Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Falling Down
So when I was about 2 months pregnant with Jackson I slipped and feel on some ice the day before my birthday. Jamar feel too trying to help me and it hurt so bad the next couple of days afterward. Well I fell today the day before my birthday with my 17 month old Jackson in my hand. I was leaving Nicci's house with Jackson in one arm and bags in the other. I did not notice the ice and water on her outside stairs and went tumbling down. I took a hot bath but I am still in pain. I hope I feel better soon.
Some Evening Sexy
I don't care what they say, I love Kanyeezy and all his sexy spoiled brat swag. He is so dang fine
Another Pathetic Display of Haterism
The NY Post is getting waaaay out of pocket now:
The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding that The New York Post, which has come under fire in the past for racially tinged cartoons, explain what it meant in its latest controversial offering.
Played prominently on today’s editorial pages, the cartoon depicts two police officers – one with his smoking gun drawn – standing over what appears to be a dead chimpanzee in a pool of blood. One officer says to the other: “Now they’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.”
Is begs the question: Are they referring to the dead chimp as the president of the United States?
Without jumping to conclusions I tried to determine what the $787 billion stimulus package signed into law yesterday and the police shooting of a raging mad chimpanzee have in common.
The Rev. Al Sharpton appears to be a bit puzzled as well. “Being that the stimulus bill has been the first legislative victory of President Barack Obama (the first African American president) and has become synonymous with him it is not a reach to wonder whether the Post cartoonist was inferring that a monkey wrote it?”
The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding that The New York Post, which has come under fire in the past for racially tinged cartoons, explain what it meant in its latest controversial offering.
“On its face, it appears that the Post is not only calling Obama an ape, but a dead ape. “The cartoon in today’s New York Post is troubling at best, given the racist attacks throughout history that have made African-Americans synonymous with monkeys,” Sharpton writes on his National Action Network Web site. “One has to question whether the cartoonist is making a less than casual inference to this form of racism when, in the cartoon, the police say after shooting a chimpanzee, ‘now they will have to find someone else to write the stimulus bill, Sharpton writes.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Weak Willed
Lord I have been ready to work for some time now. Please send me something soon, what I thought I was promised feel through. I am trying to keep my head up, I have not and will not cry about it, that time is over. Please restore my health, give me a hug. I know that you love me and I am feeling a little under the weather, physically, emotionally. This week has been a struggle. I feel like just saying forget all the prayers and hard work and doing whatever I want.
God help my I feel like my salvation is on the line. I keep thinking about sex, thinking of what it would feel like again. I feel bad for fooling around the other day. I was so self conscience of my midsection that I would not allow his hands to roam free. Even though we were just kissing and touching, he did not know me. He does not know my heart and I do not know his. I miss being held at night. I am lonely, not alone but lonely. Sometimes the weight of everything is on my shoulders and I miss someone there to just say " I love you and everything is going to be ok". I miss being reached for in the middle of the night. I miss curling up and holding someone, laughing in the morning. I just wonder when the release is going to come. I need God to hide me, I am feeling so weak and fragile. I have faith that God will refresh and restore, I am holding on, please save me.
God help my I feel like my salvation is on the line. I keep thinking about sex, thinking of what it would feel like again. I feel bad for fooling around the other day. I was so self conscience of my midsection that I would not allow his hands to roam free. Even though we were just kissing and touching, he did not know me. He does not know my heart and I do not know his. I miss being held at night. I am lonely, not alone but lonely. Sometimes the weight of everything is on my shoulders and I miss someone there to just say " I love you and everything is going to be ok". I miss being reached for in the middle of the night. I miss curling up and holding someone, laughing in the morning. I just wonder when the release is going to come. I need God to hide me, I am feeling so weak and fragile. I have faith that God will refresh and restore, I am holding on, please save me.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
25 Random things About Me
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right-hand corner of the page), then click Publish.)
1. I really tried to avoid doing this.
2. I lived in a battered woman's shelter with my mother my 6th grade school year, commuted back and forth and never told any of my schoolmates.
3. I would prefer to watch and have a deep love for "Period Movies" like Elizabeth and The Libertine. I also would rather listen to 80's music, especially light rock and my favorite song from that era is "Everything She Wants" by Wham the extended version. Plus I still have a crush on Andrew Ridgeley from the that group.(Hey is that like 3 or 4 extra things,whateva lol)
4. Gained and still maintain a crush on President Jimmy Carter after attending the debate between he and successor President Reagan in there 1980 Capital Hill debate. I think it was his quiet speech and kind eyes that got me.
