I remember this song back in the day summertime. Everyone had there boyfriend or girlfriend bunned up. All I can say Is this song brings back some good memories. Almost wants to make you run out and find a boo,lol.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Sunday, May 11, 2008
One Day
God I am seeking you, asking you to keep me and hold me, I feel like I am slipping away. If only I could be like the moon,maybe one day.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Thumps and Bumps
Jackson is so curious,so much so he fell of the bed. He went right through the bars and all I saw was tiny feet going over. I called to him several times and each time he came back but the one time I was not looking he went for it and decided to bolt. I think he was more scared than he was hurt. He flip through the bars and landed on the carpet. He cried a bit and no sooner than I picked him up and loved on him,he was ready to go again.
After he daddy left tonight,he was playing on the ground and lost his balance. He has a little bump over his eye now like a little boxer. I tried to kiss it but he was too upset. He is fast asleep now and I am going to tie things up and retire myself. Got to get my camera and video fixed so I can capture all his moments.
After he daddy left tonight,he was playing on the ground and lost his balance. He has a little bump over his eye now like a little boxer. I tried to kiss it but he was too upset. He is fast asleep now and I am going to tie things up and retire myself. Got to get my camera and video fixed so I can capture all his moments.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Pain
I don't want to go to the doctor anymore. I don't want to hear what they have to say. I don't have the time and frankly I am burnt out. If I die I die, I am going to work on getting all my affairs in order. I have a toothache I have a headache I have a lifeache. YUCK Rhymes with F$&#.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Yippy Yuckity Yuck Poo Poo
So I went of my first cruise,well The Spirit Of Washington Cruise. I was so happy to be out for the first time in over a year. I had my first drink and got to dance and have a little fun. My mother was so nice to watch Jackson for me. It was a last minute thing and she came through for me like she always does. I hate to seem like there is always a negative but it was. Both of my friends were there with there husbands and it seemed like everyone was coupled up. I am always the third wheel nowadays. I know she was just being nice and trying to make me feel good by giving me kudos. She was like Jackie you are good, I was never a single mother and it's such hard work I don't know how you do it. I don't even know how to eat at a normal pace anymore,much less sleep. Ah the life as a single parent,my son is my joy so I take it one day at a time.
There were a couple of single guys there to dance with but hell I decided to dance by myself. I was so lonely, I keep asking God to hold me and take the loneliness away. I came home and took a long shower and cried myself to sleep. If it were not for Jackson I would have offed myself already. I hate living right now, I pray that I get past these dark feelings. I hate thinking bad thoughts and wishing I could disappear. Jackson stares at me with a concerned bewildered look when I cry. I hate crying in front of him but I get so down sometimes. Mother's day is going to suck ass so I plan on just shutting my son and myself away in my apartment. I will never get a first Mother's day back but I am sure it will suck anyway much like my life. I am sure my girlfriends will be with there husbands and boyfriends getting kind words,flowers,hugs and kisses...me nothing. It won't be what I dreamed about so it's just as well to hide in my room.
I wish I can ball myself up like paper and throw myself in the trash but for now I will just ball up in a closet and play with Jackson there. He's closet is big enough for the both of us. When I was little I used to hide in the closet because it made me feel safe. God help me live another day,give me strength,dry my tears,give me peace, I don't want to die. I hate that my son has to see his mommy so bad, it's like me all over again. I would watch my mother cry and I would be there looking at her helpless trying to find something good to say. I remember one morning I was on my way out to school and she was in the sitting at the table drinking rat poison. She was yelling at me,crying for me to leave and go to school. I begged to stay with her, I did not want her to leave me. She was and is all I have and I still am so scared of losing her. I have always felt so alone already and to lose her would be devastating.
Jackson is about to have his first tooth so I am counting down the days. He has a tiny little nub pushing through and he is using it. He is about to walk soon and I can't take it. He is growing up right before my eyes and It was just the other day he was a wee little thing. The best part of Jackson is he is so happy and well adjusted, I still feel like in many ways I have failed him for the future. All I can do is just love him and care for him the best way I possibly can. He does wonders when your feeling low,even Nicci says when she holds him and is around him she feels no pain.
So the night Jamar brought up my rape, I started to think about it and relive it. I thought about calling the hot line and seeking some help but the fear and pain of it all consumed me too much for me to dial. Ever since that day I think about that guy. I don't know what he looks like, I know he was black and had a scary voice. He stole my drivers licence and I remember being scared about leaving and coming home,thanks God I have moved. I meet Jamar later that year and did my best to push past it. I was thankful to be able to have Jamar hold me in the middle of the night because most of the time I was scared I just hid it very well. Sometimes when I spent the night at Jamar's he would come to bed later on and sometimes I would try to stay up because I was afraid. Even in his house my rapist would give me nightmares. When Jamar asked me why didn't I fight back? I felt like all the life was drained out of me when he asked that. I wish I could have but when someone overpowers you,you feel helpless and defenseless and angry after it's over. They rob you of the opportunity to say yes or no. They steal your body and you feel very violated and I wish it never happened.
