Fragile

Sometimes a brave front is hard to keep up. I have some good days and the bad days I try my best to ignore the bad ones. I try to pretend they don't happen and then something will tip me off. I think holding it in sometimes just causes me to implode and then explode eventually when someone says something or I see something I can't hold it in.
I find myself holed up in my apartment because I can think in quiet as my mind races. I am always trying to figure out a plan and what I can do to make life a little bit less complicated. I don't answer the phone, not because I am avoiding, I just may not have anything to talk about or I may be really emotional and I don't feel like opening my wounds any more than I already have.

I know that God is always in control but I recognize that I hate not knowing what is around the corner for me. When I was a kid my home life was really jacked up, I remember brief times where I was worry free. I remember times when I did actually play but there was always pain soon to follow. I remember my mother beaten down, times she wanted to give up and I remember trying to cheer her up. I never felt steady because I never knew what was going to happen next. I never really had a stable home where there was no crying, screaming or people hurting each other. I try my best to block out the memories but they have been rushing back to me as of late. I figure what a better time than now to have flashbacks right? Wrong.

I guess I never really dealt with the ghosts in my past or the Devil has devised a plan to set me back. I feel very fragile, tired, drained, and overwhelmed lately. I am assuming it's the pregnancy as well as stress. I have learned during pregnancy it is best to try and keep a good attitude and surround yourself with positive people. I am doing my best to stay active but I can never get my body to actually get up and move. I can sit down and become glued to whatever I decided to sit or lay on. I sit and sit and sit as my mind drifts and then I fall asleep. I enjoy feeling my child twist and turn and even cause my tummy to protrude, how amazing. I am trying to accept that there are some hormonal changes going on I just hate when I feel fragile and weak. It's almost over and I can't wait to get my mind and body back.