My Little Part in History

Yesterday I...

So Everette and I have talked and things are 100% clear like they always have been. One thing I love about him is he never plays any games and he is very considerate. So I was ready to just say forget it and keep him at a distance like I have been for the past 8 years but I decided to just go with it. He's a very loving individual who has always been in my corner, I am happy to say we are friends. We talked today and like usual it's easy, I missed being able to just call and say hi to someone or they call me.

It feels good to know that when you call, the person on the other end is happy to hear from you and you don't get a " What's up". I always felt like that was so ...ummm buddyish? Vacant and without feeling at least from a guy. I can only say I have only been lucky to have that happen to me with one man and let's just say I don't have to hear that anymore. Even though we are miles away I still get " Hey beautiful and I love you". I don't know if it can get better than that but it feels real good.

I ran into this dude the other night and he has been trying to go on a date with me since I was 7 month pregnant(YUCK). I mean I guess I should have felt good but I was still very much in love with Jamar despite us not being together. There was no way I wanted any parts of any guy. Anywho he's cool folks and he really takes care of my nephew so we have a good social association with each other. He called yesterday afternoon and the conversation was cool. He said "Jackie you look really good and very happy". I told him about the postpartum and the depression that followed, he said he noticed. I told him I know that it is something that follows me but I am doing better and I feel like I am back to my old self again. He earned several cool points with me when he said " I will call from time to time to see how you are feeling emotionally".

Though I am not on any medication which I don't feel like I have to be, I understand why I am the way I am. My good friend Alyce said she tells Walter " When we don't hear from Jackie or see her she is probably going through, when she's good she will call". I love her for knowing me and understand me and all my flaws. I remember not wanting her to be mad with me for getting pregnant, she's like my big sis. She told me "friends love you unconditionally" and I was able to shed the shame I was feeling about the whole thing. Here I was single, scared, pregnant, stressed to no end and the biggest thing was I am not married and I have let people down. She show me love beyond measure and I am so thankful I did do her make up that fateful night backstage.

I went to the thrift store with my girlfriends the other day and got Jackson some cool stuff, plus Nicci and I hit up Wal-Mart for some clean products. Sorry folks I don't lead that much of an exciting life anymore. The highlight of my day is when " Between The Lions, and Sesame Street" come on.

So I am still up, tummy aching...Who is gonna take care of me? ME!!! I got to do what I got to do. My foot is killin me too, I may have to see a doctor about it because it does not feel good at all. I will clean when I get up and get Jackson ready for the weekend. I think we will go for a walk just before his dad come so he can get some fresh air. It's cold but he does not care as long as he can run and play. Ain't life grand where your that wee.

Bill O'Reilly and Dennis Miller on Hova and Jeezy

There looking at everything we do folks, be mindful. Any opportunity they get they will pounce and throw it in our faces.

Question of the Day

I was not surprised by this, that's why I am OPEN. Let's get it in folks, let's do some abnormal ish and actually build families. Because what is normal is for our children to grow up not knowing what an intack family unit it supposed to look like.

What’s the biggest problem facing Black America in 09′:

Thank you for voting!
The Recession 15% (1189 votes)

The "Baby Mama" culture, too many single parent homes 47% (3605 votes)

Racism and Lack of Opportunity 10% (810 votes)

Religion: Black people are too drunk on religion 4% (323 votes)

Morality: We Need More Jesus and Better Morals 23% (1793 votes)
Total Votes: 7720
Return To Poll
PollDaddy.com

Never Done

My days and nights run into each other, things to do, people to see and be momma too. I thought about this as I was washing clothes about and hour ago. The word disparaging came to me and God spoke to me directly on this. I was like really God, I had a clue but thank you for confirmation. At the end of our lives God will judge us not each other BUT, we must not be so careless as to cause doubt or disparage our brothers and sisters. Example I thought about my son's father and something he said he spoke about, about me. He said and I quote " When I talk to people I say Jackie is a good mother, I won't take that away from here but her priorities are not in order". That is a disparaging remark on me and my character. Somethings should never be said, lines should not be crossed but people do it anyway. I can say thank you Jesus I have never done that to him. I am 100% sure none of those people know me personally but have a permanent opinion of me now.

I really sacrifice for my son, I even withstood his father verbal intimidation when it came to child support. I could have went ahead to get it taken care of in the courts, not because I wanted to nail him to the system...but so I could at least go to school for free... SOMETHING. I decided to not hear him yelling at me because I needed money at the first of the month and not the middle or that I could gain opportunities. Bills were late but they got paid, I stretched every last penny until they yelled Uncle. My priority is my son and some would say take him to court but I say my God is a good God and he is my provider.

