Dreams Deferred Until the Day After Eternity

Eternity seems a bit dramatic but that's how it feels some of the time. One day I feel like I am ready to take the world back on again and then I look at the mess I placed myself in and I am in that never ending forest. Arms stretched in the darkness eyes wide as if that will help me see any better.Sometimes I think about my life and all my dreams deferred, interrupted and lost. I guess there has to be a trade off somewhere and occasionally there is a bright spot to encourage you to press on. In my mind I have a whole other life a life where all my dreams live. All the deferred dreams are alive and thriving in my mind. I wish they were in real time but they are not and sometimes sleeping is a preferred retreat from my waking life.

I used to believe that as a woman placing full trust and allowing your man to lead was wise. I still hold on to that when the relationship is vested in God, love, and respect. Being unequally yoked can be dangerous and you can find yourself taking up permanent residence in Loserville. Though some things are deferred FAITH in God is all you need. I look at the situation Jamar threw in my face the last fight we had and I find myself giving God the honor and glory for that. I was in church tears streaming down my face. Jackson rubbing the tears away. I was saying Hallelujah because that same situation Jamar said "This is coming from a woman who calls ME in a panic because she can't take care of her child" "Blame everything on the postpartum" I was so grateful to God for bringing me threw that same time he spoke of. I was planning to kill myself that night. It was just one of the many panic attacks that I had experienced and I also knew that my insurance was running out and seeking further help was making me nervous. I was able to have my friends and family surround me with love, prayers and checked in on Jackson and I all the time. I was thanking God for really protecting me. I had made arrangements because I was sick, tired, not sleeping, not eating,stressed and stretched above and beyond. I remember after hanging up the phone with Jamar I just called on my God's name. It took me back to the times in my pregnancy when I would hold my belly and cry asking God to help me, I was so scared and stressed out.

I felt all alone but I ALWAYS called on God and little by little he was showing me and telling me that my son and I were going to be ok. My loved ones told me don't worry about Jamar not being available for you, we are here and they never lied. After being rejected by every apartment that was decent for my son and I, my current apartment became available. I was contacted by my case manager and they notified me that I was misinformed and I had to move right away. God made it so that I had a place and I did not have to go to a shelter. He made it so that this landlord was willing to take my voucher. God made it so that my mother and friends were financially available to take care of Jackson and I. God made it so that even though my last residence screwed up my rental history like so many other residence, I have this home. Look what GOD can do!!!Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Something big is about to happen and I am excited to see what God is going to do. Dreams eventually no longer be deferred. My faith was so weak but when I look back at where my son and I were and where God has brought us I know he is real. The enemy will try to attack your spirit and tell you your dreams are not valid or respected but God has the final say, so take that you devil!!!