Flesh of my Flesh

So my mother got a call from a long lost friend. I was happy to hear that they talked and the possibility of them rekindling there friendship looks promising. She asked my mother is my son was my biological son or did I adopt. About 5 years ago that statement would have stung but I am in a different place now. No longer am I the barren one and from my womb I was able to give life.

My son is absolutely perfect and beautiful in every way.

And we danced the night away

We danced so long and so hard I think I sweat off all my M.A.C.

This was the first time we ever danced together and I must say Mr. Jackson you can hold your own. He's so big and tall I felt like a little pea trying to get my groove on with him. The DJ was on point and the crowd was live. I had to take me shoes off at one point and it was all for free. You always have the best time for free.

The Biggest Blessings

Sometimes out of the biggest hurt come the biggest blessing. I look at my son and I fall in love a little more each and everyday. God is a provider and a conqueror, he's a friend and a protector in your time of fear. Everything I have asked for he has provided and I am so humbled by his mercy. Out of the struggle and tough times I ask him to hide me in his bosom.

What a Blast and I am so Over It (My random ramblings)

Jackson's party was a blast, the kids loved it all and I am so happy. I really wanted them to have a day full of fun and go home tired as all get out. The Moon Bounce was awesome the face painting the pinata and all the delicious food. So many of Jackson's friends and family came out to show him love and It was good to see everyone having a wonderful time. I am absolutely pooped, I could really use a deep tissue full body massage. I had to breakdown the Moon Bounce, haul the heavy cooler, break down the tables, return the bounce, drop Jessica off and finally make it home. What was supposed to go from 12-6 ended at 10 in the evening. Folks just kept coming in and we were more than happy to have them. I will not do that again for a long while.

Some of my folks ask how I do it alone and I just say that's what you do for your kids. I am a single mother and this is my life right now, I pray that Jackson and I can add more to our little family but for not it's just us. It's so sad things did not work out with Jamar and I but hey such is life, and Jackson is sad to see him go when he's with his dad. He's a baby so he won't have to remember and he will get used to seeing his daddy separately. I even videotaped his tantrums when Jamar leaves. It hurts me to see Jackson do that but that is the reality of our lives. He'll get over it.It's not something I ever wanted to get used to but it is my life and I am dedicated to get over it. I pray that I still know how to be dainty and delicate when need be when I get involved again.Hauling and lifting, throwing parties, moving, raising kids,juggling life it can really wash some of that delicate flower away. I want to get it back for my sake and my son's sake.

I am raising Male 2.0 because 1.0 and 1.5 had some system failures, I am not saying all is lost on those models but only God can make that work. I pray that one day Jackson never sits back and lets everyone else bust a sweat while he does nothing...unless he's THE BOSS,lol. I say all that to say my uncles saw my butt breaking down all that crap and never lifted a hand. My body still hurts...massage anyone? Ok I am off track about the party, my folks really did it up. I so needed some clothing for lil bit and people just somehow knew. He got a Leap Frog and a cool jacket from his loving Godfather. How good is God and Godfathers, that jacket was right on time. His little blue one was so small on him. His Godfather wants to buy him a much needed car seat but I said no, they do so much already. I am going to try and get a I have been talking to God and praising him so much lately.

My mother says he knows my heart and he has been listening to me, I have to get past the hurt and trust issues a little bit more but I feel like the Transformer Optomis Prime. So now that the party is done I need to focus on passing this math test. I hate math because I am intimidated by it,but I need this job and school for myself and my son. I miss being able to pay my bills on time or not feel guilty about buying something for myself. I have to do this, I am scared but I have to pass this test. Ok I am so over this blog see you on the next one. Enjoy the pictures of the party.

Birthday Parties and a Stiff Drink

So I need a stiff one because I am so stressed out. I have just about everything I need but there are always loose ends. I got so mad today with Jackson's father because he's so selfish. He had the nerve to buy himself a Eddie Bauer booster seat for Jackson. Why would I be mad..Jackson is with me 95% of the time and I can't afford the proper seat right now. You son will barely sit in that seat as much as he sits in my car.

I have to shack it off and know that God will see us through. I am hoping that someone will be kind and give a gift card so I can purchase one for him. My job search is so pathetic and I know because of God I am able to pull off this party. My mother is such a tremendous help and Nicci is an angel. Both of them got Jackson some clothes for winter but I still need to get some other essentials. I am so excited to be able to have a party for my baby, he's such a blessing. He does wonders for a bad mood.

So it's late and I need to do the last running around, I'll have a stiff one and take my tooshie to bed.

Happy Birthday Jackson

At 9:20 AM you came into this world healthy and strong. Happy Birthday Jackson, I love you so much and I thank God for you.

Feeling the hatred

I sometimes wonder why Jamar hates me so much. I wonder why he has an incessant need to control things. If I say no he says nay and so the cycle continues. I put in place a fair visitation arrangement and instead of going with the flow he balked at it and added his personal revisions, it just has to be his way. Needless to say I am holding firm on this and I pray God give me strength. I have to always work a plan that works for me. He crushed my dreams and then expects me to be a team player,please. I will never get used to dividing my sons time with him, it's unnatural and awkward for me. I feel sad for men who think it's ok to have divided families especially when they never put forth the effort to keep one together. I asked for correspondence via text or email and he still called making visitation requests a day before scheduling.

