So I have been volunteering for several years now in some way shape or form. This was my first time for the DCRCC. I was not in the best of spirits but I was glad that I pulled myself together to make it out the house that day. I had to put my feeling aside and go out and spread some knowledge. I enjoyed talking with the people who stopped by our table and I really got a kick out of the kids.
It's interesting to think back to when I first meet him, it felt so good to be with him. I felt a beautiful energy between us. I remember he told me a couple months in that he thought he "found the person for him" I was like oh wow, I was pleasantly surprised. Funny that's not the case anymore I know everyone has the freedom to change there mind and he did exactly that. I was the one that never changed my position, I was still that woman who wanted to explore our possibilities and grow together. I never changed my mind about him even through his shadiness and indecisiveness.
A couple of weeks ago when I thought I had reached my limit, I asked him to stop calling. If we were done let it be done and he still called trying to get a hold of me. If you moved on and I told I understood you did not and would not give me the things we needed, why not just leave me be. Talk about mixed signals, I really believed he wanted more because of the things he said and did... only for him to say his persistent calling was just to make sure I was ok....HUH??? I was, what else would I be? I would have cried eventually and missed the hell out of him, but I was making a stand to cut things off and go my way, why call even after I told you not to.(I love him more than he knows)
I look back now to the first time we meet and our first kiss that night and I told him that I knew, I knew right there and then. I told him, I saw his son in his eye as we kissed on the streets of DC. Now there is nothing left about us, just the words on this blog. I guess I could compare it to when you pluck the petals off a flower, you pluck till there is nothing left but you remember how pretty it used to be.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
A weekend just for us at Canaan Valley
There was such a great peace in the air when I stepped out my hotel door and saw this view, I thought it was so beautiful I had to take a picture of it.
We were so excited for the days events we could hardly contain ourselves, here we are happy and on our way to breakfast...which I might add was off the chain.
So here is my best friend signing her life away.
Here she is getting her Laura Croft on. We did the Wall Climb which was not easy at all for me at least and the Euro Bungee which I might add was fun. 
Ok so I was a little scary and I know now that I am afraid of heights,but I won't let that stop me from having the experience. Ok I was scared out my mind on the bungee and I cried a little on the chairlift. Thank God Keeva was there to hold my hand and talk to me, it took the focus off how high up we were.
The views were absolutly breathtaking,and I was like a kid in a candy store. Don't let the lipgloss and Mabellen fool you I am an outdoors girl all the way. To me this would be my on my list of top 10 date get-a-ways. I stood as much as I could and as close as I could to the edge of this ledge. The view down from it made me nauseous but it was still a site to see.
214 stairs down and 214 back, there is a first time for everything and this was my very first waterfall at Blackwater Falls. I could not believe how amazing this was I almost cried at the site of it. I had my friend take a picture of me and it looks just like a postcard. I didn't even seem like I was standing in front of this beautiful expression of nature.
After all the days activities we had dinner an headed for the sauna to rest our wery bones.
At this point every bone in my body hurt and we still had to horseback ride the next day. On our way to the pool area about 12-14 deer gather outside the hotel doors. It was so nice to see them so up close and personal but on this night I actually got to feed one. Another guest has some peanuts and gave me a couple, I held out my hand and they came right up ate them.
I would like to give a special shoot out to Shammie,Midnight, Spot and Ledgend our Horses who took such good care of us.
I was so exciting to come and so sad at the same time. We had to come home to the daily grind. You can tell life is very simple in WV. The closest movie theater was 35 miles away. There was not a McDonald's, bill collector, noisy neighbor or anything that could stress us in site. We were 3295 feet up on this mountain and I will admit, it felt good to just be in the moment.
Here is the last picture we took the brakes were starting to smoke from coming down the mountain so we had to stop and give them a rest.
I could not resist I had to take this picture, just because I like plays on words. I know it's raunchy but it was funny to me.
I can't wait to go back, next time I hope you can join me.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
This Just In...
