A song to inspire a blog:Musiq Soul Child

All I have to say is "Teach Me How to Love" Is beautiful song. I guess I am true romantic and lover of honesty. I am also a music junkie so there is a vast array of music that appeals to my musical pallet. Everything from Carol King to KRS1 and Cyndie Lauper. This song basically is about a man who cares enough about himself, his woman and his relationship to humble himself and say "Teach Me How to Love". I blogged a day or so ago about my nephew and I thought of this song. Eventually he will be a man and showing him how to love now will benefit him in the future. I love the fact that he likes to race cars and wrestle but I also need him to understand compassion and that giving a hug or a kind word is alright too. I always looked at him as my own and felt a maternal pull to him. I guess I felt a need to step in and provide certain things I knew he would need to make it. I also feel with each day that my unborn grows inside of me that maternal instinct has kicked itself up a few notches and the need to connect on a deeper level with my babies is more important now that ever.

Boys to Men

I find that I have to constantly stay on my little man because he has a tendency to pass the buck. I don't want him to grow up not giving of himself and waiting for others to do things he should be doing on his own. I notice how he is with the girls in our life and I see a need to bump up some things for him. How are we raising the man-child. Too many times I have listened to women, myself included at some point about men who don't really act like men. There is a continued frustration amongst sisters who can't even get a man to hold her hand much less comprehend the importance of family. Are we really loving each other to the full potential, are we sending our young men out into the world without implanting in them that your counterpart is very valuable to them.

I think about Omar and I pray that I am able to teach him how to be a gentleman, how to fearlessly show his feelings, how to be romantic, passionate, spiritual, compassionate, humble and understanding. I really believe he will have a better chance in the crazy world for it. I believe upon meeting a mate that chooses him, she will be happy about the man he is. I ran into a woman who believed that in order for her son to be a man he needed to model his life after his father whom happens to be a pimp. She was ok with the fact that he would not cherish a woman and not be responsible for her and treat her like a queen. I see her frustration with him now and the potential heartache that will follow, but at the same time she pushes him to a more destructive lifestyle. How are we raising our boys? Are we raising them to be leaders, to be strong, to be selfless in a selfish world? Or are we saying its ok you don't have to try to be upstanding.

Father God please give me the strength and guidance to raise Omar in the way he should go into the world. I believe he will be a better man and a great asset to any church, woman, child, friend, or company. It's so important to arm our boys with love and affection because it will easier later on in life to show love with strength. It will not hinder them from spirituality, romance, and intimacy on many different levels. I pray for all my man children out there because we need you.

Lessons about Love and the Experience of Pregnancy

I ran across some literature to give some understanding... a little prayer helped as well because I am always willing to learn, especially the word of God. I am always on a search for him and what his will is in my life. I spent so much time upset about where I felt others had failed me or treated me unkind. I am still learning to forgive and let go and to move on. Love is what love does; it's not just words but the actions behind it.There are so many angles that have shown me the spirit of giving. They say when you give you get back ten fold and I feel very blessed. I get emotional when I think of the kindness bestowed upon me,sometimes I don't feel worthy. My friends helping me get my shoes on, to helping me lotion my legs,bringing me food,giving me money, keeping me company,rubbbing my swollen fat feet,my back,praying for me. I see God in them and I feel so blessed. When you think about it, it can be very easy to give others what they need not just what's comfortable for you. Romans 12 speaks to us about how we deal with one another.

Though Christ wants us to love one another we also need to be mindful of those who do not treat us with love and kindness. You do not have to tolerate not being treated well because you are a child of God and he does not want to see any of his children hurting. I really believe that having my family and friends around me has helped to foster a better relationship with my unborn child. So you learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. Love is what love does. My close friends and family are so excited for the birth of this child and I feel so bless that so many people are moved by my pregnancy. Who knew? God knew that this child would come. There were so many health issues I had dealt with in the past and doctors telling me “I need to put you on this medication or that medication". I was basically told if I were to become pregnant I would need assistance. I always had a fear of getting too involved with men because ALL the men I dated seriously in the past at some point proposed marriage and children. I knew I was not ready to marry any of them because I knew that it was not in God's will. I also feared disclosing what seemed to be a physical problem to them for fear I would not fulfill what they needed and would I be rejected. Jacked up right? I needed to learn I was worthy of love regardless and that someone would love me unconditionally.
I am still learning that you come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. The person who really loves you can demonstrate love and be there no matter what the situation. Love will never leave you lonely; love will be there to whisper in your ear I will catch you if you fall. Love will always fight, Love is what Love Does.

