Multitasking Mommy

So it is 2:15 am and Jackson is still up. He was doing so good for a while and then he is off schedule. There I am with relaxer in my hair in the shower and Jackson screaming at the top of his lungs. He wants me, he wants me to pick him up and he is acting like I was so far away. He was right at the end of the shower...water falling on the floor because he has the curtain back, he wants me to pick him up NOW!

My eyes are burning and Omar is trying his best to help me get his clothes off but he wants no parts of Omar's help. We finally get him in the shower with me but I am holding him in one hand and trying to wash the relaxer out with the other. I am partially blind at this point but he will not let me go, what can I do...nothing. I usually have to multitask nowadays because I am on my own. Some folks who are without kids would just suggest to plan better, with kids anything can happen.

Jackson and I usually eat and on the way wherever, I change diapers in the car, make calls,check email,clothing you name it I do...I have no choice. Most times I am so tired but you can't stop and rest there is always something to do. I just try to keep the home as tidy as I can and eat a decent meal when time permits. What's a momma to do. So as I am typing this blog he is now knocked out in my arms, what a lil tyrant,lol. I can lay him down and start working, this little bit of money will really come in handy.

The New Year is approaching and I am hoping I can get some rest/sleep with all I have going on.


Yours Truly the Multitasking Momma

Good Morning

We can't control our fate only God. I stand by every decision I made be it happy or hurtful, I grew because of it all. Though I may not be perfect I am human, I am a woman, I am emotional, hormonal, shy, bold, ambitious, scared out of my mind at times, fearless because of the God I serve, I am a mother, a woman, an aunt, a child,a self proclaimed flower child who craves structure and stability. I am ME.

I dedicate this blog to my own personal ladybug. God was speaking to me while we were away from each other. He came to me to tell me what was wrong with you and I understand and will always be here. This song reminds me of how I felt from September 19, 2005 to present day. Relationships can be work, sometimes were successful and sometimes they are not. I have had some good ones and some not so good ones, and just because I am no longer with the good ones does not mean I/We failed. I trusted God to take the lead and though those men are no longer in my life romantically I have learned from them and have lasting friendships. You deserve to be with someone who is your friend and understands and respects not just your wants but also your needs. God knows the exact blueprint for our lives so just know it's ok to trust him and he will heal the wounds. I hope you enjoy the lyrics to this song.

Good Morning - India.Arie


Good Mourning

Do do do
Do do do
Do do do do do do dooooooo (4 times)

Good morning silence
Good morning to myself

Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
oh ohhhhh~

Good mourning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets

I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone
Oh Ohhhhhh

Good mourning to the harsh realities of life
and good mourning to the fact we're not husband and wife

We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way
oh ohhhhhhhh

Good mourning~~~~

Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment
even the strain

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live
oh ohhhhhhhhhh

Good mourning~~~~

Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

I know that God's will, will be done
So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

I know that God's will, will be done.
So it's a good morning after all

Random Scribes from the Gut

So there are something I have been moving through. My girlfriend of 18+ years was brutally stabbed to death a month ago yesterday. The hurt comes in waves like all the other stresses. I was talking to my other friends who happen to be single mothers and I was relieved to get some confirmation and validation. I realize I am not alone but it is still sad that so many women share the same stories. Even though I don't run around with a banner saying look at my pain, the stress and isolation that I feel is not uncommon. Last month my refrigerator went out for about 3 weeks. Even though I get some food assistance, I still had to buy most of my day to day food at fast food establishments. That literally ate into my bills because I had to feed my baby as well.

The lights cut on and off and now I am a pro in knowing how to feel my way to get the lighter to light the candles so we are not sitting in the dark. The gas bill has not been paid in forever and the fear of rapidly thawing food and the expectation of the gas being cut off is a mental anguish fest. I tried my best to fix the garbage disposal but that is on the fritz too, I need to get better at repairing things after all I have a little one to take care of. I did my part now the landlord needs to do his. But in a way I just don't feel like the fuss, I would just rather move all together.

So the job market sucks but I did get a letter back from one company...some form. I filled it out mailed it back and I will keep my fingers crossed. I have been doing some data entry at night and I should be getting a little money for my work at the end of the month. I am happy about that because a sista needs some underwear. As long as Jackson has underwear can wait. You will surprised what you can do when your money is funny and your priorities are in order. God is good because I was still able to help another single mother in need all while my junk is going on. I felt so good being able to help my friend.

There was a light bulb that went off for me when I came to some realizations. God is so awesome. Many women who suffer postpartum depression/depression need all the love and support they can get. A lot of the things I said and did prior to and after my pregnancy stemmed from fear, high levels of stress, depression and eventually postpartum depression. My friends and family stood by me then and now no matter how neurotic my behavior was. I went through bouts of not being able to control myself and actions and not even realize what had happened. I have my good friend Nicci to be my memory and make fun of me so I don't take it so hard. I remember feeling so worthless and feeling like I had hit rock bottom. I don't remember what triggered some of the panic attacks but I think mice dying on my stove, roaches crawling on you and your baby during sleep and being single played a part. I don't blame myself anymore I blame the stress of what I was going through. The hormones, fear, the postpartum thing is a son of a bee sting. God is good... things could have turned out worse.

So many woman suffer in silence and in some cases either kill themselves or there children. I was alone and overwhelmed. I never knew things could seem so overwhelming when your raising children. Shout out to all the mothers who work everyday,go to school, cook, clean, raise the babies by themselves. Even when your not single mothers still bare the brunt. I remember when I was 14, I was in GW for depression after a suicide attempt. I remember there was a part of the ward where the room was padded and there was a young lady in the room. She had pale porcelain skin and red hair, I remember whispers that she was suffering from postpartum. I had no idea what that was but I felt bad that she was in there all alone. I suppose back then the treatment was isolation but I always wonder what happened to that lady. I kept a journal and stayed in prayer, I also went and sought professional help, I knew that no matter what the love for my child had to prevail. I had to know I was not crazy, so I surrounded myself with positive reinforcement. My mother suffers from depression and I know I am predisposed to the condition due to heredity. I don't blame my mother because I know it is the illness and not her. I look past it all because she can't help it. It is frustrating at times but I do my best to let her know she has my full support and love.

So I am looking to move, my mother just gave me a good tip today so I will be looking into that asap. Giving my son and myself a fresh start feels promising. Raising my son in a healthy environment is very important to me. Right now I am doing my best to line up my ducks in a row so that our transition goes smoothly. I feel a bit more relieved because there is a job waiting for me, I just have to get Jackson situated. For the first time I am ready to break free, I am no longer afraid.