Slave:
Pronunciation: 'slAv
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English sclave, from Anglo-French or Medieval Latin; Anglo-French esclave, from Medieval Latin sclavus, from Sclavus Slavic; from the frequent enslavement of Slavs in central Europe during the early Middle Ages
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
2 : one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence
Now many of you may think I am giving you a moment in black history but that is not the case today. There are so many times in life where we feel trapped and can't find the light at the end of the dark tunnel. We become so lost and immersed in a reprobate state of living that the probability of making it out seems nil.
Reprobate:
1 : to condemn strongly as unworthy, unacceptable, or evil
2 : to foreordain to damnation
3 : to refuse to accept
The devil will back you up in a corner and trick you into believing that you are unworthy. We humans can be a bit slow on the uptake and not realize the power of mind control. When your mind is under arrest your body will follow and the whole objective is to kill you. It may not mean you will be taken from this earth and It may not come quick...But it will happen in one form or another.
Crucify
1 : to put to death by nailing or binding the wrists or hands and feet to a cross
2 : to destroy the power of : MORTIFY
3 a : to treat cruelly
Have you ever torn yourself up, down and sideways about certain things? Do you place the bar so high for yourself that when you don't reach them it seems like the end of the world? Are you the host of all host when it come to throwing pity parties? Everyone is invited but they don't really wants to come...They may not say it but they are thinking it.
I have breaking news just in folks!!!! We are not perfect and if we were what would we need God for? I think sometimes we forget that it was Jesus that was nailed to the cross and that he died for our sins so that we could have a better shot at this thing called life. Did you know the moment your repent in your heart it's forgiven and thought of no more...Even if we do it over and over again. God knows your heart and he sees and feels everything. If he can forgive you, then you can forgive you. That's Love.
Set Backs: Genesis 37,39,40,50...read about Joseph and what God did for him.
As I write He moves me to keep on striving. I just want to be drawn near to him and find favor in his sight.
This may not be for everyone because everyone does not believe BUT.
If anything I wrote helps then by all means be my guest. I wrote this for someone I care very much about, I love him reguardless and want nothing but the best. We all have a past and we all have vices but God still loves us and so do I.
Pronunciation: 'slAv
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English sclave, from Anglo-French or Medieval Latin; Anglo-French esclave, from Medieval Latin sclavus, from Sclavus Slavic; from the frequent enslavement of Slavs in central Europe during the early Middle Ages
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
2 : one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence
Now many of you may think I am giving you a moment in black history but that is not the case today. There are so many times in life where we feel trapped and can't find the light at the end of the dark tunnel. We become so lost and immersed in a reprobate state of living that the probability of making it out seems nil.
Reprobate:
1 : to condemn strongly as unworthy, unacceptable, or evil
2 : to foreordain to damnation
3 : to refuse to accept
The devil will back you up in a corner and trick you into believing that you are unworthy. We humans can be a bit slow on the uptake and not realize the power of mind control. When your mind is under arrest your body will follow and the whole objective is to kill you. It may not mean you will be taken from this earth and It may not come quick...But it will happen in one form or another.
Crucify
1 : to put to death by nailing or binding the wrists or hands and feet to a cross
2 : to destroy the power of : MORTIFY
3 a : to treat cruelly
Have you ever torn yourself up, down and sideways about certain things? Do you place the bar so high for yourself that when you don't reach them it seems like the end of the world? Are you the host of all host when it come to throwing pity parties? Everyone is invited but they don't really wants to come...They may not say it but they are thinking it.
I have breaking news just in folks!!!! We are not perfect and if we were what would we need God for? I think sometimes we forget that it was Jesus that was nailed to the cross and that he died for our sins so that we could have a better shot at this thing called life. Did you know the moment your repent in your heart it's forgiven and thought of no more...Even if we do it over and over again. God knows your heart and he sees and feels everything. If he can forgive you, then you can forgive you. That's Love.