I hate not having any money, I can't even buy my mother a Mother's Day gift. I plan on telling her thank you. She just wants me to be ok and I dare not tell her how I am really feeling. I don't know how she raised us day to day alone with no man in the house. I know I have a hard time so I can imaging what she went thouth. Kudos to single mother's. Jackson I sleeping now so I am going to try and get somethings done even thought it's almost 1 am.
There were a couple of single guys there to dance with but hell I decided to dance by myself. I was so lonely, I keep asking God to hold me and take the loneliness away. I came home and took a long shower and cried myself to sleep. If it were not for Jackson I would have offed myself already. I hate living right now, I pray that I get past these dark feelings. I hate thinking bad thoughts and wishing I could disappear. Jackson stares at me with a concerned bewildered look when I cry. I hate crying in front of him but I get so down sometimes. Mother's day is going to suck ass so I plan on just shutting my son and myself away in my apartment. I will never get a first Mother's day back but I am sure it will suck anyway much like my life. I am sure my girlfriends will be with there husbands and boyfriends getting kind words,flowers,hugs and kisses...me nothing. It won't be what I dreamed about so it's just as well to hide in my room.
I wish I can ball myself up like paper and throw myself in the trash but for now I will just ball up in a closet and play with Jackson there. He's closet is big enough for the both of us. When I was little I used to hide in the closet because it made me feel safe. God help me live another day,give me strength,dry my tears,give me peace, I don't want to die. I hate that my son has to see his mommy so bad, it's like me all over again. I would watch my mother cry and I would be there looking at her helpless trying to find something good to say. I remember one morning I was on my way out to school and she was in the sitting at the table drinking rat poison. She was yelling at me,crying for me to leave and go to school. I begged to stay with her, I did not want her to leave me. She was and is all I have and I still am so scared of losing her. I have always felt so alone already and to lose her would be devastating.
Jackson is about to have his first tooth so I am counting down the days. He has a tiny little nub pushing through and he is using it. He is about to walk soon and I can't take it. He is growing up right before my eyes and It was just the other day he was a wee little thing. The best part of Jackson is he is so happy and well adjusted, I still feel like in many ways I have failed him for the future. All I can do is just love him and care for him the best way I possibly can. He does wonders when your feeling low,even Nicci says when she holds him and is around him she feels no pain.
So the night Jamar brought up my rape, I started to think about it and relive it. I thought about calling the hot line and seeking some help but the fear and pain of it all consumed me too much for me to dial. Ever since that day I think about that guy. I don't know what he looks like, I know he was black and had a scary voice. He stole my drivers licence and I remember being scared about leaving and coming home,thanks God I have moved. I meet Jamar later that year and did my best to push past it. I was thankful to be able to have Jamar hold me in the middle of the night because most of the time I was scared I just hid it very well. Sometimes when I spent the night at Jamar's he would come to bed later on and sometimes I would try to stay up because I was afraid. Even in his house my rapist would give me nightmares. When Jamar asked me why didn't I fight back? I felt like all the life was drained out of me when he asked that. I wish I could have but when someone overpowers you,you feel helpless and defenseless and angry after it's over. They rob you of the opportunity to say yes or no. They steal your body and you feel very violated and I wish it never happened.
I hate not having any money, I can't even buy my mother a Mother's Day gift. I plan on telling her thank you. She just wants me to be ok and I dare not tell her how I am really feeling. I don't know how she raised us day to day alone with no man in the house. I know I have a hard time so I can imaging what she went thouth. Kudos to single mother's. Jackson I sleeping now so I am going to try and get somethings done even thought it's almost 1 am.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Finally
DNA confirms IDs of czar's children, ending mystery By MIKE ECKEL, Associated Press Writer
Wed Apr 30, 7:20 PM ET
MOSCOW - For nine decades after Bolshevik executioners gunned down Czar Nicholas II and his family, there were no traces of the remains of Crown Prince Alexei, the hemophiliac heir to Russia's throne.
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Some said the delicate 13-year-old had somehow survived and escaped; others believed his bones were lost in Russia's vastness, buried in secret amid fear and chaos as the country lurched into civil war.
Now an official says DNA tests have solved the mystery by identifying bone shards found in a forest as those of Alexei and his sister, Grand Duchess Maria.
The remains of their parents — Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra — and three siblings, including the czar's youngest daughter, Anastasia, were unearthed in 1991 and reburied in the imperial resting place in St. Petersburg. The Russian Orthodox Church made all seven of them saints in 2000.
Despite the earlier discoveries and ceremonies, the absence of Alexei's and Maria's remains gnawed at descendants of the Romanov dynasty, history buffs and royalists. Even if Wednesday's announcement is confirmed and widely accepted, many descendants of the royal family are unlikely to be fully assuaged; they seek formal "rehabilitation" by the government.
"The tragedy of the czar's family will only end when the family is declared victims of political repression," said German Lukyanov, a lawyer for royal descendants.
