Creat me A new

Jackson was christened on August 17th, 2008
I was so emotional that day because I felt like I was giving my child away in a sense. I was happy and excited that I was finally doing this, I want my child to have a blessed life. I was happy and sad for Jamar, he was able to be there but not allowed to participate. The church frowns on having children out of wedlock and because Jamar has never been supportive of me he had to be excluded. Lord I know I am a work in progress and I pray that God will work all things out for the good.

Wash of Emotions after Hugs and Kisses

I feel like I am really being tested. Everette came and it was so nice to have what seemed like a family exist for just a few days. Everette has always said he wishes Jackson was his son and I know he is hurt that I went back to Jamar. If I never gave Jamar a chance my little precious baby would not be here. Sure Jamar made a fool of me and tossed me to the wind,but I gained a beautiful child. I will admit it felt so wonderful to lie in his arms (hell anyones arms,lol) and have him squeeze me. It felt so good to see how he and Jackson played together. I soaked up all the kisses and hugs and I replay them in my mind over and over again. I missed having that kind of contact with a man. He is the first man to touch me since Jamar a year and a half of nothing until Everette came. Just to have him touch me and hold me as I sobbed, I felt like such a dork. I was so scared and excited all at the same time to have him wrap his huge arms around me. I asked God to protect my flesh each and every time and sure enough God showed up and showed out. My test right now is to trust him with everything.
I admit I get so lonely sometimes and my only physical contact is my son. Everette is not here to hold me, and I don't know any other guys. Being celibate is the hardest when I feel the loneliest. I ask God all the time to protect me and hide me and he is nothing short of a miracle. I am trying my best to get past the hurt of all the things Jamar has done. Sometimes I cry, like now because I feel like he trapped me. Pick me up and then body slamed me not once but once too many times. I struggle to sometimes not cry at least once a day. I pray and ask God to take this hurt away but It won't leave my being soon enough. Why is that? People suggest that time will heal and to let go,believe me I am trying. I am trying my best to not throw tantrums and drink myself sick. Every time I look at my beautiful son I stop. I don't want to question God but I feel like I am moving and standing still sometimes. I wish I felt safe, I wish my faith was stronger, I wish this hurt away, I wish Everette lived closer, I wish I could just get over it. Jamar is so good at being robotic, he can go from hot to cold in 2 seconds flat and not miss a beat. I like you today and tomorrow I won't. I was mean to Jamar the other day and initially I was not sorry about it. I really had to search my heart and ask God to forgive me. Sometimes I don't want to be nice, or cordial. Most of the time I just want to be left alone. I wish I could just ball up and disappear. Sometimes I wonder if being celibate is worth it,what am I doing? Where am I going? What is to become of me. How can I pick others up and I can't even do it for myself. I have tiny moments of happiness peeking out of a dark shell. Jackson is my happiness, he is everything to me and I am grateful for him.


Lateefah and Zasia stayed with us for a week and now that they are gone I feel alone again. I insisted she stay because it was good for the both of us. Jackson had a playmate and I could care for my friend all at the same time. Jackson cried so long and hard after Zasia left, I felt so bad for the little guy. My boo bah missed his friend. I know exactly how he felt.

Virginia Beach

So I was able to take the kids to Virginia Beach and we had a great time. It was Jackson's first time and I could tell he had a ball. My lil baby got a little tan,played with his cousins and ate sand. I picked up my old camera and took some shots but I did not realize the film I had was black and white. I took 2 of Jackson with my camera phone. One shows his little tan and the other is him relaxing in my chair.

The kids had a ball and I am so happy that they did. It's so improtant to me that my kiddies have pleasent times. I know my youth did not have a lot of good times so being able to see the joy on there faces means the world to me.

Kanyeezy Has Done it Again...I Love Him

Excited

So Larry left and I miss him and so does Jackson. He was such a great help to me and a shoulder to cry on and a good ear. I was able to go out and relax while he was here and that felt so good Jackson and Larry even made me breakfast. He came in the nick of time because it was right on the heels of the confrontation Jamar and I had. I realize now I can't change him but I can change me. He almost cost me an orientation with his personal drama. All of the foolishness could have been avoided by not allowing his behavior to get to me.