5. I have a hard time forgiving people especially when that have done me wrong, hurt my feelings, or have talked to me crazy. I would sooner completely cut them out of my life and never be bothered with them again. Often times they never know I am upset with them and will still hold full conversations with them( strange right?) I know I have to forgive so that God will forgive me so I am working on that...don't rush me,lol.
6. I wish I did not miss Tiffany so much and wishes I could have rescued her and all the little girls/women that have been used,abused and tossed aside. I am still rescuing my inner little girl and often wonder how I would be differently if my dad stuck around.
7.I have major stage fright and anxiety when preparing for any performance. Even at this stage in the game I am not as confident as I appear.
8.Absolutely terrified of raccoons and possums and can't bare to see any of them in person or on TV. I will freak out, but have a strange attraction to snake but will never want to get face to face with one...there still sexy though.
9. Most of my friends consider me the " Most Adventurous". They usually wait for me to do something out of the norm before they do it, I guess I am the volunteer guinea pig. I guess they would also consider me a " Connector" Ask Jackie she knows,lol.
10. Never done anything for Valentine's Day (EVER)
11. Trained professionally and performed Ballet and Modern Dance up until the age of 15.
12. It's 7:02 am and as you can see I am up, I have yet to go to sleep. I have suffered with a sleep disorder since I was a little girl.
13.I have been celibate for going on 2 years on February 16th 2009, thank you God for your promises. Being obedient to God's word is very important to me.
14. I love make up and wish I had more of it, especially M.A.C. I also love to beat my face, your face and your friends face and hit the town. Hey did that sound violent?
16. As far as my extended family I am only really close to my Mommy, Uncle Horace, Cousin George and Cousin Addie. I hope to be closer to my sister Neptune one day and Brittany, well you all know Brit, she's the baby a handful but I love her still. My girlfriends Manyka, Keeva, Kiana, Lattefah, Alyce, Anita are like my sisters, we hold each other up and together. Sounds like a good bra don't it,lol. Oh and I found out I have 2 sisters on my father's side that he never mentioned, I hope to meet them one day.
17.Always wanted to move to New York and become a world renowned Singer and Actress, but was always to scared to leave my mother.
18. I hope my friends know that I love them and would give them the world If I could. I sometimes get so busy and distracted that I don't always connect with them on a regular basis. Please forgive me.
20. I am able to understand and count my blessing one by one.
21. I still love my son's father very much and healing from the fact that we did not work out. Ahhh such is life, we have a beautiful son from our union and I am so grateful. I was told my chances of having children were slim to none and look what God did. I still believe in love and marriage and if God allows it, it will happen again. I am optimistic and open to old and new love and more children." Good Morning" by India Arie
22.I think I have a very mild form of OCD but I tend to ritualize in my mind for fear that others will catch on. Either it's that or I am extremely anal. I also obsess about death and wish my mother would out live me so I won't have to miss her.
23. I consider myself a romantic but struggle with affection. I often want to hug and kiss the people I love but hold back from fear of being rejected. I hate being rejected... I think we all do.
24. I would love lose 100 lbs, have a sick six pack and run around in a skimpy bikini every summer.
25. I am a ordained minister with the Universal Life Church, who wants to get married?
(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right-hand corner of the page), then click Publish.)
1. I really tried to avoid doing this.
2. I lived in a battered woman's shelter with my mother my 6th grade school year, commuted back and forth and never told any of my schoolmates.
3. I would prefer to watch and have a deep love for "Period Movies" like Elizabeth and The Libertine. I also would rather listen to 80's music, especially light rock and my favorite song from that era is "Everything She Wants" by Wham the extended version. Plus I still have a crush on Andrew Ridgeley from the that group.(Hey is that like 3 or 4 extra things,whateva lol)
4. Gained and still maintain a crush on President Jimmy Carter after attending the debate between he and successor President Reagan in there 1980 Capital Hill debate. I think it was his quiet speech and kind eyes that got me.
5. I have a hard time forgiving people especially when that have done me wrong, hurt my feelings, or have talked to me crazy. I would sooner completely cut them out of my life and never be bothered with them again. Often times they never know I am upset with them and will still hold full conversations with them( strange right?) I know I have to forgive so that God will forgive me so I am working on that...don't rush me,lol.
6. I wish I did not miss Tiffany so much and wishes I could have rescued her and all the little girls/women that have been used,abused and tossed aside. I am still rescuing my inner little girl and often wonder how I would be differently if my dad stuck around.
7.I have major stage fright and anxiety when preparing for any performance. Even at this stage in the game I am not as confident as I appear.