Valencia called me today, she offered me an apology of how she treated me. It was a shock but I accepted it. I knew she was sorry but she mentioned that the holidays played a part in her decision to call. People get a wave of kindness what comes over them around this time, I will be watching to see how long all the good cheer will last. I can always forgive when I know that the other party truly understands the damage they have causedand not just regurgetate what you have expressed to them. I have never gone out of my way to be mean to anyone nor have I said or done anything that would place anyone in distress so when people do that to me I remove myself completely from the situation. We all make mistakes but you don't have to stay in the cycle of hurt. I got some closure today with her call, she told me she loved me and guess what I told her I loved her too and I really meant it. She invited me to Christmas dinner and asked to be a part of my life again. She explained that I, we had lost so much time growing up due to my estranged relationship with my father. She really wants to meet Jackson, let's just say I will proceed with caution.


So my friend paid to get my phone reconnected...yes being unemployed and living on a small amount of support catches up eventually. I was able to pay that bill and buy my son 2 things for Christmas. He's blessed with health, a home, cloths, food and love and this Christmas is going to be wonderful. Last years holiday was a heartbreaking disaster but I will make up for it this year. My niece and nephew will be here and I am very excited to spend it with them. It's been 2 years since we had Christmas together so I really can't wait. Once the holidays are over Jackson and I will be looking for a new home. My bills are pretty caught up and my friend will be hosting us at there home as we check out some places. I am so blessed to have such wonderful angels in my life.

I ask God to create me anew, give me a clean heart. All I want to do is serve him and be the best possible person I can be. I let my emotions get the best of me and I have to remember that he is in control. I know that there are demons that need to be exercised out of my life, I am asking daily for the strength to hold my head up and I know now to let God fight my battles from now on.

My Interview with William Kellibrew

--- On Tue, 12/16/08, William Kellibrew, IV wrote:

> From: William Kellibrew, IV
> Subject: Interview Questions
> To: "Jacqueline Ellison"
> Date: Tuesday, December 16, 2008, 8:10 AM
> Kellibrew: Welcome Jacqueline to my blogspot. I really
> appreciate you taking the time out of your schedule to tell
> us your story of tragedy to triumph. Yours, like so many
> other stories, need to be heard. So many people out there
> lack the strength and determination to push forward through
> tough relationships and abusive situations. I like to have
> these conversations to show them that there is a way out.
> So, Thank you for sharing. Tell me, you have told me
> somewhat about your story and I was simply amazed that you
> are alive. You have been through a difficult time as
> a child. What happened that day with your mother
> getting hit with a hammer? I am sure that was difficult
> to see.
>
> Jacqueline:
I was 11 or 12 years old, I just remember having to commute during my 6th grade year. My mother's family told her to leave or he will kill you and your children. My mother pregnant with my youngest sister and we came back to his home to get the rest of our belongings. I didn't care where we were going just being out of that situation was all I cared about. I just did not want my mother to hurt anymore and so we leaving and living in a shelter was the next move for my family and I.
I think my stepfather could sense that this was it and I remember him being drunk as usual. He sent me downstairs for some water and before I could make it up the last set of stairs, I heard a loud thud. He was standing there laughing and my mother was lying on the floor bleeding from her head. Her eyes were closed,she was unresponsive at that point I had never felt so alone in the world. She lay there lifeless very pregnant as my middle sister sat on the steps, she had to be about 5 years old.
I remember my stepfather chuckling in the hallway telling me she's fine and I yelling at him calling him the devil and he killed my mother. He eventually picked up up from the pool of blood she has been lying in and gave her smelling salts. He was now in panic mode and was sweating and trying to revive her. She eventually came to but her face was unrecognizable.
>
> Kellibrew: It really breaks my heart that women and
> individuals overall have to go through the abuse that your
> mother suffered, and not to mention your own. Your
> childhood was a difficult one too. What happened to you as
> a child that scarred you for life?
>
> Jacqueline:
I remember not knowing who my father was and asking my stepfather if I could call him daddy. It was right after my dance performance and he and my mother attended, of course he was drunk. I just wanted to be normal or at least pretend to be, so once we got him I asked him if I could call him daddy. I remember my mother was downstairs and he called me closer to him. He said sure..."Let me show you what daddy's do". I stood there more paralyzed with shock then fear as he proceeded to put his hands down my panties. I was also molested by 2 uncles in my mother family.

I have been raped twice and have dated some men who have either used and abused me sexually. Not all of my relationships were bad, some great but because of my history, I became involved with men who were had there own issues be it sexual or just a lack of regard with interacting with there female counterparts. I know that most of my history has shaped where I have been in my life and where I am still going, good and bad...hopefully more good.

I have since forgive them all but the memory still lingers. My stepfather killed himself once he knew my mother was not coming back, I forgive him because I know he was suffering too. As for my uncle's I am sure God will have the final say, I just pray that they are able to recognize the error in there actions.
>
> Kellibrew: You could be so many places, doing so many
> negative things. What keeps you motivated to keep
> striving in life? Tell me, how do you do it?
>
> Jacqueline:

God, he is the reason I am here. I did have some pitfalls and even attempted suicide at 14 I was close and had to be revivied. I don't know how long I was unconciouse but I missed a big chunk of time, I figured it was better than my waking life. You can Imagin how mad I was once I realized I had not crossed over. I missed a year of school because I spent it in the phyc ward at George Washington University Hospital. I remember once I was released I told God I would make the best of the life I had been given. I have a young son now and he is even more reason to push everyday. I continue to give back by volunteering in areas where victims and survivors can benefit from my story.
>
> Kelli brew: You have a child, how old is he and what do
> you teach him since you have dealt with the trials and
> tribulations of turbulent relationships? What does he
> learn from you?
>
> Jacqueline:

My son is only 15 months old and even though he is a baby there is always room for correction. Between he and my nephew I do my best to let them know how to interact with the opposite sex. Even though my son is young he sometimes plays rough with little girls. He already knows the word "gentle and nice" when I correct him as he plays with any little girl.
Service, compassion, faith,respect,love among a host of other things will be reinforced daily in my household. I think for young children boys and girls alike need to have a safe enviorment and constant unconditional love reinforced daily. Abuse comes in so many forms and being aware and educated defiantly helps break the cycle.
>
> Kellibrew: I know this is difficult to talk about, but I
> wanted to acknowledge your role in the late Tiffany
> Gates' life, my God-sister and friend. She was one of
> your best confidantes. I remember you being devastated to
> hear the news. Watching you react to her death made it
> real that day for me. I was literally in shock. I could
> not believe it. I said, "Not our Tiffany!" You
> had to recently do her make-up and basically reconstruct her
> face because of the damage done by her killer. First tell
> us, how did you get yourself to do the make-up? It was
> probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do.
> Also, how has it been dealing with your best friend's
> death?

