Multitasking Mommy

So it is 2:15 am and Jackson is still up. He was doing so good for a while and then he is off schedule. There I am with relaxer in my hair in the shower and Jackson screaming at the top of his lungs. He wants me, he wants me to pick him up and he is acting like I was so far away. He was right at the end of the shower...water falling on the floor because he has the curtain back, he wants me to pick him up NOW!

My eyes are burning and Omar is trying his best to help me get his clothes off but he wants no parts of Omar's help. We finally get him in the shower with me but I am holding him in one hand and trying to wash the relaxer out with the other. I am partially blind at this point but he will not let me go, what can I do...nothing. I usually have to multitask nowadays because I am on my own. Some folks who are without kids would just suggest to plan better, with kids anything can happen.

Jackson and I usually eat and on the way wherever, I change diapers in the car, make calls,check email,clothing you name it I do...I have no choice. Most times I am so tired but you can't stop and rest there is always something to do. I just try to keep the home as tidy as I can and eat a decent meal when time permits. What's a momma to do. So as I am typing this blog he is now knocked out in my arms, what a lil tyrant,lol. I can lay him down and start working, this little bit of money will really come in handy.

The New Year is approaching and I am hoping I can get some rest/sleep with all I have going on.


Yours Truly the Multitasking Momma

Good Morning

We can't control our fate only God. I stand by every decision I made be it happy or hurtful, I grew because of it all. Though I may not be perfect I am human, I am a woman, I am emotional, hormonal, shy, bold, ambitious, scared out of my mind at times, fearless because of the God I serve, I am a mother, a woman, an aunt, a child,a self proclaimed flower child who craves structure and stability. I am ME.

I dedicate this blog to my own personal ladybug. God was speaking to me while we were away from each other. He came to me to tell me what was wrong with you and I understand and will always be here. This song reminds me of how I felt from September 19, 2005 to present day. Relationships can be work, sometimes were successful and sometimes they are not. I have had some good ones and some not so good ones, and just because I am no longer with the good ones does not mean I/We failed. I trusted God to take the lead and though those men are no longer in my life romantically I have learned from them and have lasting friendships. You deserve to be with someone who is your friend and understands and respects not just your wants but also your needs. God knows the exact blueprint for our lives so just know it's ok to trust him and he will heal the wounds. I hope you enjoy the lyrics to this song.

Good Morning - India.Arie


Good Mourning

Do do do
Do do do
Do do do do do do dooooooo (4 times)

Good morning silence
Good morning to myself

Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
oh ohhhhh~

Good mourning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets

I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone
Oh Ohhhhhh

Good mourning to the harsh realities of life
and good mourning to the fact we're not husband and wife

We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way
oh ohhhhhhhh

Good mourning~~~~

Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment
even the strain

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live
oh ohhhhhhhhhh

Good mourning~~~~

Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

I know that God's will, will be done
So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

I know that God's will, will be done.
So it's a good morning after all

Random Scribes from the Gut

So there are something I have been moving through. My girlfriend of 18+ years was brutally stabbed to death a month ago yesterday. The hurt comes in waves like all the other stresses. I was talking to my other friends who happen to be single mothers and I was relieved to get some confirmation and validation. I realize I am not alone but it is still sad that so many women share the same stories. Even though I don't run around with a banner saying look at my pain, the stress and isolation that I feel is not uncommon. Last month my refrigerator went out for about 3 weeks. Even though I get some food assistance, I still had to buy most of my day to day food at fast food establishments. That literally ate into my bills because I had to feed my baby as well.

The lights cut on and off and now I am a pro in knowing how to feel my way to get the lighter to light the candles so we are not sitting in the dark. The gas bill has not been paid in forever and the fear of rapidly thawing food and the expectation of the gas being cut off is a mental anguish fest. I tried my best to fix the garbage disposal but that is on the fritz too, I need to get better at repairing things after all I have a little one to take care of. I did my part now the landlord needs to do his. But in a way I just don't feel like the fuss, I would just rather move all together.

So the job market sucks but I did get a letter back from one company...some form. I filled it out mailed it back and I will keep my fingers crossed. I have been doing some data entry at night and I should be getting a little money for my work at the end of the month. I am happy about that because a sista needs some underwear. As long as Jackson has underwear can wait. You will surprised what you can do when your money is funny and your priorities are in order. God is good because I was still able to help another single mother in need all while my junk is going on. I felt so good being able to help my friend.

There was a light bulb that went off for me when I came to some realizations. God is so awesome. Many women who suffer postpartum depression/depression need all the love and support they can get. A lot of the things I said and did prior to and after my pregnancy stemmed from fear, high levels of stress, depression and eventually postpartum depression. My friends and family stood by me then and now no matter how neurotic my behavior was. I went through bouts of not being able to control myself and actions and not even realize what had happened. I have my good friend Nicci to be my memory and make fun of me so I don't take it so hard. I remember feeling so worthless and feeling like I had hit rock bottom. I don't remember what triggered some of the panic attacks but I think mice dying on my stove, roaches crawling on you and your baby during sleep and being single played a part. I don't blame myself anymore I blame the stress of what I was going through. The hormones, fear, the postpartum thing is a son of a bee sting. God is good... things could have turned out worse.