Nicholas abdicated in 1917 as revolutionary fervor swept Russia, and he and his family were detained. They were shot by a firing squad on July 17, 1918, in the basement of the Yekaterinburg house where they were being held.
Rumors persisted that some of the family had survived and escaped. Claims by women to be Anastasia were particularly prominent, although there were also pretenders to Alexei's and Maria's identities.
"It was 99.9 percent clear they had all been killed; now with these shards, it's 100 percent," said Nadia Kizenko, a Russian scholar at the University at Albany, State University of New York. "Those who regret this news will be those who liked the royal pretender myth."
Alexei was one of the more compelling of the victims, drawing sympathy because of his hemophilia. His mother's terror of the disease and fear that he would not live to gain the throne were key to her falling under the thrall of the hypnotic and sexually ravenous self-declared holy man Rasputin, who exerted vast influence on the royal family.
Researchers unearthed the bone shards last summer in a forest near Yekaterinburg, where the royal family was killed, and enlisted Russian and U.S. laboratories to conduct DNA tests.
Eduard Rossel, governor of the region 900 miles east of Moscow, said tests done by a U.S. laboratory had identified the shards as those of Alexei and Maria.
"This has confirmed that indeed it is the children," he said. "We have now found the entire family."
"The main genetic laboratory in the United States has concluded its work with a full confirmation of our own laboratories' work," Rossel said.
He did not specify the laboratory, but a genetic research team working at the University of Massachusetts Medical School has been involved in the process. Evgeny Rogaev, who headed the team that tested the remains in Moscow and at the medical school in Worcester, Mass., was called into the case by the Russian Federation Prosecutor's Office.
He told The Associated Press on Wednesday that he delivered the results to Russian authorities, but said it was up to the prosecutor's office — not him or his team — to disclose the findings.
"The most difficult work is done and we have delivered to them our expert analysis, but we are still working," he said. "Scientifically, we want to make the most complete investigation possible."
The test results were based on analysis of mitochondrial DNA, the genetic material passed down only from mothers to children. That DNA is more stable than nuclear DNA — the material inherited from the father's side — especially when remains are badly damaged.
In this case, the bone fragments were so shattered and burned that Rogaev's team first had to determine whether enough uncontaminated genetic material still existed for testing.
The delicate work proved that, indeed, useful DNA could be extracted from a very small amount of the material — a critical fact, since they wanted to preserve as much of the bone fragments as possible out of respect for the victims.
The researchers also compared DNA from the remains with those of Empress Alexandra, who was a granddaughter of Britain's Queen Victoria and a distant relative of Prince Philip, the husband of Queen Elizabeth II.
With the mitochondrial analysis completed, the team is working on the nuclear DNA analysis and comparing the samples to paternal relatives of the czar's family.
That information, along with conclusions already delivered to the Russian prosecutors, eventually will be submitted to a professional journal for peer review and publication.
It was unclear if the Russian Orthodox Church will recognize them as genuine. The church's press service said no one could comment on Wednesday's announcement.
It was also unclear whether the descendents of the royal family would accept the identification. Lukyanov said neither he nor his clients had received confirmation.
Lukyanov's efforts to get the government to declare the royal family victims of political repression have been repeatedly rejected by Russian courts, which have said the family's killing was premeditated murder, not a political reprisal.
He said Russia had much to do to overcome its tortured past.
"They say that as long as the last soldier remains unburied, the war continues," Lukyanov told AP. "So long as the last victim of Bolshevik terror and the Communist regime remains unrehabilitiated, the repression will continue."
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Atlantic City
So I don't gamble but the hotel/resort is really nice. I went down to play the slots and could only bring myself to play 15 dollars. I never really got into the hype of the slots,plus my baby needs clothes. I would rather spend my money on that anyway I figure it more fun anyway. I can't sleep and I don't know how tomorrow is going to go. Jackson took forever to go to bed and folks wonder why I am always tired. He is a handful and with him trying to crawl and walk and pull everything down it's a mess. I had to tap his little legs today because he is getting to be a bit unruly. Nothing hard but enough for him to know who is boss. He is determined to have his way and it can't always be that way. Next thing you know he will be falling out in public and I can't have that. I have to be both stern and gentle,it's so much work but without any day to day help it can't be any other way. I have about 4 to 6 gray hairs that are present in the front of my head. I guess life and stress is rearing it's ugly head. I will take this time in AC to try and relax. The weather is crummy and cold which suck big time. I'll drive to NY tomorrow to look for clothes for my son and see if I can splurge 13 bucks on what I used to call toenails.
I can't wait to see Larry, it's been a minute since we have been able to see each other. I can't wait, I got to wear something fly,cause I know he will have something sweet to say. When I think about it,he always says something sweet and I could look bummy. I am glad I got away, I was really feeling low,still do but at least I am out of the house. I think I am going to distance my feelings from Everette again,even though he is far away I don't have it in me to trust. Darly (my 2nd Ex) wants to as he says "heal together". I can't get with him now because he is like my brother now. He wants to love me and protect me but I don't love him that way anymore. It hurts and feels good all at the same time to know someone wants to cherish me. My son is my focus, I am not meant to have the love I dreamed about. Some dreams never come true and I am beginning to accept that. I need to get away more often, my shoulders are so tight. I hope I will be able to go to Canaan Valley this summer,take the kids and really chill out. Ok AC I am going to try and catch some ZZZ's.