I loved her so much and for so long,18 years and still to this day. I had knots in my stomach when I knew I had to do her makeup. As friends we had all made our funeral requests in advance and so being her friend I had to honor the part I knew I had. That is what you do for the people you love, It was my last chance to talk to her, be with her...to take care of her and pamper her one last time. I am not going to lie she looked like she had really struggled and just having to see her that close in the condition she was in broke my heart. There was no going back, she was gone and I really miss her everyday. I tell her I am sorry for what happened to her, I am sorry I did not get a chance to hug and kiss her before I left that Wednesday. I have had some trouble sleeping a couple of nightmares but I continue to ask God to keep me. I worry a little more about one of my best friend who is actually your sister. I worry that she may leave me early too and I ask God to watch over my loved ones constantly. I find that because of my issues with death, it plays a big part in my day to day live.
>
> Jacqueline:
>
> Kellibrew: What's next? In terms of coping with
> Tiffany's death and having gone through so much
> yourself, what are your next steps in life? What's
> your passion and what are you doing to fulfill your passion?

My passion has always been the arts, it has always been my release from the craziness of this world. I plan to continue my efforts to raise awareness for victims and survivors. There is still a song in my heart so eventually returning to the stage is in my future. "Never Forget" I am adopting that for my own personal motto. Never forget Tiffany, myself, friends, family, the struggle, the success. I feel if you never forget you have no excuse but to press on.

Hilarity

I think this commercial is pure comedy... you all know why.

Dreams Deferred Until the Day After Eternity

Eternity seems a bit dramatic but that's how it feels some of the time. One day I feel like I am ready to take the world back on again and then I look at the mess I placed myself in and I am in that never ending forest. Arms stretched in the darkness eyes wide as if that will help me see any better.Sometimes I think about my life and all my dreams deferred, interrupted and lost. I guess there has to be a trade off somewhere and occasionally there is a bright spot to encourage you to press on. In my mind I have a whole other life a life where all my dreams live. All the deferred dreams are alive and thriving in my mind. I wish they were in real time but they are not and sometimes sleeping is a preferred retreat from my waking life.

I used to believe that as a woman placing full trust and allowing your man to lead was wise. I still hold on to that when the relationship is vested in God, love, and respect. Being unequally yoked can be dangerous and you can find yourself taking up permanent residence in Loserville. Though some things are deferred FAITH in God is all you need. I look at the situation Jamar threw in my face the last fight we had and I find myself giving God the honor and glory for that. I was in church tears streaming down my face. Jackson rubbing the tears away. I was saying Hallelujah because that same situation Jamar said "This is coming from a woman who calls ME in a panic because she can't take care of her child" "Blame everything on the postpartum" I was so grateful to God for bringing me threw that same time he spoke of. I was planning to kill myself that night. It was just one of the many panic attacks that I had experienced and I also knew that my insurance was running out and seeking further help was making me nervous. I was able to have my friends and family surround me with love, prayers and checked in on Jackson and I all the time. I was thanking God for really protecting me. I had made arrangements because I was sick, tired, not sleeping, not eating,stressed and stretched above and beyond. I remember after hanging up the phone with Jamar I just called on my God's name. It took me back to the times in my pregnancy when I would hold my belly and cry asking God to help me, I was so scared and stressed out.

I felt all alone but I ALWAYS called on God and little by little he was showing me and telling me that my son and I were going to be ok. My loved ones told me don't worry about Jamar not being available for you, we are here and they never lied. After being rejected by every apartment that was decent for my son and I, my current apartment became available. I was contacted by my case manager and they notified me that I was misinformed and I had to move right away. God made it so that I had a place and I did not have to go to a shelter. He made it so that this landlord was willing to take my voucher. God made it so that my mother and friends were financially available to take care of Jackson and I. God made it so that even though my last residence screwed up my rental history like so many other residence, I have this home. Look what GOD can do!!!Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Something big is about to happen and I am excited to see what God is going to do. Dreams eventually no longer be deferred. My faith was so weak but when I look back at where my son and I were and where God has brought us I know he is real. The enemy will try to attack your spirit and tell you your dreams are not valid or respected but God has the final say, so take that you devil!!!

A letter to my Father

Father God

I am so desperate to please you. Sometime I feel so lost and that my life is all for not. Ever since I could remember I felt like death has been my shadow waiting to envelope me. Since I was a little girl I wanted to be good and when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior pleasing him was all I wanted to do. When storms would rage in my life I would ask you God why is this happening to me. I have never felt free in my entire life.

What can I do? How can I live my life in order to serve you, I feel clumsy and undeserving of any kind of mercy. I am a liar. I have portrayed myself as a strong person when I have not. I have allowed myself and others to defile me, All I want is to be accepted into the heavenly kingdom but I feel like I am falling short every time. I want a pure and clean heart not just for myself but for my son. I am so sorry for not believing you are faithful at times. Please forgive me for failing you. Because I had not committed to you fully and whole heartily I have had many painful situations occure. I have had to learn some lessons in very hurtful and painful ways, I am still learning and it still hurt and it's even more painful. I know you know my strengths and weaknesses and would not allow certain things to take place in vain. I feel weak in mind, body and spirit. I feel ashamed for questioning my pledge of celibacy. Please forgive me.

I feel my disobediance has gotten in the way of any potential you have for me. I so desperatly want to be a good christian, mother and wife. I desire all these things yet because of my actions I feel like you punish me, and rightfully so. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and continue to lead an upright life. Show me what you need me to do.


Paul the Apostle said we all have a gift and that when we are single we can focus more clearly on God fully,I want to be holy in body and spirit. Because of my disobedience and impatience I became pregnant and subsoquently left by the father of my child. Because I thought I was in control and I hurt myself over and over again. I was straddling the fence thinking all that I wanted God to bless me with would still be granted. I am sorry for not waiting on you Lord. I am desperately running in a never ending maze, God grant me a way of escape and keep me safe. I am afraid of the world and myself, please heal my broken heart. I am calling on you, please save me because I don't want to be left behind. I want to be there with you and I fear having to spend the rest of eturnity in hell.