So in all this rambling I have been doing I pray that the love of God fills us all and we go forward in life anew. Lord, open our eyes so that we might see in your word something that speaks to each of us and moves us to action and transformation and we ask this in Christ name. Amen.

So many thoughts run through my mind 6/25/07

I have a tendency to think a lot, I don't mean a little bit at a time i mean a lot. Sometimes I wonder If i think too much. I am losing sleep, I just want God show me what it is he would have me do. I am know I am blessed but I will not lie my faith waivers. Why is he in my life? Will he be who God says he is? Where is his heart,am I a priority to him. Who is he? God grant me a loving relationship with a 2 parent home for my future unborn. Thank you for being for being the Great I Am.

Women And Apples

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. YOU'RE A GOOD APPLE

Tired

I am so tired today, I just upchucked everything I ate about an hour ago. Sleep escaped me every night. It's so frustrating trying to get comfortable because I never seem to get it right. My hips are starting to hurt in the middle of the night because I can only sleep on my sides. Sleeping on my back offers some relief but not for long. Throwing up really wipes you out physically, but in a sick and twisted way it makes me feel better once I am done.

I tried to clean my apartment up on Sunday and ended up over doing it. My ac was off so that did not help either. Welcome to the life huh! I know I did too much because I even ventured to the grocery store in the heat. My bags were heavy as hell but I did not have anything in my home to eat. What else works my nerves....ah yes driving and driving while hot, hungry, sad, and let's not forget tired. I usually can't wait for the day to be over so I can sleep, well pretend to sleep. I just lay there most of the time letting my mind run until I can't hold my eyes open anymore.

I am really trying my best to enjoy my summer but with each passing day it gets harder. I figure between the heat and the life force inside of me is enough to zap anyone’s energy. I still try because I am still that little kid inside that never wanted to take a nap. I used to think I was missing something if I took a nap, same feeling still applies today. I think my goal for the summer is to stay cool and wet, eat well and relax as best as I can. I really want to go back to Canaan Valley because it is so beautiful and relaxing. There is something about being around nature that really soothes my heart, body and soul. I guess I feel like I am amidst God's rawest creations. I appreciate the wind in the trees and the ripple of the streams and long to let it all envelope me.

Just thinking of that place gave me a small boost of energy to last me a momemt of so until the end of the day.

What would I do without you...

So my mother was hit by a car on June 12, 2007. I just thank God she is not dead or left handicapped. I was notified while at work and just lost it. I hate feeling helpless and not being to always be there for the people I love. I understand that I can't be everywhere all the time but damn. My mother has always sacrificed and worked hard for her family and to know she is hurting and not wanting for anything to causes me distress. Sometimes I wonder what more can happen in my life. I really believe the devil tries to show his face every chance he gets. I just keep asking God to give me strength to keep my head up and press on regardless of the situation.

I find myself calling on the Lord more and more and asking him to keep me and my loved ones in his unchanging hand. This world can be a hard place to live at times. We all seem to be living check to check or worrying about the war. We have our brothers and sisters dying in Darfur and in many other places around the world. Crime is an everyday thing. Somewhere in the madness we have to ask God for peace and guidance. I am not saying I am perfect but I am trying to live a good life. I have to stay in constant prayer to remember that God will always heal a broken heart and make a way out of what may seem impossible. I have very human moments where I can't help but to worry because I can't see what the end result is. I ask God in those times to just keep the tears from falling and to keep my heart open and understanding of what he wants for me.

So let's see, mom was threatened 2 weeks ago, caught 2 mice, one died on top of my stove (gross), a horrible cold, no sleep because I am so uncomfortable now that my stomach is growing, no ac, no elevators (most of the time), car troubles (leaving me broke), mother getting hit by a car, uncertain of where we will live, and pregnant. I could go on and on but I won't because I have to keep praising him. I have to give him all the glory in my life because I am still standing. You may think that your life is so horrible but trust me when I say there is someone else who has it worse. I thank God for all I have and all he will bless me with.

My mother is still with me, she may be beaten and bruised but she's still here thank God, I am so very blessed.

