Last night with Him

I ended up in tears, in his arms. I could not bring myself to make love to him. He tried, gave it a good effort,but I just could not do it. I don't remember how many times I said I was sorry. My heart ,body and spirituality was not up for it, I told him I just wanted to live right.

I am no prude by far, and though I fantasize about  "it" I just can't do it. He just kept saying "baby what's wrong, what's wrong, talk to me." I explained that I want to be married one day, and I live my life the way I believe God would want, and anything that is not like him is a disappointment. I want to wake up and see love EVERY morning and not feel bad. #Celibate and Proud

 Going to reflect on E and last night, I told him I didn't want to waste his time. He just held me, and wiped my tears until I fell asleep. I woke up to him kissing me and he went home, he is still so sweet and gentle with me, I know he cares about me ,but my salvation is more important.

I just kept asking God to keep me, said it over and over as I laid in his arms falling asleep. Things will get better eventually, I have to believe that.

Struggle, Conversations with Jesus

Not feeling well, mind is all over the place tonight. Being held, curled up under the covers would be good right about now. On the verge of tears. SCHOOL!CAR! LIL ONE!

Dropped 2 classes, never got a D..but I have one now in Piano class,I have to do better next go round. Weeping may last for a night,but joy comes in the morning...I need to see the sun soon. My life may look fun and exciting, but...well at least try to smile to keep from crying, feeling stressed out.  Something has to give. I have poured my heart and soul into my son, he has no idea what Mommy goes through to make his life peaceful. That's what you do for your kids, he is doing so well and his teachers and staff at school are seeing a change. I am really working with him so he can be all he can be in life, looks like he is progressing leaps and bounds.

Well I am going to study and pray, be easy folks and thanks for the love.

Bumpy Lumpy

Lump under my arm is killer...been there for months. I am going to see about getting it looked at,praying for nothing serious. Hurts really bad.

Holy Trinity Worship Center had a word for me

Went to church tonight...sang with my school choir. I am so glad because my flesh was feeling weak and I so needed a word. Holding on to God's promise for my life and a blessing is going to happen. Feeling better and going to pray and have more faith. God is always going to cover his children...just to think I was reflecting on the words J's whoever/whatever she is said to me really made me feel horrible. Now God put a song in my heart and I feel better. Well time to get some rest and go to school in the am.

Feeling Feelings and Not Needing to Feel Right Now

Funny how the mind, heart and body work together...Thank God I am in tune with God and myself.

Wishing, wanting to be held. Wanting to do things I have denied myself...all in the struggle to "do right". Missing the kiss, lick, touch, suck,feel of a man. I want to get on top,bend over, lie on my back and take it all in...but I am trying to do right. #Celibacy

I want my top undone and my body pleased...but trying to do right.

I know that though I allowed a little kiss, I am not really open to the idea of Ev. He is familiar, but not what I need or want...don't want to use him. I rid myself of all the good men I was cool with when I went all in with the Ex. I never imagined being with anyone besides the father of my child. EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE feels foreign. It just never sat right in my spirit to not be with him, but life and the choices we make place us in different spaces. I could not imagine my child feeling and dealing with the reality that his mother did not want to stay with their father. I am worth so much more, I am valued and worthy of honest,put the work into it love. I understand that I was not treated the way I was supposed to be, so each day I remind myself of that, and everyday it gets easier in my choice to walk away. He never really showed nor expressed a huge enthusiasm for me and why would you want to be with someone who thought of you as just something/someone to do until the next thing caught his eye.I am a prize, PERIOD, POINT BLANK.

I am human, I miss making love, I miss having a relationship,and I want to start over. I do believe in starting over, and giving it a shot...as long as you are willing to do the work. I am willing to do the work. Body is screaming right now...so is my heart. .


Really want to rebel in so many ways....having a tough day. Father rock me.

Larry does DC again...October 8-10, 2010

We had such a good time, wish I had weekends like that more often.

Pants on Fire

‎"It never ends with just one lie"

Fender Benders and Drops

Got into a car accident this morning taking the lil to school. I cried so hard it was crazy, I just feel so unfocused. Everything is half and rushed. I was not rushing this morning...well sort of because I went to bed again at 2:30am. I was trying to do homework for my math class. The lady I hit today was so cold and seemed bent on saying she was hurt. The firefighters seemed annoyed with her after awhile when she was trying to laugh and joke with them. They had to do there job and I was just trying to calm down.

Lil started crying when I started to cry. There I was tired, late, in a rush, stressed out. The officer was so kind as to not charge me the full amounts for the tickets he gave me. They are one hundred dollars a piece. So two hundred dollars, plus the ticket I could not pay that is two hundred dollars now, plus the one hundred seventy...total of $570.00. YEAH,HOW WILL I EVER PAY THAT? I am not going to let this make me sad. I never been so behind financially since having my son. I have to just keep on keeping on.

Oh I dropped my math class today. I was struggling so much, I knew I was going to fail. Rather let it go now than fail later. Once I take this mid-term Friday, I will see if I have to drop materials of music. Ok babies...got Mommy/Daddy duty...holla at ya later.

Grammy U 365...Music, The Life of a Singer

Drake, and Neyo,my Classical Instructor Professor Holloman and (L-R) OPENING FOR MAYSA-Gina Rose, Jackie O'Day (BgVocals), Grammy Award Nominee & Soul Train Music Award Winner MAYSA, and Tony Carr Jr.(BgVocals)- at MAYSA Concert @ Bethesda Theater, Oct 16, 2010

Feeling Blah

So stalker called my phone at 2:20 am. Not only was she disrespectful in calling me, playing on my phone, but she is ringing my phone at a crazy hour,...so now you don't care that you wake me up,but you could wake up my child. How in the world can she think the way she acted a fool with me would be ok? Did she not know she would and could damage things between the Ex and I? That could have been her aim and wanted to make sure that if it was broke, she would make sure it was irreparable. How is that caring for him or my child? If you "love him so much" as she claimed, why be hurtful to me? God help me I'm so confused about all this crap. Enough talking about that for now, onto bigger things.