I can't wait to see Larry, it's been a minute since we have been able to see each other. I can't wait, I got to wear something fly,cause I know he will have something sweet to say. When I think about it,he always says something sweet and I could look bummy. I am glad I got away, I was really feeling low,still do but at least I am out of the house. I think I am going to distance my feelings from Everette again,even though he is far away I don't have it in me to trust. Darly (my 2nd Ex) wants to as he says "heal together". I can't get with him now because he is like my brother now. He wants to love me and protect me but I don't love him that way anymore. It hurts and feels good all at the same time to know someone wants to cherish me. My son is my focus, I am not meant to have the love I dreamed about. Some dreams never come true and I am beginning to accept that. I need to get away more often, my shoulders are so tight. I hope I will be able to go to Canaan Valley this summer,take the kids and really chill out. Ok AC I am going to try and catch some ZZZ's.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Golden and Dreams of Yesterday
I will never know what it would be like to experience marriage. I always dreamed that it would be a very emotional day full of rejoicing. I know I will never know, I have not said it out loud but I know I will not happen.
I used to daydream about who my husband would be to me and making that step toward a lifelong commitment. To love,honor and cherish, I knew I would be excited because he would be my friend until the end. My partner with whom I would share everything. I hear songs and think about how nice it would be. I would visualize the day and the goings on. The show of it all is not important to me,the commitment is. Even though I want nice things a simple ring would do me just fine.
269@Walmart I think it is pretty...hey I can dream. Now I think about how I can make other peoples dreams come true. I still wonder what a lot of things would be like but now I am a full time mother,with no full time help from the father. I used to think I was special. Now I am what you call a babymamma. I never thought I would hold that title but I do. My ex's who some I am still close with are so dissappointed in my and how I got caught up. I get tired of explaining to people that I never intended to end up this way. It takes 2 and I was the only one trying to make things work. But like the song says " I can't make you love me" Unfortunatly I thought he did have some love for me,but I was wrong. Like Whitney's song "It's not right but it's ok" What can you do but dream.
Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting forever
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman can possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
Golden
Golden
oh oh my
Golden
Golden love
Cause commitment is golden
Mmm mmm
I used to daydream about who my husband would be to me and making that step toward a lifelong commitment. To love,honor and cherish, I knew I would be excited because he would be my friend until the end. My partner with whom I would share everything. I hear songs and think about how nice it would be. I would visualize the day and the goings on. The show of it all is not important to me,the commitment is. Even though I want nice things a simple ring would do me just fine.
269@Walmart I think it is pretty...hey I can dream. Now I think about how I can make other peoples dreams come true. I still wonder what a lot of things would be like but now I am a full time mother,with no full time help from the father. I used to think I was special. Now I am what you call a babymamma. I never thought I would hold that title but I do. My ex's who some I am still close with are so dissappointed in my and how I got caught up. I get tired of explaining to people that I never intended to end up this way. It takes 2 and I was the only one trying to make things work. But like the song says " I can't make you love me" Unfortunatly I thought he did have some love for me,but I was wrong. Like Whitney's song "It's not right but it's ok" What can you do but dream.
Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting forever
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman can possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden
Golden
Golden
oh oh my
Golden
Golden love
Cause commitment is golden
Mmm mmm
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
So I got a 50 dollar ticket today and my left side mirror on my van got clear smashed off. Was I bad today GOD? How am I going to get the funds to pay for this?
What Black Women Are Talking About...
So this guy posed the question and I answered. We women talk and these are the things that bug us about our brothas. Some of the things I listed are the things that my girlfriends and associates have experienced while dating black men. I don't think all black men are bad but I am not alone with some of the issues I have so I know It's not just me. Will I take this guy up on his challenge? Probably not, I am too messed up to even think about trying again. I have a child and have absolutely 0 time anyway so he was SOL from the start. I hope he finds someone,if there are any takers I will pass on his email.
On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
From the experiences you had from the black men, I think you, and other ladies who have unfortunately found themselves in the situation you have found yourself in, have a reason to be hiding. Now, I do not say this to brag, or to sound "elitist", but I think there is two breeds of black men; there are those of us who will do nothing better than just…use their wiles to get to you, and eventually leave you with the baby.
The other breed is of real/aspiring gentlemen, who think that family is the greatest thing that God can give them, who do not want to see their sons grow without fathers, without role models, without getting all the good things in life that two people, a father and a mother, who love each other to death, and who have no intention of getting divorced, because they can work things out for the sake of themselves and their kid(s), can achieve. I think I am firmly in the second group, and I like to think that I have goals in life; things I want to achieve, and they do not include not taking care of my kids. I think I have certain goals to achieve, and I am passionate about them. I want to believe that I am in the second category of the…two "breeds". But I am glad that you did leave, because if you did not see a future in the relationship, then sometimes getting out before the whole house is on fire is critical.
