Totally Bored Out of my Mind

What Kind Of Lover Are You?

You Scored a 77% which means you are a ....

 

Sincere Lover. You are such a total sweetheart people have a hard time taking you seriously. Sadly, because you are so sincere and sweet you get walked all over. Try to hold your ground a little bit and beware of the selfish lover. The feed off of sincere lovers like yourself. Even though you get used and abused a lot you still have a heart of gold.

What kind of lover are you
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Stern but fare

You are very stern. Your way is "Work first play latter" and for your younger kids "Study First Play Later". But you let your kids do MOSTLY what they want as long as you approve of it and of course AFTER work do there homework!

What kind of Christian are you? Your Result: You Are An Evangelical   You believe that salvation is by grace through faith. That each element is indispensible in bringing a man/woman to salvation. You tend to interpet the bible as it was written and do not seek to add to or take away from its meaning based on your own theology
You Are A Protestant
You Are A Catholic
You Are A Pentacostal
What kind of Christian are you? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude You've got lots of it - and you love to give it A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Kind Of Women's Shoe Are You?

Some Nerve

I was going to vent on this blog, but I just realized it was not even worth my energy.

Where is Camp Lo?

Flesh of my Flesh

So my mother got a call from a long lost friend. I was happy to hear that they talked and the possibility of them rekindling there friendship looks promising. She asked my mother is my son was my biological son or did I adopt. About 5 years ago that statement would have stung but I am in a different place now. No longer am I the barren one and from my womb I was able to give life.

My son is absolutely perfect and beautiful in every way.

And we danced the night away

We danced so long and so hard I think I sweat off all my M.A.C.

This was the first time we ever danced together and I must say Mr. Jackson you can hold your own. He's so big and tall I felt like a little pea trying to get my groove on with him. The DJ was on point and the crowd was live. I had to take me shoes off at one point and it was all for free. You always have the best time for free.

The Biggest Blessings

Sometimes out of the biggest hurt come the biggest blessing. I look at my son and I fall in love a little more each and everyday. God is a provider and a conqueror, he's a friend and a protector in your time of fear. Everything I have asked for he has provided and I am so humbled by his mercy. Out of the struggle and tough times I ask him to hide me in his bosom.

What a Blast and I am so Over It (My random ramblings)

Jackson's party was a blast, the kids loved it all and I am so happy. I really wanted them to have a day full of fun and go home tired as all get out. The Moon Bounce was awesome the face painting the pinata and all the delicious food. So many of Jackson's friends and family came out to show him love and It was good to see everyone having a wonderful time. I am absolutely pooped, I could really use a deep tissue full body massage. I had to breakdown the Moon Bounce, haul the heavy cooler, break down the tables, return the bounce, drop Jessica off and finally make it home. What was supposed to go from 12-6 ended at 10 in the evening. Folks just kept coming in and we were more than happy to have them. I will not do that again for a long while.

Some of my folks ask how I do it alone and I just say that's what you do for your kids. I am a single mother and this is my life right now, I pray that Jackson and I can add more to our little family but for not it's just us. It's so sad things did not work out with Jamar and I but hey such is life, and Jackson is sad to see him go when he's with his dad. He's a baby so he won't have to remember and he will get used to seeing his daddy separately. I even videotaped his tantrums when Jamar leaves. It hurts me to see Jackson do that but that is the reality of our lives. He'll get over it.It's not something I ever wanted to get used to but it is my life and I am dedicated to get over it. I pray that I still know how to be dainty and delicate when need be when I get involved again.Hauling and lifting, throwing parties, moving, raising kids,juggling life it can really wash some of that delicate flower away. I want to get it back for my sake and my son's sake.

I am raising Male 2.0 because 1.0 and 1.5 had some system failures, I am not saying all is lost on those models but only God can make that work. I pray that one day Jackson never sits back and lets everyone else bust a sweat while he does nothing...unless he's THE BOSS,lol. I say all that to say my uncles saw my butt breaking down all that crap and never lifted a hand. My body still hurts...massage anyone? Ok I am off track about the party, my folks really did it up. I so needed some clothing for lil bit and people just somehow knew. He got a Leap Frog and a cool jacket from his loving Godfather. How good is God and Godfathers, that jacket was right on time. His little blue one was so small on him. His Godfather wants to buy him a much needed car seat but I said no, they do so much already. I am going to try and get a I have been talking to God and praising him so much lately.

My mother says he knows my heart and he has been listening to me, I have to get past the hurt and trust issues a little bit more but I feel like the Transformer Optomis Prime. So now that the party is done I need to focus on passing this math test. I hate math because I am intimidated by it,but I need this job and school for myself and my son. I miss being able to pay my bills on time or not feel guilty about buying something for myself. I have to do this, I am scared but I have to pass this test. Ok I am so over this blog see you on the next one. Enjoy the pictures of the party.

Birthday Parties and a Stiff Drink

So I need a stiff one because I am so stressed out. I have just about everything I need but there are always loose ends. I got so mad today with Jackson's father because he's so selfish. He had the nerve to buy himself a Eddie Bauer booster seat for Jackson. Why would I be mad..Jackson is with me 95% of the time and I can't afford the proper seat right now. You son will barely sit in that seat as much as he sits in my car.

I have to shack it off and know that God will see us through. I am hoping that someone will be kind and give a gift card so I can purchase one for him. My job search is so pathetic and I know because of God I am able to pull off this party. My mother is such a tremendous help and Nicci is an angel. Both of them got Jackson some clothes for winter but I still need to get some other essentials. I am so excited to be able to have a party for my baby, he's such a blessing. He does wonders for a bad mood.

So it's late and I need to do the last running around, I'll have a stiff one and take my tooshie to bed.

Happy Birthday Jackson

At 9:20 AM you came into this world healthy and strong. Happy Birthday Jackson, I love you so much and I thank God for you.

Feeling the hatred

I sometimes wonder why Jamar hates me so much. I wonder why he has an incessant need to control things. If I say no he says nay and so the cycle continues. I put in place a fair visitation arrangement and instead of going with the flow he balked at it and added his personal revisions, it just has to be his way. Needless to say I am holding firm on this and I pray God give me strength. I have to always work a plan that works for me. He crushed my dreams and then expects me to be a team player,please. I will never get used to dividing my sons time with him, it's unnatural and awkward for me. I feel sad for men who think it's ok to have divided families especially when they never put forth the effort to keep one together. I asked for correspondence via text or email and he still called making visitation requests a day before scheduling.

He was full of anger and hate for me and you could almost feel it coming through the phone. I just wanted to end the call as soon as possible he cause me great anxiety and I am a mess when he's done with me. Once I got off the phone I called Walter, Jackson's godfather; I just needed him to listen and perhaps help. I could not hold it anymore and I broke down and cried as soon as we hung up. How did I allow him to talk rude to me and why did I even pick up the phone? Unfortunately my son will feel the hate he has for me and there is nothing I can do about it. My son will never get to see his biological father be good to his mother and that hurts. As a woman and a mother I feel like I have failed myself and my child. I don't hate Jamar and in spite of all that has and has not done to me, I want to believe there is a heart somewhere buried deep down inside of him. I still love him but I don't love how he has treated me. Feeling worse and worse everyday, I only have energy for my son other than that I am dead.

