On a Quest to find Where I Misplaced Myself.

So I had drama on the job, and what`s messed up was it came from someone I cared about dearly, I think I attract it. I think I attract people who like drama and men who have major issues or fear commitment. I sometimes think I am a resting place for them, they get there use and move on. The problem for me is I end up holding the empty bag. I can admit I find it hard to say no or stop. I will also admit I used to resent it when my mother would say "You let people run over you". I guess I didn`t want to be viewed as weak or flawed, but I have come to know we all are in some way or the other.

I also know I have a problem...I will totally disconnect with people once they piss me off. I will cut them off like the grass and hope they wither and die...Ok that was real extra and dramatic. No I don`t hope that, it just seemed silly to say at the moment. I guess I have a morbid sick dry humor side, and guess I am the only one laughing.
I also know I don`t say exactly what I am feeling, I will just harbor feelings of silent rage and bitch about it in my mind. I guess I don`t want to be viewed as confrontational or argumentative.

There is no part of me that likes to fight,but I know I need to express how I feel and be honest. I guess I also don`t want to come off as a total bitch either, I am tired and yes I am complaining today. The volunteer training I am doing is turning into therapy and I think I may need to check my own self in. I started this as a way for me to give back and I see that my own tainted childhood has never been completely worked out.
It has forced me to examine who I am as a person and why I interact with people the way I do. This training and self-discovery is very painful at times but I know it has always been in my heart to continue to give of myself. I asked Jamar to tell me the things about myself that he sees. My ability to be a little bit selfish,stubborn and unable to forgive.

I see the selfish part in my as the Girl/Woman who just didn`t get It and I mean It as in anything I may have wanted no matter how nice I was. I did`nt understand that some people will use you because your so open and eager to please. I didn`t realize it`s ok to say I need this or I want this. I now realize in some and or most of my relationships I exhibit some of this selfishness. I want what I want cause I feel like I deserve it. I pout, or demand in many verbal and non-verbal ways.
I know I need to work on this.

Being stubborn can have it`s pros and cons. My stubbornness is not to budge when folks do me or others wrong. If you have treated me or anyone else In a way that is mean,cold,hurtful,disrespectful,demeaning or degrading way...You get an F in my book officially put yourself on my list and most folks never come from that. You are cast out of my life because I view you as harmful and not of good character. Feeling like that scares me away from people I feel like they have potential to do it again if they have done it before. I don`t stick around to find out of they just made a human error of bad judgment, I have already branded them as "BAD PEOPLE".

I think somewhere deep down I knew some of these things,but I really believe that speaking the truth is very freeing. I need to ease up and stop beating myself up about things that I can`t change...At least I can`t change today. I really do Thanks God for the wonderful women who are now in my life, I know now what true friendship is, they love me in spite of my flaws, call me out when I am wrong and support me in whatever direction my life takes me and remind me to not give up on my talents.
I am feeling so very Thankful right now for self-discovery.