St. Michael the Archangel

St. Michael the Archangel
(Hebrew "Who is like God?").

St. Michael is one of the principal angels; his name was the war-cry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against the enemy and his followers. Four times his name is recorded in Scripture:
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/10275b.htm

St. Michael, the Archangel - Feast day - September 29th The name Michael signifies "Who is like to God?" and was the warcry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against satan and his followers. Holy Scripture describes St. Michael as "one of the chief princes," and leader of the forces of heaven in their triumph over the powers of hell. He has been especially honored and invoked as patron and protector by the Church from the time of the Apostles. Although he is always called "the Archangel," the Greek Fathers and many others place him over all the angels - as Prince of the Seraphim. St. Michael is the patron of and sickness.

Helpmate

I wanted to say thank you to my helpmate for all you do for me.
I thank you for helping me get into a better position when I turn at night. For helping me roll over and also for lending a hand when I have to get out of bed. For providing clothing for me now that my clothes are starting to get tight. Thank you for holding me at night and making me feel safe. Thank you for allowing to share my dreams and my fears and bonding with me and the baby. I look forward to sharing every experience with you before and after this baby is born and I am glad to know you will not miss a moment of this blessed time.

I thank you for reminding me how special this baby and I am to you. For easing my pain when I hurt and for wiping my tears when you can't. Thank you for helping me put on my clothes and taking them off when I need help oh and my shoes.

Thank you for making me smile every single day and spending time with me even when I am doing ok. For helping with the house, laundry and groceries when I am too tired. When the elevator is broken you help me up the stairs. Thank you for being a good protector. You make me feel wanted, loved and at peace. I was in such mental turmoil and dealing with heartach and dissappointment and then you came and allowed me to feel whole again. I love you, I don't know where I would be if you had not came to my rescue. I can't thank you enough for being so good to me. I am really blessed to have you as my helpmate.

Mouse in My House

There was a mouse in my house and he ran all about.
Putting me all into a panick and I could not have that.
Ripping and running I was scared out my mind, untill I got up the guts to catch his behind.
I laid a trap sticky and he was eventually caught all wiggley but I still had to get him out my home.
Alive he lay there with no where to go, I was still afraid he would bite my toe.
So I wacked him good with a swat of my broom and felt bad because I brought him to his final doom. He's still in my kitchen dead because I am chicken to move him and go on with life.
1 little mouse could create all that strif.
Someone come and get his butt out my kitchen.

That was one of the highlights of my Mother's Day.

Cable No More

So I have to cut off my cable, it was hard but it had to be done. I realize there are certain things that are not a priority to me right now and having cable is one of them. My hair is nappy, I am conserving my money, making room where there was no room before and cutting off my cable. Having food,gas for my car and just plan ole extra money in my account is more important than anything. I have to consider what will allow me to have a more stable life in the long run. Gone are the days of eating out for lunch everyday or buying friverlous trinkets just because I want it.
I got to do what I got to do.

Taking on Omar

When I found out my youngest sister was going to have her first child I was very disappointed. She was 14 years old and wild as ever. My mother and I did all we could to keep her on the right track but she seemed to pull the other way. I remember times where I would be so stressed out from going to court, or taking her to the hospital after having her face bashed in. Then came Omar, out of all that madness. I tried to lead by example and show her a different way but that was not the path she wanted to take and I had to let her learn on her own.

When I look back now I can't imagine life without him. He has pushed me to do better and become a better person; I guess a call to my conscience. My mother has done the bulk of care giving since my sister lost custody of him. I share in the responsibility of raising him and making sure he becomes a productive individual. I recognize a change in him now and I can sum it up to a couple of things. Omar's father will most likely never see the free world again and my sister shows no interest in being a role model in his life. I am not really bothered anymore by it because I knew someone had to give this kid a shot in life. My mother is such a wonderful example of strength and courage that I knew the time was coming for me to take Omar full time.

I know this task is not going to be easy and will test my strength and patience, but it has to be done. My mother and I discussed this years ago and that time is fast approaching. I had dreams about how my life would turn out and all of those included Omar. I dreamed I would build my relationship with Christ, travel, meet a wonderful man who would understand what it was to take on a ready made family, get married, have a baby, buy a home, you know that stuff dreams are made of. Unfortunately some of those dreams will have to be deferred but I have to press on. With a baby on the way and the possibility of not having a home to house the children I am under a lot of stress. I am trying everyday to hold it together and figure out a plan. God has not led me to this place only for me to turn back now. I trust that he will have me land on my feet and protect me, the children and the dreams I have for a better life.