So many woman suffer in silence and in some cases either kill themselves or there children. I was alone and overwhelmed. I never knew things could seem so overwhelming when your raising children. Shout out to all the mothers who work everyday,go to school, cook, clean, raise the babies by themselves. Even when your not single mothers still bare the brunt. I remember when I was 14, I was in GW for depression after a suicide attempt. I remember there was a part of the ward where the room was padded and there was a young lady in the room. She had pale porcelain skin and red hair, I remember whispers that she was suffering from postpartum. I had no idea what that was but I felt bad that she was in there all alone. I suppose back then the treatment was isolation but I always wonder what happened to that lady. I kept a journal and stayed in prayer, I also went and sought professional help, I knew that no matter what the love for my child had to prevail. I had to know I was not crazy, so I surrounded myself with positive reinforcement. My mother suffers from depression and I know I am predisposed to the condition due to heredity. I don't blame my mother because I know it is the illness and not her. I look past it all because she can't help it. It is frustrating at times but I do my best to let her know she has my full support and love.

So I am looking to move, my mother just gave me a good tip today so I will be looking into that asap. Giving my son and myself a fresh start feels promising. Raising my son in a healthy environment is very important to me. Right now I am doing my best to line up my ducks in a row so that our transition goes smoothly. I feel a bit more relieved because there is a job waiting for me, I just have to get Jackson situated. For the first time I am ready to break free, I am no longer afraid.


Valencia called me today, she offered me an apology of how she treated me. It was a shock but I accepted it. I knew she was sorry but she mentioned that the holidays played a part in her decision to call. People get a wave of kindness what comes over them around this time, I will be watching to see how long all the good cheer will last. I can always forgive when I know that the other party truly understands the damage they have causedand not just regurgetate what you have expressed to them. I have never gone out of my way to be mean to anyone nor have I said or done anything that would place anyone in distress so when people do that to me I remove myself completely from the situation. We all make mistakes but you don't have to stay in the cycle of hurt. I got some closure today with her call, she told me she loved me and guess what I told her I loved her too and I really meant it. She invited me to Christmas dinner and asked to be a part of my life again. She explained that I, we had lost so much time growing up due to my estranged relationship with my father. She really wants to meet Jackson, let's just say I will proceed with caution.


So my friend paid to get my phone reconnected...yes being unemployed and living on a small amount of support catches up eventually. I was able to pay that bill and buy my son 2 things for Christmas. He's blessed with health, a home, cloths, food and love and this Christmas is going to be wonderful. Last years holiday was a heartbreaking disaster but I will make up for it this year. My niece and nephew will be here and I am very excited to spend it with them. It's been 2 years since we had Christmas together so I really can't wait. Once the holidays are over Jackson and I will be looking for a new home. My bills are pretty caught up and my friend will be hosting us at there home as we check out some places. I am so blessed to have such wonderful angels in my life.

I ask God to create me anew, give me a clean heart. All I want to do is serve him and be the best possible person I can be. I let my emotions get the best of me and I have to remember that he is in control. I know that there are demons that need to be exercised out of my life, I am asking daily for the strength to hold my head up and I know now to let God fight my battles from now on.

My Interview with William Kellibrew

--- On Tue, 12/16/08, William Kellibrew, IV wrote:

> From: William Kellibrew, IV
> Subject: Interview Questions
> To: "Jacqueline Ellison"
> Date: Tuesday, December 16, 2008, 8:10 AM
> Kellibrew: Welcome Jacqueline to my blogspot. I really
> appreciate you taking the time out of your schedule to tell
> us your story of tragedy to triumph. Yours, like so many
> other stories, need to be heard. So many people out there
> lack the strength and determination to push forward through
> tough relationships and abusive situations. I like to have
> these conversations to show them that there is a way out.
> So, Thank you for sharing. Tell me, you have told me
> somewhat about your story and I was simply amazed that you
> are alive. You have been through a difficult time as
> a child. What happened that day with your mother
> getting hit with a hammer? I am sure that was difficult
> to see.
>
> Jacqueline:
I was 11 or 12 years old, I just remember having to commute during my 6th grade year. My mother's family told her to leave or he will kill you and your children. My mother pregnant with my youngest sister and we came back to his home to get the rest of our belongings. I didn't care where we were going just being out of that situation was all I cared about. I just did not want my mother to hurt anymore and so we leaving and living in a shelter was the next move for my family and I.
I think my stepfather could sense that this was it and I remember him being drunk as usual. He sent me downstairs for some water and before I could make it up the last set of stairs, I heard a loud thud. He was standing there laughing and my mother was lying on the floor bleeding from her head. Her eyes were closed,she was unresponsive at that point I had never felt so alone in the world. She lay there lifeless very pregnant as my middle sister sat on the steps, she had to be about 5 years old.
I remember my stepfather chuckling in the hallway telling me she's fine and I yelling at him calling him the devil and he killed my mother. He eventually picked up up from the pool of blood she has been lying in and gave her smelling salts. He was now in panic mode and was sweating and trying to revive her. She eventually came to but her face was unrecognizable.
>
> Kellibrew: It really breaks my heart that women and
> individuals overall have to go through the abuse that your
> mother suffered, and not to mention your own. Your
> childhood was a difficult one too. What happened to you as
> a child that scarred you for life?
>
> Jacqueline:
I remember not knowing who my father was and asking my stepfather if I could call him daddy. It was right after my dance performance and he and my mother attended, of course he was drunk. I just wanted to be normal or at least pretend to be, so once we got him I asked him if I could call him daddy. I remember my mother was downstairs and he called me closer to him. He said sure..."Let me show you what daddy's do". I stood there more paralyzed with shock then fear as he proceeded to put his hands down my panties. I was also molested by 2 uncles in my mother family.