I pray that I live to see my son live a full life. Between the stress that Jamar adds to the slow decay of my body I can't be sure of anything. I am in so much pain and I feel like just cutting out my lower half. Since Jamar gave me the OB said I am now more at risk for all others. We are all venerable but he has heightened my chances. It doesn't matter because my body is all messed up from the pregnancy and according to Jamar my breast look like utters. What man will have that, I am disgusting. Why would he do this to me, all I did was love him. He has left me over and over again and like a fool in love I took him back. I really believed in him, in us and a future together. As for Everette it is so effortless to love me and want a family and he wanted to sacrifice but I was in love with Jamar. I question if I made the right choice in leaving Jamar but Jackson would grow up think it is ok to not cherish women,I need him to respect me and the kind of young man I would like for him to be. I wish he loved me as opposed to hating me. I am trying to remember who I was, I wish I could remember how to have a good time. I feel so lost.

I look forward to each morning with Jackson because he starts his day of with a smile and keeps me grounded.

Creat me A new

Jackson was christened on August 17th, 2008
I was so emotional that day because I felt like I was giving my child away in a sense. I was happy and excited that I was finally doing this, I want my child to have a blessed life. I was happy and sad for Jamar, he was able to be there but not allowed to participate. The church frowns on having children out of wedlock and because Jamar has never been supportive of me he had to be excluded. Lord I know I am a work in progress and I pray that God will work all things out for the good.

Wash of Emotions after Hugs and Kisses

I feel like I am really being tested. Everette came and it was so nice to have what seemed like a family exist for just a few days. Everette has always said he wishes Jackson was his son and I know he is hurt that I went back to Jamar. If I never gave Jamar a chance my little precious baby would not be here. Sure Jamar made a fool of me and tossed me to the wind,but I gained a beautiful child. I will admit it felt so wonderful to lie in his arms (hell anyones arms,lol) and have him squeeze me. It felt so good to see how he and Jackson played together. I soaked up all the kisses and hugs and I replay them in my mind over and over again. I missed having that kind of contact with a man. He is the first man to touch me since Jamar a year and a half of nothing until Everette came. Just to have him touch me and hold me as I sobbed, I felt like such a dork. I was so scared and excited all at the same time to have him wrap his huge arms around me. I asked God to protect my flesh each and every time and sure enough God showed up and showed out. My test right now is to trust him with everything.
I admit I get so lonely sometimes and my only physical contact is my son. Everette is not here to hold me, and I don't know any other guys. Being celibate is the hardest when I feel the loneliest. I ask God all the time to protect me and hide me and he is nothing short of a miracle. I am trying my best to get past the hurt of all the things Jamar has done. Sometimes I cry, like now because I feel like he trapped me. Pick me up and then body slamed me not once but once too many times. I struggle to sometimes not cry at least once a day. I pray and ask God to take this hurt away but It won't leave my being soon enough. Why is that? People suggest that time will heal and to let go,believe me I am trying. I am trying my best to not throw tantrums and drink myself sick. Every time I look at my beautiful son I stop. I don't want to question God but I feel like I am moving and standing still sometimes. I wish I felt safe, I wish my faith was stronger, I wish this hurt away, I wish Everette lived closer, I wish I could just get over it. Jamar is so good at being robotic, he can go from hot to cold in 2 seconds flat and not miss a beat. I like you today and tomorrow I won't. I was mean to Jamar the other day and initially I was not sorry about it. I really had to search my heart and ask God to forgive me. Sometimes I don't want to be nice, or cordial. Most of the time I just want to be left alone. I wish I could just ball up and disappear. Sometimes I wonder if being celibate is worth it,what am I doing? Where am I going? What is to become of me. How can I pick others up and I can't even do it for myself. I have tiny moments of happiness peeking out of a dark shell. Jackson is my happiness, he is everything to me and I am grateful for him.


Lateefah and Zasia stayed with us for a week and now that they are gone I feel alone again. I insisted she stay because it was good for the both of us. Jackson had a playmate and I could care for my friend all at the same time. Jackson cried so long and hard after Zasia left, I felt so bad for the little guy. My boo bah missed his friend. I know exactly how he felt.

Virginia Beach

So I was able to take the kids to Virginia Beach and we had a great time. It was Jackson's first time and I could tell he had a ball. My lil baby got a little tan,played with his cousins and ate sand. I picked up my old camera and took some shots but I did not realize the film I had was black and white. I took 2 of Jackson with my camera phone. One shows his little tan and the other is him relaxing in my chair.

The kids had a ball and I am so happy that they did. It's so improtant to me that my kiddies have pleasent times. I know my youth did not have a lot of good times so being able to see the joy on there faces means the world to me.

Kanyeezy Has Done it Again...I Love Him

Excited

So Larry left and I miss him and so does Jackson. He was such a great help to me and a shoulder to cry on and a good ear. I was able to go out and relax while he was here and that felt so good Jackson and Larry even made me breakfast. He came in the nick of time because it was right on the heels of the confrontation Jamar and I had. I realize now I can't change him but I can change me. He almost cost me an orientation with his personal drama. All of the foolishness could have been avoided by not allowing his behavior to get to me.

I have a plan now and I am sticking to it. I have my focus and I am asking God to keep me grounded. In all things I must remember Christ. So with that said Everette will be here next week and initially he was supposed to stay with Jackson and I but the Holy Spirit says no. I am excited but I have stand firm on God's path for me and I can't mess that up at all. I had no worries with Larry because he is my good friend and there was nothing going on at all in the romance department. It was cool because he slept in my room and Jackson and I slept in his, we had a cool roommate for a couple of days.

Jackson's Christening was so emotional for me, I felt like I was giving my baby away, but for a good reason. I was when you think about it, I gave him to God and now I have to order my steps in God's word. I want my son to have a blessed life and I pray that I am there every step of the way. My closest friends and family were there. I am so proud to have them share in that moment. So many exciting things have happened and will happen and I am feeling so thankful. Larry came,Jackson got Christened,and I will be working at my dream job before the year is over. Let the praises go up and the blessings come down.

Chasing Pavments

Chasing Pavements Video

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping pt2

Talked to Everette last night, it was late. I really don't want to put myself out there only to be crushed again. I have finally gotten to a point where I am smiling again. I will not lie and pretend I am happy but I am trying to put forth more smiles than tears. My trust in men has been shattered by my son's father, Everette wants to restore it but he is human and it's possible for him to fail too.