Now, regarding the things you talked about: I will tick my experiences/status against some of the things you did raise:
Babymamma Drama: None. Never married, no kids. I will have some, some day.
No job I currently have one. I work as a Community Support Specialist, for a Non-Profit.
No brain Would like to think I have one. Actually, I am fairly smartJ
No affection Hmmm…
No direction Girl, my next stop, is a PhD. You don't get a PhD if you intend to become a layabout
No religion Raised Christian; very spiritual; attend church occasionally
DL I am straight as a first century Roman Road.
Crazy Ex's None. If I did have any, they would be across the ocean, in Kenya.
STD's Clean as a whistle
Allergic to commitment Me? No. No way. That is what I am looking for.
Mamma's Boys Don't know if I can be described that way. She's 11k miles away anyhow
Poor performance in the bedroom - I am not sure about this. Don't have ratings…
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to stand on) = Really?
I respect, and appreciate everything you shared here today. I think we cannot all be dismissed, or made to pay the price of the mistakes of a few losers. Because I know that there are winners out here, and if you do actually stop to smell the roses, you will get the good scent. I know men have not always treated women as well as they should, especially "brothers", but again, I think race is a geographical divide. Sometimes I think the way African American men treat women is completely despicable. I am not going to use the fact that I am African to make a case for suggesting that I would treat women different, I just know I would. Because it is about honor. About dignity. About doing the right thing.
Now, please prove me wrong, by allowing yourself to meet someone who is different. Me. Would you accept the challenge? Not necessary to start a relationship, but I do think you would be a great person to know.
Have a great evening.
Steve.
On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing back! I just wanted to briefly acknowledge your email, and tell you that I appreciate very, very much:) your taking the time to write. You raise good points; right now I must run, but I will definitely be writing back to you later today. Have a wonderful day!
Steve.
We are all hiding from black men,lol. I think there
are some good guys out there BUT...they are far and
few between.
I thought I met a nice guy right on craigslist in
05,we just had a son in 07. He seemed nice until times
got rough and so I left him. Black women are craving a
man with some balls and the backbone to hold them up.
Most of the time brotha get the tight face because we
are sooooooooooooooooo tired of there BS. I am a
babymamma but I don't tolerate drama but some women
have to deal with:
Babymamma Drama
No job
No brain
No affection
No direction
No religion
DL
Crazy Ex's
STD's
Allergic to commitment
Mamma's Boys
Poor performance in the bedroom
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to
stand on)
I could go on and on,no wonder women buy vibrators and
date outside there race or there become lesbeiens. I can say all this because I
am a sister. I love black men just not the BS. I have
dated outside my race and I can say I was treated
better, the only thing is there will never be the
connection we share.
Ok I am off my soapbox, but I know I am smart,very
attractive,loving ,hardworking along with all my
girlfriends and they all agree with everything I just
said.
Ok I am done now...hope you find someone.
On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
From the experiences you had from the black men, I think you, and other ladies who have unfortunately found themselves in the situation you have found yourself in, have a reason to be hiding. Now, I do not say this to brag, or to sound "elitist", but I think there is two breeds of black men; there are those of us who will do nothing better than just…use their wiles to get to you, and eventually leave you with the baby.
The other breed is of real/aspiring gentlemen, who think that family is the greatest thing that God can give them, who do not want to see their sons grow without fathers, without role models, without getting all the good things in life that two people, a father and a mother, who love each other to death, and who have no intention of getting divorced, because they can work things out for the sake of themselves and their kid(s), can achieve. I think I am firmly in the second group, and I like to think that I have goals in life; things I want to achieve, and they do not include not taking care of my kids. I think I have certain goals to achieve, and I am passionate about them. I want to believe that I am in the second category of the…two "breeds". But I am glad that you did leave, because if you did not see a future in the relationship, then sometimes getting out before the whole house is on fire is critical.
Now, regarding the things you talked about: I will tick my experiences/status against some of the things you did raise:
Babymamma Drama: None. Never married, no kids. I will have some, some day.
No job I currently have one. I work as a Community Support Specialist, for a Non-Profit.
No brain Would like to think I have one. Actually, I am fairly smartJ
No affection Hmmm…
No direction Girl, my next stop, is a PhD. You don't get a PhD if you intend to become a layabout
No religion Raised Christian; very spiritual; attend church occasionally
DL I am straight as a first century Roman Road.
Crazy Ex's None. If I did have any, they would be across the ocean, in Kenya.
STD's Clean as a whistle
Allergic to commitment Me? No. No way. That is what I am looking for.
Mamma's Boys Don't know if I can be described that way. She's 11k miles away anyhow
Poor performance in the bedroom - I am not sure about this. Don't have ratings…
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to stand on) = Really?