I pray that my personal failures do not follow my son. I pray that the generational curse stops with my son and that we both live for you. I want to live, I need to survive. Bless me Father, forgive me, have mercy on me. I want my life to be a light for others and that you are glorified because of it. My false representative is much more eloquent, here I feel misplace and grasping to say the right things to you. Please know my heart is sincere. Remove all that is not pleasing to you because I am a failure.

My son belongs to you and I am humbled because of it. You know our lives before we came to be and never in my dreams did I see my son being in my life, yet here he is. He is because of you, thank you Father. Thank you for staying my flesh, deliver me from sin, bless my son,my life, my household and all I encounter. I am fully committed to you, I am reaching out to you, please reach for me too.


I need you Father, please remember me in your kingdom.

Obama I won't let you down.

So Funny

What do you expect?

So J feels like I shut the door in his face. He came,did what he had to do, said what he needed to say and once I asked him if he wanted to come in he said no. I then said ok see ya and shut the door, what more do you need? Funny because he feels like I am treating him a certain way. I just give an outward expression of an inward confession.

J seems to be under some impression that I own him respect. You can't kill a persons dreams, drag them through an emotional mud pit, make decisions that exclude them and think they are supposed to be civil with you. Depending on the day consider yourself lucky.

Getting out the House

Hey Jackson can you hear Mommy?

I miss you and I can't sleep because of it. At about 8 am I will miss you jumping on my head,pulling my hair and kissing me on my lips to wake me up. I can't wait until you come home so we can play, love and laugh.

Totally Bored Out of my Mind

What Kind Of Lover Are You?

You Scored a 77% which means you are a ....

 

Sincere Lover. You are such a total sweetheart people have a hard time taking you seriously. Sadly, because you are so sincere and sweet you get walked all over. Try to hold your ground a little bit and beware of the selfish lover. The feed off of sincere lovers like yourself. Even though you get used and abused a lot you still have a heart of gold.

What kind of lover are you
Take More Quizzes

What Kind Of Mother Are You?
What Kind of Mother are you?
Stern but fare

You are very stern. Your way is "Work first play latter" and for your younger kids "Study First Play Later". But you let your kids do MOSTLY what they want as long as you approve of it and of course AFTER work do there homework!

What kind of Christian are you? Your Result: You Are An Evangelical   You believe that salvation is by grace through faith. That each element is indispensible in bringing a man/woman to salvation. You tend to interpet the bible as it was written and do not seek to add to or take away from its meaning based on your own theology
You Are A Protestant
You Are A Catholic
You Are A Pentacostal
What kind of Christian are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude You've got lots of it - and you love to give it A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Kind Of Women's Shoe Are You?

Some Nerve

I was going to vent on this blog, but I just realized it was not even worth my energy.

Where is Camp Lo?

Flesh of my Flesh

So my mother got a call from a long lost friend. I was happy to hear that they talked and the possibility of them rekindling there friendship looks promising. She asked my mother is my son was my biological son or did I adopt. About 5 years ago that statement would have stung but I am in a different place now. No longer am I the barren one and from my womb I was able to give life.

My son is absolutely perfect and beautiful in every way.

And we danced the night away

We danced so long and so hard I think I sweat off all my M.A.C.

This was the first time we ever danced together and I must say Mr. Jackson you can hold your own. He's so big and tall I felt like a little pea trying to get my groove on with him. The DJ was on point and the crowd was live. I had to take me shoes off at one point and it was all for free. You always have the best time for free.

The Biggest Blessings

Sometimes out of the biggest hurt come the biggest blessing. I look at my son and I fall in love a little more each and everyday. God is a provider and a conqueror, he's a friend and a protector in your time of fear. Everything I have asked for he has provided and I am so humbled by his mercy. Out of the struggle and tough times I ask him to hide me in his bosom.

What a Blast and I am so Over It (My random ramblings)

Jackson's party was a blast, the kids loved it all and I am so happy. I really wanted them to have a day full of fun and go home tired as all get out. The Moon Bounce was awesome the face painting the pinata and all the delicious food. So many of Jackson's friends and family came out to show him love and It was good to see everyone having a wonderful time. I am absolutely pooped, I could really use a deep tissue full body massage. I had to breakdown the Moon Bounce, haul the heavy cooler, break down the tables, return the bounce, drop Jessica off and finally make it home. What was supposed to go from 12-6 ended at 10 in the evening. Folks just kept coming in and we were more than happy to have them. I will not do that again for a long while.

Some of my folks ask how I do it alone and I just say that's what you do for your kids. I am a single mother and this is my life right now, I pray that Jackson and I can add more to our little family but for not it's just us. It's so sad things did not work out with Jamar and I but hey such is life, and Jackson is sad to see him go when he's with his dad. He's a baby so he won't have to remember and he will get used to seeing his daddy separately. I even videotaped his tantrums when Jamar leaves. It hurts me to see Jackson do that but that is the reality of our lives. He'll get over it.It's not something I ever wanted to get used to but it is my life and I am dedicated to get over it. I pray that I still know how to be dainty and delicate when need be when I get involved again.Hauling and lifting, throwing parties, moving, raising kids,juggling life it can really wash some of that delicate flower away. I want to get it back for my sake and my son's sake.

I am raising Male 2.0 because 1.0 and 1.5 had some system failures, I am not saying all is lost on those models but only God can make that work. I pray that one day Jackson never sits back and lets everyone else bust a sweat while he does nothing...unless he's THE BOSS,lol. I say all that to say my uncles saw my butt breaking down all that crap and never lifted a hand. My body still hurts...massage anyone? Ok I am off track about the party, my folks really did it up. I so needed some clothing for lil bit and people just somehow knew. He got a Leap Frog and a cool jacket from his loving Godfather. How good is God and Godfathers, that jacket was right on time. His little blue one was so small on him. His Godfather wants to buy him a much needed car seat but I said no, they do so much already. I am going to try and get a I have been talking to God and praising him so much lately.

My mother says he knows my heart and he has been listening to me, I have to get past the hurt and trust issues a little bit more but I feel like the Transformer Optomis Prime. So now that the party is done I need to focus on passing this math test. I hate math because I am intimidated by it,but I need this job and school for myself and my son. I miss being able to pay my bills on time or not feel guilty about buying something for myself. I have to do this, I am scared but I have to pass this test. Ok I am so over this blog see you on the next one. Enjoy the pictures of the party.

Birthday Parties and a Stiff Drink

So I need a stiff one because I am so stressed out. I have just about everything I need but there are always loose ends. I got so mad today with Jackson's father because he's so selfish. He had the nerve to buy himself a Eddie Bauer booster seat for Jackson. Why would I be mad..Jackson is with me 95% of the time and I can't afford the proper seat right now. You son will barely sit in that seat as much as he sits in my car.