8.Absolutely terrified of raccoons and possums and can't bare to see any of them in person or on TV. I will freak out, but have a strange attraction to snake but will never want to get face to face with one...there still sexy though.
9. Most of my friends consider me the " Most Adventurous". They usually wait for me to do something out of the norm before they do it, I guess I am the volunteer guinea pig. I guess they would also consider me a " Connector" Ask Jackie she knows,lol.
10. Never done anything for Valentine's Day (EVER)
11. Trained professionally and performed Ballet and Modern Dance up until the age of 15.
12. It's 7:02 am and as you can see I am up, I have yet to go to sleep. I have suffered with a sleep disorder since I was a little girl.
13.I have been celibate for going on 2 years on February 16th 2009, thank you God for your promises. Being obedient to God's word is very important to me.
14. I love make up and wish I had more of it, especially M.A.C. I also love to beat my face, your face and your friends face and hit the town. Hey did that sound violent?
16. As far as my extended family I am only really close to my Mommy, Uncle Horace, Cousin George and Cousin Addie. I hope to be closer to my sister Neptune one day and Brittany, well you all know Brit, she's the baby a handful but I love her still. My girlfriends Manyka, Keeva, Kiana, Lattefah, Alyce, Anita are like my sisters, we hold each other up and together. Sounds like a good bra don't it,lol. Oh and I found out I have 2 sisters on my father's side that he never mentioned, I hope to meet them one day.
17.Always wanted to move to New York and become a world renowned Singer and Actress, but was always to scared to leave my mother.
18. I hope my friends know that I love them and would give them the world If I could. I sometimes get so busy and distracted that I don't always connect with them on a regular basis. Please forgive me.
20. I am able to understand and count my blessing one by one.
21. I still love my son's father very much and healing from the fact that we did not work out. Ahhh such is life, we have a beautiful son from our union and I am so grateful. I was told my chances of having children were slim to none and look what God did. I still believe in love and marriage and if God allows it, it will happen again. I am optimistic and open to old and new love and more children." Good Morning" by India Arie
22.I think I have a very mild form of OCD but I tend to ritualize in my mind for fear that others will catch on. Either it's that or I am extremely anal. I also obsess about death and wish my mother would out live me so I won't have to miss her.
23. I consider myself a romantic but struggle with affection. I often want to hug and kiss the people I love but hold back from fear of being rejected. I hate being rejected... I think we all do.
24. I would love lose 100 lbs, have a sick six pack and run around in a skimpy bikini every summer.
25. I am a ordained minister with the Universal Life Church, who wants to get married?
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Flakin Out
Just when I think I am ready to jump into something romantic I get cold feet. I have already had my heart stomped on,kicked around and spat on, I don't know if I am ready to do that again. I think about Everette and the friendship that we have and I worry that if I dive in there is a chance it will be ruined. I never fell in love with him, but I recognize that he really cherishes who I am and has genuine love for me and my son. I love him for loving me flaws and all.
I wonder if moving away is the best move, I guess it's the exhaustion talking. I think about the pros of entering into a relationship for myself and Jackson. The thought of having someone who wants to be a father to Jackson and a mate/husband for me make me nervous and happy all at the same time. I know a healthy family unit would be nothing but good for both of us. BUT...is Everette the man I want to be with? I really don't know and I would like to be sure. I have been sure only once in my life but it did not work out. I knew I was sure because even though I have loved, I never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I think there are so many qualities that I love about him but I want complete chemistry.
When I was sure before there was nothing I would not do. I was in it 100% and now I just don't think so. Now that I am attempting to date again, I find I would rather be alone most times. With the No Go on Sex most guys don't stick around. It's funny because the excitement of hanging out with someone new is a high. It's just easier to be alone because I am not willing to break my promise to God. I fooled around the other night and it was ok BUT. All I could think about was the unfamiliarity of it and never could get lost in the feeling. I guess I am caught in the "Last Man" cycle and it so sucks. For me the last man I was with was my son's father and he know me in a biblical way. I was receptive to his touch because I considered myself his. Dating, fooling around can be exciting,unfamiliar and sometimes nerve racking. I guess If I ever meet a man who I know is in it to win my heart, I can allow my body to go with the flow, but my faith is always saying....this is wrong.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't plan on "givin it up", but I have to relearn what it is to be intimate without memories of the "Last Man".. Am I being flaky or just really really picky?