Set Backs: Genesis 37,39,40,50...read about Joseph and what God did for him.
As I write He moves me to keep on striving. I just want to be drawn near to him and find favor in his sight.
This may not be for everyone because everyone does not believe BUT.
If anything I wrote helps then by all means be my guest. I wrote this for someone I care very much about, I love him reguardless and want nothing but the best. We all have a past and we all have vices but God still loves us and so do I.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Knowing when...
I have learned when to bow out gracefully. I just realized my time was up with him and that even though it's painful, it had to be done. He called and called and called and I avoided. Every time the phone rang my tummy would knot into little balls of hurt, frustration, passion, anger and love. I could not find the words anymore. I know that they are there I guess I am tired of the whole up and down. One day was good and the next I am guessing.
My childhood friend saw us together and said "Wow you two are really a beautiful couple, I can see the love between you two" My heart could have just broken in two right there. I just said thanks he's a sweet guy and moved the conversation in another direction. I will admit in my mind I was saying..."Too bad we are over".
I look back now and laugh because he was the one wondering if and when he would be replaced. He really believed that I move in a direction away from us, but when it was all said and done he was the one that left long before I did, I just verbally ended it. I know I am not the end all of all women and I hope that whoever he ends up with loves him and cares for him just as much as I did.
Even though his actions hurt,I still love him and wish him well. I know that I am not in control of any situation and that God is the only one who has the last say. My friends are more hurt than I am and are offering all their wonderful support and advice. I guess they really wanted this one to go "All the Way". I continue to tell them that It just was not in the cards this time but I have not given up on love.
He used to tell me to continue to pray and believe in the things that God has shown me, that's all fine and well but what good is it when you’re the only one praying? I know it states that when 2 or more touch and agree God will surely move. If we are not on the same page where does that leave us? Where else is there to go from here? Is there anything more to say? What more could possibly be said? They like all the comforts that a relationship brings, yet don't want to put in the work. I can't allow myself to be taken for a ride. The average women wants the kids and the hubby, the home and a dog. There is the percentage of women who could care less and more power to them. But the average woman waits for that day. I am thankful to God that I am not so tarnished by failed relations to know that something wonderful will happen one day.
This brings me to my last comment on this blog. I am human and it still effects me in a very emotional way.
I know that he's actions took a shot at my confidence and had me second guessing myself. Note it was not him, but his actions. I knew I did not want to act like a jealous 15yr old and the thought of all that was spinning in my head and heart was causing me to stress out. The thought of what he was doing and where he was and who he could be with was just too much. I had to make a clean break because what I was doing was so mentally unhealthy. The booty call he got at 1:30 in the morning, as I lie right there beside him and my heart was sinking as it rang out into the night. He never budged to acknowledge it or whoever it was that was on the other line that I was there and it was inappropriate...Or was it?
I guess it wasn't...that is why I had to bow out gracefully with some of my dignity in tact.
To be continued...
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
DCRCC and Me
Ok so I finished my training to become a counselor. I must say It turned out to be more like a therapy and healing process for myself and many others. I know that God laid it on my heart to be there for others in there time of need and I guess this is my way of paying it forward. I remember in my times of need the countless people who were there for me as well as others in the same situation. I remember when I felt very alone, confused and scared and not knowing what resources I had. The thing that gets me the most about this training is that all the women there were incredible in there own way. There was no cat fights or dirty looks, we knew training was a place of safe space. You were free to vent, cry and ask plenty of questions.
Sexual violence is not a welcome act and I really wish more men and young men could go through this training. I know It would provide them with tools on how to deal with these situations that target mainly women and children but don't exclude them either. Men can be and are targeted but a larger percent are women and children. I was very happy to sit for a session with the representatives of "Men Can Stop Rape". I really believe that this organization is a wonderful place for men to learn about sexual violence.
I can say I made some pretty amazing friends @ DCRCC and I know that my calling is to be of some assistance for the littlest survivors. I pray that God give me the strength and guidance to get through my term of service and that I will be able to pass on some of the love and compassion I received when I was going through.