I have to shack it off and know that God will see us through. I am hoping that someone will be kind and give a gift card so I can purchase one for him. My job search is so pathetic and I know because of God I am able to pull off this party. My mother is such a tremendous help and Nicci is an angel. Both of them got Jackson some clothes for winter but I still need to get some other essentials. I am so excited to be able to have a party for my baby, he's such a blessing. He does wonders for a bad mood.

So it's late and I need to do the last running around, I'll have a stiff one and take my tooshie to bed.

Happy Birthday Jackson

At 9:20 AM you came into this world healthy and strong. Happy Birthday Jackson, I love you so much and I thank God for you.

Feeling the hatred

I sometimes wonder why Jamar hates me so much. I wonder why he has an incessant need to control things. If I say no he says nay and so the cycle continues. I put in place a fair visitation arrangement and instead of going with the flow he balked at it and added his personal revisions, it just has to be his way. Needless to say I am holding firm on this and I pray God give me strength. I have to always work a plan that works for me. He crushed my dreams and then expects me to be a team player,please. I will never get used to dividing my sons time with him, it's unnatural and awkward for me. I feel sad for men who think it's ok to have divided families especially when they never put forth the effort to keep one together. I asked for correspondence via text or email and he still called making visitation requests a day before scheduling.

He was full of anger and hate for me and you could almost feel it coming through the phone. I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible he cause me great anxiety and I am a mess when he's done with me. Once I got off the phone I called Walter, Jackson's godfather; I just needed him to listen and perhaps help. I could not hold it anymore and I broke down and cried as soon as we hung up. How did I allow him to talk rude to me and why did I even pick up the phone? Unfortunately my son will feel the hate he has for me and there is nothing I can do about it. My son will never get to see his biological father be good to his mother and that hurts. As a woman and a mother I feel like I have failed myself and my child. I don't hate Jamar and in spite of all that has and has not done to me, I want to believe there is a heart somewhere buried deep down inside of him. I still love him but I don't love how he has treated me. Feeling worse and worse everyday, I only have energy for my son other than that I am dead.

I pray that I live to see my son live a full life. Between the stress that Jamar adds to the slow decay of my body I can't be sure of anything. I am in so much pain and I feel like just cutting out my lower half. Since Jamar gave me the OB said I am now more at risk for all others. We are all venerable but he has heightened my chances. It doesn't matter because my body is all messed up from the pregnancy and according to Jamar my breast look like utters. What man will have that, I am disgusting. Why would he do this to me, all I did was love him. He has left me over and over again and like a fool in love I took him back. I really believed in him, in us and a future together. As for Everette it is so effortless to love me and want a family and he wanted to sacrifice but I was in love with Jamar. I question if I made the right choice in leaving Jamar but Jackson would grow up think it is ok to not cherish women,I need him to respect me and the kind of young man I would like for him to be. I wish he loved me as opposed to hating me. I am trying to remember who I was, I wish I could remember how to have a good time. I feel so lost.

I look forward to each morning with Jackson because he starts his day of with a smile and keeps me grounded.

Creat me A new

Jackson was christened on August 17th, 2008
I was so emotional that day because I felt like I was giving my child away in a sense. I was happy and excited that I was finally doing this, I want my child to have a blessed life. I was happy and sad for Jamar, he was able to be there but not allowed to participate. The church frowns on having children out of wedlock and because Jamar has never been supportive of me he had to be excluded. Lord I know I am a work in progress and I pray that God will work all things out for the good.

Wash of Emotions after Hugs and Kisses

I feel like I am really being tested. Everette came and it was so nice to have what seemed like a family exist for just a few days. Everette has always said he wishes Jackson was his son and I know he is hurt that I went back to Jamar. If I never gave Jamar a chance my little precious baby would not be here. Sure Jamar made a fool of me and tossed me to the wind,but I gained a beautiful child. I will admit it felt so wonderful to lie in his arms (hell anyones arms,lol) and have him squeeze me. It felt so good to see how he and Jackson played together. I soaked up all the kisses and hugs and I replay them in my mind over and over again. I missed having that kind of contact with a man. He is the first man to touch me since Jamar a year and a half of nothing until Everette came. Just to have him touch me and hold me as I sobbed, I felt like such a dork. I was so scared and excited all at the same time to have him wrap his huge arms around me. I asked God to protect my flesh each and every time and sure enough God showed up and showed out. My test right now is to trust him with everything.
I admit I get so lonely sometimes and my only physical contact is my son. Everette is not here to hold me, and I don't know any other guys. Being celibate is the hardest when I feel the loneliest. I ask God all the time to protect me and hide me and he is nothing short of a miracle. I am trying my best to get past the hurt of all the things Jamar has done. Sometimes I cry, like now because I feel like he trapped me. Pick me up and then body slamed me not once but once too many times. I struggle to sometimes not cry at least once a day. I pray and ask God to take this hurt away but It won't leave my being soon enough. Why is that? People suggest that time will heal and to let go,believe me I am trying. I am trying my best to not throw tantrums and drink myself sick. Every time I look at my beautiful son I stop. I don't want to question God but I feel like I am moving and standing still sometimes. I wish I felt safe, I wish my faith was stronger, I wish this hurt away, I wish Everette lived closer, I wish I could just get over it. Jamar is so good at being robotic, he can go from hot to cold in 2 seconds flat and not miss a beat. I like you today and tomorrow I won't. I was mean to Jamar the other day and initially I was not sorry about it. I really had to search my heart and ask God to forgive me. Sometimes I don't want to be nice, or cordial. Most of the time I just want to be left alone. I wish I could just ball up and disappear. Sometimes I wonder if being celibate is worth it,what am I doing? Where am I going? What is to become of me. How can I pick others up and I can't even do it for myself. I have tiny moments of happiness peeking out of a dark shell. Jackson is my happiness, he is everything to me and I am grateful for him.


Lateefah and Zasia stayed with us for a week and now that they are gone I feel alone again. I insisted she stay because it was good for the both of us. Jackson had a playmate and I could care for my friend all at the same time. Jackson cried so long and hard after Zasia left, I felt so bad for the little guy. My boo bah missed his friend. I know exactly how he felt.

Virginia Beach

So I was able to take the kids to Virginia Beach and we had a great time. It was Jackson's first time and I could tell he had a ball. My lil baby got a little tan,played with his cousins and ate sand. I picked up my old camera and took some shots but I did not realize the film I had was black and white. I took 2 of Jackson with my camera phone. One shows his little tan and the other is him relaxing in my chair.

