Dreams Deferred Until the Day After Eternity

Eternity seems a bit dramatic but that's how it feels some of the time. One day I feel like I am ready to take the world back on again and then I look at the mess I placed myself in and I am in that never ending forest. Arms stretched in the darkness eyes wide as if that will help me see any better.Sometimes I think about my life and all my dreams deferred, interrupted and lost. I guess there has to be a trade off somewhere and occasionally there is a bright spot to encourage you to press on. In my mind I have a whole other life a life where all my dreams live. All the deferred dreams are alive and thriving in my mind. I wish they were in real time but they are not and sometimes sleeping is a preferred retreat from my waking life.

I used to believe that as a woman placing full trust and allowing your man to lead was wise. I still hold on to that when the relationship is vested in God, love, and respect. Being unequally yoked can be dangerous and you can find yourself taking up permanent residence in Loserville. Though some things are deferred FAITH in God is all you need. I look at the situation Jamar threw in my face the last fight we had and I find myself giving God the honor and glory for that. I was in church tears streaming down my face. Jackson rubbing the tears away. I was saying Hallelujah because that same situation Jamar said "This is coming from a woman who calls ME in a panic because she can't take care of her child" "Blame everything on the postpartum" I was so grateful to God for bringing me threw that same time he spoke of. I was planning to kill myself that night. It was just one of the many panic attacks that I had experienced and I also knew that my insurance was running out and seeking further help was making me nervous. I was able to have my friends and family surround me with love, prayers and checked in on Jackson and I all the time. I was thanking God for really protecting me. I had made arrangements because I was sick, tired, not sleeping, not eating,stressed and stretched above and beyond. I remember after hanging up the phone with Jamar I just called on my God's name. It took me back to the times in my pregnancy when I would hold my belly and cry asking God to help me, I was so scared and stressed out.

I felt all alone but I ALWAYS called on God and little by little he was showing me and telling me that my son and I were going to be ok. My loved ones told me don't worry about Jamar not being available for you, we are here and they never lied. After being rejected by every apartment that was decent for my son and I, my current apartment became available. I was contacted by my case manager and they notified me that I was misinformed and I had to move right away. God made it so that I had a place and I did not have to go to a shelter. He made it so that this landlord was willing to take my voucher. God made it so that my mother and friends were financially available to take care of Jackson and I. God made it so that even though my last residence screwed up my rental history like so many other residence, I have this home. Look what GOD can do!!!Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Something big is about to happen and I am excited to see what God is going to do. Dreams eventually no longer be deferred. My faith was so weak but when I look back at where my son and I were and where God has brought us I know he is real. The enemy will try to attack your spirit and tell you your dreams are not valid or respected but God has the final say, so take that you devil!!!

A letter to my Father

Father God

I am so desperate to please you. Sometime I feel so lost and that my life is all for not. Ever since I could remember I felt like death has been my shadow waiting to envelope me. Since I was a little girl I wanted to be good and when I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior pleasing him was all I wanted to do. When storms would rage in my life I would ask you God why is this happening to me. I have never felt free in my entire life.

What can I do? How can I live my life in order to serve you, I feel clumsy and undeserving of any kind of mercy. I am a liar. I have portrayed myself as a strong person when I have not. I have allowed myself and others to defile me, All I want is to be accepted into the heavenly kingdom but I feel like I am falling short every time. I want a pure and clean heart not just for myself but for my son. I am so sorry for not believing you are faithful at times. Please forgive me for failing you. Because I had not committed to you fully and whole heartily I have had many painful situations occure. I have had to learn some lessons in very hurtful and painful ways, I am still learning and it still hurt and it's even more painful. I know you know my strengths and weaknesses and would not allow certain things to take place in vain. I feel weak in mind, body and spirit. I feel ashamed for questioning my pledge of celibacy. Please forgive me.

I feel my disobediance has gotten in the way of any potential you have for me. I so desperatly want to be a good christian, mother and wife. I desire all these things yet because of my actions I feel like you punish me, and rightfully so. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness and continue to lead an upright life. Show me what you need me to do.


Paul the Apostle said we all have a gift and that when we are single we can focus more clearly on God fully,I want to be holy in body and spirit. Because of my disobedience and impatience I became pregnant and subsoquently left by the father of my child. Because I thought I was in control and I hurt myself over and over again. I was straddling the fence thinking all that I wanted God to bless me with would still be granted. I am sorry for not waiting on you Lord. I am desperately running in a never ending maze, God grant me a way of escape and keep me safe. I am afraid of the world and myself, please heal my broken heart. I am calling on you, please save me because I don't want to be left behind. I want to be there with you and I fear having to spend the rest of eturnity in hell.


