Never Done

My days and nights run into each other, things to do, people to see and be momma too. I thought about this as I was washing clothes about and hour ago. The word disparaging came to me and God spoke to me directly on this. I was like really God, I had a clue but thank you for confirmation. At the end of our lives God will judge us not each other BUT, we must not be so careless as to cause doubt or disparage our brothers and sisters. Example I thought about my son's father and something he said he spoke about, about me. He said and I quote " When I talk to people I say Jackie is a good mother, I won't take that away from here but her priorities are not in order". That is a disparaging remark on me and my character. Somethings should never be said, lines should not be crossed but people do it anyway. I can say thank you Jesus I have never done that to him. I am 100% sure none of those people know me personally but have a permanent opinion of me now.

I really sacrifice for my son, I even withstood his father verbal intimidation when it came to child support. I could have went ahead to get it taken care of in the courts, not because I wanted to nail him to the system...but so I could at least go to school for free... SOMETHING. I decided to not hear him yelling at me because I needed money at the first of the month and not the middle or that I could gain opportunities. Bills were late but they got paid, I stretched every last penny until they yelled Uncle. My priority is my son and some would say take him to court but I say my God is a good God and he is my provider.

So as soon as I can make some money I am heading south. I am going to pack myself and my son up and see how I like where Everette lives. I figured no harm to be open and check it out for a couple of weeks or so. I just know I have to move, I like where I live but certain things are just not working out. I hate to have to pack up AGAIN but this time I won't have to move within 7 days. If I go I don't know how it's going to work because I have not dated ANYONE in 2 years. It may not be bad Everette and I have a 8 year history and were both single.Jamar was the last man I was with was involved with in ANY and EVERY sense of the word but I am now open to possibly seeing what Everette has to offer Jackson and I. I know he loves me and Jackson but I need to sure about what I am contemplating getting us into. I only said I would move if I got married so who knows what will happen.

All I know right now is that I have come to a place where I am open to being loved privately and publicly. I am open to another man being a prominent part of our lives. I am open to a new kind of family unit, I am open to jointly raising Jackson with someone other than his father, I am OPEN. I never thought I would even have to do it but life serves up all kinds of things.When I was pregnant, I could never imaging being involved with anyone else and that my womb was a sacred place. No other man could or would be privy to my child and I. Now I am on my own, doing it all alone on a daily basis and it's hard but rewarding, I am OPEN. I waited to date, but I feel I am ready now. I deserve to hang out and have a good time once in awhile. The problem about dating before was I was not ready emotionally. I think of that line in Family Reunion where Frankie says...“Some men come to restore.” Part of giving up sex is that some men don't stick around, I know one who did. I never looked at the past potential suitors as bad men, but I am in a different place and getting to really know someone is important to me. Yeah I got 2 good kisses but had to cut that out once things seemed to be getting too heated. I don't mislead people because I know how unthoughtful that can be and It has been done to me and It aint cool.

Ok I have blabbed enough but God was tugging at me. I have to remember to be an example and not a hindrance in my actions. I am not saying I free from wrongfulness but he was speaking to me and I could not ignore him. How are we lifting each other up?