I have a plan now and I am sticking to it. I have my focus and I am asking God to keep me grounded. In all things I must remember Christ. So with that said Everette will be here next week and initially he was supposed to stay with Jackson and I but the Holy Spirit says no. I am excited but I have stand firm on God's path for me and I can't mess that up at all. I had no worries with Larry because he is my good friend and there was nothing going on at all in the romance department. It was cool because he slept in my room and Jackson and I slept in his, we had a cool roommate for a couple of days.

Jackson's Christening was so emotional for me, I felt like I was giving my baby away, but for a good reason. I was when you think about it, I gave him to God and now I have to order my steps in God's word. I want my son to have a blessed life and I pray that I am there every step of the way. My closest friends and family were there. I am so proud to have them share in that moment. So many exciting things have happened and will happen and I am feeling so thankful. Larry came,Jackson got Christened,and I will be working at my dream job before the year is over. Let the praises go up and the blessings come down.

Chasing Pavments

Chasing Pavements Video

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping pt2

Talked to Everette last night, it was late. I really don't want to put myself out there only to be crushed again. I have finally gotten to a point where I am smiling again. I will not lie and pretend I am happy but I am trying to put forth more smiles than tears. My trust in men has been shattered by my son's father, Everette wants to restore it but he is human and it's possible for him to fail too.

Is there such a thing as true honest love out there. I never thought of myself as a complicated chick, I just appreciate someone who needs and craves commitment, consistency and stability in there life. I look at my son and I am trying to keep that going for his sake. I will never change my position on 2 parent homes. I think you make the sacrifice for yourself and the ones you care about. I learned long ago there is nothing out in the world for me. I am trying so hard to live in the spiritual world but I won't lie the devil is busy.

The devil loves when I lose my cool, he loves when I question my celibacy. Is Everette the one? He has expressed over and over again how much he always wanted us to be a family and Jackson should be his son. I know because he loves me, he loves my son but I am so afraid to take the chance. In a way him being in Texas is good, no temptation to do wrong. I am really going to have to pray for guidance and protection when he comes up to visit. I am so excited I am bursting at the seams, I can't wait to see him again. I broke his heart and I know leaving him for Jamar has done damage. I love him but not like I loved Jamar.

Will you Dance with me...

To this song? I love it. So beautiful and I feel so sexy when I hear it, makes me think of good time with the one I was in love with.

04 - Anthony David - Words Ft. India Arie - The Red Clay Chronicles from http://girlpoet.vox.com/

Tired but I Can't Sleep

Just drove 5 hours back home and Jackson is fast asleep. He is really a rider, my road buddy. You know mama got get places to get things done for his future. I pray that all that I am doing now and in the future pays off for him. So my brakes are shot and I won't accept any money from my friend. I just need his ear and a shoulder. The gas got cut off because I always have to wait on BD for a late check. I guess that's how he sticks it to me. No worries it won't be long and he won't be able to strees me out anymore.

So Micah and I are done, funny we never got off the ground thanks to Jamar. I finally got the nerve to talk to a guy after a year and a half. He is the 2nd guy I have met for this year and no luck. At least he kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. The last man I kissed was Jamar,wow I remember it was February 2007 and I have not had ANY contact with ANY man since. I could probably claim virgin status now. I am still afraid to try, I want to because I get lonley and because I practice abstainence I lead a pretty pathetic life. I heard single mothers get very little one on one attention,were too busy taking care of anyone else.

Jackson and I have been staying with my boy and it's been cool. There was no gas to bath,boil water for Jackson's food and he was there. I am enjoying the company and the help with Jackson, God knows I get so tired. I know I need to go to the doctor but I feel like moost of them are full of crap. I'll just wait untill I fall out because I don't have time to be wasting time. I will say I am feeling the love and caring and great conversation. Jackson loves all the space and who could blame him, i don't know If we will ever go home,lol.

Jamar is living his happy comfortable life and I am trying to do the same. I envy him in some ways. He has the ability to share himself sexually with no conscience. I wish I could be that way sometimes, I will admit I miss being touched. I have to pray that God protect me and my flesh. I so want to be obediant so I have to ask for a hedge of protection all the time. It gets hard when you just want to be held, kissed, and told something sweet like I miss you. Anywho I hope I get to be loved on soon before my time to do anything is pretty much gone. I'll just love on Jackson for now. As a matter of fact let me do that now...good night.

My Booba

Looks like someone is having a bad hair day, what happened son?



Jackson get out of the window!

I don't care what you say I said no Jackson!

Ok I forgive you, thanks for the kiss.