I respect, and appreciate everything you shared here today. I think we cannot all be dismissed, or made to pay the price of the mistakes of a few losers. Because I know that there are winners out here, and if you do actually stop to smell the roses, you will get the good scent. I know men have not always treated women as well as they should, especially "brothers", but again, I think race is a geographical divide. Sometimes I think the way African American men treat women is completely despicable. I am not going to use the fact that I am African to make a case for suggesting that I would treat women different, I just know I would. Because it is about honor. About dignity. About doing the right thing.
Now, please prove me wrong, by allowing yourself to meet someone who is different. Me. Would you accept the challenge? Not necessary to start a relationship, but I do think you would be a great person to know.
Have a great evening.
Steve.
On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing back! I just wanted to briefly acknowledge your email, and tell you that I appreciate very, very much:) your taking the time to write. You raise good points; right now I must run, but I will definitely be writing back to you later today. Have a wonderful day!
Steve.
We are all hiding from black men,lol. I think there
are some good guys out there BUT...they are far and
few between.
I thought I met a nice guy right on craigslist in
05,we just had a son in 07. He seemed nice until times
got rough and so I left him. Black women are craving a
man with some balls and the backbone to hold them up.
Most of the time brotha get the tight face because we
are sooooooooooooooooo tired of there BS. I am a
babymamma but I don't tolerate drama but some women
have to deal with:
Babymamma Drama
No job
No brain
No affection
No direction
No religion
DL
Crazy Ex's
STD's
Allergic to commitment
Mamma's Boys
Poor performance in the bedroom
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to
stand on)
I could go on and on,no wonder women buy vibrators and
date outside there race or there become lesbeiens. I can say all this because I
am a sister. I love black men just not the BS. I have
dated outside my race and I can say I was treated
better, the only thing is there will never be the
connection we share.
Ok I am off my soapbox, but I know I am smart,very
attractive,loving ,hardworking along with all my
girlfriends and they all agree with everything I just
said.
Ok I am done now...hope you find someone.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Turandot@Washington National Opera
Turandot is my all time favorite Opera. I pray I am able to go to this next year. I have been waiting for this to come back to DC for like 5 years. I HAVE TO SEE THIS,even If I have to take myself...which that would be utterly pathetic. My luck that is how it will turn out.
Turandot
Composed by Giacomo Puccini
Libretto by Giuseppe Adami and Renato Simoni
May 16, 19, 21, 24m, 27, 30, June 1, 4, 2009
Sung in Italian with English supertitles
The legendary beauty Princess Turandot poses three riddles to her potential suitors only to behead them with one wrong answer. She meets her match in Calaf, the mysterious prince who risks his head to win her heart. Puccini’s final opera, celebrated for its tapestry of soaring melodies and rich orchestration, features the beloved aria “Nessun dorma.”
Maria Guleghina (May 16, 19, 21, 24m, 27), Princess Turandot
Sylvie Valayre (May 30, Jun 1, 4), Princess Turandot
DarÃo Volonté* (May 16, 19, 21, 24m), Calaf
Franco Farina (May 27, 30, Jun 1, 4), Calaf
Sabina Cvilak (May 16, 19, 21, 24m), Liù
Maija Kovalevska* (May 27, 30, Jun 1, 4), Liù
Morris Robinson, Timur
Keri-Lynn Wilson*, Conductor
Andrei Serban*, Director
Production from Royal Opera House Covent Garden
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Human
An in depth discussion on relationships this clearly exposes how lust, deception and sexual self-gratification ultimately destroys both, the individual and their relationships. Also other choices which can ruin a person.
I hate the place I am in emotionally and the pain that accompanies it. Everyday I try my best to not cry,to not allow my circumstance to dictate my emotions...but sometimes it gets the best of me. I know how I got to this place but it seems like I am caught in a maze that has no end. I find myself frustrated,angry because right now it feels like there is no escape. I always viewed myself as a kind and loving person. I always felt like I tried to live myself "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". My course of action is to always right my wrongs and humble myself when I have not lived up to God's expectation of me. I consider myself to be responsible for the people I care about as they would care for me.
I don't want to leave this earth with a legacy of broken people. It is my duty as a child of God to repair any hurt I have caused to any of his other children. When we do wrong we must ask for forgiveness and try to correct past behaviors so that a hurtful path is not one we continue to travel. I know that I have hurt people and people have hurt me but the true testimony to God's grace was that there was healing in the forgiveness toward each other. There was no budging until I knew in my heart that the person had changed and they were truly sorry. I felt the sincerity in the apology and they wanted nothing more than to start over again. (RP If you are reading this your sincerity reached my heart, I am glad to say I feel safe with you again)
It made me feel safe to at least open up the lines communication. I was so hurt by there behavior toward me that I pulled out of our friendship completely. Once God moved it was possible to talk. As a survivor of abuse I understand that I was never taught how to identify when people were not treating me with kindness. I was always vulnerable a walking open wound,and so I was a easy target. I misplaced my trust and ended up hurt so many times so the way I chose to cope was to shut down. That was my way of hurting people,I would totally cut them out of my life. I would cease all communication and make sure I was no longer someone they could hurt again. As a survivor you start to get tired of abuse and you find a way to cope,for me it is total isolation. I have also learned in this journey that people are not perfect and they make mistakes, I can accept that what's hard accept is not correcting the behavior. Now unless your just clueless you should know at some point what is destructive and what is healthy. What will enhance your life and what will leave you stuck.