Please feel free to visit the websites to learn more.
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://www.dcrcc.org/home.htm
Sexual violence is not a welcome act and I really wish more men and young men could go through this training. I know It would provide them with tools on how to deal with these situations that target mainly women and children but don't exclude them either. Men can be and are targeted but a larger percent are women and children. I was very happy to sit for a session with the representatives of "Men Can Stop Rape". I really believe that this organization is a wonderful place for men to learn about sexual violence.
I can say I made some pretty amazing friends @ DCRCC and I know that my calling is to be of some assistance for the littlest survivors. I pray that God give me the strength and guidance to get through my term of service and that I will be able to pass on some of the love and compassion I received when I was going through.
Please feel free to visit the websites to learn more.
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/
http://www.dcrcc.org/home.htm
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
On a Quest to find Where I Misplaced Myself.
So I had drama on the job, and what`s messed up was it came from someone I cared about dearly, I think I attract it. I think I attract people who like drama and men who have major issues or fear commitment. I sometimes think I am a resting place for them, they get there use and move on. The problem for me is I end up holding the empty bag. I can admit I find it hard to say no or stop. I will also admit I used to resent it when my mother would say "You let people run over you". I guess I didn`t want to be viewed as weak or flawed, but I have come to know we all are in some way or the other.
I also know I have a problem...I will totally disconnect with people once they piss me off. I will cut them off like the grass and hope they wither and die...Ok that was real extra and dramatic. No I don`t hope that, it just seemed silly to say at the moment. I guess I have a morbid sick dry humor side, and guess I am the only one laughing.
I also know I don`t say exactly what I am feeling, I will just harbor feelings of silent rage and bitch about it in my mind. I guess I don`t want to be viewed as confrontational or argumentative.
There is no part of me that likes to fight,but I know I need to express how I feel and be honest. I guess I also don`t want to come off as a total bitch either, I am tired and yes I am complaining today. The volunteer training I am doing is turning into therapy and I think I may need to check my own self in. I started this as a way for me to give back and I see that my own tainted childhood has never been completely worked out.
It has forced me to examine who I am as a person and why I interact with people the way I do. This training and self-discovery is very painful at times but I know it has always been in my heart to continue to give of myself. I asked Jamar to tell me the things about myself that he sees. My ability to be a little bit selfish,stubborn and unable to forgive.
I see the selfish part in my as the Girl/Woman who just didn`t get It and I mean It as in anything I may have wanted no matter how nice I was. I did`nt understand that some people will use you because your so open and eager to please. I didn`t realize it`s ok to say I need this or I want this. I now realize in some and or most of my relationships I exhibit some of this selfishness. I want what I want cause I feel like I deserve it. I pout, or demand in many verbal and non-verbal ways.
I know I need to work on this.
Being stubborn can have it`s pros and cons. My stubbornness is not to budge when folks do me or others wrong. If you have treated me or anyone else In a way that is mean,cold,hurtful,disrespectful,demeaning or degrading way...You get an F in my book officially put yourself on my list and most folks never come from that. You are cast out of my life because I view you as harmful and not of good character. Feeling like that scares me away from people I feel like they have potential to do it again if they have done it before. I don`t stick around to find out of they just made a human error of bad judgment, I have already branded them as "BAD PEOPLE".
I think somewhere deep down I knew some of these things,but I really believe that speaking the truth is very freeing. I need to ease up and stop beating myself up about things that I can`t change...At least I can`t change today. I really do Thanks God for the wonderful women who are now in my life, I know now what true friendship is, they love me in spite of my flaws, call me out when I am wrong and support me in whatever direction my life takes me and remind me to not give up on my talents.
I am feeling so very Thankful right now for self-discovery.
I also know I have a problem...I will totally disconnect with people once they piss me off. I will cut them off like the grass and hope they wither and die...Ok that was real extra and dramatic. No I don`t hope that, it just seemed silly to say at the moment. I guess I have a morbid sick dry humor side, and guess I am the only one laughing.
