Feeling the hatred

I sometimes wonder why Jamar hates me so much. I wonder why he has an incessant need to control things. If I say no he says nay and so the cycle continues. I put in place a fair visitation arrangement and instead of going with the flow he balked at it and added his personal revisions, it just has to be his way. Needless to say I am holding firm on this and I pray God give me strength. I have to always work a plan that works for me. He crushed my dreams and then expects me to be a team player,please. I will never get used to dividing my sons time with him, it's unnatural and awkward for me. I feel sad for men who think it's ok to have divided families especially when they never put forth the effort to keep one together. I asked for correspondence via text or email and he still called making visitation requests a day before scheduling.

He was full of anger and hate for me and you could almost feel it coming through the phone. I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible he cause me great anxiety and I am a mess when he's done with me. Once I got off the phone I called Walter, Jackson's godfather; I just needed him to listen and perhaps help. I could not hold it anymore and I broke down and cried as soon as we hung up. How did I allow him to talk rude to me and why did I even pick up the phone? Unfortunately my son will feel the hate he has for me and there is nothing I can do about it. My son will never get to see his biological father be good to his mother and that hurts. As a woman and a mother I feel like I have failed myself and my child. I don't hate Jamar and in spite of all that has and has not done to me, I want to believe there is a heart somewhere buried deep down inside of him. I still love him but I don't love how he has treated me. Feeling worse and worse everyday, I only have energy for my son other than that I am dead.

I pray that I live to see my son live a full life. Between the stress that Jamar adds to the slow decay of my body I can't be sure of anything. I am in so much pain and I feel like just cutting out my lower half. Since Jamar gave me the OB said I am now more at risk for all others. We are all venerable but he has heightened my chances. It doesn't matter because my body is all messed up from the pregnancy and according to Jamar my breast look like utters. What man will have that, I am disgusting. Why would he do this to me, all I did was love him. He has left me over and over again and like a fool in love I took him back. I really believed in him, in us and a future together. As for Everette it is so effortless to love me and want a family and he wanted to sacrifice but I was in love with Jamar. I question if I made the right choice in leaving Jamar but Jackson would grow up think it is ok to not cherish women,I need him to respect me and the kind of young man I would like for him to be. I wish he loved me as opposed to hating me. I am trying to remember who I was, I wish I could remember how to have a good time. I feel so lost.

I look forward to each morning with Jackson because he starts his day of with a smile and keeps me grounded.