I am still a student, I am still learning what is healthy. Right now I am trying to learn how to feel safe with people again. Once I realized Jamar was not concerned about me,my health,my feelings, my life;I found myself in a world of hurt. All my dreams,everything I worked so hard to overcome was snuffed out in a years time. I had finally got to a place where my life was happy and had direction. I felt good about me but slowly things feel apart. I had a man who lustfully looked at my cousin right in front of me, It made me feel like I was not good enough for him. When I was pregnant he never comforted me, I struggled physically emotionally and mentally during what was supposed to be the best time of out lives. He never fought for us which only exacerbated my deflated spirit.
I am human and I too go to God and ask for forgivness for my actions. I find that sometimes saying nothing still gets me in troulble because I am trying to hold back my frustration. I am still trying to control my heartache. I understand holding it in is not healthy but I have yet to find an effective way deal with my feelings. I do know that I am trying to heal and that outside entities sometimes effect that process. I pray that I can live in peace and not be afraid of...
Poem I found online
We'll go on, after you,
Without you we'll go on,
Though something beautiful inside
Us all has turned to stone.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you through the years
Of pain and raw bewilderment
And brutal, angry tears.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will heal,
Though love may labor in the heart
And joy the loss conceal.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will grow
Together as a family
That you will never know.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you life goes on,
But neither hope nor happiness
Undoes what you have done.
Without you we'll go on,
Though something beautiful inside
Us all has turned to stone.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you through the years
Of pain and raw bewilderment
And brutal, angry tears.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will heal,
Though love may labor in the heart
And joy the loss conceal.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will grow
Together as a family
That you will never know.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you life goes on,
But neither hope nor happiness
Undoes what you have done.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Ramblings
Talked to Everett, he left me a really sweet mushy note. He has never been one to show that side of him so it was nice. I was nice to be wanted and cared for. He asked about Jackson and said he was going to move us to be with him. I ain't going anywhere unless there is a ring and a minister involved...oh and love would help too.
Have not been feeling my best since giving birth, I have been putting off going to the doctor for a while. Tugging in my abdomen,shifting,tired,scared. I got to live for my son so I need to find out what is wrong with me.
No money,landlord pressing me out, I am so stressed out,not ready to go back to work,need to,will before the year is up. I wish I could stay home and raise my son for a little while longer,feeling sad,want to cry.
Moving was the worst,I had my friends help in the end but it sucked. I moved boxes on a pulley with one had and pushed my son with the other sometimes at 3 am in the morning.I could not leave him alone,would not so he came with me...he was such a trooper. My friends,Ex,Uncle,you all get a shout out from me,thanks for being there.
In the end I like where I live,but long to be in a house somewhere in DC.
So cutie has not called me, I guess no tail means they bail. Dang he was cute,oh well don't want to sin again, so I guess I will just have to be single. Tired of repenting so I just won't sin, but would love for someone to hold my hand once in a while. Someone to watch a movie with or just take a walk. Love is free.
I wonder if he kills me where would he leave my body? How will he do it,pray that my son does not see it happen. So many young mothers being murdered,I want to live. Don't trust,living afraid sometimes. I got to keep praying for protection because he hates me. I have my own conspiracy theory I will discuss later.
I am sad but I may have to give up breastfeeding. Never had the help or time to successfully do it. I had to look for a place, then move to the new place along with no sleep. It seemed like there was something after the other. I look back and I have been going since I gave birth,time flew by so fast.
Tired but this is my only free time to just sit and do nothing or everything. Who knew me, a single mother. I enjoy being a mother and am starting to accept that I am one of millions doing the same things.
Have not been feeling my best since giving birth, I have been putting off going to the doctor for a while. Tugging in my abdomen,shifting,tired,scared. I got to live for my son so I need to find out what is wrong with me.
No money,landlord pressing me out, I am so stressed out,not ready to go back to work,need to,will before the year is up. I wish I could stay home and raise my son for a little while longer,feeling sad,want to cry.
Moving was the worst,I had my friends help in the end but it sucked. I moved boxes on a pulley with one had and pushed my son with the other sometimes at 3 am in the morning.I could not leave him alone,would not so he came with me...he was such a trooper. My friends,Ex,Uncle,you all get a shout out from me,thanks for being there.
In the end I like where I live,but long to be in a house somewhere in DC.
So cutie has not called me, I guess no tail means they bail. Dang he was cute,oh well don't want to sin again, so I guess I will just have to be single. Tired of repenting so I just won't sin, but would love for someone to hold my hand once in a while. Someone to watch a movie with or just take a walk. Love is free.
I wonder if he kills me where would he leave my body? How will he do it,pray that my son does not see it happen. So many young mothers being murdered,I want to live. Don't trust,living afraid sometimes. I got to keep praying for protection because he hates me. I have my own conspiracy theory I will discuss later.