So as soon as I can make some money I am heading south. I am going to pack myself and my son up and see how I like where Everette lives. I figured no harm to be open and check it out for a couple of weeks or so. I just know I have to move, I like where I live but certain things are just not working out. I hate to have to pack up AGAIN but this time I won't have to move within 7 days. If I go I don't know how it's going to work because I have not dated ANYONE in 2 years. It may not be bad Everette and I have a 8 year history and were both single.Jamar was the last man I was with was involved with in ANY and EVERY sense of the word but I am now open to possibly seeing what Everette has to offer Jackson and I. I know he loves me and Jackson but I need to sure about what I am contemplating getting us into. I only said I would move if I got married so who knows what will happen.

All I know right now is that I have come to a place where I am open to being loved privately and publicly. I am open to another man being a prominent part of our lives. I am open to a new kind of family unit, I am open to jointly raising Jackson with someone other than his father, I am OPEN. I never thought I would even have to do it but life serves up all kinds of things.When I was pregnant, I could never imaging being involved with anyone else and that my womb was a sacred place. No other man could or would be privy to my child and I. Now I am on my own, doing it all alone on a daily basis and it's hard but rewarding, I am OPEN. I waited to date, but I feel I am ready now. I deserve to hang out and have a good time once in awhile. The problem about dating before was I was not ready emotionally. I think of that line in Family Reunion where Frankie says...“Some men come to restore.” Part of giving up sex is that some men don't stick around, I know one who did. I never looked at the past potential suitors as bad men, but I am in a different place and getting to really know someone is important to me. Yeah I got 2 good kisses but had to cut that out once things seemed to be getting too heated. I don't mislead people because I know how unthoughtful that can be and It has been done to me and It aint cool.

Ok I have blabbed enough but God was tugging at me. I have to remember to be an example and not a hindrance in my actions. I am not saying I free from wrongfulness but he was speaking to me and I could not ignore him. How are we lifting each other up?

For Every Mountain

So like my celibacy I asked God to stay my tongue. Most times when your flesh is weak it is hard to submit to the will of God. I asked that he keep me and when he sees fit, he will restore all things. I love that my President's slogan is "Change" or at least one of his slogans. I realized I had been praying for change for sometime now. There was a realization that there was no follow through on my behalf, my light bulb moment was still yet to come. Stripping down and allowing myself to be broken and I mean true brokenness has not been easy. It would mean that I would fully have to rely on God to cover me.

There was a heated discussion Jamar and I had I recall being stressed out. I had been notified by the landlord that he did not receive 2 months worth of rent. I know that I bought the money orders and mailed them, why he failed to mention it is beyond me. The refrigerator was down and he had yet to pay the gas bill. The lights were cutting on and off and I was tired. Why should Jamar or anyone for that matter care about my stress, so for that I asked God to just break me down. I realized I am completely on my own raising my son because his father and I are in 2 different books. When I began to surrender the blessing started to come in. My phone bill got paid, the lights stayed on,the gas has not been cut off, God was and is slowly Healing the bruises left on my heart and he is wiping each tear away.

I recall in that same conversation wanting to say what was really on my heart but true to form Jamar reminded me to not do that. I am glad I took his advice because he could use it against me at a later time. Not everyone will care about your hardship and not everyone will build you up, sometimes they look at that as their golden opportunity to step on you. So I breath a big sigh of relief on that,and turn it over to God. I pray that I continue to be obedient. I thought about how grateful I am that with all my blessing I was able to take part in some of the Inaugural events. I am excited about the possibilities and the efforts that have paved the way so that I can be where I am. Tiffany, I know you are smiling down!!! I miss you, and I don't care if folks think I am crazy because I still talk out loud to you. I love you and miss you everyday. You are present everyday and I still can't believe that you are dead. There I said it dead...never did I ever think you would leave this world the way you did. Feeling sick now

Wellspring

I keep an never ending supply of moments, and conversation in my mental rolodex. I have been sitting on this for a while.