He was full of anger and hate for me and you could almost feel it coming through the phone. I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible he cause me great anxiety and I am a mess when he's done with me. Once I got off the phone I called Walter, Jackson's godfather; I just needed him to listen and perhaps help. I could not hold it anymore and I broke down and cried as soon as we hung up. How did I allow him to talk rude to me and why did I even pick up the phone? Unfortunately my son will feel the hate he has for me and there is nothing I can do about it. My son will never get to see his biological father be good to his mother and that hurts. As a woman and a mother I feel like I have failed myself and my child. I don't hate Jamar and in spite of all that has and has not done to me, I want to believe there is a heart somewhere buried deep down inside of him. I still love him but I don't love how he has treated me. Feeling worse and worse everyday, I only have energy for my son other than that I am dead.

I pray that I live to see my son live a full life. Between the stress that Jamar adds to the slow decay of my body I can't be sure of anything. I am in so much pain and I feel like just cutting out my lower half. Since Jamar gave me the OB said I am now more at risk for all others. We are all venerable but he has heightened my chances. It doesn't matter because my body is all messed up from the pregnancy and according to Jamar my breast look like utters. What man will have that, I am disgusting. Why would he do this to me, all I did was love him. He has left me over and over again and like a fool in love I took him back. I really believed in him, in us and a future together. As for Everette it is so effortless to love me and want a family and he wanted to sacrifice but I was in love with Jamar. I question if I made the right choice in leaving Jamar but Jackson would grow up think it is ok to not cherish women,I need him to respect me and the kind of young man I would like for him to be. I wish he loved me as opposed to hating me. I am trying to remember who I was, I wish I could remember how to have a good time. I feel so lost.

I look forward to each morning with Jackson because he starts his day of with a smile and keeps me grounded.

Creat me A new

Jackson was christened on August 17th, 2008
I was so emotional that day because I felt like I was giving my child away in a sense. I was happy and excited that I was finally doing this, I want my child to have a blessed life. I was happy and sad for Jamar, he was able to be there but not allowed to participate. The church frowns on having children out of wedlock and because Jamar has never been supportive of me he had to be excluded. Lord I know I am a work in progress and I pray that God will work all things out for the good.

Wash of Emotions after Hugs and Kisses

I feel like I am really being tested. Everette came and it was so nice to have what seemed like a family exist for just a few days. Everette has always said he wishes Jackson was his son and I know he is hurt that I went back to Jamar. If I never gave Jamar a chance my little precious baby would not be here. Sure Jamar made a fool of me and tossed me to the wind,but I gained a beautiful child. I will admit it felt so wonderful to lie in his arms (hell anyones arms,lol) and have him squeeze me. It felt so good to see how he and Jackson played together. I soaked up all the kisses and hugs and I replay them in my mind over and over again. I missed having that kind of contact with a man. He is the first man to touch me since Jamar a year and a half of nothing until Everette came. Just to have him touch me and hold me as I sobbed, I felt like such a dork. I was so scared and excited all at the same time to have him wrap his huge arms around me. I asked God to protect my flesh each and every time and sure enough God showed up and showed out. My test right now is to trust him with everything.
I admit I get so lonely sometimes and my only physical contact is my son. Everette is not here to hold me, and I don't know any other guys. Being celibate is the hardest when I feel the loneliest. I ask God all the time to protect me and hide me and he is nothing short of a miracle. I am trying my best to get past the hurt of all the things Jamar has done. Sometimes I cry, like now because I feel like he trapped me. Pick me up and then body slamed me not once but once too many times. I struggle to sometimes not cry at least once a day. I pray and ask God to take this hurt away but It won't leave my being soon enough. Why is that? People suggest that time will heal and to let go,believe me I am trying. I am trying my best to not throw tantrums and drink myself sick. Every time I look at my beautiful son I stop. I don't want to question God but I feel like I am moving and standing still sometimes. I wish I felt safe, I wish my faith was stronger, I wish this hurt away, I wish Everette lived closer, I wish I could just get over it. Jamar is so good at being robotic, he can go from hot to cold in 2 seconds flat and not miss a beat. I like you today and tomorrow I won't. I was mean to Jamar the other day and initially I was not sorry about it. I really had to search my heart and ask God to forgive me. Sometimes I don't want to be nice, or cordial. Most of the time I just want to be left alone. I wish I could just ball up and disappear. Sometimes I wonder if being celibate is worth it,what am I doing? Where am I going? What is to become of me. How can I pick others up and I can't even do it for myself. I have tiny moments of happiness peeking out of a dark shell. Jackson is my happiness, he is everything to me and I am grateful for him.


Lateefah and Zasia stayed with us for a week and now that they are gone I feel alone again. I insisted she stay because it was good for the both of us. Jackson had a playmate and I could care for my friend all at the same time. Jackson cried so long and hard after Zasia left, I felt so bad for the little guy. My boo bah missed his friend. I know exactly how he felt.