Tired but I Can't Sleep

Just drove 5 hours back home and Jackson is fast asleep. He is really a rider, my road buddy. You know mama got get places to get things done for his future. I pray that all that I am doing now and in the future pays off for him. So my brakes are shot and I won't accept any money from my friend. I just need his ear and a shoulder. The gas got cut off because I always have to wait on BD for a late check. I guess that's how he sticks it to me. No worries it won't be long and he won't be able to strees me out anymore.

So Micah and I are done, funny we never got off the ground thanks to Jamar. I finally got the nerve to talk to a guy after a year and a half. He is the 2nd guy I have met for this year and no luck. At least he kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. The last man I kissed was Jamar,wow I remember it was February 2007 and I have not had ANY contact with ANY man since. I could probably claim virgin status now. I am still afraid to try, I want to because I get lonley and because I practice abstainence I lead a pretty pathetic life. I heard single mothers get very little one on one attention,were too busy taking care of anyone else.

Jackson and I have been staying with my boy and it's been cool. There was no gas to bath,boil water for Jackson's food and he was there. I am enjoying the company and the help with Jackson, God knows I get so tired. I know I need to go to the doctor but I feel like moost of them are full of crap. I'll just wait untill I fall out because I don't have time to be wasting time. I will say I am feeling the love and caring and great conversation. Jackson loves all the space and who could blame him, i don't know If we will ever go home,lol.

Jamar is living his happy comfortable life and I am trying to do the same. I envy him in some ways. He has the ability to share himself sexually with no conscience. I wish I could be that way sometimes, I will admit I miss being touched. I have to pray that God protect me and my flesh. I so want to be obediant so I have to ask for a hedge of protection all the time. It gets hard when you just want to be held, kissed, and told something sweet like I miss you. Anywho I hope I get to be loved on soon before my time to do anything is pretty much gone. I'll just love on Jackson for now. As a matter of fact let me do that now...good night.