Captain's Log

Yes...It's 3:42 am. Jackson went down hours ago but I still have a ton of projects to finish. There is a contest at his school to win 50.00 dollars...I so need it,so instead of doing one part of the contest I am doing two. I wrote a poem and still have a couple of pictures to draw and cut out for a poster. I am still working on one essay and need to start the other for my English Composition class, not to mention read a book. I still need to go over my scales,chords and blocks, rehearse my lines for the play. Hard trying to juggle it all and be a mother at the same time but it is my life.

You would think that this snow storm has provided me ample rest and opportunity, but with children they come first. My son does not recognize that I need some time to do things for myself, he's just a baby. Even though I have so much to do for school,  my son's need to interact with me is very important. Either he wants me to dance with him to Barney or he is begging me for gwapes,lol. I only used 1 pull up today YAY!

You asked I Answer

After having my son I found it very difficult due to the fact that I has no assistance. I recall being tired and in so much pain and asked to move around way before I was physically ready. I did not say anything due to the fact that I was made to feel as if my pain was minimal when I was unknowingly in my early stages of pregnancy. I was exhausted beyond words and was dealing with incredible pain in my back. I was told, what  I was dealing with was nothing. I still worry now that people will think I am being "extra" when I am in pain, so I remain silent. I have to remind myself that is how someone who did not have my best interest treated me and that people who really care about you, will express an urgent concern. So ladies with that said...make sure you have an amazing partner and support team. I was somewhat able to rely on my friends and family and to this day I thank them. Below is so advice you can take to the bank with you.

What can I do to get my home ready for a mom recovering from a c-section?

The new mom recovering from a c-section is recovering from major abdominal surgery. Stairs are often very challenging if not altogether 'banned'. Create a space in the main area of your home for the mom to nest. In my house it was our lay-z-boy in the living room. A table should be nearby and sturdy enough to hold a few books, a telephone (whose ringer can be turned off), a big glass of water and a small plate of snacks. Make sure to have a few pillows of different sizes and shapes on hand - especially if she is breastfeeding. Pillows help the mom support her baby without putting pressure on her healing tummy. Do not expect her to cook and clean for the first few weeks. Recruit help from friends and family, but also remember that a mom recovering from a c-section needs peace and quiet. Now is not the time for her to feel like she must entertain. The sort of help you need is someone to deliver pre-cooked meals for you or whisk away your older children and shower them with some attention.

Pressing the Restart Button

So Sy and I talked yesterday, very emotional conversation. He quoted something I told him months ago that still holds hope. I thought it was sweet and I did not tell him he was wrong, but I still said good bye in a not so distant way. I care and love him very much but it is time for me to move on. We had a very beautiful intimate relationship that will probably never die in our hearts.

He made me feel beautiful inside and out. He was not a selfish lover in or out the bedroom and Lord forgive me some of the best sex I have EVER had. He is a marathon lover who took his time to please me...and in turn I wanted to do all I could to make him happy...in and out the bed room. I never usually talk about two things my son's father or sex but today I am talking about sex. Yes I broke my celibacy and I am not upset about it at all. I was celibate for a little over two years. I was with my son's father on February 16, 2007 and no one until March 14, 2009... good huh,lol. No regrets.

When a man takes the time to appreciate a woman past the physical and really wants to make her happy, he will find sexually pleasing her as a must. Women are emotional and if he doesn't stimulate the heart...it's just a f&%$. Don't get me wrong do what ya do, but in a healthy relationship there needs to be that connection.


I miss the foreplay and the extended lovemaking, tough act to follow. I am open to dating again but Sy is such a gentleman that these city boys know nothing about. Sy courted me and I felt like the bell of the ball all the time when I was with him. I won't hold a score card up every time because that's not fair but whoever "he" is better bring it. Sy is the second man I have been involved with that knew that being there for his woman was essential. Hayden was the first...he was a nut and another story. All in all that laid a wonderful foundation and set the standard for being treated well.

