Where I wanna be

I never thought I would have children. I always knew I wanted a family but I after waiting so long to get involved and dealing with all the doctors who said no, God said yes. I was literally in shock when we got the news on January 20th,2007 when and how I am still in shock. I knew how but really me?,pregnant wow that was major. The next 7 months would prove to be the most trying and unforgettable time of my life. I was so sick some days I could not make it into work. I thought I was losing my mind and the depression that came with it at times consumed me so that most days it was impossible to function. I feel like he trapped me, and I was hurt and mad at myself for staying with him. Anybody but him, why did I get pregnant by him.

I sought counseling,prayer,friendship you name it I was looking for answers. I surrounded myself with people who loved me and prayed that the baby would be alright with my being sick all the time. Everything I dreamed about for my first time was pretty much taken away. It still hurts because it was not the experience I signed up for, and there is no going back. I am a very sentimental person so stolen memories don't sit well with me. If I had to do it all again, I would have done my homework on the man I got involved with. Right now I am dealing with the backlash of it all, the ex's I left behind who wanted a future with me. I have to answer hard questions about why I am in the position I am in, and how foolish I am. How I was to believe in someone who was not on the same page as me. I am not saying that I am best thing since sliced bread but from what I have been told I ain't too far off. I have always been involved with men who are excited about relationships,exploration,me,us,family,marriage,intimacy,love,Christ and sharing . I never had to ask for a compliment,kiss or hug and intimacy, it was just a given. Sharing each others lives was something we looked forward to even if we did not stay together,we enjoyed dreaming.Now I am a single mother trying to keep my head above water. My home was destroyed, I had to leave my job, everything was stripped away, all with a new little baby in tow and no help from the father.
 So many things I am juggling right now, a new baby, the fear and anxiety of having to pack up and move, no money,car problems,healthy issues, but I know God will provide. I have always taken care of myself but the stress of it all is wearing on my. I don't bother to consider my child's father to help me in any way but to give a couple of dollars here and there. I'm not his responsibility but it stings knowing that no one is taking care of me and I am tired. It has been hard. The fighting, the crying, the mourning the relationship, the struggle of still learning how to trust God completely. My hurt and anger was misplaced, I was really brokenhearted and disappointed in both of us. Our behavior was unacceptable. My ex took the liberty of allowing me to struggle, to alienate me from himself and his family. He became a stranger, someone I did not know. Or was it him all along and it was just really showing now? I was angry and disappointed that the roller coaster he had me on was named Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Who knew, certainly not me?

Now they (THE EX'S) want to know how and why I ended up in this situation, I have always been known as wifey. Some have since moved on to marry and have kids and were all still good friends. They wanted that with me, but I know marrying some of them was not my destiny. I am glad they still want the best for me and I know I will get some sort of scolding when we talk and that's ok. When they did something off back in the day It was me who let them have it, so I know it's done in love when they do it to me. Right now blank and I are just trying to make heads on what to do,actually he's waiting on me and I don't have any answers for him. I love when we slow dance in the middle of anywhere, hug just because,and talk till the sun comes up. He offers me love like I have never known yet I can't seem to return it. Why you may ask? I don't know,why now in my life did I decided to get involved with someone who is not capable of loving me or at least trying. Why did I choose hurt, why did I ignore my gut and just leave? When I did leave, he always knew how to get me back. Long suffering love on my end, hopeless romantic, or just plain foolish? To be honest with myself, I have never been taught how to be in a relationship, or deal with men. I've loved and been loved but actually I am still learning and scared. I thank God for always showing favor and placing angles all around me.

I'll admit I get lonely and having my baby close keeps me sane. He's all I have now and my life has moved in a different direction. I focus all my time and energy on being a good mother so much so sometimes I neglect myself. I don't know if it's a way to punish myself for messing up and putting my child in this position or if it's just self hate. I focus on him to keep myself for getting lonely or feeling sad because I know he loves me unconditionally and he depends on me. It feels good to be needed and wanted, and I don't take that for grated.

I know I have to take better care of myself because I have been getting sick lately and I don't want to drop the baby. I absolutely hate taking pills and It seems like every time I go to the doctor there giving me more.

Side Mind Fart
I remember my cousin saying that her child's father was not helpful and loving to her during her pregnancy. She said she did not want to have anymore kids for fear she would go through that again. I don't blame her and I thought about it myself but I pray that I have one more. I pray I can give another child the start I did not give my first.


I don't say much now, I just stay in prayer. I'm just holding it all in most of the time. I let go when I have a moment,most times when the baby and I are alone. I cry out to God for help.

Postpartum depression it the worst.

Where I wanna be...In a better place than I am now LITERALLY. HOME. HEALTH. HEART.