Is there such a thing as true honest love out there. I never thought of myself as a complicated chick, I just appreciate someone who needs and craves commitment, consistency and stability in there life. I look at my son and I am trying to keep that going for his sake. I will never change my position on 2 parent homes. I think you make the sacrifice for yourself and the ones you care about. I learned long ago there is nothing out in the world for me. I am trying so hard to live in the spiritual world but I won't lie the devil is busy.

The devil loves when I lose my cool, he loves when I question my celibacy. Is Everette the one? He has expressed over and over again how much he always wanted us to be a family and Jackson should be his son. I know because he loves me, he loves my son but I am so afraid to take the chance. In a way him being in Texas is good, no temptation to do wrong. I am really going to have to pray for guidance and protection when he comes up to visit. I am so excited I am bursting at the seams, I can't wait to see him again. I broke his heart and I know leaving him for Jamar has done damage. I love him but not like I loved Jamar.

Will you Dance with me...

To this song? I love it. So beautiful and I feel so sexy when I hear it, makes me think of good time with the one I was in love with.

04 - Anthony David - Words Ft. India Arie - The Red Clay Chronicles from http://girlpoet.vox.com/

Tired but I Can't Sleep

Just drove 5 hours back home and Jackson is fast asleep. He is really a rider, my road buddy. You know mama got get places to get things done for his future. I pray that all that I am doing now and in the future pays off for him. So my brakes are shot and I won't accept any money from my friend. I just need his ear and a shoulder. The gas got cut off because I always have to wait on BD for a late check. I guess that's how he sticks it to me. No worries it won't be long and he won't be able to strees me out anymore.

So Micah and I are done, funny we never got off the ground thanks to Jamar. I finally got the nerve to talk to a guy after a year and a half. He is the 2nd guy I have met for this year and no luck. At least he kissed me on the cheek and held my hand. The last man I kissed was Jamar,wow I remember it was February 2007 and I have not had ANY contact with ANY man since. I could probably claim virgin status now. I am still afraid to try, I want to because I get lonley and because I practice abstainence I lead a pretty pathetic life. I heard single mothers get very little one on one attention,were too busy taking care of anyone else.

Jackson and I have been staying with my boy and it's been cool. There was no gas to bath,boil water for Jackson's food and he was there. I am enjoying the company and the help with Jackson, God knows I get so tired. I know I need to go to the doctor but I feel like moost of them are full of crap. I'll just wait untill I fall out because I don't have time to be wasting time. I will say I am feeling the love and caring and great conversation. Jackson loves all the space and who could blame him, i don't know If we will ever go home,lol.

Jamar is living his happy comfortable life and I am trying to do the same. I envy him in some ways. He has the ability to share himself sexually with no conscience. I wish I could be that way sometimes, I will admit I miss being touched. I have to pray that God protect me and my flesh. I so want to be obediant so I have to ask for a hedge of protection all the time. It gets hard when you just want to be held, kissed, and told something sweet like I miss you. Anywho I hope I get to be loved on soon before my time to do anything is pretty much gone. I'll just love on Jackson for now. As a matter of fact let me do that now...good night.

My Booba

Looks like someone is having a bad hair day, what happened son?



Jackson get out of the window!

I don't care what you say I said no Jackson!

Ok I forgive you, thanks for the kiss.

After Tonight

This is a sweet and beautiful song, I love it plus he's cute.

Slipping out of my Hands

So I meet a really nice guy and things were going fine until. My son's father started butting his nose in my buisness and drove my nice guy away. For the first time in a year and a half someone kissed me on the cheeck and held my hand. I got my first hug and it felt so good to be held but my nice guy did not want the BS that came along with me.

I waited so long to build up the courage to even talk to a man and now my ex has ruined it. I don't know if I will ever be able to get to that place again.

His First Steps

Jackson took his first 2 steps all on his own at 1:11 am.

Breathing Easy

So I am praying for trust and strength. As I ask God protection for my child I am asking for myself as well. Eventually I will let him go with his father for a slight extended stay soon. I will do it in my time with no pressure from anyone. I have to stand my ground now in my life because people will run a muck if you let them. When you don't stand your ground you end up consenting to things you're not comfortable with.

So I am feeling a little relieved that I will have a friend here to help me and the baby. Finally someone who cares enough about me to help me on a regular basis. I am looking forward to having a man...yes a man talk to me and do things with me and the baby. I am looking forward to things getting done around the house. I am hoping he come before I have to go to the hospital. I have been feeling so sick lately and the headaches don't go away. I can't afford to be hospitalized with a young baby, I would miss him way too much. I can't wait until my friend comes, I am looking forward to experiencing what it feels like to be a 3 some. It's crazy that he wants to take us on and recognizes I need a friend. I can't make it seem like my mother and girlfriends have not been a good source of support,they have been awesome to Jackson and I.

Why should I raise Jackson alone if I don't have to? Finally a man who wants to be a part of our little family unit. I am looking forward to making the adjustment and a visual routine for my son. I must admit I am very excited.

So my money is funny and the thought of that is a bit stressful right now, I need the fall to roll around so I can bring some ends in. Depending on Jackson's father sucks because I have to wait on him. Everything is late every month because of it. I hope to be on my feet soon, I hate having to lug Jackson and myself when stuff gets cut off. God is going to work it all out and I thank him for giving me patience.

My headache is subsiding and I feel a bit better, I guess unloading did it. You know what would be really good right now a good tight hug and a cuddle. I have become so used to holding and cuddling Jackson I realized just now I want one too lol. Everette called today, I was too busy to call him back I wonder what he will say next. It's nice to be missed and loved and I wonder sometimes if he is the guy for me for us. Daydreaming is a good distraction when things are crazy,it's like a little get away.

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping

5:00 am
So it's been 8 years since we met that faithful night. I was scared and I did not know what to expect. We pick up and leave off like we never missed a beat. I miss how safe you make me feel about things. You wanted a family with me, you wish my son was your son,damn. What do I say to that, I have no words just feelings. I am too afraid to hope so I won't. I will be content and happy I am feeling again but that is as far as it goes.

There are so many memories, I enjoyed talking about them this morning I;m sure we missed some. It's only been an 30 minutes since we got off the phone and I miss the sound of your voice already. It's been so long since I talked to a man better yet a man who has feelings for me. It feels good to have that time to look forward to. Were so far apart how is this going to work. I don't know what were trying to do. I have to make the right decision. Thank you for the unexpected but very welcome phone call,I'm smiling can you see.

P.S. I miss you too

Wham Make It Big

I was so in love with Andrew Ridgley back in the day. George was and will always be a cutie pie but Andrew could get it. This is my favorite video of the 80's.

My First Commercial

Wow I thought this was buried away but I found it, my first commercial. I guess I need to ask them for the full version.


http://www.carousel30.com/film_anntaylor.asp

"I Am Ann Taylor" (Spec Spot)
We were invited to create this spot for Ann Taylor's "I Am Ann Taylor," that commemorated their 50th anniversary. All post-production was completed by Carousel30.