I also know I don`t say exactly what I am feeling, I will just harbor feelings of silent rage and bitch about it in my mind. I guess I don`t want to be viewed as confrontational or argumentative.
There is no part of me that likes to fight,but I know I need to express how I feel and be honest. I guess I also don`t want to come off as a total bitch either, I am tired and yes I am complaining today. The volunteer training I am doing is turning into therapy and I think I may need to check my own self in. I started this as a way for me to give back and I see that my own tainted childhood has never been completely worked out.
It has forced me to examine who I am as a person and why I interact with people the way I do. This training and self-discovery is very painful at times but I know it has always been in my heart to continue to give of myself. I asked Jamar to tell me the things about myself that he sees. My ability to be a little bit selfish,stubborn and unable to forgive.
I see the selfish part in my as the Girl/Woman who just didn`t get It and I mean It as in anything I may have wanted no matter how nice I was. I did`nt understand that some people will use you because your so open and eager to please. I didn`t realize it`s ok to say I need this or I want this. I now realize in some and or most of my relationships I exhibit some of this selfishness. I want what I want cause I feel like I deserve it. I pout, or demand in many verbal and non-verbal ways.
I know I need to work on this.
Being stubborn can have it`s pros and cons. My stubbornness is not to budge when folks do me or others wrong. If you have treated me or anyone else In a way that is mean,cold,hurtful,disrespectful,demeaning or degrading way...You get an F in my book officially put yourself on my list and most folks never come from that. You are cast out of my life because I view you as harmful and not of good character. Feeling like that scares me away from people I feel like they have potential to do it again if they have done it before. I don`t stick around to find out of they just made a human error of bad judgment, I have already branded them as "BAD PEOPLE".
I think somewhere deep down I knew some of these things,but I really believe that speaking the truth is very freeing. I need to ease up and stop beating myself up about things that I can`t change...At least I can`t change today. I really do Thanks God for the wonderful women who are now in my life, I know now what true friendship is, they love me in spite of my flaws, call me out when I am wrong and support me in whatever direction my life takes me and remind me to not give up on my talents.
I am feeling so very Thankful right now for self-discovery.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Birthday`s, Girls Night and Much More
My birthday was so nice,I love My friends there the best KiKi,Nicci...what can I say but You guys mean the world to me. My girlfriend surprised me by having JDub show up. He told me he was sorry and that he would celebrate with me another day. Talk about pissed...
Then he walked in and I just passed out.
I just cried and cried and cried...here is a picture of him consoling me. I love him...
Everyone together now AWWWWWWW!
Girlfriends:
All my friends are sweet,productive,smart,funny,silly ,down-to-earth,and DROP-DEAD-GOURGEOUS.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Don`t Sleep
Just because I don`t say it, Does not mean I have not already thought about it a million times before you.
Just because It does not appear that I am doing it, I am just carefully planning it out in my mind.
I already know what your thinking, good I am glad...Mission accomplished.
Just because It does not appear that I am doing it, I am just carefully planning it out in my mind.
I already know what your thinking, good I am glad...Mission accomplished.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Love...How Amazing
I had a moment of clarity about 4 am Monday morning while talking to my boy. I started a post that talked about love and Valentine`s Day and romance and then it turned into something else. I talked about why I am such a romantic and the whole princess notion that was planted in my mind and heart as a child.
My computer froze up and I was unable to save it...But trust when It comes back to me mentally I will be sure to post it for you all.
I am just thanking God for all the clarity that is coming to me as of late. I see just how he is moving through me. Leaning on him is amazing and scary all at the same time. I pray that the hurt my ladybug is feeling will be occupied with productivity.(4ULADYBUG) Things happen for a reason and sometimes change is hard to handle, but that is life. Whatever God has in store will come to light exactly when it needs to. People change and that`s ok...Continue to pray for them and love them regardless. Find out who you are and where you want to go and let God do the rest.