Missed my Mid-Term today...my lil one woke up at 1:30,4,5 and 6am to throw up. I made the decision to miss classes today and I am exhausted. I tried to study every other hour he was asleep. Times like that makes the single life suck, should have called Ev lol. Let me not even play like that, I know he would jump at the chance but I am just not there with him. He showed up at my show at and then took me to lunch. It was good to see him. I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but I did not want to give him the wrong idea. When I got pregnant with Jackson, I made a promise to God to serve him. I have had my ups and downs with that, but for the most part...in order for me to be blessed I have to be obedient.

I know the sacrifices I have made will pay off in the end, so I am just fine with conversation from would be suitors. Real men love God and live to be obedient and honor him. We are not prefect but we should live everyday with God in the forefront of our lives. When I was a child I did childish things....so EVERYDAY WE SHOULD LIVE LIKE ADULTS. I just want peace and love in my life. The devil comes disguised in different forms like my Ex's psycho sex buddy. But I understand now, that this is a distraction...and I am focused on removing nonsense out of my life.


Well I know the two songs I will sing for my show next month, really excited about it. I will probably drop 2 classes, I really don't want to but Math is kicking my butt. I want to pass and this does not look like my semester to do that...If I am going to apply for financial aid, I need to drop and save my GPA. Well, I am not feeling well and I am sure I have whatever  lil one has uuuggghhh. Going to study and turn in early. Until later be well.

He Called...

Now what? He is E...and I have not talked to him since I broke things off more than a year ago. I left him to go back to my Ex, and he decided to leave the area. He's has moved back and reached out via Facebook. I didn't think too much of it and just chatted briefly via inbox and kept it moving. Well he reached out via yahoo IM, and asked if he could call...I let him. So now he wants to see me...today actually and I am not together. With all this foolishness going on with the stalker I just feel out of it. I can't stop him though, he is a man who goes for what he knows.

I will be hosting Lunch Time Jazz, A Music Series from 2pm-3pm, I will also sing a song or two. If he comes, it will be more than a year. We have always had an interesting relationship/friendship, either way it will be nice to see an old friend. He was so sweet, he offered to help me with the lil one, I could use all the support I can get. Mid-Terms are coming up and help, an ear and a hand are right on time. He gave me his take on the whole messy situation with the Ex and his stalker girlfriend, it was good to get a man's perspective. Well, off to do homework until I pass out...Math here I come...good times. NOT.

Still No Understanding of It All

So she called again today, I am so sick of this woman and her childish games. I have been going over and over the things in my head ,trying to understand how anyone could be that mean and desperate. It was a wound I worked really hard to try and heal and she pulled the scab off for no reason. Why keep calling me? I have yet to know what the truth is since being pulled into all this mess. I was minding my business trying to do my math which I am struggling in and here she comes calling...mind you restricted. I could not even finish, I just left school after that.

I was able to get some information on her and have been seeking advisement on restraining orders. I hate to say this is bothering me, but it is. He's disgusted by her foolishness too. He is livid she had to sneek into his phone to get my number. I have to think, is this woman going to show up at my door, and when she does, she will lose her life. I work really hard to have a loving and sound place for my son and I, now some foolish chick is messing with that. Never felt the need to leave my home, but I can't risk any violence. Someone will die and it won't be me. Why target me? I just keep asking myself why? Looking for another place everyday for her safety..Ugghh!

Just Because

Just because you are saved does not mean your not supposed to be mad or react to things. Now I have to go repent for all the 4 letter words I used lol... brb.

I cried so hard last night in my prayers, asked God to protect my son and myself and to let the blood of Jesus cover us. I asked for forgiveness in being angry at this fool...she took me to a place I hate to go. But just because I am saved does not mean you are immune to feeling. The Bible says, it is okay to be angry but sin not. Yes, repent because God judges us on our thoughts and what's in our hearts. God knows my heart regardless of my action the other day. I just had to call her out, get it out of my system what and who I thought she was. God will fight my battles from here on out. Whatever the drama is going on with the Ex and stalker is the Ex's doing not mine...all I want is peace and happiness in my life. I think they are both getting a kick out of this mess. Dude, I left you, stop hyping this idiot up to think I want you. I can't want a man, who feeds into, supports and partakes in someone who is disrespectful to me. I love God and myself more that you.

Tonight!!

@A Grammy event...got a wonderful blessing that night.

Despite the sadness in my heart, I am going to push on and get this gig tonight. My mother/angel has agreed to watch my son. I still have to press on even when I don't feel like it. I am trying to not let the unanswered questions consume me. I am tired didn't really sleep and got another blocked call today. SMH. So tired of this dumb woman calling my phone. I know Jamar is somewhere telling this fool it's going to be alright. I am sure she lied and told him she never said any of the foolishness she said the other day. I really don't want to have to change my number. I already feel inconvenienced by leaving my home.

Ok I got that out...TONIGHT:Singing backup for Gina Rose tonight. Grammy Award Nominee and Soul Train Music Award Winner MAYSA @ Bethesda Theatre, 8pm...tickets on sale!!!

Exhausted by it all

I fell asleep...I was exhausted. My son's father called and that drew my last bit of energy. I am up now attempting to finish my math and English homework@5:30 am.