Please contact us for a link to view the full video
or to receive our DVD Reel.

Sick Flow

I love Ursula Rucker and her flow is so crazy. I remember buying The Roots CD and this poem was at the end. Her voice is sweet yet commanding and her ability to deliver is phenomenal. If I ever had to die and come back as a poet I would want to come back as Ursula Rucker.

This poem resignates with my life so much I guess that is why I was drawn to her. As a former rape hotline counciler I heard this story over and over again. I continue to pray for the women and children who are survivors.

Stars

I love this song so much. I can't say that it is my favorite but I love the lyrics.

Hey Lover

I remember this song back in the day summertime. Everyone had there boyfriend or girlfriend bunned up. All I can say Is this song brings back some good memories. Almost wants to make you run out and find a boo,lol.

One Day

God I am seeking you, asking you to keep me and hold me, I feel like I am slipping away. If only I could be like the moon,maybe one day.

Soulmate

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,if there's a soulmate for everyone...

Soulmate Video

Thumps and Bumps

Jackson is so curious,so much so he fell of the bed. He went right through the bars and all I saw was tiny feet going over. I called to him several times and each time he came back but the one time I was not looking he went for it and decided to bolt. I think he was more scared than he was hurt. He flip through the bars and landed on the carpet. He cried a bit and no sooner than I picked him up and loved on him,he was ready to go again.

After he daddy left tonight,he was playing on the ground and lost his balance. He has a little bump over his eye now like a little boxer. I tried to kiss it but he was too upset. He is fast asleep now and I am going to tie things up and retire myself. Got to get my camera and video fixed so I can capture all his moments.

Pain

I don't want to go to the doctor anymore. I don't want to hear what they have to say. I don't have the time and frankly I am burnt out. If I die I die, I am going to work on getting all my affairs in order. I have a toothache I have a headache I have a lifeache. YUCK Rhymes with F$&#.

Yippy Yuckity Yuck Poo Poo

So I went of my first cruise,well The Spirit Of Washington Cruise. I was so happy to be out for the first time in over a year. I had my first drink and got to dance and have a little fun. My mother was so nice to watch Jackson for me. It was a last minute thing and she came through for me like she always does. I hate to seem like there is always a negative but it was. Both of my friends were there with there husbands and it seemed like everyone was coupled up. I am always the third wheel nowadays. I know she was just being nice and trying to make me feel good by giving me kudos. She was like Jackie you are good, I was never a single mother and it's such hard work I don't know how you do it. I don't even know how to eat at a normal pace anymore,much less sleep. Ah the life as a single parent,my son is my joy so I take it one day at a time.

There were a couple of single guys there to dance with but hell I decided to dance by myself. I was so lonely, I keep asking God to hold me and take the loneliness away. I came home and took a long shower and cried myself to sleep. If it were not for Jackson I would have offed myself already. I hate living right now, I pray that I get past these dark feelings. I hate thinking bad thoughts and wishing I could disappear. Jackson stares at me with a concerned bewildered look when I cry. I hate crying in front of him but I get so down sometimes. Mother's day is going to suck ass so I plan on just shutting my son and myself away in my apartment. I will never get a first Mother's day back but I am sure it will suck anyway much like my life. I am sure my girlfriends will be with there husbands and boyfriends getting kind words,flowers,hugs and kisses...me nothing. It won't be what I dreamed about so it's just as well to hide in my room.

I wish I can ball myself up like paper and throw myself in the trash but for now I will just ball up in a closet and play with Jackson there. He's closet is big enough for the both of us. When I was little I used to hide in the closet because it made me feel safe. God help me live another day,give me strength,dry my tears,give me peace, I don't want to die. I hate that my son has to see his mommy so bad, it's like me all over again. I would watch my mother cry and I would be there looking at her helpless trying to find something good to say. I remember one morning I was on my way out to school and she was in the sitting at the table drinking rat poison. She was yelling at me,crying for me to leave and go to school. I begged to stay with her, I did not want her to leave me. She was and is all I have and I still am so scared of losing her. I have always felt so alone already and to lose her would be devastating.

Jackson is about to have his first tooth so I am counting down the days. He has a tiny little nub pushing through and he is using it. He is about to walk soon and I can't take it. He is growing up right before my eyes and It was just the other day he was a wee little thing. The best part of Jackson is he is so happy and well adjusted, I still feel like in many ways I have failed him for the future. All I can do is just love him and care for him the best way I possibly can. He does wonders when your feeling low,even Nicci says when she holds him and is around him she feels no pain.

So the night Jamar brought up my rape, I started to think about it and relive it. I thought about calling the hot line and seeking some help but the fear and pain of it all consumed me too much for me to dial. Ever since that day I think about that guy. I don't know what he looks like, I know he was black and had a scary voice. He stole my drivers licence and I remember being scared about leaving and coming home,thanks God I have moved. I meet Jamar later that year and did my best to push past it. I was thankful to be able to have Jamar hold me in the middle of the night because most of the time I was scared I just hid it very well. Sometimes when I spent the night at Jamar's he would come to bed later on and sometimes I would try to stay up because I was afraid. Even in his house my rapist would give me nightmares. When Jamar asked me why didn't I fight back? I felt like all the life was drained out of me when he asked that. I wish I could have but when someone overpowers you,you feel helpless and defenseless and angry after it's over. They rob you of the opportunity to say yes or no. They steal your body and you feel very violated and I wish it never happened.

I hate not having any money, I can't even buy my mother a Mother's Day gift. I plan on telling her thank you. She just wants me to be ok and I dare not tell her how I am really feeling. I don't know how she raised us day to day alone with no man in the house. I know I have a hard time so I can imaging what she went thouth. Kudos to single mother's. Jackson I sleeping now so I am going to try and get somethings done even thought it's almost 1 am.

Finally

DNA confirms IDs of czar's children, ending mystery By MIKE ECKEL, Associated Press Writer
Wed Apr 30, 7:20 PM ET



MOSCOW - For nine decades after Bolshevik executioners gunned down Czar Nicholas II and his family, there were no traces of the remains of Crown Prince Alexei, the hemophiliac heir to Russia's throne.

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Some said the delicate 13-year-old had somehow survived and escaped; others believed his bones were lost in Russia's vastness, buried in secret amid fear and chaos as the country lurched into civil war.

Now an official says DNA tests have solved the mystery by identifying bone shards found in a forest as those of Alexei and his sister, Grand Duchess Maria.

The remains of their parents — Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra — and three siblings, including the czar's youngest daughter, Anastasia, were unearthed in 1991 and reburied in the imperial resting place in St. Petersburg. The Russian Orthodox Church made all seven of them saints in 2000.

