Flakin Out

Just when I think I am ready to jump into something romantic I get cold feet. I have already had my heart stomped on,kicked around and spat on, I don't know if I am ready to do that again. I think about Everette and the friendship that we have and I worry that if I dive in there is a chance it will be ruined. I never fell in love with him, but I recognize that he really cherishes who I am and has genuine love for me and my son. I love him for loving me flaws and all.

I wonder if moving away is the best move, I guess it's the exhaustion talking. I think about the pros of entering into a relationship for myself and Jackson. The thought of having someone who wants to be a father to Jackson and a mate/husband for me make me nervous and happy all at the same time. I know a healthy family unit would be nothing but good for both of us. BUT...is Everette the man I want to be with? I really don't know and I would like to be sure. I have been sure only once in my life but it did not work out. I knew I was sure because even though I have loved, I never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I think there are so many qualities that I love about him but I want complete chemistry.

When I was sure before there was nothing I would not do. I was in it 100% and now I just don't think so. Now that I am attempting to date again, I find I would rather be alone most times. With the No Go on Sex most guys don't stick around. It's funny because the excitement of hanging out with someone new is a high. It's just easier to be alone because I am not willing to break my promise to God. I fooled around the other night and it was ok BUT. All I could think about was the unfamiliarity of it and never could get lost in the feeling. I guess I am caught in the "Last Man" cycle and it so sucks. For me the last man I was with was my son's father and he know me in a biblical way. I was receptive to his touch because I considered myself his. Dating, fooling around can be exciting,unfamiliar and sometimes nerve racking. I guess If I ever meet a man who I know is in it to win my heart, I can allow my body to go with the flow, but my faith is always saying....this is wrong.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't plan on "givin it up", but I have to relearn what it is to be intimate without memories of the "Last Man".. Am I being flaky or just really really picky?