Photo by Baba Kuroji-Ntu Patrick

The Most Beautiful Child

Do we look alike?

You Again part 2

Even though the kiss was sweet and I was a bit hopeful...I still proceed with caution. Looks like there will be no reconnection here,sad but we seem to have bad timing. God knows what's in store and I can't be mad at that. It felt good to be kissed and kissed by him...missed EVERY SINGLE good and not so good thing about him. I love you but now I have to walk away for good. I have a son and a life I have to live free. If it is to be God will make a way.

You Again

He kissed me last night...nuff said for now. Giddy like a young girl with a crush.

Sisters

Me@ Sticky Rice

I loved the Sushi...I had the Yum,Yum...can't wait to go back.

Heart is Full

I love you more than all the words in all the books in all the world. I love you lil one and I will always be by your side. You are the best part of everyday and the rest of my life. I am doing all I can to be the best mother I can be to you. I will make mistakes sometimes,but know I always want the best for you. I will always protect and defend you. You are the best thing I have ever done with my life.

Feeling feelings of Resposibility

To love someone is to wait for them BUT you must also love yourself enough to know when to walk away! Some people think holding on to "PEOPLE" and/or "THINGS" make you strong, but very often it's letting go that STRENGTHENS you! ~Rev Run


The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. Now how do we coexist?

I have to fall in love with myself all over again. I will admit that love is attracted to me, but I have found that I am only capable of holding on to certain types of love. I am grateful for the ability to be self aware. I know what I expect,want and need out of all my relationships. I also know what I need to bring to each so that It can be successful. I will admit I have not done certain things just because and the relationship has faded, I don't know if I feel bad about that. What I do know is that I am learning everyday.

House Of Cards

Newly Elected

I was recently elected Chairman for Parent Policy at my son's school. It's like the PTA for Head Start and it's an honor to serve.

? What is it?

So my Ex called to check on  the lil one and I...yes folks...he included me. Crazy right? Left me wondering if there were explosives under my car or chickened out on the hit he put on me and the hit-man missed the cancel call,lmbo hahahahah!

I was shocked because he has NEVER done that. I wonder if he is ok?...I mean like did he need something emotionally and did not know how to ask? Even though I spit fire sometimes and bust his balls once in awhile... I will always be there if he really needed me. Usually when folks who are not readily nice or inquisitive about you have an alternate motive. I feel sad because I don't trust kind gestures from him...who knows one day maybe. What is it?

Ramblings

I just want and need to pass all my finals. I got school on the brain for spring but I need a break like yesterday. I fractured my ankle last month and now I have to have physical therapy now...in pain most of the time now .Mike is back in my life sort of...not sure how far I need and want to let him in. He cut his locks off...all off. The same beautiful locks that fell below his booty...I miss them but understand his reasons, he's still the same beautiful person inside and out. Men are so weird, I am glad I am learning self-aware because if not I would be in a world of mess. I used to be oblivious to what was going on with them but now I am starting to understand what I need and want it... makes it easier to weed out the bad ones.


Finals are coming up....Uggghhhh! I am so happy that I made it...I think. Struggling in 2 classes. I usually have no time to study....go figure I have a beautiful two year old all over me and the house wanting to play and love on me. I cussed the Ex out...ask God to forgive me, hope he hears my prayers. I don't want my transgressions to hold me back. Lord knows I try so hard to stay positive and not let him get under my skin. I love him, I just hate his attitude,somehow he has become the victim in our nonexistent relationship which is amazing to me. Insufferable!!!!

 Well I am off again but I will talk to you soon. I hope next time we talk I will have obtained some sleep.

End of the Day

Just got in 11:45pm...I need to bath my son and I and do it all over again tomorrow. It's not fair that he is up this late but it's just he and I,and Mommy has to make things work the best way she can. I pray that it pays off for the both of us. I thank God for my mother,even though she is not well, she is ALWAYS there for my son.

