Father God
I am so desperate to please you. Sometime I feel so lost and that my life is all for not. Ever since I could remember I felt like death has been my shadow waiting to envelope me. Since I was a little girl I wanted to be good and when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior pleasing him was all I wanted to do. When storms would rage in my life I would ask you God why is this happening to me. I have never felt free in my entire life.
What can I do? How can I live my life in order to serve you, I feel clumsy and undeserving of any kind of mercy. I am a liar. I have portrayed myself as a strong person when I have not. I have allowed myself and others to defile me, All I want is to be accepted into the heavenly kingdom but I feel like I am falling short every time. I want a pure and clean heart not just for myself but for my son. I am so sorry for not believing you are faithful at times. Please forgive me for failing you. Because I had not committed to you fully and whole heartily I have had many painful situations occure. I have had to learn some lessons in very hurtful and painful ways, I am still learning and it still hurt and it's even more painful. I know you know my strengths and weaknesses and would not allow certain things to take place in vain. I feel weak in mind, body and spirit. I feel ashamed for questioning my pledge of celibacy. Please forgive me.
I feel my disobediance has gotten in the way of any potential you have for me. I so desperatly want to be a good christian, mother and wife. I desire all these things yet because of my actions I feel like you punish me, and rightfully so. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and continue to lead an upright life. Show me what you need me to do.
Paul the Apostle said we all have a gift and that when we are single we can focus more clearly on God fully,I want to be holy in body and spirit. Because of my disobedience and impatience I became pregnant and subsoquently left by the father of my child. Because I thought I was in control and I hurt myself over and over again. I was straddling the fence thinking all that I wanted God to bless me with would still be granted. I am sorry for not waiting on you Lord. I am desperately running in a never ending maze, God grant me a way of escape and keep me safe. I am afraid of the world and myself, please heal my broken heart. I am calling on you, please save me because I don't want to be left behind. I want to be there with you and I fear having to spend the rest of eturnity in hell.
I pray that my personal failures do not follow my son. I pray that the generational curse stops with my son and that we both live for you. I want to live, I need to survive. Bless me Father, forgive me, have mercy on me. I want my life to be a light for others and that you are glorified because of it. My false representative is much more eloquent, here I feel misplace and grasping to say the right things to you. Please know my heart is sincere. Remove all that is not pleasing to you because I am a failure.
My son belongs to you and I am humbled because of it. You know our lives before we came to be and never in my dreams did I see my son being in my life, yet here he is. He is because of you, thank you Father. Thank you for staying my flesh, deliver me from sin, bless my son,my life, my household and all I encounter. I am fully committed to you, I am reaching out to you, please reach for me too.
I need you Father, please remember me in your kingdom.
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2 comments:
I can feel your pain. I have been there; I'm here now there so much I want to change about me. At this time in my life I want to become a better person inside and out and get back close to God. I was rasied to be close with God. Sometimes I think and believe that I'm Paul the Apostle; I have done that much wrong in my life.
Just kept the faith, be strong. Everything happen for a reason and your Son is your joy. Love him and show him the love and power of God through you.
Your Father God knows you pains and He will see your through...also I will keep you in my prayers.
Be strong my Sista.....Gods loves you
I had the pleasure of reading your blog from the start. You see like a woman who gives her all. This Jamar guy or the father of your son sounds like an unfortunate character. Sometimes us men don't appreciate what we have until it's gone. He may have never appreciated the love you gave he will be lucky if another woman will tolorate his bs. You gave him you, your love and a son but he's a lost soul and I will pray for him.
You took down a couple of blogs and I understand why. You should never feel ashamed of the position he put you in. Mature conscience folks don't have children just because. Both parents should be there to hold one another up for the childs sake. You mother must be a angle for providing for you and your son. That is a blog I could read over and over.
Don't feel bad because she helps you in ways he will never. Stay encouraged you will find work, get a much deserved break, plenty of hugs and kisses and a better role model for your son. I will pray for your strength in Christ.
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