I have learned when to bow out gracefully. I just realized my time was up with him and that even though it's painful, it had to be done. He called and called and called and I avoided. Every time the phone rang my tummy would knot into little balls of hurt, frustration, passion, anger and love. I could not find the words anymore. I know that they are there I guess I am tired of the whole up and down. One day was good and the next I am guessing.
My childhood friend saw us together and said "Wow you two are really a beautiful couple, I can see the love between you two" My heart could have just broken in two right there. I just said thanks he's a sweet guy and moved the conversation in another direction. I will admit in my mind I was saying..."Too bad we are over".
I look back now and laugh because he was the one wondering if and when he would be replaced. He really believed that I move in a direction away from us, but when it was all said and done he was the one that left long before I did, I just verbally ended it. I know I am not the end all of all women and I hope that whoever he ends up with loves him and cares for him just as much as I did.
Even though his actions hurt,I still love him and wish him well. I know that I am not in control of any situation and that God is the only one who has the last say. My friends are more hurt than I am and are offering all their wonderful support and advice. I guess they really wanted this one to go "All the Way". I continue to tell them that It just was not in the cards this time but I have not given up on love.
He used to tell me to continue to pray and believe in the things that God has shown me, that's all fine and well but what good is it when you’re the only one praying? I know it states that when 2 or more touch and agree God will surely move. If we are not on the same page where does that leave us? Where else is there to go from here? Is there anything more to say? What more could possibly be said? They like all the comforts that a relationship brings, yet don't want to put in the work. I can't allow myself to be taken for a ride. The average women wants the kids and the hubby, the home and a dog. There is the percentage of women who could care less and more power to them. But the average woman waits for that day. I am thankful to God that I am not so tarnished by failed relations to know that something wonderful will happen one day.
This brings me to my last comment on this blog. I am human and it still effects me in a very emotional way.
I know that he's actions took a shot at my confidence and had me second guessing myself. Note it was not him, but his actions. I knew I did not want to act like a jealous 15yr old and the thought of all that was spinning in my head and heart was causing me to stress out. The thought of what he was doing and where he was and who he could be with was just too much. I had to make a clean break because what I was doing was so mentally unhealthy. The booty call he got at 1:30 in the morning, as I lie right there beside him and my heart was sinking as it rang out into the night. He never budged to acknowledge it or whoever it was that was on the other line that I was there and it was inappropriate...Or was it?
I guess it wasn't...that is why I had to bow out gracefully with some of my dignity in tact.
To be continued...
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