School was cool today but once I can get childcare for my son I can really enjoy it and get into it more. Tomorrow is a new day and I have to see about getting the gas cut back on(slumlord)..as well as the phone. I am determined to make it all work for my son and I. Have you seen my spot of joy? He is brilliant and I love him.

I Will Not Lament by AE Jones

So my girl and I have been talking about love and life. She sends me her poetry from time to time. She must have been running around in my head and heart when she cranked this one out....gotta love her. Thanks AE.

Lament



I never liked the way I fell in love with you,
real hard, too genuine.
You never knew that I fasted and prayed to God often,
most times for me and others, and sometimes for you.

Though I foresaw me getting hurt, I chose not to run.
I have always been a government of suffering
So I figured, one more hurt might finally kill me.

For me it was a blind and broken time.
I was broken and in the midst of healing I was blinded by the idea of holiness.
Be optimistic: see past external, search him for all that is good.
Be selfless: give of me and ask for nothing in return.
Be genuine: dwell in truth and fear not vulnerability.

With all guards down, the truth became too painful for me to endure.
Your rejection made me crazy.
I was angry; you weren’t supposed to see me cry.
I wanted my tears back.

(Those one hundred and fifty calls, were punch-drunk- love attempts at reparations)

All of my guiding lights seemed to disappear,
The holy path disintegrated,
and I realized
that heaven is merely a mythical place that gives those who are afraid to die
something to believe in.

My heart hurt beyond recognition, wondering
“why won’t this love shit just go away”?

I no longer need to believe in Heaven because I’m not afraid to die.
I no longer want to be holy because God isn’t.
I no longer seek love because it’s unmerciful.

It seems to be that
all of the world around you is safely in your keeping,
including your heart.
I envy that.

I’m glad to be kept at a distance both by fate and you.
I have no non-requited love remedies, nor a place of asylum,
So I drink a toast to an inevitable withdrawal.

I will not lament.
From this point on, friendship silenced,
and memories dismantled.
This leaves us each with a line that will trace back
to nothing.

What does the Future Hold?

In a funk but still functioning today. I have no choice...I am a mother lil one is sick and will probably take him to the doctor if he is not better by Tuesday. I threw up 3 times on Friday. It was not a good look because I was at a beautiful beach house and could not even enjoy it. On top of not feeling well I have a major decision about my life and the direction it will go. It hurts really bad and I hate having to do it.

I hate crying because it's so physically and emotionally draining but I could not stop the flow. Feeling very defeated, heartbroken and helpless. Sometimes we can want what we want...but it's not always best for us...or is it? I have to remember that no matter what my heart says."Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again."

Find Your Happiness and Run With It

I said that yesterday on my Facebook page. I got a lot of great responses mainly because we all need hope. I go through the highs and lows of life and I am happy that at the end of the day I am still standing.

I was feeling pretty low last week when my bank account had been on E and they closed my savings. I have been doing all I can to find work, take care of my child and try to revive the artist in myself. I am spent. It's hard to write a song with a screaming baby in your ear, hence the time this blog is being written.

I want to sing again, act again,go back to school, move, find employment, buy a home,fall in love, get married, have another child,be happy and run with it.

The things I want in life are not just for me now, but for Jackson. Doing it by myself has not been easy but I am stronger than I thought...to God be the Glory. I need for my son to see that sometimes your will not have every one's support, you can accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.

For Reals I am Tired

     This week has been so full, full of everything. I have my nephew and niece over and Jackson, a ton of fun but a bunch of work. Father's Day was amazing the kids and I had lunch and played the rest of the beautiful day. It was great being honored even though I am not a father, I just do the work of one,lol. It was also great to honor the men who really step in to help me, I really appreciate them.

 God help me,I miss my old life and I pray for the struggling families like myself affected by the crush in the economy. Recession