Despite the earlier discoveries and ceremonies, the absence of Alexei's and Maria's remains gnawed at descendants of the Romanov dynasty, history buffs and royalists. Even if Wednesday's announcement is confirmed and widely accepted, many descendants of the royal family are unlikely to be fully assuaged; they seek formal "rehabilitation" by the government.

"The tragedy of the czar's family will only end when the family is declared victims of political repression," said German Lukyanov, a lawyer for royal descendants.

Nicholas abdicated in 1917 as revolutionary fervor swept Russia, and he and his family were detained. They were shot by a firing squad on July 17, 1918, in the basement of the Yekaterinburg house where they were being held.

Rumors persisted that some of the family had survived and escaped. Claims by women to be Anastasia were particularly prominent, although there were also pretenders to Alexei's and Maria's identities.

"It was 99.9 percent clear they had all been killed; now with these shards, it's 100 percent," said Nadia Kizenko, a Russian scholar at the University at Albany, State University of New York. "Those who regret this news will be those who liked the royal pretender myth."

Alexei was one of the more compelling of the victims, drawing sympathy because of his hemophilia. His mother's terror of the disease and fear that he would not live to gain the throne were key to her falling under the thrall of the hypnotic and sexually ravenous self-declared holy man Rasputin, who exerted vast influence on the royal family.

Researchers unearthed the bone shards last summer in a forest near Yekaterinburg, where the royal family was killed, and enlisted Russian and U.S. laboratories to conduct DNA tests.

Eduard Rossel, governor of the region 900 miles east of Moscow, said tests done by a U.S. laboratory had identified the shards as those of Alexei and Maria.

"This has confirmed that indeed it is the children," he said. "We have now found the entire family."

"The main genetic laboratory in the United States has concluded its work with a full confirmation of our own laboratories' work," Rossel said.

He did not specify the laboratory, but a genetic research team working at the University of Massachusetts Medical School has been involved in the process. Evgeny Rogaev, who headed the team that tested the remains in Moscow and at the medical school in Worcester, Mass., was called into the case by the Russian Federation Prosecutor's Office.

He told The Associated Press on Wednesday that he delivered the results to Russian authorities, but said it was up to the prosecutor's office — not him or his team — to disclose the findings.

"The most difficult work is done and we have delivered to them our expert analysis, but we are still working," he said. "Scientifically, we want to make the most complete investigation possible."

The test results were based on analysis of mitochondrial DNA, the genetic material passed down only from mothers to children. That DNA is more stable than nuclear DNA — the material inherited from the father's side — especially when remains are badly damaged.

In this case, the bone fragments were so shattered and burned that Rogaev's team first had to determine whether enough uncontaminated genetic material still existed for testing.

The delicate work proved that, indeed, useful DNA could be extracted from a very small amount of the material — a critical fact, since they wanted to preserve as much of the bone fragments as possible out of respect for the victims.

The researchers also compared DNA from the remains with those of Empress Alexandra, who was a granddaughter of Britain's Queen Victoria and a distant relative of Prince Philip, the husband of Queen Elizabeth II.

With the mitochondrial analysis completed, the team is working on the nuclear DNA analysis and comparing the samples to paternal relatives of the czar's family.

That information, along with conclusions already delivered to the Russian prosecutors, eventually will be submitted to a professional journal for peer review and publication.

It was unclear if the Russian Orthodox Church will recognize them as genuine. The church's press service said no one could comment on Wednesday's announcement.

It was also unclear whether the descendents of the royal family would accept the identification. Lukyanov said neither he nor his clients had received confirmation.

Lukyanov's efforts to get the government to declare the royal family victims of political repression have been repeatedly rejected by Russian courts, which have said the family's killing was premeditated murder, not a political reprisal.

He said Russia had much to do to overcome its tortured past.

"They say that as long as the last soldier remains unburied, the war continues," Lukyanov told AP. "So long as the last victim of Bolshevik terror and the Communist regime remains unrehabilitiated, the repression will continue."

Atlantic City

So I don't gamble but the hotel/resort is really nice. I went down to play the slots and could only bring myself to play 15 dollars. I never really got into the hype of the slots,plus my baby needs clothes. I would rather spend my money on that anyway I figure it more fun anyway. I can't sleep and I don't know how tomorrow is going to go. Jackson took forever to go to bed and folks wonder why I am always tired. He is a handful and with him trying to crawl and walk and pull everything down it's a mess. I had to tap his little legs today because he is getting to be a bit unruly. Nothing hard but enough for him to know who is boss. He is determined to have his way and it can't always be that way. Next thing you know he will be falling out in public and I can't have that. I have to be both stern and gentle,it's so much work but without any day to day help it can't be any other way. I have about 4 to 6 gray hairs that are present in the front of my head. I guess life and stress is rearing it's ugly head. I will take this time in AC to try and relax. The weather is crummy and cold which suck big time. I'll drive to NY tomorrow to look for clothes for my son and see if I can splurge 13 bucks on what I used to call toenails.

I can't wait to see Larry, it's been a minute since we have been able to see each other. I can't wait, I got to wear something fly,cause I know he will have something sweet to say. When I think about it,he always says something sweet and I could look bummy. I am glad I got away, I was really feeling low,still do but at least I am out of the house. I think I am going to distance my feelings from Everette again,even though he is far away I don't have it in me to trust. Darly (my 2nd Ex) wants to as he says "heal together". I can't get with him now because he is like my brother now. He wants to love me and protect me but I don't love him that way anymore. It hurts and feels good all at the same time to know someone wants to cherish me. My son is my focus, I am not meant to have the love I dreamed about. Some dreams never come true and I am beginning to accept that. I need to get away more often, my shoulders are so tight. I hope I will be able to go to Canaan Valley this summer,take the kids and really chill out. Ok AC I am going to try and catch some ZZZ's.

Duke Ellington Gala Trailer

Golden and Dreams of Yesterday

I will never know what it would be like to experience marriage. I always dreamed that it would be a very emotional day full of rejoicing. I know I will never know, I have not said it out loud but I know I will not happen.

I used to daydream about who my husband would be to me and making that step toward a lifelong commitment. To love,honor and cherish, I knew I would be excited because he would be my friend until the end. My partner with whom I would share everything. I hear songs and think about how nice it would be. I would visualize the day and the goings on. The show of it all is not important to me,the commitment is. Even though I want nice things a simple ring would do me just fine.
269@Walmart I think it is pretty...hey I can dream. Now I think about how I can make other peoples dreams come true. I still wonder what a lot of things would be like but now I am a full time mother,with no full time help from the father. I used to think I was special. Now I am what you call a babymamma. I never thought I would hold that title but I do. My ex's who some I am still close with are so dissappointed in my and how I got caught up. I get tired of explaining to people that I never intended to end up this way. It takes 2 and I was the only one trying to make things work. But like the song says " I can't make you love me" Unfortunatly I thought he did have some love for me,but I was wrong. Like Whitney's song "It's not right but it's ok" What can you do but dream.

Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting forever

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman can possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Golden
Golden
oh oh my
Golden
Golden love
Cause commitment is golden
Mmm mmm

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

So I got a 50 dollar ticket today and my left side mirror on my van got clear smashed off. Was I bad today GOD? How am I going to get the funds to pay for this?

What Black Women Are Talking About...

So this guy posed the question and I answered. We women talk and these are the things that bug us about our brothas. Some of the things I listed are the things that my girlfriends and associates have experienced while dating black men. I don't think all black men are bad but I am not alone with some of the issues I have so I know It's not just me. Will I take this guy up on his challenge? Probably not, I am too messed up to even think about trying again. I have a child and have absolutely 0 time anyway so he was SOL from the start. I hope he finds someone,if there are any takers I will pass on his email.

On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
From the experiences you had from the black men, I think you, and other ladies who have unfortunately found themselves in the situation you have found yourself in, have a reason to be hiding. Now, I do not say this to brag, or to sound "elitist", but I think there is two breeds of black men; there are those of us who will do nothing better than just…use their wiles to get to you, and eventually leave you with the baby.

The other breed is of real/aspiring gentlemen, who think that family is the greatest thing that God can give them, who do not want to see their sons grow without fathers, without role models, without getting all the good things in life that two people, a father and a mother, who love each other to death, and who have no intention of getting divorced, because they can work things out for the sake of themselves and their kid(s), can achieve. I think I am firmly in the second group, and I like to think that I have goals in life; things I want to achieve, and they do not include not taking care of my kids. I think I have certain goals to achieve, and I am passionate about them. I want to believe that I am in the second category of the…two "breeds". But I am glad that you did leave, because if you did not see a future in the relationship, then sometimes getting out before the whole house is on fire is critical.


Now, regarding the things you talked about: I will tick my experiences/status against some of the things you did raise:
Babymamma Drama: None. Never married, no kids. I will have some, some day.
No job I currently have one. I work as a Community Support Specialist, for a Non-Profit.
No brain Would like to think I have one. Actually, I am fairly smartJ
No affection Hmmm…
No direction Girl, my next stop, is a PhD. You don't get a PhD if you intend to become a layabout
No religion Raised Christian; very spiritual; attend church occasionally
DL I am straight as a first century Roman Road.
Crazy Ex's None. If I did have any, they would be across the ocean, in Kenya.
STD's Clean as a whistle
Allergic to commitment Me? No. No way. That is what I am looking for.
Mamma's Boys Don't know if I can be described that way. She's 11k miles away anyhow
Poor performance in the bedroom - I am not sure about this. Don't have ratings…
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to stand on) = Really?



I respect, and appreciate everything you shared here today. I think we cannot all be dismissed, or made to pay the price of the mistakes of a few losers. Because I know that there are winners out here, and if you do actually stop to smell the roses, you will get the good scent. I know men have not always treated women as well as they should, especially "brothers", but again, I think race is a geographical divide. Sometimes I think the way African American men treat women is completely despicable. I am not going to use the fact that I am African to make a case for suggesting that I would treat women different, I just know I would. Because it is about honor. About dignity. About doing the right thing.



Now, please prove me wrong, by allowing yourself to meet someone who is different. Me. Would you accept the challenge? Not necessary to start a relationship, but I do think you would be a great person to know.



Have a great evening.



Steve.



On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing back! I just wanted to briefly acknowledge your email, and tell you that I appreciate very, very much:) your taking the time to write. You raise good points; right now I must run, but I will definitely be writing back to you later today. Have a wonderful day!

Steve.


We are all hiding from black men,lol. I think there
are some good guys out there BUT...they are far and
few between.

I thought I met a nice guy right on craigslist in
05,we just had a son in 07. He seemed nice until times
got rough and so I left him. Black women are craving a
man with some balls and the backbone to hold them up.
Most of the time brotha get the tight face because we
are sooooooooooooooooo tired of there BS. I am a
babymamma but I don't tolerate drama but some women
have to deal with:


Babymamma Drama
No job
No brain
No affection
No direction
No religion
DL
Crazy Ex's
STD's
Allergic to commitment
Mamma's Boys
Poor performance in the bedroom
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to
stand on)

I could go on and on,no wonder women buy vibrators and
date outside there race or there become lesbeiens. I can say all this because I
am a sister. I love black men just not the BS. I have
dated outside my race and I can say I was treated
better, the only thing is there will never be the
connection we share.
Ok I am off my soapbox, but I know I am smart,very
attractive,loving ,hardworking along with all my
girlfriends and they all agree with everything I just
said.

Ok I am done now...hope you find someone.

Turandot@Washington National Opera

Turandot is my all time favorite Opera. I pray I am able to go to this next year. I have been waiting for this to come back to DC for like 5 years. I HAVE TO SEE THIS,even If I have to take myself...which that would be utterly pathetic. My luck that is how it will turn out.



Turandot
Composed by Giacomo Puccini

Libretto by Giuseppe Adami and Renato Simoni

May 16, 19, 21, 24m, 27, 30, June 1, 4, 2009

Sung in Italian with English supertitles

The legendary beauty Princess Turandot poses three riddles to her potential suitors only to behead them with one wrong answer. She meets her match in Calaf, the mysterious prince who risks his head to win her heart. Puccini’s final opera, celebrated for its tapestry of soaring melodies and rich orchestration, features the beloved aria “Nessun dorma.”



Maria Guleghina (May 16, 19, 21, 24m, 27), Princess Turandot

Sylvie Valayre (May 30, Jun 1, 4), Princess Turandot

Darío Volonté* (May 16, 19, 21, 24m), Calaf

Franco Farina (May 27, 30, Jun 1, 4), Calaf

Sabina Cvilak (May 16, 19, 21, 24m), Liù
Maija Kovalevska* (May 27, 30, Jun 1, 4), Liù
Morris Robinson, Timur

Keri-Lynn Wilson*, Conductor
Andrei Serban*, Director

Production from Royal Opera House Covent Garden

Human

An in depth discussion on relationships this clearly exposes how lust, deception and sexual self-gratification ultimately destroys both, the individual and their relationships. Also other choices which can ruin a person.



I hate the place I am in emotionally and the pain that accompanies it. Everyday I try my best to not cry,to not allow my circumstance to dictate my emotions...but sometimes it gets the best of me. I know how I got to this place but it seems like I am caught in a maze that has no end. I find myself frustrated,angry because right now it feels like there is no escape. I always viewed myself as a kind and loving person. I always felt like I tried to live myself "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". My course of action is to always right my wrongs and humble myself when I have not lived up to God's expectation of me. I consider myself to be responsible for the people I care about as they would care for me.