I pray that God continue to give me the strength I need to press on. I pray that I am able to raise these children the only way he sees fit. I pray that God keep me in the bosom of his love and continue to be my everything. Even when I am feeling down for the count I know God is there with me. I look forward to raising Omar; he is an exceptional child who I get the privilege of knowing. I just pray that I am able to provide the best life possible for him and my child.

You and I

As I lie there all alone you suddenly made your presence known. Just when I thought it was just me you let me know you were there with me. I tried to call someone, anyone but I did not get an answer. I let the phone ring and realized that I would just enjoy your company. I have you to talk to, I have you to share my dreams and when I am feeling afraid your right there with me. I know this did not turn out the way I had dreamed but I know with you by my side I have a little bit of strength to pull through. It's crazy to think about it because I was balling my eyes out moments before and you let me know you were there and you brought a smile to my face. I found myself giggling just a little and the heartache I felt before melted away.

I just wanted to let you know you are the love of my life and I thank you for being here with me. The joys of pregnancy, it's just you and me kid...I'll never forget this night...yippy your first kick.

The Art of Courtship and Romance

1. a: to seek to gain or achieve
2 a: to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from
1: to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage

I've always considered myself to be a true romantic at heart. I would daydream about my pretend beau and hope he was like minded. I also consider myself a simple girl that still wants the finer things in life, but I know how to make happiness where I can. In the times we live in everyone is so flashy glossy, either you have to be a baller or the next video girl. Well I am not looking to be the next video girl and I don't mind an average Joe. I can say I did my share of dating and I could tell a story or two. I dated one guy who only ate bar food and did not talk much, yet he wanted to be around me all the time ugh. I was so bored and sick of wings and fries, I wanted to scream. I also went out this one guy who turned every phrase into a love song; I would think how corny are we???? I was hoping he would think of something original to say to me so we could actually have a conversation....never happened lol. There was a period of two years where I dated a military man and he was wonderful. He would come and pick me up from work sometimes with a flower or two in hand. He was funny as all get out and never had a problem showing how proud he was to be with me. He came out to everything I did in support of my craft and was usually the loudest person in the audience. I loved him very much and if it were not for politics and being deployed we would probably still be together. I think that just because two people don't end up together does not mean something was not right, sometimes that is not the path God has for either of you.But if you can't commit to him you probably can't commit to a relationship.Your path with your partner will only end up in some sort of destruction. When you put God aside in your relationship you put the progress for it to grow in a healthy way aside. So are you on a path to him? I remember we would get lunch, nothing fancy and just sit out and talk till the sun went down. He would hug me a lot and I never refused them, I felt very comfortable in showing my affection for him.

He knew how to court a woman, and was happy to be on the receiving end. I don't think a lot of men use there imagination these days when it comes to dating. What happened to indoor picnics in the living room with candlelight? Conversation that focused on each other and not work. If you don't know what to come up with for your lady, get to know her friends. They will always help when it comes to making there friend happy. Pay attention, make mental notes and asking questions always helps in the long run. I really believe it's about meeting your partner where they are. It's not fair when one person is satisfied and the other is left undone. Sometimes you have to remember that though it may not be your style and not something you do, the look on your partners face should make it all worth it. Now if you don't care about making your partner happy you need to be alone. If you’re out of touch or disconnected find a way to fix it if you care,if you’re lazy then a relationship is not something you should be trying to pursue. I don't know any relationship that made it on not trying; it takes lots of love and work. The art of courtship does not have to take a lot of money or any money if your intentions are true. If you use your imagination and heart things should work out fine.... I think lol. Prayer is something I also always relied on in my relationships. I pray for guidance, understanding, and a continued loving spirit not just for myself but also for my partner. I think about this all the time but Valentine's Day kind of really gave me some time for reflection. Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday which is fine for those who feel the need to go out to dinner or buy jewelry and all that jazz. I personally am a simple girl, I would feel totally happy with being showered with words of affection, and a home cooked meal and plenty of kisses and hugs. Hey if you want to buy a balloon and a flower or two that's fine as well but it's not about the show all the time for me, sometimes you just want to connect. I hope I made sense with this blog and I hope you all get the love you deserve.

