The Decisions We Make

 Inspired by parts of Eat, Pray,Love

"The only thing harder than staying, was leaving." Eat, Pray, Love

"I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I did."

I made the decision when I was four months pregnant to end the relationship with my child's father. It had to be one of the hardest and scariest decisions I have ever made in my life...but in the end I had to choose myself. Trust me I heard every judgment out the wazoo, " stay, how could you?, force yourself" Well I would like to think that when you are with someone you paddle upstream together and coast and float when the water is calm together. At that time, none of that was happening and I was done being accepting of complacency. There was a growing life in me and I had no time to just sit on my tail and spin. I have to make clear decisions that would and could lead to a better tomorrow. I was taking a chance, but I did not have the liberty of having a partner who was that helpful at the time. It was time to grow up and not just take part, when I knew I deserved all. I was scared, I was a babe in relationship maturity, but I had the sense to know God had more for me. I had sense enough to know I had worth. I had to remember my self worth, where my help came from, where my beauty rest. I could no longer willingly and openly fornicate and sit in church...my soul was growing increasingly irritated by it. I could not say I stand for my father and then lie on my back for me. Now of course I know I am not perfect and have not always done things that were pleasing to him...but when you know better then you do better...and you try, try again...but if you're living it daily and you are conscience of it, you can't justify your mess to anyone.


I left and I never looked back...not even once. No suggestions, no hints, signs of wanting to backtrack, just forward. Too afraid to look back for fear I might turn to salt...I kept running forward. Was it the best, right, or rational decision at the time...I am not sure? Some asked why I didn't go back, try to make it work...at the time I just didn't want to so I kept it moving. My goal was to become that of a phantom. Only one you saw was my child, no calls,emails,cards, or visits from me...just my child. He was and is the only one that mattered. I didn't want anyone assuming or trying to influence any reunions...my life was and is floating in a sea of peace...no need to rock my boat. What I am sure of is that God kept me. He provided EVERYTHING my child and I needed. When things happened that seemed tough or confusing, I never questioned God because my faith rested in him. Now I am not telling women to do what I did, but know your worth and uphold it, especially when others don't. Love yourself, love on yourself and push yourself to do it mostly when you don't feel like it.

Having left that relationship at the state that was in or going into was not conducive to my lifestyle, my health and the health of my then unborn child. I would hold and caresses my belly and have long drawn out conversations with God, asking him to guide me. I would say "Ok Lord, I made the break, now where?' Before you know it I found strength not just in myself but in numbers. I knew I was not alone and I never would be. Doors were and still open for me and I am so humble and grateful. I started writing music again, accepting gigs, shows, consulting opportunities, and events to coordinate. I was being used and still am by God...all because I decided to be obedient.

It was scary because I didn't know how to raise a child on my own. I had raised my sisters, but never my own child. Along the way, I learned I was capable of doing more than I gave myself credit for. If God sees it in me, then I needed to see it in myself. He is who I draw my strength and my help comes from. Stand by your decision and if it all goes to pot, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again. I am thankful. I made a decision, stood by it scared and all and asked God to lead the way. So many blessings and self discovery came about, just out of me taking a leap of faith. Again, I am not saying leave your partners and raise your children on your own because that may not work for you. Both people are responsible for how a relationship goes, be sure you do all you were supposed to do to contribute to it's success, if you don't there is no one to blame but the two involved. I will say this, love yourself the way you want to be loved, don't wait for someone to do it for you.

I decided to choose my God, my child and myself and stand firm on that, no regrets.