I don't want to leave this earth with a legacy of broken people. It is my duty as a child of God to repair any hurt I have caused to any of his other children. When we do wrong we must ask for forgiveness and try to correct past behaviors so that a hurtful path is not one we continue to travel. I know that I have hurt people and people have hurt me but the true testimony to God's grace was that there was healing in the forgiveness toward each other. There was no budging until I knew in my heart that the person had changed and they were truly sorry. I felt the sincerity in the apology and they wanted nothing more than to start over again. (RP If you are reading this your sincerity reached my heart, I am glad to say I feel safe with you again)

It made me feel safe to at least open up the lines communication. I was so hurt by there behavior toward me that I pulled out of our friendship completely. Once God moved it was possible to talk. As a survivor of abuse I understand that I was never taught how to identify when people were not treating me with kindness. I was always vulnerable a walking open wound,and so I  was a easy target. I misplaced my trust and ended up hurt so many times so the way I chose to cope was to shut down. That was my way of hurting people,I would totally cut them out of my life. I would cease all communication and make sure I was no longer someone they could hurt again. As a survivor you start to get tired of abuse and you find a way to cope,for me it is total isolation. I have also learned in this journey that people are not perfect and they make mistakes, I can accept that what's hard accept is not correcting the behavior. Now unless your just clueless you should know at some point what is destructive and what is healthy. What will enhance your life and what will leave you stuck.

I am still a student, I am still learning what is healthy. Right now I am trying to learn how to feel safe with people again. Once I realized Jamar was not concerned about me,my health,my feelings, my life;I found myself in a world of hurt. All my dreams,everything I worked so hard to overcome was snuffed out in a years time. I had finally got to a place where my life was happy and had direction. I felt good about me but slowly things feel apart. I had a man who lustfully looked at my cousin right in front of me, It made me feel like I was not good enough for him. When I was pregnant he never comforted me, I struggled physically emotionally and mentally during what was supposed to be the best time of out lives. He never fought for us which only exacerbated my deflated spirit.

I am human and I too go to God and ask for forgivness for my actions. I find that sometimes saying nothing still gets me in troulble because I am trying to hold back my frustration. I am still trying to control my heartache. I understand holding it in is not healthy but I have yet to find an effective way deal with my feelings. I do know that I am trying to heal and that outside entities sometimes effect that process. I pray that I can live in peace and not be afraid of...

Poem I found online

We'll go on, after you,
Without you we'll go on,
Though something beautiful inside
Us all has turned to stone.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you through the years
Of pain and raw bewilderment
And brutal, angry tears.

We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will heal,
Though love may labor in the heart
And joy the loss conceal.

We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will grow
Together as a family
That you will never know.

We'll go on, after you,
Without you life goes on,
But neither hope nor happiness
Undoes what you have done.

Ramblings

Talked to Everett, he left me a really sweet mushy note. He has never been one to show that side of him so it was nice. I was nice to be wanted and cared for. He asked about Jackson and said he was going to move us to be with him. I ain't going anywhere unless there is a ring and a minister involved...oh and love would help too.

Have not been feeling my best since giving birth, I have been putting off going to the doctor for a while. Tugging in my abdomen,shifting,tired,scared. I got to live for my son so I need to find out what is wrong with me.

No money,landlord pressing me out, I am so stressed out,not ready to go back to work,need to,will before the year is up. I wish I could stay home and raise my son for a little while longer,feeling sad,want to cry.

Moving was the worst,I had my friends help in the end but it sucked. I moved boxes on a pulley with one had and pushed my son with the other sometimes at 3 am in the morning.I could not leave him alone,would not so he came with me...he was such a trooper. My friends,Ex,Uncle,you all get a shout out from me,thanks for being there.
In the end I like where I live,but long to be in a house somewhere in DC.

So cutie has not called me, I guess no tail means they bail. Dang he was cute,oh well don't want to sin again, so I guess I will just have to be single. Tired of repenting so I just won't sin, but would love for someone to hold my hand once in a while. Someone to watch a movie with or just take a walk. Love is free.

I wonder if he kills me where would he leave my body? How will he do it,pray that my son does not see it happen. So many young mothers being murdered,I want to live. Don't trust,living afraid sometimes. I got to keep praying for protection because he hates me. I have my own conspiracy theory I will discuss later.

I am sad but I may have to give up breastfeeding. Never had the help or time to successfully do it. I had to look for a place, then move to the new place along with no sleep. It seemed like there was something after the other. I look back and I have been going since I gave birth,time flew by so fast.

Tired but this is my only free time to just sit and do nothing or everything. Who knew me, a single mother. I enjoy being a mother and am starting to accept that I am one of millions doing the same things.

In love

I am so in love with my son,he is the best part of everyday. I watch him sleep and anticipate when he will wake up,just to be with him. He is such a happy baby and I live to love him,protect him,nurture him ,guide him,pray with him and for him and try my best to give him everything I never had. I pray I can give him the life I always dreamed of. He is perfect in every way and I am so happy to be his mommy.

I always knew love,but the love I have for him is a fierce and sacrificial love. I would give my life for him and I pray that I am around to see him through life. I pray that I can provide him a life of happiness,spirituality,adventure,love,morals and confidence. I pray for him every chance I get,I am so in love with my son.

Dating

So I met this guy, He older,very good looking,has his own buisness and I am afraid to date him. I am afraid to date period just because I am in a different place mentally. I have been abstinent for over a year and it feel dang good. I asked God to bless me and I promised to be obedient. Don't get me wrong I can't wait for the day that I can share myself with my HUSBAND,but until then I'm too fly to just give it up to anyone. I long for intimacy with a man that goes beyond the bedroom.

I think sleeping around with any ole body is dirty and can lead to all kinds of things that are not good for the mind,body and soul. What happens when you tell a guy there wil be no sex? For me I don't get a call back. Here I am trying to live right and I get left in the dust. I don't worry about it but it does not make you feel good when your phone does not ring. All I really want is some good conversation, you know the kind where you REALLY can TRY and get to know someone.

I admit I get lonley, I want love and affection like anyone else I am only human. I mean when I think about it I have been alone for almost a year and a half. I was in a relationship but I was still alone. I pray that whoever if ever I get involved with
really wants to be my friend as well as my lover. Someone who I can pray for and pray with. Someone who has God at the center of his life. I know I am not perfect so I am not looking for perfection,just someone God knows is perfect for me.

So the new fine guy, I guess we shall see how this goes. New beginings for the new year. Celebacy, a really nice new home THANK YOU JESUS!! It's perfect. A better ride, and the best blessing of all Jackson.

Father God bless my heart,heal my heart so that I may be all you want me to be.


http://www.puritansermons.com/sermons/griffin1.htm

Ashamed...

I can't even bring myself to write about the turn my life has taken. I am really alone in my thoughts and I hold it in. I hold it in and blow like a top when face to face with the source. I am ashamed and long to be free. I don't apologize for my feelings there mine and until I can heal, I own them.

