Honesty

I was talking to my grade school friend the other day and she said something to me that was a bit surprising. She said she was encouraged by my strength. I had to make a decision and it was fairly easy once I finally got some sense. The road ahead is another story altogether and not as easy. Leaving my child’s father was easy because I realized that men are more evolved and should be there for there women especially if there are with child. He made it clear that he was not serious about being in a relationship or me and to really clear when he hit it on the head and said “We were in a flaky relationship". I knew then I had made the right choice to move on. The sad part was I really loved him for everything he was and was willing to forgive all the things he was not. All I ever wanted from him was love, intimacy beyond the bedroom, affection, spiritual growth, friendship, kindness, passion and compassion. He once said I was the kind of woman he would marry, interesting, surprising, and crazy. I thought I had met the one and I bragged that I never wanted to kiss another man for the rest of my life. At one point I thought God was telling me to be patient, hold on, have faith, he is your husband and he will be everything I have shown you. I think I ran wild with that and tried to reap the reward if any way too soon. I may have been disillusioned and just saw in him what I wanted to see, what I wanted him to be. I may have willed myself to really believe and reality was he was not playing for keeps but for what was comfortable in the now and not the future. I know who I am and flaky is so not me. I crave a stable life free of my generational curses and failure. I ask Christ/God to plant the seed of healing and forgiveness in my heart so that he his will can be done in my life. “Use me Lord to show someone the way, and enable me to say my storage is empty, and I am available to you”.

I am still human and the rawness of all that has transpired still draws tears to my eyes but they don’t last long at least not as of late. I accept the fact that I am just the woman carrying his child and that what I thought was friendship was just a comfortable set up he was floating on until the next thing that caught his interest came by. I am being reborn with each new day and I know that even though 1 man did not love me I know God does and he’s crazy about me. I am slowly leaving that scared little girl behind and rejecting anything that resembles flakiness, wishwashiness, madness, mayhem, and foolishness.

I don't do anything flaky because I am an adult and childish ways should be behind me and under my feet like the devil who loves to keep us running in place. You can watch your friends and family surpass you and he’s laughing all the while as you try to catch up. I know me and the direction I want to go and forward is the only way to go for me. I accepted his flakiness I acknowledge my part and I had to pay the price, like my mother would say “A hard head makes a soft behind”. The hard part was knowing he would never support me and that I stayed way too long. I really opened my heart and was interested in a really honest, love infested relationship. I allowed my need quest for love to overlook my morals. I fornicated and played house thinking I would get house and love in return. God said not so but I know your tired, I know your heart desires to be one and not lead a single life but that's not how you go about it. Many times I lie there crying inside because I knew I was in the wrong. God was speaking to me to be obedient and I still did as I pleased. I strayed away from church and I noticed that I was becoming more and more unhappy because I was not living right. I was longing for inner peace, it did not matter how nice and happy I appeared on the outside I was not content on the inside. I see where I went wrong because I allowed my longing for love to cloud my vision. I did not take the time to study the character and fell for what I thought could be. I did not have Christ with me/us in the relationship, which was something I always longed to have. I always wanted to spiritually grow with a mate. Sometimes we don't want to hear the honesty in things, but God will always reveal it to you. I always ask God to tell me who I am and show me the direction I should go, this is my constant prayer.

There was times when it felt so good (sex) but there was always the feeling of emptiness that lingered within. Many times God would call to me saying how you can lie in this bed of sin knowing it's not my will. Your dreams will never be realized this way, be obedient or you will suffer. My God look how you work and I can't afford to fail you, myself or this child any longer. I knew some things in me had to be broken down and reconstructed and I am more humble for it. Looking back I see how things feel apart between us because there was the absence of Christ/God in the relationship. I guess I am strong even when I don't think I am. It's almost over and even though it was horrible starting out it eventually got better because he is a provider amongst many things. God is such a forgiving God.

My cousin called me brave and I was blown away at that. I never looked at myself that way I guess because she has her husband and they love each other and really try to work together. My circle is really sad about the outcome but I realize I fell for someone for who I thought he was and who I thought he could be and that was not the case at least not mine. I guess when you get down to the wire you see a persons true character. I am sure he will fall in love if not in love with whomever he is with now, he will lavish them with all they need and mean what he says next time, I still pray for his peace of mind and happiness. I remember him saying I would do all he can to be here for you and the baby, I guess that was his flaky side talking because it never happened. I can't be mad or sad anymore, I made the choice to believe in him and believe what he said.

I kept the secret of why I was having this child with me and I could not hold it any longer. He felt as if he lost when I was against it. I felt horrible knowing that I could be taking something away from someone, especially knowing they really wanted it. I felt like I would be the bad guy and I would disappoint everyone. I was under a lot of pressure and caved. I know in the end this will be a great reward but I learned that I have to be stronger and not concede to someone else’s wishes and to be obedient. In the end you have to be happy and in this lesson I learned how to be brave and strong even when you think you are all alone your not. I just say what I feel now and I could care less at this point. Gone are the days that I just allow folks to do and say whatever to me. If you aint right trust me I will let you know especially if it concerns me. My sister/friend says God has not given you the spirit of fear. My friend and my cousin called me brave and strong and sometimes I don't feel that way but I know now that people are watching I have to press on and own up to those words. I feel just a little bit lighter now, a little more free letting all that out.

Thank you Jesus