I should get paid for all the input I give. I have had the opportunity to have people seek advice from me many a time. I remember a funny incident where I gave my input and it was rejected off the bat, I guess the individual did not want me in there business so they continued to be vague. True story they still ended up calling me asking for help and even went with the name I suggested ( I am entitled to royalties haha), I guess they ate a piece of humble pie and had to gave a sista a ring. I am a wellspring and I should get paid for my input. I claim my blessings in Jesus name. I love to be creative, it's just the way God made me so from here on out I will use my talents like he would want me to. I just had a lady call me the other day asking for help, I got to get her some sort of contract soon before I agree to help her out. Now I am not saying she will do it, but folks will use you to get what they want and toss you on your tucus. Be it sex, money, time,love, joy and even your kindness when they don't deserve it.
You can't let the take your salt folks remember that.


Understanding is a wellspring of life unto him that hath it; but the instruction of fools is folly. --Prov. xvi. 22.
The source of a stream or spring.
A source: a wellspring of ideas.
1. the source of water for a well
2. an abundant source; "she was a well of information"

Halloween 2008

My Altar Deposit

So last Sunday, I thanked God for all my blessings. I asked him to guide me and that I understands he requires my brokenness. I want to be the vessel he needs me to be so that his name can be glorified. I will take my prayer of forgiveness to the altar because I am living by faith now. As I look back over my life I would be so sad and question why God would allow things to happen to me. I can stand now and say God brought me though and my life is a testimony. Being abused, rejected, misused, I was a little girl going on a grown woman. I experienced things a child should never be privy to. I remember things happening and just frozen because I did not know why the person was mistreating me. I look back now and I can say in my heart, God I forgive them. Even my father, God I forgive him. I can't say we will be hanging out anytime soon but I pray for him all the time, and I want God to continue to cover him.

I never understood why Roni treated me bad until we had a long talk. She recognized what kind of friend I was and how she acted but the biggest thing that she said was "Hurt people hurt people". I never understood why people would hurt each other when they were sad until we had that talk. If I was sad I just isolated myself, fall into a depression and focus on something until I was able to face the world again. I focused/obsessed over my son during my depression. I never wanted him out of my site because I was afraid of what I would do to myself when he was not near. I will admit that his smile,touch and playfulness took my mind off my own personal grief. I am still grieving for Tiffany and his smile melts the sadness away. So I came across the post on forgiveness and Jesus says to forgive seventy-seven times, we are in a continued state of forgiveness. So even though there are things I have moved past, I still have to take it to God to ease the pain in my heart. Forgiveness does not happen overnight but with faith you can leave it with God to have the last say.

So for you reading pleasure here is the post I ran across.

It is not uncommon for Christians to have questions about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not come easy for most of us. Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged.

Is forgiveness a conscious choice, a physical act involving the will, or is it a feeling, an emotional state of being? The Bible offers insight and answers to these and many more common questions about forgiveness. We'll take a look at the most common questions and find out what the Bible says about forgiveness.

Is forgiveness a conscious choice, or an emotional state?
I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive.
The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us:

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (NIV)
How do we forgive when we don't feel like it? How do we translate the decision to forgive into a change of heart?
We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.
I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in his time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.

Philippians 1:6
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (NLT)
How will we know if we have truly forgiven?
Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who survived a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust, said, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."
We will know the work of forgiveness is complete when we experience the freedom that comes as a result. We are the ones who suffer most when we choose not to forgive. When we do forgive, the Lord sets our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned us.

Most times, however, forgiveness is a slow process.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV)
This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.
What if the person we need to forgive is not a believer?
I have found that prayer is one of the best ways to break down the wall of un-forgiveness in my heart. When I begin to pray for the person who has wronged me, God begins to give me new eyes to see that person and a new heart to care for that person. As I pray I begin to see that person as God sees them, and I realize that person is precious to the Lord. I also see myself in a new light, just as guilty of sin and failure as the other person. I too am in need of forgiveness. If God did not withhold his forgiveness from me, why should I withhold my forgiveness from another?
Is it okay to feel anger and want justice for the person we need to forgive?
This question presents another reason to pray for the person we need to forgive. We can pray for God to deal with the injustices, for God to judge the person's life, and then we can leave that prayer at the altar. We no longer have to carry the anger. Although it is normal for us to feel anger toward sin and injustice, it is not our job to judge the other person in their sin.
Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (NIV)
Why must we forgive?
The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to forgive. We learn from Scripture, if we don't forgive, neither will we be forgiven:
Matthew 6:14-16
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (NIV)
We also forgive so that our prayers will not be hindered:
Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (NIV)
In summary and in closing, we forgive out of obedience to the Lord. It is a choice, a decision we make. However, as we do this "forgiving," we discover the command is in place for our own good, and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom.

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