The way things are

So I have been volunteering for several years now in some way shape or form. This was my first time for the DCRCC. I was not in the best of spirits but I was glad that I pulled myself together to make it out the house that day. I had to put my feeling aside and go out and spread some knowledge. I enjoyed talking with the people who stopped by our table and I really got a kick out of the kids.

It's interesting to think back to when I first meet him, it felt so good to be with him. I felt a beautiful energy between us. I remember he told me a couple months in that he thought he "found the person for him" I was like oh wow, I was pleasantly surprised. Funny that's not the case anymore I know everyone has the freedom to change there mind and he did exactly that. I was the one that never changed my position, I was still that woman who wanted to explore our possibilities and grow together. I never changed my mind about him even through his shadiness and indecisiveness.
A couple of weeks ago when I thought I had reached my limit, I asked him to stop calling. If we were done let it be done and he still called trying to get a hold of me. If you moved on and I told I understood you did not and would not give me the things we needed, why not just leave me be. Talk about mixed signals, I really believed he wanted more because of the things he said and did... only for him to say his persistent calling was just to make sure I was ok....HUH??? I was, what else would I be? I would have cried eventually and missed the hell out of him, but I was making a stand to cut things off and go my way, why call even after I told you not to.(I love him more than he knows)

I look back now to the first time we meet and our first kiss that night and I told him that I knew, I knew right there and then. I told him, I saw his son in his eye as we kissed on the streets of DC. Now there is nothing left about us, just the words on this blog. I guess I could compare it to when you pluck the petals off a flower, you pluck till there is nothing left but you remember how pretty it used to be.

A weekend just for us at Canaan Valley

There was such a great peace in the air when I stepped out my hotel door and saw this view, I thought it was so beautiful I had to take a picture of it.


We were so excited for the days events we could hardly contain ourselves, here we are happy and on our way to breakfast...which I might add was off the chain.
So here is my best friend signing her life away. Here she is getting her Laura Croft on. We did the Wall Climb which was not easy at all for me at least and the Euro Bungee which I might add was fun. Ok so I was a little scary and I know now that I am afraid of heights,but I won't let that stop me from having the experience. Ok I was scared out my mind on the bungee and I cried a little on the chairlift. Thank God Keeva was there to hold my hand and talk to me, it took the focus off how high up we were.The views were absolutly breathtaking,and I was like a kid in a candy store. Don't let the lipgloss and Mabellen fool you I am an outdoors girl all the way. To me this would be my on my list of top 10 date get-a-ways. I stood as much as I could and as close as I could to the edge of this ledge. The view down from it made me nauseous but it was still a site to see. 214 stairs down and 214 back, there is a first time for everything and this was my very first waterfall at Blackwater Falls. I could not believe how amazing this was I almost cried at the site of it. I had my friend take a picture of me and it looks just like a postcard. I didn't even seem like I was standing in front of this beautiful expression of nature.After all the days activities we had dinner an headed for the sauna to rest our wery bones. At this point every bone in my body hurt and we still had to horseback ride the next day. On our way to the pool area about 12-14 deer gather outside the hotel doors. It was so nice to see them so up close and personal but on this night I actually got to feed one. Another guest has some peanuts and gave me a couple, I held out my hand and they came right up ate them.I would like to give a special shoot out to Shammie,Midnight, Spot and Ledgend our Horses who took such good care of us.
I was so exciting to come and so sad at the same time. We had to come home to the daily grind. You can tell life is very simple in WV. The closest movie theater was 35 miles away. There was not a McDonald's, bill collector, noisy neighbor or anything that could stress us in site. We were 3295 feet up on this mountain and I will admit, it felt good to just be in the moment.
Here is the last picture we took the brakes were starting to smoke from coming down the mountain so we had to stop and give them a rest.

I could not resist I had to take this picture, just because I like plays on words. I know it's raunchy but it was funny to me.
I can't wait to go back, next time I hope you can join me.

This Just In...

