Random Scribes from the Gut

So there are something I have been moving through. My girlfriend of 18+ years was brutally stabbed to death a month ago yesterday. The hurt comes in waves like all the other stresses. I was talking to my other friends who happen to be single mothers and I was relieved to get some confirmation and validation. I realize I am not alone but it is still sad that so many women share the same stories. Even though I don't run around with a banner saying look at my pain, the stress and isolation that I feel is not uncommon. Last month my refrigerator went out for about 3 weeks. Even though I get some food assistance, I still had to buy most of my day to day food at fast food establishments. That literally ate into my bills because I had to feed my baby as well.

The lights cut on and off and now I am a pro in knowing how to feel my way to get the lighter to light the candles so we are not sitting in the dark. The gas bill has not been paid in forever and the fear of rapidly thawing food and the expectation of the gas being cut off is a mental anguish fest. I tried my best to fix the garbage disposal but that is on the fritz too, I need to get better at repairing things after all I have a little one to take care of. I did my part now the landlord needs to do his. But in a way I just don't feel like the fuss, I would just rather move all together.

So the job market sucks but I did get a letter back from one company...some form. I filled it out mailed it back and I will keep my fingers crossed. I have been doing some data entry at night and I should be getting a little money for my work at the end of the month. I am happy about that because a sista needs some underwear. As long as Jackson has underwear can wait. You will surprised what you can do when your money is funny and your priorities are in order. God is good because I was still able to help another single mother in need all while my junk is going on. I felt so good being able to help my friend.

There was a light bulb that went off for me when I came to some realizations. God is so awesome. Many women who suffer postpartum depression/depression need all the love and support they can get. A lot of the things I said and did prior to and after my pregnancy stemmed from fear, high levels of stress, depression and eventually postpartum depression. My friends and family stood by me then and now no matter how neurotic my behavior was. I went through bouts of not being able to control myself and actions and not even realize what had happened. I have my good friend Nicci to be my memory and make fun of me so I don't take it so hard. I remember feeling so worthless and feeling like I had hit rock bottom. I don't remember what triggered some of the panic attacks but I think mice dying on my stove, roaches crawling on you and your baby during sleep and being single played a part. I don't blame myself anymore I blame the stress of what I was going through. The hormones, fear, the postpartum thing is a son of a bee sting. God is good... things could have turned out worse.

So many woman suffer in silence and in some cases either kill themselves or there children. I was alone and overwhelmed. I never knew things could seem so overwhelming when your raising children. Shout out to all the mothers who work everyday,go to school, cook, clean, raise the babies by themselves. Even when your not single mothers still bare the brunt. I remember when I was 14, I was in GW for depression after a suicide attempt. I remember there was a part of the ward where the room was padded and there was a young lady in the room. She had pale porcelain skin and red hair, I remember whispers that she was suffering from postpartum. I had no idea what that was but I felt bad that she was in there all alone. I suppose back then the treatment was isolation but I always wonder what happened to that lady. I kept a journal and stayed in prayer, I also went and sought professional help, I knew that no matter what the love for my child had to prevail. I had to know I was not crazy, so I surrounded myself with positive reinforcement. My mother suffers from depression and I know I am predisposed to the condition due to heredity. I don't blame my mother because I know it is the illness and not her. I look past it all because she can't help it. It is frustrating at times but I do my best to let her know she has my full support and love.

So I am looking to move, my mother just gave me a good tip today so I will be looking into that asap. Giving my son and myself a fresh start feels promising. Raising my son in a healthy environment is very important to me. Right now I am doing my best to line up my ducks in a row so that our transition goes smoothly. I feel a bit more relieved because there is a job waiting for me, I just have to get Jackson situated. For the first time I am ready to break free, I am no longer afraid.


Valencia called me today, she offered me an apology of how she treated me. It was a shock but I accepted it. I knew she was sorry but she mentioned that the holidays played a part in her decision to call. People get a wave of kindness what comes over them around this time, I will be watching to see how long all the good cheer will last. I can always forgive when I know that the other party truly understands the damage they have causedand not just regurgetate what you have expressed to them. I have never gone out of my way to be mean to anyone nor have I said or done anything that would place anyone in distress so when people do that to me I remove myself completely from the situation. We all make mistakes but you don't have to stay in the cycle of hurt. I got some closure today with her call, she told me she loved me and guess what I told her I loved her too and I really meant it. She invited me to Christmas dinner and asked to be a part of my life again. She explained that I, we had lost so much time growing up due to my estranged relationship with my father. She really wants to meet Jackson, let's just say I will proceed with caution.


So my friend paid to get my phone reconnected...yes being unemployed and living on a small amount of support catches up eventually. I was able to pay that bill and buy my son 2 things for Christmas. He's blessed with health, a home, cloths, food and love and this Christmas is going to be wonderful. Last years holiday was a heartbreaking disaster but I will make up for it this year. My niece and nephew will be here and I am very excited to spend it with them. It's been 2 years since we had Christmas together so I really can't wait. Once the holidays are over Jackson and I will be looking for a new home. My bills are pretty caught up and my friend will be hosting us at there home as we check out some places. I am so blessed to have such wonderful angels in my life.

I ask God to create me anew, give me a clean heart. All I want to do is serve him and be the best possible person I can be. I let my emotions get the best of me and I have to remember that he is in control. I know that there are demons that need to be exercised out of my life, I am asking daily for the strength to hold my head up and I know now to let God fight my battles from now on.