be sure. I have been sure only once in my life but it did not work out. I knew I was sure because even though I have loved, I never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I think there are so many qualities that I love about him but I want complete chemistry.
When I was sure before there was nothing I would not do. I was in it 100% and now I just don't think so. Now that I am attempting to date again, I find I would rather be alone most times. With the No Go on Sex most guys don't stick around. It's funny because the excitement of hanging out with someone new is a high. It's just easier to be alone because I am not willing to break my promise to God. I fooled around the other night and it was ok BUT. All I could think about was the unfamiliarity of it and never could get lost in the feeling. I guess I am caught in the "Last Man" cycle and it so sucks. For me the last man I was with was my son's father and he know me in a biblical way. I was receptive to his touch because I considered myself his. Dating, fooling around can be exciting,unfamiliar and sometimes nerve racking. I guess If I ever meet a man who I know is in it to win my heart, I can allow my body to go with the flow, but my faith is always saying....this is wrong.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't plan on "givin it up", but I have to relearn what it is to be intimate without memories of the "Last Man".. Am I being flaky or just really really picky?
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Expressions
Music is so very important to me. I think when all is crazy in the world/my world a songs can sum up exactly what I am feeling. I have only had one person tell me I talk too much but really I struggle with adequately expressing myself. Most times when I am hurt, brokenhearted,feeling high off of God's word,brand new and refreshed I play my favorite songs. I think of songs to help me say what's on my heart. I am struggling to gain my confidence back in expressing myself. Having to edit yourself to suite someone else can be debilitating to the soul especially when all you want is to express your love,pain and joy. When someone is baring there soul,you should be honored. So many times I think of past performances and I bared my soul, naked to allow people in.
When I think of the loss of a loved one either in death or life there is always a song there that helps me with the grief. I don't have a lot of love songs by men that I like so when I find one I store it in my mental rolodex. I imagine that some guy whoever ( usually in my daydreams my love interest face is blurred so I never know what he looks like) either sings the song to me or dedicates it to me. Ahhh I love a good love song, not always the please take me back, baby I messed up ones. I love when he just states the love he feels. So I am excited about my new playlist on the right. I think a song I love pops into my head everyday. Each one is personal and you can ask me what each one means to me. I have a direct attachment to each because of something that has taken place to me personally.
Once upon a time I used to write my own music and poetry. Somewhere along the line it stopped. I can't force it and if I am inspired to write something down I will. I miss being in that creative space but my life has changed so much in the past 2 years that the things that were my focus have been put on the back burner. My priorities have changed and being an artist is now my former life. I used to dream of being super mom, wife, singer, songwriter, humanitarian, actress, director. Funny how choices change EVERYTHING. At least I have a ton of songs to help me dream even if it is only a dream.
If I ever win the lottery, I would build a music/dance studio in my home. I can dance whenever I want to the music flowing in that room. My days as a dancer/ballerina are behind me but I respect movement and a great song. I am always in the things that God has created and music is one of them. The pull I have to music is so intense and often times unavoidable. Everyone has something that they love and music is a love of mine.
Enjoy
When I think of the loss of a loved one either in death or life there is always a song there that helps me with the grief. I don't have a lot of love songs by men that I like so when I find one I store it in my mental rolodex. I imagine that some guy whoever ( usually in my daydreams my love interest face is blurred so I never know what he looks like) either sings the song to me or dedicates it to me. Ahhh I love a good love song, not always the please take me back, baby I messed up ones. I love when he just states the love he feels. So I am excited about my new playlist on the right. I think a song I love pops into my head everyday. Each one is personal and you can ask me what each one means to me. I have a direct attachment to each because of something that has taken place to me personally.
Once upon a time I used to write my own music and poetry. Somewhere along the line it stopped. I can't force it and if I am inspired to write something down I will. I miss being in that creative space but my life has changed so much in the past 2 years that the things that were my focus have been put on the back burner. My priorities have changed and being an artist is now my former life. I used to dream of being super mom, wife, singer, songwriter, humanitarian, actress, director. Funny how choices change EVERYTHING. At least I have a ton of songs to help me dream even if it is only a dream.
If I ever win the lottery, I would build a music/dance studio in my home. I can dance whenever I want to the music flowing in that room. My days as a dancer/ballerina are behind me but I respect movement and a great song. I am always in the things that God has created and music is one of them. The pull I have to music is so intense and often times unavoidable. Everyone has something that they love and music is a love of mine.
Enjoy
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