Dating

So I met this guy, He older,very good looking,has his own buisness and I am afraid to date him. I am afraid to date period just because I am in a different place mentally. I have been abstinent for over a year and it feel dang good. I asked God to bless me and I promised to be obedient. Don't get me wrong I can't wait for the day that I can share myself with my HUSBAND,but until then I'm too fly to just give it up to anyone. I long for intimacy with a man that goes beyond the bedroom.

I think sleeping around with any ole body is dirty and can lead to all kinds of things that are not good for the mind,body and soul. What happens when you tell a guy there wil be no sex? For me I don't get a call back. Here I am trying to live right and I get left in the dust. I don't worry about it but it does not make you feel good when your phone does not ring. All I really want is some good conversation, you know the kind where you REALLY can TRY and get to know someone.

I admit I get lonley, I want love and affection like anyone else I am only human. I mean when I think about it I have been alone for almost a year and a half. I was in a relationship but I was still alone. I pray that whoever if ever I get involved with
really wants to be my friend as well as my lover. Someone who I can pray for and pray with. Someone who has God at the center of his life. I know I am not perfect so I am not looking for perfection,just someone God knows is perfect for me.

So the new fine guy, I guess we shall see how this goes. New beginings for the new year. Celebacy, a really nice new home THANK YOU JESUS!! It's perfect. A better ride, and the best blessing of all Jackson.

Father God bless my heart,heal my heart so that I may be all you want me to be.


http://www.puritansermons.com/sermons/griffin1.htm

Ashamed...

I can't even bring myself to write about the turn my life has taken. I am really alone in my thoughts and I hold it in. I hold it in and blow like a top when face to face with the source. I am ashamed and long to be free. I don't apologize for my feelings there mine and until I can heal, I own them.

I understand what God wants for me, I understand it all,but I am still human. I still hurt like anyone else. All I can do is just ask for strength and forgiveness when I allow my flesh to dictate my actions. All I can do is cry out to him when I can't get a handle on things. I am human and I hurt just like anyone else and all I can do Is cry out to my God. Help me Lord to be healed,Lord I am seeking freedom and courage. I am seeking your face in all I do,even when I fall short, I asking you to pick my up.

ANGRY!!!

Yes I am owning that feeling lately. I don't want it but I can't seem to shake it. I try to stay prayerful but sometimes I just get angry. I spent a great deal of my life just letting things go. People would say and do things and I would never deal with it. I was never taught to deal with conflict and confrontation effectively.

I am angry,angry at you for not being who I thought you were. I am angry at myself for not seeing ahead of time. Angry for being in the positions that I put myself in,for the positions you put me in. For trusting and believing in you,for not going with my gut. For thinking you would catch me when I fell. Angry for being a statistic and you making me one and you thinking it ok for ME to be one. For not being able to move forward right now. Angry for loving you so much even thouth you never earned or or deserved it. Angry for wasting tears over you. Angry because you are not reliable and I can't trust anything you do or say. I am angry for praying and not being able to feel peace and comfort. Angry for getting physically ill when you come around or call me.Angry for falling apart when you leave. Angry for not having the guts to just beat the crap out of you or throw something. ANGRY YOU GAVE ME A STD! YOU HARMED MY LIFE AND AT THAT TIME YOUR UNBORN CHILD. ANGRY THAT YOU TREAT IT SO BLAHZAY. It's so crazy because you were hell bent on and AIDS TEST when when we first got together, and I end up with that STD from you.

I feel like I don't have any control. I ask God to forgive me,help me,give me strength but I fall short when I lose my cool. I need a healing and I need it fast. I miss who I used to be. Where am I,who am I? I am angry that you get to have a irresponsible life,you get to not care, to do whatever,whenever with whomever. I am angry that no one hold me at night. I am angry because I am afraid to be held. I am angry because I forgot what it's like to be kissed. I don't know how and where to start over, I am afraid to start over. I am afraid of doing this alone for the rest of my life. I am afraid because of you and I am angry as hell just because.

My world is shaken and I feel very robbed. I am angry because I have yet to forgive myself and In turn I can't yet forgive you. I am doing my best with what I have been given and I am doing it ALL ALONE remember that.