I have been raped twice and have dated some men who have either used and abused me sexually. Not all of my relationships were bad, some great but because of my history, I became involved with men who were had there own issues be it sexual or just a lack of regard with interacting with there female counterparts. I know that most of my history has shaped where I have been in my life and where I am still going, good and bad...hopefully more good.

I have since forgive them all but the memory still lingers. My stepfather killed himself once he knew my mother was not coming back, I forgive him because I know he was suffering too. As for my uncle's I am sure God will have the final say, I just pray that they are able to recognize the error in there actions.
>
> Kellibrew: You could be so many places, doing so many
> negative things. What keeps you motivated to keep
> striving in life? Tell me, how do you do it?
>
> Jacqueline:

God, he is the reason I am here. I did have some pitfalls and even attempted suicide at 14 I was close and had to be revivied. I don't know how long I was unconciouse but I missed a big chunk of time, I figured it was better than my waking life. You can Imagin how mad I was once I realized I had not crossed over. I missed a year of school because I spent it in the phyc ward at George Washington University Hospital. I remember once I was released I told God I would make the best of the life I had been given. I have a young son now and he is even more reason to push everyday. I continue to give back by volunteering in areas where victims and survivors can benefit from my story.
>
> Kelli brew: You have a child, how old is he and what do
> you teach him since you have dealt with the trials and
> tribulations of turbulent relationships? What does he
> learn from you?
>
> Jacqueline:

My son is only 15 months old and even though he is a baby there is always room for correction. Between he and my nephew I do my best to let them know how to interact with the opposite sex. Even though my son is young he sometimes plays rough with little girls. He already knows the word "gentle and nice" when I correct him as he plays with any little girl.
Service, compassion, faith,respect,love among a host of other things will be reinforced daily in my household. I think for young children boys and girls alike need to have a safe enviorment and constant unconditional love reinforced daily. Abuse comes in so many forms and being aware and educated defiantly helps break the cycle.
>
> Kellibrew: I know this is difficult to talk about, but I
> wanted to acknowledge your role in the late Tiffany
> Gates' life, my God-sister and friend. She was one of
> your best confidantes. I remember you being devastated to
> hear the news. Watching you react to her death made it
> real that day for me. I was literally in shock. I could
> not believe it. I said, "Not our Tiffany!" You
> had to recently do her make-up and basically reconstruct her
> face because of the damage done by her killer. First tell
> us, how did you get yourself to do the make-up? It was
> probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do.
> Also, how has it been dealing with your best friend's
> death?

I loved her so much and for so long,18 years and still to this day. I had knots in my stomach when I knew I had to do her makeup. As friends we had all made our funeral requests in advance and so being her friend I had to honor the part I knew I had. That is what you do for the people you love, It was my last chance to talk to her, be with her...to take care of her and pamper her one last time. I am not going to lie she looked like she had really struggled and just having to see her that close in the condition she was in broke my heart. There was no going back, she was gone and I really miss her everyday. I tell her I am sorry for what happened to her, I am sorry I did not get a chance to hug and kiss her before I left that Wednesday. I have had some trouble sleeping a couple of nightmares but I continue to ask God to keep me. I worry a little more about one of my best friend who is actually your sister. I worry that she may leave me early too and I ask God to watch over my loved ones constantly. I find that because of my issues with death, it plays a big part in my day to day live.
>
> Jacqueline:
>
> Kellibrew: What's next? In terms of coping with
> Tiffany's death and having gone through so much
> yourself, what are your next steps in life? What's
> your passion and what are you doing to fulfill your passion?

My passion has always been the arts, it has always been my release from the craziness of this world. I plan to continue my efforts to raise awareness for victims and survivors. There is still a song in my heart so eventually returning to the stage is in my future. "Never Forget" I am adopting that for my own personal motto. Never forget Tiffany, myself, friends, family, the struggle, the success. I feel if you never forget you have no excuse but to press on.

Hilarity

I think this commercial is pure comedy... you all know why.