Slave:
Pronunciation: 'slAv
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English sclave, from Anglo-French or Medieval Latin; Anglo-French esclave, from Medieval Latin sclavus, from Sclavus Slavic; from the frequent enslavement of Slavs in central Europe during the early Middle Ages
1 : a person held in servitude as the chattel of another
2 : one that is completely subservient to a dominating influence
Now many of you may think I am giving you a moment in black history but that is not the case today. There are so many times in life where we feel trapped and can't find the light at the end of the dark tunnel. We become so lost and immersed in a reprobate state of living that the probability of making it out seems nil.

Reprobate:
1 : to condemn strongly as unworthy, unacceptable, or evil
2 : to foreordain to damnation
3 : to refuse to accept

The devil will back you up in a corner and trick you into believing that you are unworthy. We humans can be a bit slow on the uptake and not realize the power of mind control. When your mind is under arrest your body will follow and the whole objective is to kill you. It may not mean you will be taken from this earth and It may not come quick...But it will happen in one form or another.

Crucify
1 : to put to death by nailing or binding the wrists or hands and feet to a cross
2 : to destroy the power of : MORTIFY
3 a : to treat cruelly

Have you ever torn yourself up, down and sideways about certain things? Do you place the bar so high for yourself that when you don't reach them it seems like the end of the world? Are you the host of all host when it come to throwing pity parties? Everyone is invited but they don't really wants to come...They may not say it but they are thinking it.
I have breaking news just in folks!!!! We are not perfect and if we were what would we need God for? I think sometimes we forget that it was Jesus that was nailed to the cross and that he died for our sins so that we could have a better shot at this thing called life. Did you know the moment your repent in your heart it's forgiven and thought of no more...Even if we do it over and over again. God knows your heart and he sees and feels everything. If he can forgive you, then you can forgive you. That's Love.

Set Backs: Genesis 37,39,40,50...read about Joseph and what God did for him.
As I write He moves me to keep on striving. I just want to be drawn near to him and find favor in his sight.
This may not be for everyone because everyone does not believe BUT.
If anything I wrote helps then by all means be my guest. I wrote this for someone I care very much about, I love him reguardless and want nothing but the best. We all have a past and we all have vices but God still loves us and so do I.

Knowing when...

I have learned when to bow out gracefully. I just realized my time was up with him and that even though it's painful, it had to be done. He called and called and called and I avoided. Every time the phone rang my tummy would knot into little balls of hurt, frustration, passion, anger and love. I could not find the words anymore. I know that they are there I guess I am tired of the whole up and down. One day was good and the next I am guessing.

My childhood friend saw us together and said "Wow you two are really a beautiful couple, I can see the love between you two" My heart could have just broken in two right there. I just said thanks he's a sweet guy and moved the conversation in another direction. I will admit in my mind I was saying..."Too bad we are over".
I look back now and laugh because he was the one wondering if and when he would be replaced. He really believed that I move in a direction away from us, but when it was all said and done he was the one that left long before I did, I just verbally ended it. I know I am not the end all of all women and I hope that whoever he ends up with loves him and cares for him just as much as I did.
Even though his actions hurt,I still love him and wish him well. I know that I am not in control of any situation and that God is the only one who has the last say. My friends are more hurt than I am and are offering all their wonderful support and advice. I guess they really wanted this one to go "All the Way". I continue to tell them that It just was not in the cards this time but I have not given up on love.


He used to tell me to continue to pray and believe in the things that God has shown me, that's all fine and well but what good is it when you’re the only one praying? I know it states that when 2 or more touch and agree God will surely move. If we are not on the same page where does that leave us? Where else is there to go from here? Is there anything more to say? What more could possibly be said?  They like all the comforts that a relationship brings, yet don't want to put in the work. I can't allow myself to be taken for a ride. The average women wants the kids and the hubby, the home and a dog. There is the percentage of women who could care less and more power to them. But the average woman waits for that day. I am thankful to God that I am not so tarnished by failed relations to know that something wonderful will happen one day.

This brings me to my last comment on this blog. I am human and it still effects me in a very emotional way.

I know that he's actions took a shot at my confidence and had me second guessing myself. Note it was not him, but his actions. I knew I did not want to act like a jealous 15yr old and the thought of all that was spinning in my head and heart was causing me to stress out. The thought of what he was doing and where he was and who he could be with was just too much. I had to make a clean break because what I was doing was so mentally unhealthy. The booty call he got at 1:30 in the morning,  as I lie right there beside him and my heart was sinking as it rang out into the night. He never budged to acknowledge it or whoever it was that was on the other line that I was there and it was inappropriate...Or was it?
I guess it wasn't...that is why I had to bow out gracefully with some of my dignity in tact.
To be continued...