The kids had a ball and I am so happy that they did. It's so improtant to me that my kiddies have pleasent times. I know my youth did not have a lot of good times so being able to see the joy on there faces means the world to me.

Kanyeezy Has Done it Again...I Love Him

Excited

So Larry left and I miss him and so does Jackson. He was such a great help to me and a shoulder to cry on and a good ear. I was able to go out and relax while he was here and that felt so good Jackson and Larry even made me breakfast. He came in the nick of time because it was right on the heels of the confrontation Jamar and I had. I realize now I can't change him but I can change me. He almost cost me an orientation with his personal drama. All of the foolishness could have been avoided by not allowing his behavior to get to me.

I have a plan now and I am sticking to it. I have my focus and I am asking God to keep me grounded. In all things I must remember Christ. So with that said Everette will be here next week and initially he was supposed to stay with Jackson and I but the Holy Spirit says no. I am excited but I have stand firm on God's path for me and I can't mess that up at all. I had no worries with Larry because he is my good friend and there was nothing going on at all in the romance department. It was cool because he slept in my room and Jackson and I slept in his, we had a cool roommate for a couple of days.

Jackson's Christening was so emotional for me, I felt like I was giving my baby away, but for a good reason. I was when you think about it, I gave him to God and now I have to order my steps in God's word. I want my son to have a blessed life and I pray that I am there every step of the way. My closest friends and family were there. I am so proud to have them share in that moment. So many exciting things have happened and will happen and I am feeling so thankful. Larry came,Jackson got Christened,and I will be working at my dream job before the year is over. Let the praises go up and the blessings come down.

Chasing Pavments

Chasing Pavements Video

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping pt2

Talked to Everette last night, it was late. I really don't want to put myself out there only to be crushed again. I have finally gotten to a point where I am smiling again. I will not lie and pretend I am happy but I am trying to put forth more smiles than tears. My trust in men has been shattered by my son's father, Everette wants to restore it but he is human and it's possible for him to fail too.

Is there such a thing as true honest love out there. I never thought of myself as a complicated chick, I just appreciate someone who needs and craves commitment, consistency and stability in there life. I look at my son and I am trying to keep that going for his sake. I will never change my position on 2 parent homes. I think you make the sacrifice for yourself and the ones you care about. I learned long ago there is nothing out in the world for me. I am trying so hard to live in the spiritual world but I won't lie the devil is busy.

The devil loves when I lose my cool, he loves when I question my celibacy. Is Everette the one? He has expressed over and over again how much he always wanted us to be a family and Jackson should be his son. I know because he loves me, he loves my son but I am so afraid to take the chance. In a way him being in Texas is good, no temptation to do wrong. I am really going to have to pray for guidance and protection when he comes up to visit. I am so excited I am bursting at the seams, I can't wait to see him again. I broke his heart and I know leaving him for Jamar has done damage. I love him but not like I loved Jamar.

Will you Dance with me...

To this song? I love it. So beautiful and I feel so sexy when I hear it, makes me think of good time with the one I was in love with.

04 - Anthony David - Words Ft. India Arie - The Red Clay Chronicles from http://girlpoet.vox.com/

Tired but I Can't Sleep

Just drove 5 hours back home and Jackson is fast asleep. He is really a rider, my road buddy. You know mama got get places to get things done for his future. I pray that all that I am doing now and in the future pays off for him. So my brakes are shot and I won't accept any money from my friend. I just need his ear and a shoulder. The gas got cut off because I always have to wait on BD for a late check. I guess that's how he sticks it to me. No worries it won't be long and he won't be able to strees me out anymore.

So Micah and I are done, funny we never got off the ground thanks to Jamar. I finally got the nerve to talk to a guy after a year and a half. He is the 2nd guy I have met for this year and no luck. At least he kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. The last man I kissed was Jamar,wow I remember it was February 2007 and I have not had ANY contact with ANY man since. I could probably claim virgin status now. I am still afraid to try, I want to because I get lonley and because I practice abstainence I lead a pretty pathetic life. I heard single mothers get very little one on one attention,were too busy taking care of anyone else.

Jackson and I have been staying with my boy and it's been cool. There was no gas to bath,boil water for Jackson's food and he was there. I am enjoying the company and the help with Jackson, God knows I get so tired. I know I need to go to the doctor but I feel like moost of them are full of crap. I'll just wait untill I fall out because I don't have time to be wasting time. I will say I am feeling the love and caring and great conversation. Jackson loves all the space and who could blame him, i don't know If we will ever go home,lol.

Jamar is living his happy comfortable life and I am trying to do the same. I envy him in some ways. He has the ability to share himself sexually with no conscience. I wish I could be that way sometimes, I will admit I miss being touched. I have to pray that God protect me and my flesh. I so want to be obediant so I have to ask for a hedge of protection all the time. It gets hard when you just want to be held, kissed, and told something sweet like I miss you. Anywho I hope I get to be loved on soon before my time to do anything is pretty much gone. I'll just love on Jackson for now. As a matter of fact let me do that now...good night.

My Booba

Looks like someone is having a bad hair day, what happened son?



Jackson get out of the window!

I don't care what you say I said no Jackson!

Ok I forgive you, thanks for the kiss.

After Tonight

This is a sweet and beautiful song, I love it plus he's cute.

Slipping out of my Hands

So I meet a really nice guy and things were going fine until. My son's father started butting his nose in my buisness and drove my nice guy away. For the first time in a year and a half someone kissed me on the cheeck and held my hand. I got my first hug and it felt so good to be held but my nice guy did not want the BS that came along with me.

I waited so long to build up the courage to even talk to a man and now my ex has ruined it. I don't know if I will ever be able to get to that place again.

His First Steps

Jackson took his first 2 steps all on his own at 1:11 am.

Breathing Easy

So I am praying for trust and strength. As I ask God protection for my child I am asking for myself as well. Eventually I will let him go with his father for a slight extended stay soon. I will do it in my time with no pressure from anyone. I have to stand my ground now in my life because people will run a muck if you let them. When you don't stand your ground you end up consenting to things you're not comfortable with.

So I am feeling a little relieved that I will have a friend here to help me and the baby. Finally someone who cares enough about me to help me on a regular basis. I am looking forward to having a man...yes a man talk to me and do things with me and the baby. I am looking forward to things getting done around the house. I am hoping he come before I have to go to the hospital. I have been feeling so sick lately and the headaches don't go away. I can't afford to be hospitalized with a young baby, I would miss him way too much. I can't wait until my friend comes, I am looking forward to experiencing what it feels like to be a 3 some. It's crazy that he wants to take us on and recognizes I need a friend. I can't make it seem like my mother and girlfriends have not been a good source of support,they have been awesome to Jackson and I.