I pray that my personal failures do not follow my son. I pray that the generational curse stops with my son and that we both live for you. I want to live, I need to survive. Bless me Father, forgive me, have mercy on me. I want my life to be a light for others and that you are glorified because of it. My false representative is much more eloquent, here I feel misplace and grasping to say the right things to you. Please know my heart is sincere. Remove all that is not pleasing to you because I am a failure.

My son belongs to you and I am humbled because of it. You know our lives before we came to be and never in my dreams did I see my son being in my life, yet here he is. He is because of you, thank you Father. Thank you for staying my flesh, deliver me from sin, bless my son,my life, my household and all I encounter. I am fully committed to you, I am reaching out to you, please reach for me too.


I need you Father, please remember me in your kingdom.

Obama I won't let you down.

So Funny

What do you expect?

So J feels like I shut the door in his face. He came,did what he had to do, said what he needed to say and once I asked him if he wanted to come in he said no. I then said ok see ya and shut the door, what more do you need? Funny because he feels like I am treating him a certain way. I just give an outward expression of an inward confession.

J seems to be under some impression that I own him respect. You can't kill a persons dreams, drag them through an emotional mud pit, make decisions that exclude them and think they are supposed to be civil with you. Depending on the day consider yourself lucky.

Getting out the House

Hey Jackson can you hear Mommy?

I miss you and I can't sleep because of it. At about 8 am I will miss you jumping on my head,pulling my hair and kissing me on my lips to wake me up. I can't wait until you come home so we can play, love and laugh.

Totally Bored Out of my Mind

What Kind Of Lover Are You?

You Scored a 77% which means you are a ....

 

Sincere Lover. You are such a total sweetheart people have a hard time taking you seriously. Sadly, because you are so sincere and sweet you get walked all over. Try to hold your ground a little bit and beware of the selfish lover. The feed off of sincere lovers like yourself. Even though you get used and abused a lot you still have a heart of gold.

What kind of lover are you
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What Kind Of Mother Are You?
What Kind of Mother are you?
Stern but fare

You are very stern. Your way is "Work first play latter" and for your younger kids "Study First Play Later". But you let your kids do MOSTLY what they want as long as you approve of it and of course AFTER work do there homework!

What kind of Christian are you? Your Result: You Are An Evangelical   You believe that salvation is by grace through faith. That each element is indispensible in bringing a man/woman to salvation. You tend to interpet the bible as it was written and do not seek to add to or take away from its meaning based on your own theology
You Are A Protestant
You Are A Catholic
You Are A Pentacostal
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You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude You've got lots of it - and you love to give it A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Kind Of Women's Shoe Are You?

Some Nerve

I was going to vent on this blog, but I just realized it was not even worth my energy.

Where is Camp Lo?

Flesh of my Flesh

So my mother got a call from a long lost friend. I was happy to hear that they talked and the possibility of them rekindling there friendship looks promising. She asked my mother is my son was my biological son or did I adopt. About 5 years ago that statement would have stung but I am in a different place now. No longer am I the barren one and from my womb I was able to give life.

My son is absolutely perfect and beautiful in every way.

And we danced the night away

We danced so long and so hard I think I sweat off all my M.A.C.

This was the first time we ever danced together and I must say Mr. Jackson you can hold your own. He's so big and tall I felt like a little pea trying to get my groove on with him. The DJ was on point and the crowd was live. I had to take me shoes off at one point and it was all for free. You always have the best time for free.

The Biggest Blessings

Sometimes out of the biggest hurt come the biggest blessing. I look at my son and I fall in love a little more each and everyday. God is a provider and a conqueror, he's a friend and a protector in your time of fear. Everything I have asked for he has provided and I am so humbled by his mercy. Out of the struggle and tough times I ask him to hide me in his bosom.

What a Blast and I am so Over It (My random ramblings)

Jackson's party was a blast, the kids loved it all and I am so happy. I really wanted them to have a day full of fun and go home tired as all get out. The Moon Bounce was awesome the face painting the pinata and all the delicious food. So many of Jackson's friends and family came out to show him love and It was good to see everyone having a wonderful time. I am absolutely pooped, I could really use a deep tissue full body massage. I had to breakdown the Moon Bounce, haul the heavy cooler, break down the tables, return the bounce, drop Jessica off and finally make it home. What was supposed to go from 12-6 ended at 10 in the evening. Folks just kept coming in and we were more than happy to have them. I will not do that again for a long while.