DCRCC and Me

Ok so I finished my training to become a counselor. I must say It turned out to be more like a therapy and healing process for myself and many others. I know that God laid it on my heart to be there for others in there time of need and I guess this is my way of paying it forward. I remember in my times of need the countless people who were there for me as well as others in the same situation. I remember when I felt very alone, confused and scared and not knowing what resources I had. The thing that gets me the most about this training is that all the women there were incredible in there own way. There was no cat fights or dirty looks, we knew training was a place of safe space. You were free to vent, cry and ask plenty of questions.

Sexual violence is not a welcome act and I really wish more men and young men could go through this training. I know It would provide them with tools on how to deal with these situations that target mainly women and children but don't exclude them either. Men can be and are targeted but a larger percent are women and children. I was very happy to sit for a session with the representatives of "Men Can Stop Rape". I really believe that this organization is a wonderful place for men to learn about sexual violence.

I can say I made some pretty amazing friends @ DCRCC and I know that my calling is to be of some assistance for the littlest survivors. I pray that God give me the strength and guidance to get through my term of service and that I will be able to pass on some of the love and compassion I received when I was going through.
Please feel free to visit the websites to learn more.

http://www.mencanstoprape.org/

http://www.dcrcc.org/home.htm

On a Quest to find Where I Misplaced Myself.

So I had drama on the job, and what`s messed up was it came from someone I cared about dearly, I think I attract it. I think I attract people who like drama and men who have major issues or fear commitment. I sometimes think I am a resting place for them, they get there use and move on. The problem for me is I end up holding the empty bag. I can admit I find it hard to say no or stop. I will also admit I used to resent it when my mother would say "You let people run over you". I guess I didn`t want to be viewed as weak or flawed, but I have come to know we all are in some way or the other.

I also know I have a problem...I will totally disconnect with people once they piss me off. I will cut them off like the grass and hope they wither and die...Ok that was real extra and dramatic. No I don`t hope that, it just seemed silly to say at the moment. I guess I have a morbid sick dry humor side, and guess I am the only one laughing.
I also know I don`t say exactly what I am feeling, I will just harbor feelings of silent rage and bitch about it in my mind. I guess I don`t want to be viewed as confrontational or argumentative.

There is no part of me that likes to fight,but I know I need to express how I feel and be honest. I guess I also don`t want to come off as a total bitch either, I am tired and yes I am complaining today. The volunteer training I am doing is turning into therapy and I think I may need to check my own self in. I started this as a way for me to give back and I see that my own tainted childhood has never been completely worked out.
It has forced me to examine who I am as a person and why I interact with people the way I do. This training and self-discovery is very painful at times but I know it has always been in my heart to continue to give of myself. I asked Jamar to tell me the things about myself that he sees. My ability to be a little bit selfish,stubborn and unable to forgive.

I see the selfish part in my as the Girl/Woman who just didn`t get It and I mean It as in anything I may have wanted no matter how nice I was. I did`nt understand that some people will use you because your so open and eager to please. I didn`t realize it`s ok to say I need this or I want this. I now realize in some and or most of my relationships I exhibit some of this selfishness. I want what I want cause I feel like I deserve it. I pout, or demand in many verbal and non-verbal ways.
I know I need to work on this.

Being stubborn can have it`s pros and cons. My stubbornness is not to budge when folks do me or others wrong. If you have treated me or anyone else In a way that is mean,cold,hurtful,disrespectful,demeaning or degrading way...You get an F in my book officially put yourself on my list and most folks never come from that. You are cast out of my life because I view you as harmful and not of good character. Feeling like that scares me away from people I feel like they have potential to do it again if they have done it before. I don`t stick around to find out of they just made a human error of bad judgment, I have already branded them as "BAD PEOPLE".

I think somewhere deep down I knew some of these things,but I really believe that speaking the truth is very freeing. I need to ease up and stop beating myself up about things that I can`t change...At least I can`t change today. I really do Thanks God for the wonderful women who are now in my life, I know now what true friendship is, they love me in spite of my flaws, call me out when I am wrong and support me in whatever direction my life takes me and remind me to not give up on my talents.
I am feeling so very Thankful right now for self-discovery.