I wonder if moving away is the best move, I guess it's the exhaustion talking. I think about the pros of entering into a relationship for myself and Jackson. The thought of having someone who wants to be a father to Jackson and a mate/husband for me make me nervous and happy all at the same time. I know a healthy family unit would be nothing but good for both of us. BUT...is Everette the man I want to be with? I really don't know and I would like to be sure. I have been sure only once in my life but it did not work out. I knew I was sure because even though I have loved, I never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I think there are so many qualities that I love about him but I want complete chemistry.
When I was sure before there was nothing I would not do. I was in it 100% and now I just don't think so. Now that I am attempting to date again, I find I would rather be alone most times. With the No Go on Sex most guys don't stick around. It's funny because the excitement of hanging out with someone new is a high. It's just easier to be alone because I am not willing to break my promise to God. I fooled around the other night and it was ok BUT. All I could think about was the unfamiliarity of it and never could get lost in the feeling. I guess I am caught in the "Last Man" cycle and it so sucks. For me the last man I was with was my son's father and he know me in a biblical way. I was receptive to his touch because I considered myself his. Dating, fooling around can be exciting,unfamiliar and sometimes nerve racking. I guess If I ever meet a man who I know is in it to win my heart, I can allow my body to go with the flow, but my faith is always saying....this is wrong.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't plan on "givin it up", but I have to relearn what it is to be intimate without memories of the "Last Man".. Am I being flaky or just really really picky?
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Expressions
Music is so very important to me. I think when all is crazy in the world/my world a songs can sum up exactly what I am feeling. I have only had one person tell me I talk too much but really I struggle with adequately expressing myself. Most times when I am hurt, brokenhearted,feeling high off of God's word,brand new and refreshed I play my favorite songs. I think of songs to help me say what's on my heart. I am struggling to gain my confidence back in expressing myself. Having to edit yourself to suite someone else can be debilitating to the soul especially when all you want is to express your love,pain and joy. When someone is baring there soul,you should be honored. So many times I think of past performances and I bared my soul, naked to allow people in.
When I think of the loss of a loved one either in death or life there is always a song there that helps me with the grief. I don't have a lot of love songs by men that I like so when I find one I store it in my mental rolodex. I imagine that some guy whoever ( usually in my daydreams my love interest face is blurred so I never know what he looks like) either sings the song to me or dedicates it to me. Ahhh I love a good love song, not always the please take me back, baby I messed up ones. I love when he just states the love he feels. So I am excited about my new playlist on the right. I think a song I love pops into my head everyday. Each one is personal and you can ask me what each one means to me. I have a direct attachment to each because of something that has taken place to me personally.
Once upon a time I used to write my own music and poetry. Somewhere along the line it stopped. I can't force it and if I am inspired to write something down I will. I miss being in that creative space but my life has changed so much in the past 2 years that the things that were my focus have been put on the back burner. My priorities have changed and being an artist is now my former life. I used to dream of being super mom, wife, singer, songwriter, humanitarian, actress, director. Funny how choices change EVERYTHING. At least I have a ton of songs to help me dream even if it is only a dream.
If I ever win the lottery, I would build a music/dance studio in my home. I can dance whenever I want to the music flowing in that room. My days as a dancer/ballerina are behind me but I respect movement and a great song. I am always in the things that God has created and music is one of them. The pull I have to music is so intense and often times unavoidable. Everyone has something that they love and music is a love of mine.
Enjoy
When I think of the loss of a loved one either in death or life there is always a song there that helps me with the grief. I don't have a lot of love songs by men that I like so when I find one I store it in my mental rolodex. I imagine that some guy whoever ( usually in my daydreams my love interest face is blurred so I never know what he looks like) either sings the song to me or dedicates it to me. Ahhh I love a good love song, not always the please take me back, baby I messed up ones. I love when he just states the love he feels. So I am excited about my new playlist on the right. I think a song I love pops into my head everyday. Each one is personal and you can ask me what each one means to me. I have a direct attachment to each because of something that has taken place to me personally.
Once upon a time I used to write my own music and poetry. Somewhere along the line it stopped. I can't force it and if I am inspired to write something down I will. I miss being in that creative space but my life has changed so much in the past 2 years that the things that were my focus have been put on the back burner. My priorities have changed and being an artist is now my former life. I used to dream of being super mom, wife, singer, songwriter, humanitarian, actress, director. Funny how choices change EVERYTHING. At least I have a ton of songs to help me dream even if it is only a dream.
If I ever win the lottery, I would build a music/dance studio in my home. I can dance whenever I want to the music flowing in that room. My days as a dancer/ballerina are behind me but I respect movement and a great song. I am always in the things that God has created and music is one of them. The pull I have to music is so intense and often times unavoidable. Everyone has something that they love and music is a love of mine.
Enjoy
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