Why should I raise Jackson alone if I don't have to? Finally a man who wants to be a part of our little family unit. I am looking forward to making the adjustment and a visual routine for my son. I must admit I am very excited.

So my money is funny and the thought of that is a bit stressful right now, I need the fall to roll around so I can bring some ends in. Depending on Jackson's father sucks because I have to wait on him. Everything is late every month because of it. I hope to be on my feet soon, I hate having to lug Jackson and myself when stuff gets cut off. God is going to work it all out and I thank him for giving me patience.

My headache is subsiding and I feel a bit better, I guess unloading did it. You know what would be really good right now a good tight hug and a cuddle. I have become so used to holding and cuddling Jackson I realized just now I want one too lol. Everette called today, I was too busy to call him back I wonder what he will say next. It's nice to be missed and loved and I wonder sometimes if he is the guy for me for us. Daydreaming is a good distraction when things are crazy,it's like a little get away.

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping

5:00 am
So it's been 8 years since we met that faithful night. I was scared and I did not know what to expect. We pick up and leave off like we never missed a beat. I miss how safe you make me feel about things. You wanted a family with me, you wish my son was your son,damn. What do I say to that, I have no words just feelings. I am too afraid to hope so I won't. I will be content and happy I am feeling again but that is as far as it goes.

There are so many memories, I enjoyed talking about them this morning I;m sure we missed some. It's only been an 30 minutes since we got off the phone and I miss the sound of your voice already. It's been so long since I talked to a man better yet a man who has feelings for me. It feels good to have that time to look forward to. Were so far apart how is this going to work. I don't know what were trying to do. I have to make the right decision. Thank you for the unexpected but very welcome phone call,I'm smiling can you see.

P.S. I miss you too

Wham Make It Big

I was so in love with Andrew Ridgley back in the day. George was and will always be a cutie pie but Andrew could get it. This is my favorite video of the 80's.

My First Commercial

Wow I thought this was buried away but I found it, my first commercial. I guess I need to ask them for the full version.


http://www.carousel30.com/film_anntaylor.asp

"I Am Ann Taylor" (Spec Spot)
We were invited to create this spot for Ann Taylor's "I Am Ann Taylor," that commemorated their 50th anniversary. All post-production was completed by Carousel30.

Please contact us for a link to view the full video
or to receive our DVD Reel.

Sick Flow

I love Ursula Rucker and her flow is so crazy. I remember buying The Roots CD and this poem was at the end. Her voice is sweet yet commanding and her ability to deliver is phenomenal. If I ever had to die and come back as a poet I would want to come back as Ursula Rucker.

This poem resignates with my life so much I guess that is why I was drawn to her. As a former rape hotline counciler I heard this story over and over again. I continue to pray for the women and children who are survivors.

Stars

I love this song so much. I can't say that it is my favorite but I love the lyrics.

Hey Lover

I remember this song back in the day summertime. Everyone had there boyfriend or girlfriend bunned up. All I can say Is this song brings back some good memories. Almost wants to make you run out and find a boo,lol.

One Day

God I am seeking you, asking you to keep me and hold me, I feel like I am slipping away. If only I could be like the moon,maybe one day.

Soulmate

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,if there's a soulmate for everyone...

Soulmate Video

Thumps and Bumps

Jackson is so curious,so much so he fell of the bed. He went right through the bars and all I saw was tiny feet going over. I called to him several times and each time he came back but the one time I was not looking he went for it and decided to bolt. I think he was more scared than he was hurt. He flip through the bars and landed on the carpet. He cried a bit and no sooner than I picked him up and loved on him,he was ready to go again.

After he daddy left tonight,he was playing on the ground and lost his balance. He has a little bump over his eye now like a little boxer. I tried to kiss it but he was too upset. He is fast asleep now and I am going to tie things up and retire myself. Got to get my camera and video fixed so I can capture all his moments.

Pain

I don't want to go to the doctor anymore. I don't want to hear what they have to say. I don't have the time and frankly I am burnt out. If I die I die, I am going to work on getting all my affairs in order. I have a toothache I have a headache I have a lifeache. YUCK Rhymes with F$&#.

Yippy Yuckity Yuck Poo Poo

So I went of my first cruise,well The Spirit Of Washington Cruise. I was so happy to be out for the first time in over a year. I had my first drink and got to dance and have a little fun. My mother was so nice to watch Jackson for me. It was a last minute thing and she came through for me like she always does. I hate to seem like there is always a negative but it was. Both of my friends were there with there husbands and it seemed like everyone was coupled up. I am always the third wheel nowadays. I know she was just being nice and trying to make me feel good by giving me kudos. She was like Jackie you are good, I was never a single mother and it's such hard work I don't know how you do it. I don't even know how to eat at a normal pace anymore,much less sleep. Ah the life as a single parent,my son is my joy so I take it one day at a time.

There were a couple of single guys there to dance with but hell I decided to dance by myself. I was so lonely, I keep asking God to hold me and take the loneliness away. I came home and took a long shower and cried myself to sleep. If it were not for Jackson I would have offed myself already. I hate living right now, I pray that I get past these dark feelings. I hate thinking bad thoughts and wishing I could disappear. Jackson stares at me with a concerned bewildered look when I cry. I hate crying in front of him but I get so down sometimes. Mother's day is going to suck ass so I plan on just shutting my son and myself away in my apartment. I will never get a first Mother's day back but I am sure it will suck anyway much like my life. I am sure my girlfriends will be with there husbands and boyfriends getting kind words,flowers,hugs and kisses...me nothing. It won't be what I dreamed about so it's just as well to hide in my room.

I wish I can ball myself up like paper and throw myself in the trash but for now I will just ball up in a closet and play with Jackson there. He's closet is big enough for the both of us. When I was little I used to hide in the closet because it made me feel safe. God help me live another day,give me strength,dry my tears,give me peace, I don't want to die. I hate that my son has to see his mommy so bad, it's like me all over again. I would watch my mother cry and I would be there looking at her helpless trying to find something good to say. I remember one morning I was on my way out to school and she was in the sitting at the table drinking rat poison. She was yelling at me,crying for me to leave and go to school. I begged to stay with her, I did not want her to leave me. She was and is all I have and I still am so scared of losing her. I have always felt so alone already and to lose her would be devastating.