I understand what God wants for me, I understand it all,but I am still human. I still hurt like anyone else. All I can do is just ask for strength and forgiveness when I allow my flesh to dictate my actions. All I can do is cry out to him when I can't get a handle on things. I am human and I hurt just like anyone else and all I can do Is cry out to my God. Help me Lord to be healed,Lord I am seeking freedom and courage. I am seeking your face in all I do,even when I fall short, I asking you to pick my up.

ANGRY!!!

Yes I am owning that feeling lately. I don't want it but I can't seem to shake it. I try to stay prayerful but sometimes I just get angry. I spent a great deal of my life just letting things go. People would say and do things and I would never deal with it. I was never taught to deal with conflict and confrontation effectively.

I am angry,angry at you for not being who I thought you were. I am angry at myself for not seeing ahead of time. Angry for being in the positions that I put myself in,for the positions you put me in. For trusting and believing in you,for not going with my gut. For thinking you would catch me when I fell. Angry for being a statistic and you making me one and you thinking it ok for ME to be one. For not being able to move forward right now. Angry for loving you so much even thouth you never earned or or deserved it. Angry for wasting tears over you. Angry because you are not reliable and I can't trust anything you do or say. I am angry for praying and not being able to feel peace and comfort. Angry for getting physically ill when you come around or call me.Angry for falling apart when you leave. Angry for not having the guts to just beat the crap out of you or throw something. ANGRY YOU GAVE ME A STD! YOU HARMED MY LIFE AND AT THAT TIME YOUR UNBORN CHILD. ANGRY THAT YOU TREAT IT SO BLAHZAY. It's so crazy because you were hell bent on and AIDS TEST when when we first got together, and I end up with that STD from you.

I feel like I don't have any control. I ask God to forgive me,help me,give me strength but I fall short when I lose my cool. I need a healing and I need it fast. I miss who I used to be. Where am I,who am I? I am angry that you get to have a irresponsible life,you get to not care, to do whatever,whenever with whomever. I am angry that no one hold me at night. I am angry because I am afraid to be held. I am angry because I forgot what it's like to be kissed. I don't know how and where to start over, I am afraid to start over. I am afraid of doing this alone for the rest of my life. I am afraid because of you and I am angry as hell just because.

My world is shaken and I feel very robbed. I am angry because I have yet to forgive myself and In turn I can't yet forgive you. I am doing my best with what I have been given and I am doing it ALL ALONE remember that.

Where I wanna be

I never thought I would have children. I always knew I wanted a family but I after waiting so long to get involved and dealing with all the doctors who said no, God said yes. I was literally in shock when we got the news on January 20th,2007 when and how I am still in shock. I knew how but really me?,pregnant wow that was major. The next 7 months would prove to be the most trying and unforgettable time of my life. I was so sick some days I could not make it into work. I thought I was losing my mind and the depression that came with it at times consumed me so that most days it was impossible to function. I feel like he trapped me, and I was hurt and mad at myself for staying with him. Anybody but him, why did I get pregnant by him.

I sought counseling,prayer,friendship you name it I was looking for answers. I surrounded myself with people who loved me and prayed that the baby would be alright with my being sick all the time. Everything I dreamed about for my first time was pretty much taken away. It still hurts because it was not the experience I signed up for, and there is no going back. I am a very sentimental person so stolen memories don't sit well with me. If I had to do it all again, I would have done my homework on the man I got involved with. Right now I am dealing with the backlash of it all, the ex's I left behind who wanted a future with me. I have to answer hard questions about why I am in the position I am in, and how foolish I am. How I was to believe in someone who was not on the same page as me. I am not saying that I am best thing since sliced bread but from what I have been told I ain't too far off. I have always been involved with men who are excited about relationships,exploration,me,us,family,marriage,intimacy,love,Christ and sharing . I never had to ask for a compliment,kiss or hug and intimacy, it was just a given. Sharing each others lives was something we looked forward to even if we did not stay together,we enjoyed dreaming.Now I am a single mother trying to keep my head above water. My home was destroyed, I had to leave my job, everything was stripped away, all with a new little baby in tow and no help from the father.
 So many things I am juggling right now, a new baby, the fear and anxiety of having to pack up and move, no money,car problems,healthy issues, but I know God will provide. I have always taken care of myself but the stress of it all is wearing on my. I don't bother to consider my child's father to help me in any way but to give a couple of dollars here and there. I'm not his responsibility but it stings knowing that no one is taking care of me and I am tired. It has been hard. The fighting, the crying, the mourning the relationship, the struggle of still learning how to trust God completely. My hurt and anger was misplaced, I was really brokenhearted and disappointed in both of us. Our behavior was unacceptable. My ex took the liberty of allowing me to struggle, to alienate me from himself and his family. He became a stranger, someone I did not know. Or was it him all along and it was just really showing now? I was angry and disappointed that the roller coaster he had me on was named Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Who knew, certainly not me?

Now they (THE EX'S) want to know how and why I ended up in this situation, I have always been known as wifey. Some have since moved on to marry and have kids and were all still good friends. They wanted that with me, but I know marrying some of them was not my destiny. I am glad they still want the best for me and I know I will get some sort of scolding when we talk and that's ok. When they did something off back in the day It was me who let them have it, so I know it's done in love when they do it to me. Right now blank and I are just trying to make heads on what to do,actually he's waiting on me and I don't have any answers for him. I love when we slow dance in the middle of anywhere, hug just because,and talk till the sun comes up. He offers me love like I have never known yet I can't seem to return it. Why you may ask? I don't know,why now in my life did I decided to get involved with someone who is not capable of loving me or at least trying. Why did I choose hurt, why did I ignore my gut and just leave? When I did leave, he always knew how to get me back. Long suffering love on my end, hopeless romantic, or just plain foolish? To be honest with myself, I have never been taught how to be in a relationship, or deal with men. I've loved and been loved but actually I am still learning and scared. I thank God for always showing favor and placing angles all around me.

I'll admit I get lonely and having my baby close keeps me sane. He's all I have now and my life has moved in a different direction. I focus all my time and energy on being a good mother so much so sometimes I neglect myself. I don't know if it's a way to punish myself for messing up and putting my child in this position or if it's just self hate. I focus on him to keep myself for getting lonely or feeling sad because I know he loves me unconditionally and he depends on me. It feels good to be needed and wanted, and I don't take that for grated.

I know I have to take better care of myself because I have been getting sick lately and I don't want to drop the baby. I absolutely hate taking pills and It seems like every time I go to the doctor there giving me more.

Side Mind Fart
I remember my cousin saying that her child's father was not helpful and loving to her during her pregnancy. She said she did not want to have anymore kids for fear she would go through that again. I don't blame her and I thought about it myself but I pray that I have one more. I pray I can give another child the start I did not give my first.


I don't say much now, I just stay in prayer. I'm just holding it all in most of the time. I let go when I have a moment,most times when the baby and I are alone. I cry out to God for help.

Postpartum depression it the worst.

Where I wanna be...In a better place than I am now LITERALLY. HOME. HEALTH. HEART.