Some of my folks ask how I do it alone and I just say that's what you do for your kids. I am a single mother and this is my life right now, I pray that Jackson and I can add more to our little family but for not it's just us. It's so sad things did not work out with Jamar and I but hey such is life, and Jackson is sad to see him go when he's with his dad. He's a baby so he won't have to remember and he will get used to seeing his daddy separately. I even videotaped his tantrums when Jamar leaves. It hurts me to see Jackson do that but that is the reality of our lives. He'll get over it.It's not something I ever wanted to get used to but it is my life and I am dedicated to get over it. I pray that I still know how to be dainty and delicate when need be when I get involved again.Hauling and lifting, throwing parties, moving, raising kids,juggling life it can really wash some of that delicate flower away. I want to get it back for my sake and my son's sake.

I am raising Male 2.0 because 1.0 and 1.5 had some system failures, I am not saying all is lost on those models but only God can make that work. I pray that one day Jackson never sits back and lets everyone else bust a sweat while he does nothing...unless he's THE BOSS,lol. I say all that to say my uncles saw my butt breaking down all that crap and never lifted a hand. My body still hurts...massage anyone? Ok I am off track about the party, my folks really did it up. I so needed some clothing for lil bit and people just somehow knew. He got a Leap Frog and a cool jacket from his loving Godfather. How good is God and Godfathers, that jacket was right on time. His little blue one was so small on him. His Godfather wants to buy him a much needed car seat but I said no, they do so much already. I am going to try and get a I have been talking to God and praising him so much lately.

My mother says he knows my heart and he has been listening to me, I have to get past the hurt and trust issues a little bit more but I feel like the Transformer Optomis Prime. So now that the party is done I need to focus on passing this math test. I hate math because I am intimidated by it,but I need this job and school for myself and my son. I miss being able to pay my bills on time or not feel guilty about buying something for myself. I have to do this, I am scared but I have to pass this test. Ok I am so over this blog see you on the next one. Enjoy the pictures of the party.

Birthday Parties and a Stiff Drink

So I need a stiff one because I am so stressed out. I have just about everything I need but there are always loose ends. I got so mad today with Jackson's father because he's so selfish. He had the nerve to buy himself a Eddie Bauer booster seat for Jackson. Why would I be mad..Jackson is with me 95% of the time and I can't afford the proper seat right now. You son will barely sit in that seat as much as he sits in my car.

I have to shack it off and know that God will see us through. I am hoping that someone will be kind and give a gift card so I can purchase one for him. My job search is so pathetic and I know because of God I am able to pull off this party. My mother is such a tremendous help and Nicci is an angel. Both of them got Jackson some clothes for winter but I still need to get some other essentials. I am so excited to be able to have a party for my baby, he's such a blessing. He does wonders for a bad mood.

So it's late and I need to do the last running around, I'll have a stiff one and take my tooshie to bed.

Happy Birthday Jackson

At 9:20 AM you came into this world healthy and strong. Happy Birthday Jackson, I love you so much and I thank God for you.

Feeling the hatred

I sometimes wonder why Jamar hates me so much. I wonder why he has an incessant need to control things. If I say no he says nay and so the cycle continues. I put in place a fair visitation arrangement and instead of going with the flow he balked at it and added his personal revisions, it just has to be his way. Needless to say I am holding firm on this and I pray God give me strength. I have to always work a plan that works for me. He crushed my dreams and then expects me to be a team player,please. I will never get used to dividing my sons time with him, it's unnatural and awkward for me. I feel sad for men who think it's ok to have divided families especially when they never put forth the effort to keep one together. I asked for correspondence via text or email and he still called making visitation requests a day before scheduling.

He was full of anger and hate for me and you could almost feel it coming through the phone. I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible he cause me great anxiety and I am a mess when he's done with me. Once I got off the phone I called Walter, Jackson's godfather; I just needed him to listen and perhaps help. I could not hold it anymore and I broke down and cried as soon as we hung up. How did I allow him to talk rude to me and why did I even pick up the phone? Unfortunately my son will feel the hate he has for me and there is nothing I can do about it. My son will never get to see his biological father be good to his mother and that hurts. As a woman and a mother I feel like I have failed myself and my child. I don't hate Jamar and in spite of all that has and has not done to me, I want to believe there is a heart somewhere buried deep down inside of him. I still love him but I don't love how he has treated me. Feeling worse and worse everyday, I only have energy for my son other than that I am dead.