Jackson is about to have his first tooth so I am counting down the days. He has a tiny little nub pushing through and he is using it. He is about to walk soon and I can't take it. He is growing up right before my eyes and It was just the other day he was a wee little thing. The best part of Jackson is he is so happy and well adjusted, I still feel like in many ways I have failed him for the future. All I can do is just love him and care for him the best way I possibly can. He does wonders when your feeling low,even Nicci says when she holds him and is around him she feels no pain.

So the night Jamar brought up my rape, I started to think about it and relive it. I thought about calling the hot line and seeking some help but the fear and pain of it all consumed me too much for me to dial. Ever since that day I think about that guy. I don't know what he looks like, I know he was black and had a scary voice. He stole my drivers licence and I remember being scared about leaving and coming home,thanks God I have moved. I meet Jamar later that year and did my best to push past it. I was thankful to be able to have Jamar hold me in the middle of the night because most of the time I was scared I just hid it very well. Sometimes when I spent the night at Jamar's he would come to bed later on and sometimes I would try to stay up because I was afraid. Even in his house my rapist would give me nightmares. When Jamar asked me why didn't I fight back? I felt like all the life was drained out of me when he asked that. I wish I could have but when someone overpowers you,you feel helpless and defenseless and angry after it's over. They rob you of the opportunity to say yes or no. They steal your body and you feel very violated and I wish it never happened.

I hate not having any money, I can't even buy my mother a Mother's Day gift. I plan on telling her thank you. She just wants me to be ok and I dare not tell her how I am really feeling. I don't know how she raised us day to day alone with no man in the house. I know I have a hard time so I can imaging what she went thouth. Kudos to single mother's. Jackson I sleeping now so I am going to try and get somethings done even thought it's almost 1 am.

Finally

DNA confirms IDs of czar's children, ending mystery By MIKE ECKEL, Associated Press Writer
Wed Apr 30, 7:20 PM ET



MOSCOW - For nine decades after Bolshevik executioners gunned down Czar Nicholas II and his family, there were no traces of the remains of Crown Prince Alexei, the hemophiliac heir to Russia's throne.

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Some said the delicate 13-year-old had somehow survived and escaped; others believed his bones were lost in Russia's vastness, buried in secret amid fear and chaos as the country lurched into civil war.

Now an official says DNA tests have solved the mystery by identifying bone shards found in a forest as those of Alexei and his sister, Grand Duchess Maria.

The remains of their parents — Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra — and three siblings, including the czar's youngest daughter, Anastasia, were unearthed in 1991 and reburied in the imperial resting place in St. Petersburg. The Russian Orthodox Church made all seven of them saints in 2000.

Despite the earlier discoveries and ceremonies, the absence of Alexei's and Maria's remains gnawed at descendants of the Romanov dynasty, history buffs and royalists. Even if Wednesday's announcement is confirmed and widely accepted, many descendants of the royal family are unlikely to be fully assuaged; they seek formal "rehabilitation" by the government.

"The tragedy of the czar's family will only end when the family is declared victims of political repression," said German Lukyanov, a lawyer for royal descendants.

Nicholas abdicated in 1917 as revolutionary fervor swept Russia, and he and his family were detained. They were shot by a firing squad on July 17, 1918, in the basement of the Yekaterinburg house where they were being held.

Rumors persisted that some of the family had survived and escaped. Claims by women to be Anastasia were particularly prominent, although there were also pretenders to Alexei's and Maria's identities.

"It was 99.9 percent clear they had all been killed; now with these shards, it's 100 percent," said Nadia Kizenko, a Russian scholar at the University at Albany, State University of New York. "Those who regret this news will be those who liked the royal pretender myth."

Alexei was one of the more compelling of the victims, drawing sympathy because of his hemophilia. His mother's terror of the disease and fear that he would not live to gain the throne were key to her falling under the thrall of the hypnotic and sexually ravenous self-declared holy man Rasputin, who exerted vast influence on the royal family.

Researchers unearthed the bone shards last summer in a forest near Yekaterinburg, where the royal family was killed, and enlisted Russian and U.S. laboratories to conduct DNA tests.

Eduard Rossel, governor of the region 900 miles east of Moscow, said tests done by a U.S. laboratory had identified the shards as those of Alexei and Maria.

"This has confirmed that indeed it is the children," he said. "We have now found the entire family."

"The main genetic laboratory in the United States has concluded its work with a full confirmation of our own laboratories' work," Rossel said.

He did not specify the laboratory, but a genetic research team working at the University of Massachusetts Medical School has been involved in the process. Evgeny Rogaev, who headed the team that tested the remains in Moscow and at the medical school in Worcester, Mass., was called into the case by the Russian Federation Prosecutor's Office.

He told The Associated Press on Wednesday that he delivered the results to Russian authorities, but said it was up to the prosecutor's office — not him or his team — to disclose the findings.

"The most difficult work is done and we have delivered to them our expert analysis, but we are still working," he said. "Scientifically, we want to make the most complete investigation possible."

The test results were based on analysis of mitochondrial DNA, the genetic material passed down only from mothers to children. That DNA is more stable than nuclear DNA — the material inherited from the father's side — especially when remains are badly damaged.

In this case, the bone fragments were so shattered and burned that Rogaev's team first had to determine whether enough uncontaminated genetic material still existed for testing.

The delicate work proved that, indeed, useful DNA could be extracted from a very small amount of the material — a critical fact, since they wanted to preserve as much of the bone fragments as possible out of respect for the victims.

The researchers also compared DNA from the remains with those of Empress Alexandra, who was a granddaughter of Britain's Queen Victoria and a distant relative of Prince Philip, the husband of Queen Elizabeth II.

With the mitochondrial analysis completed, the team is working on the nuclear DNA analysis and comparing the samples to paternal relatives of the czar's family.

That information, along with conclusions already delivered to the Russian prosecutors, eventually will be submitted to a professional journal for peer review and publication.

It was unclear if the Russian Orthodox Church will recognize them as genuine. The church's press service said no one could comment on Wednesday's announcement.

It was also unclear whether the descendents of the royal family would accept the identification. Lukyanov said neither he nor his clients had received confirmation.

Lukyanov's efforts to get the government to declare the royal family victims of political repression have been repeatedly rejected by Russian courts, which have said the family's killing was premeditated murder, not a political reprisal.

He said Russia had much to do to overcome its tortured past.

"They say that as long as the last soldier remains unburied, the war continues," Lukyanov told AP. "So long as the last victim of Bolshevik terror and the Communist regime remains unrehabilitiated, the repression will continue."