Anywho love is a wonderful thing,(JW) I just realized I love you on so many different levels and I am feeling an incredible amount of peace that comes with that,who knew. I listen to you when you say trust in God,and believe in the things he has shown me. I am holding on to what he has revealed ,holding onto every bit of it. I am in this with you the highs and lows, to answer your question again yes I am open to you.
My computer froze up and I was unable to save it...But trust when It comes back to me mentally I will be sure to post it for you all.
I am just thanking God for all the clarity that is coming to me as of late. I see just how he is moving through me. Leaning on him is amazing and scary all at the same time. I pray that the hurt my ladybug is feeling will be occupied with productivity.(4ULADYBUG) Things happen for a reason and sometimes change is hard to handle, but that is life. Whatever God has in store will come to light exactly when it needs to. People change and that`s ok...Continue to pray for them and love them regardless. Find out who you are and where you want to go and let God do the rest.
Anywho love is a wonderful thing,(JW) I just realized I love you on so many different levels and I am feeling an incredible amount of peace that comes with that,who knew. I listen to you when you say trust in God,and believe in the things he has shown me. I am holding on to what he has revealed ,holding onto every bit of it. I am in this with you the highs and lows, to answer your question again yes I am open to you.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Standing in the need of Prayer
Last night I realized again how amazing God is. My heart was bruised and I cried to him for help and guidance. I cried last night from hurt,confusion,frustration and he dried my tears and allowed me to calm down. All my life I dreamed that one day I would have my hearts desires and to trust in God. I still believe those things it`s just I never understood why it has to be so hard sometimes. I ran the gamut of emotions last night self-doubt,sadness,fear...What was I doing wrong? Just when I thought I was winning,I finished last. Is it me? Should I do more? Should I do less?
Waiting on a word from God
I tossed and turned all night and when I woke up,I felt like I had just went to sleep hours raced by and I just wanted my mind to be clear,I hope tonight is better for me. I am still hurt,just not crying,my heart is still bruised just can`t feel the sting as much. As I took my shower the tears rolled and I asked God to deliver me from the hurt and to make it easier to bare and he did...Thank you in Jesus name. I think what helped was me saying to myself Put not your faith in man,but trust in God alone. We hurt each other everyday that`s life that`s human...God has allowed me to be a forgiving and patient individual and I am so blessed for that. I can`t miss what I never had so I will continue to pray on it and wait patiently.
Waiting on a word from God
I tossed and turned all night and when I woke up,I felt like I had just went to sleep hours raced by and I just wanted my mind to be clear,I hope tonight is better for me. I am still hurt,just not crying,my heart is still bruised just can`t feel the sting as much. As I took my shower the tears rolled and I asked God to deliver me from the hurt and to make it easier to bare and he did...Thank you in Jesus name. I think what helped was me saying to myself Put not your faith in man,but trust in God alone. We hurt each other everyday that`s life that`s human...God has allowed me to be a forgiving and patient individual and I am so blessed for that. I can`t miss what I never had so I will continue to pray on it and wait patiently.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Will I be saying goodbye?
I look back at how little I have accomplished as far as my demo is concerned and I feel like just giving up. I feel like there are but so many times I can ask for help. I have been here ready willing and able and I sometimes wonder am I not DIVA or bitchy enough for the game. Musicians are always busy or have a gig here and there and you have to chase them down like bounty hunters. If I could have one wish granted right now it would be to finish what I started and be able to give the world a beautiful collection of music made by me.
I don`t know folks,I feel like If I can get back in the "LAB" I may have to give up. Now don`t think I am a quitter, I can only do my part which I have tried and failed. The rest is up to everyone else who was "supposed" to help.
To be continued...
I don`t know folks,I feel like If I can get back in the "LAB" I may have to give up. Now don`t think I am a quitter, I can only do my part which I have tried and failed. The rest is up to everyone else who was "supposed" to help.
To be continued...
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