An in depth discussion on relationships this clearly exposes how lust, deception and sexual self-gratification ultimately destroys both, the individual and their relationships. Also other choices which can ruin a person.
I hate the place I am in emotionally and the pain that accompanies it. Everyday I try my best to not cry,to not allow my circumstance to dictate my emotions...but sometimes it gets the best of me. I know how I got to this place but it seems like I am caught in a maze that has no end. I find myself frustrated,angry because right now it feels like there is no escape. I always viewed myself as a kind and loving person. I always felt like I tried to live myself "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". My course of action is to always right my wrongs and humble myself when I have not lived up to God's expectation of me. I consider myself to be responsible for the people I care about as they would care for me.
I don't want to leave this earth with a legacy of broken people. It is my duty as a child of God to repair any hurt I have caused to any of his other children. When we do wrong we must ask for forgiveness and try to correct past behaviors so that a hurtful path is not one we continue to travel. I know that I have hurt people and people have hurt me but the true testimony to God's grace was that there was healing in the forgiveness toward each other. There was no budging until I knew in my heart that the person had changed and they were truly sorry. I felt the sincerity in the apology and they wanted nothing more than to start over again. (RP If you are reading this your sincerity reached my heart, I am glad to say I feel safe with you again)
It made me feel safe to at least open up the lines communication. I was so hurt by there behavior toward me that I pulled out of our friendship completely. Once God moved it was possible to talk. As a survivor of abuse I understand that I was never taught how to identify when people were not treating me with kindness. I was always vulnerable a walking open wound,and so I was a easy target. I misplaced my trust and ended up hurt so many times so the way I chose to cope was to shut down. That was my way of hurting people,I would totally cut them out of my life. I would cease all communication and make sure I was no longer someone they could hurt again. As a survivor you start to get tired of abuse and you find a way to cope,for me it is total isolation. I have also learned in this journey that people are not perfect and they make mistakes, I can accept that what's hard accept is not correcting the behavior. Now unless your just clueless you should know at some point what is destructive and what is healthy. What will enhance your life and what will leave you stuck.
I am still a student, I am still learning what is healthy. Right now I am trying to learn how to feel safe with people again. Once I realized Jamar was not concerned about me,my health,my feelings, my life;I found myself in a world of hurt. All my dreams,everything I worked so hard to overcome was snuffed out in a years time. I had finally got to a place where my life was happy and had direction. I felt good about me but slowly things feel apart. I had a man who lustfully looked at my cousin right in front of me, It made me feel like I was not good enough for him. When I was pregnant he never comforted me, I struggled physically emotionally and mentally during what was supposed to be the best time of out lives. He never fought for us which only exacerbated my deflated spirit.
I am human and I too go to God and ask for forgivness for my actions. I find that sometimes saying nothing still gets me in troulble because I am trying to hold back my frustration. I am still trying to control my heartache. I understand holding it in is not healthy but I have yet to find an effective way deal with my feelings. I do know that I am trying to heal and that outside entities sometimes effect that process. I pray that I can live in peace and not be afraid of...