I pray that I live to see my son live a full life. Between the stress that Jamar adds to the slow decay of my body I can't be sure of anything. I am in so much pain and I feel like just cutting out my lower half. Since Jamar gave me the OB said I am now more at risk for all others. We are all venerable but he has heightened my chances. It doesn't matter because my body is all messed up from the pregnancy and according to Jamar my breast look like utters. What man will have that, I am disgusting. Why would he do this to me, all I did was love him. He has left me over and over again and like a fool in love I took him back. I really believed in him, in us and a future together. As for Everette it is so effortless to love me and want a family and he wanted to sacrifice but I was in love with Jamar. I question if I made the right choice in leaving Jamar but Jackson would grow up think it is ok to not cherish women,I need him to respect me and the kind of young man I would like for him to be. I wish he loved me as opposed to hating me. I am trying to remember who I was, I wish I could remember how to have a good time. I feel so lost.

I look forward to each morning with Jackson because he starts his day of with a smile and keeps me grounded.

Creat me A new

Jackson was christened on August 17th, 2008
I was so emotional that day because I felt like I was giving my child away in a sense. I was happy and excited that I was finally doing this, I want my child to have a blessed life. I was happy and sad for Jamar, he was able to be there but not allowed to participate. The church frowns on having children out of wedlock and because Jamar has never been supportive of me he had to be excluded. Lord I know I am a work in progress and I pray that God will work all things out for the good.

Wash of Emotions after Hugs and Kisses

I feel like I am really being tested. Everette came and it was so nice to have what seemed like a family exist for just a few days. Everette has always said he wishes Jackson was his son and I know he is hurt that I went back to Jamar. If I never gave Jamar a chance my little precious baby would not be here. Sure Jamar made a fool of me and tossed me to the wind,but I gained a beautiful child. I will admit it felt so wonderful to lie in his arms (hell anyones arms,lol) and have him squeeze me. It felt so good to see how he and Jackson played together. I soaked up all the kisses and hugs and I replay them in my mind over and over again. I missed having that kind of contact with a man. He is the first man to touch me since Jamar a year and a half of nothing until Everette came. Just to have him touch me and hold me as I sobbed, I felt like such a dork. I was so scared and excited all at the same time to have him wrap his huge arms around me. I asked God to protect my flesh each and every time and sure enough God showed up and showed out. My test right now is to trust him with everything.
I admit I get so lonely sometimes and my only physical contact is my son. Everette is not here to hold me, and I don't know any other guys. Being celibate is the hardest when I feel the loneliest. I ask God all the time to protect me and hide me and he is nothing short of a miracle. I am trying my best to get past the hurt of all the things Jamar has done. Sometimes I cry, like now because I feel like he trapped me. Pick me up and then body slamed me not once but once too many times. I struggle to sometimes not cry at least once a day. I pray and ask God to take this hurt away but It won't leave my being soon enough. Why is that? People suggest that time will heal and to let go,believe me I am trying. I am trying my best to not throw tantrums and drink myself sick. Every time I look at my beautiful son I stop. I don't want to question God but I feel like I am moving and standing still sometimes. I wish I felt safe, I wish my faith was stronger, I wish this hurt away, I wish Everette lived closer, I wish I could just get over it. Jamar is so good at being robotic, he can go from hot to cold in 2 seconds flat and not miss a beat. I like you today and tomorrow I won't. I was mean to Jamar the other day and initially I was not sorry about it. I really had to search my heart and ask God to forgive me. Sometimes I don't want to be nice, or cordial. Most of the time I just want to be left alone. I wish I could just ball up and disappear. Sometimes I wonder if being celibate is worth it,what am I doing? Where am I going? What is to become of me. How can I pick others up and I can't even do it for myself. I have tiny moments of happiness peeking out of a dark shell. Jackson is my happiness, he is everything to me and I am grateful for him.


Lateefah and Zasia stayed with us for a week and now that they are gone I feel alone again. I insisted she stay because it was good for the both of us. Jackson had a playmate and I could care for my friend all at the same time. Jackson cried so long and hard after Zasia left, I felt so bad for the little guy. My boo bah missed his friend. I know exactly how he felt.

Virginia Beach

So I was able to take the kids to Virginia Beach and we had a great time. It was Jackson's first time and I could tell he had a ball. My lil baby got a little tan,played with his cousins and ate sand. I picked up my old camera and took some shots but I did not realize the film I had was black and white. I took 2 of Jackson with my camera phone. One shows his little tan and the other is him relaxing in my chair.

The kids had a ball and I am so happy that they did. It's so improtant to me that my kiddies have pleasent times. I know my youth did not have a lot of good times so being able to see the joy on there faces means the world to me.