After Tonight

This is a sweet and beautiful song, I love it plus he's cute.

Slipping out of my Hands

So I meet a really nice guy and things were going fine until. My son's father started butting his nose in my buisness and drove my nice guy away. For the first time in a year and a half someone kissed me on the cheeck and held my hand. I got my first hug and it felt so good to be held but my nice guy did not want the BS that came along with me.

I waited so long to build up the courage to even talk to a man and now my ex has ruined it. I don't know if I will ever be able to get to that place again.

His First Steps

Jackson took his first 2 steps all on his own at 1:11 am.

Breathing Easy

So I am praying for trust and strength. As I ask God protection for my child I am asking for myself as well. Eventually I will let him go with his father for a slight extended stay soon. I will do it in my time with no pressure from anyone. I have to stand my ground now in my life because people will run a muck if you let them. When you don't stand your ground you end up consenting to things you're not comfortable with.

So I am feeling a little relieved that I will have a friend here to help me and the baby. Finally someone who cares enough about me to help me on a regular basis. I am looking forward to having a man...yes a man talk to me and do things with me and the baby. I am looking forward to things getting done around the house. I am hoping he come before I have to go to the hospital. I have been feeling so sick lately and the headaches don't go away. I can't afford to be hospitalized with a young baby, I would miss him way too much. I can't wait until my friend comes, I am looking forward to experiencing what it feels like to be a 3 some. It's crazy that he wants to take us on and recognizes I need a friend. I can't make it seem like my mother and girlfriends have not been a good source of support,they have been awesome to Jackson and I.

Why should I raise Jackson alone if I don't have to? Finally a man who wants to be a part of our little family unit. I am looking forward to making the adjustment and a visual routine for my son. I must admit I am very excited.

So my money is funny and the thought of that is a bit stressful right now, I need the fall to roll around so I can bring some ends in. Depending on Jackson's father sucks because I have to wait on him. Everything is late every month because of it. I hope to be on my feet soon, I hate having to lug Jackson and myself when stuff gets cut off. God is going to work it all out and I thank him for giving me patience.

My headache is subsiding and I feel a bit better, I guess unloading did it. You know what would be really good right now a good tight hug and a cuddle. I have become so used to holding and cuddling Jackson I realized just now I want one too lol. Everette called today, I was too busy to call him back I wonder what he will say next. It's nice to be missed and loved and I wonder sometimes if he is the guy for me for us. Daydreaming is a good distraction when things are crazy,it's like a little get away.

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping

5:00 am
So it's been 8 years since we met that faithful night. I was scared and I did not know what to expect. We pick up and leave off like we never missed a beat. I miss how safe you make me feel about things. You wanted a family with me, you wish my son was your son,damn. What do I say to that, I have no words just feelings. I am too afraid to hope so I won't. I will be content and happy I am feeling again but that is as far as it goes.

There are so many memories, I enjoyed talking about them this morning I;m sure we missed some. It's only been an 30 minutes since we got off the phone and I miss the sound of your voice already. It's been so long since I talked to a man better yet a man who has feelings for me. It feels good to have that time to look forward to. Were so far apart how is this going to work. I don't know what were trying to do. I have to make the right decision. Thank you for the unexpected but very welcome phone call,I'm smiling can you see.

P.S. I miss you too

Wham Make It Big

I was so in love with Andrew Ridgley back in the day. George was and will always be a cutie pie but Andrew could get it. This is my favorite video of the 80's.

My First Commercial

Wow I thought this was buried away but I found it, my first commercial. I guess I need to ask them for the full version.


http://www.carousel30.com/film_anntaylor.asp

"I Am Ann Taylor" (Spec Spot)
We were invited to create this spot for Ann Taylor's "I Am Ann Taylor," that commemorated their 50th anniversary. All post-production was completed by Carousel30.

Please contact us for a link to view the full video
or to receive our DVD Reel.

Sick Flow

I love Ursula Rucker and her flow is so crazy. I remember buying The Roots CD and this poem was at the end. Her voice is sweet yet commanding and her ability to deliver is phenomenal. If I ever had to die and come back as a poet I would want to come back as Ursula Rucker.

This poem resignates with my life so much I guess that is why I was drawn to her. As a former rape hotline counciler I heard this story over and over again. I continue to pray for the women and children who are survivors.

Stars

I love this song so much. I can't say that it is my favorite but I love the lyrics.