I am sad but I may have to give up breastfeeding. Never had the help or time to successfully do it. I had to look for a place, then move to the new place along with no sleep. It seemed like there was something after the other. I look back and I have been going since I gave birth,time flew by so fast.
Tired but this is my only free time to just sit and do nothing or everything. Who knew me, a single mother. I enjoy being a mother and am starting to accept that I am one of millions doing the same things.
In love
I am so in love with my son,he is the best part of everyday. I watch him sleep and anticipate when he will wake up,just to be with him. He is such a happy baby and I live to love him,protect him,nurture him ,guide him,pray with him and for him and try my best to give him everything I never had. I pray I can give him the life I always dreamed of. He is perfect in every way and I am so happy to be his mommy.
I always knew love,but the love I have for him is a fierce and sacrificial love. I would give my life for him and I pray that I am around to see him through life. I pray that I can provide him a life of happiness,spirituality,adventure,love,morals and confidence. I pray for him every chance I get,I am so in love with my son.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Dating
So I met this guy, He older,very good looking,has his own buisness and I am afraid to date him. I am afraid to date period just because I am in a different place mentally. I have been abstinent for over a year and it feel dang good. I asked God to bless me and I promised to be obedient. Don't get me wrong I can't wait for the day that I can share myself with my HUSBAND,but until then I'm too fly to just give it up to anyone. I long for intimacy with a man that goes beyond the bedroom.
I think sleeping around with any ole body is dirty and can lead to all kinds of things that are not good for the mind,body and soul. What happens when you tell a guy there wil be no sex? For me I don't get a call back. Here I am trying to live right and I get left in the dust. I don't worry about it but it does not make you feel good when your phone does not ring. All I really want is some good conversation, you know the kind where you REALLY can TRY and get to know someone.
I admit I get lonley, I want love and affection like anyone else I am only human. I mean when I think about it I have been alone for almost a year and a half. I was in a relationship but I was still alone. I pray that whoever if ever I get involved with
really wants to be my friend as well as my lover. Someone who I can pray for and pray with. Someone who has God at the center of his life. I know I am not perfect so I am not looking for perfection,just someone God knows is perfect for me.
So the new fine guy, I guess we shall see how this goes. New beginings for the new year. Celebacy, a really nice new home THANK YOU JESUS!! It's perfect. A better ride, and the best blessing of all Jackson.
Father God bless my heart,heal my heart so that I may be all you want me to be.
http://www.puritansermons.com/sermons/griffin1.htm
I think sleeping around with any ole body is dirty and can lead to all kinds of things that are not good for the mind,body and soul. What happens when you tell a guy there wil be no sex? For me I don't get a call back. Here I am trying to live right and I get left in the dust. I don't worry about it but it does not make you feel good when your phone does not ring. All I really want is some good conversation, you know the kind where you REALLY can TRY and get to know someone.
I admit I get lonley, I want love and affection like anyone else I am only human. I mean when I think about it I have been alone for almost a year and a half. I was in a relationship but I was still alone. I pray that whoever if ever I get involved with
really wants to be my friend as well as my lover. Someone who I can pray for and pray with. Someone who has God at the center of his life. I know I am not perfect so I am not looking for perfection,just someone God knows is perfect for me.
So the new fine guy, I guess we shall see how this goes. New beginings for the new year. Celebacy, a really nice new home THANK YOU JESUS!! It's perfect. A better ride, and the best blessing of all Jackson.
Father God bless my heart,heal my heart so that I may be all you want me to be.
http://www.puritansermons.com/sermons/griffin1.htm
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Ashamed...
I can't even bring myself to write about the turn my life has taken. I am really alone in my thoughts and I hold it in. I hold it in and blow like a top when face to face with the source. I am ashamed and long to be free. I don't apologize for my feelings there mine and until I can heal, I own them.
I understand what God wants for me, I understand it all,but I am still human. I still hurt like anyone else. All I can do is just ask for strength and forgiveness when I allow my flesh to dictate my actions. All I can do is cry out to him when I can't get a handle on things. I am human and I hurt just like anyone else and all I can do Is cry out to my God. Help me Lord to be healed,Lord I am seeking freedom and courage. I am seeking your face in all I do,even when I fall short, I asking you to pick my up.
I understand what God wants for me, I understand it all,but I am still human. I still hurt like anyone else. All I can do is just ask for strength and forgiveness when I allow my flesh to dictate my actions. All I can do is cry out to him when I can't get a handle on things. I am human and I hurt just like anyone else and all I can do Is cry out to my God. Help me Lord to be healed,Lord I am seeking freedom and courage. I am seeking your face in all I do,even when I fall short, I asking you to pick my up.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
ANGRY!!!
Yes I am owning that feeling lately. I don't want it but I can't seem to shake it. I try to stay prayerful but sometimes I just get angry. I spent a great deal of my life just letting things go. People would say and do things and I would never deal with it. I was never taught to deal with conflict and confrontation effectively.
I am angry,angry at you for not being who I thought you were. I am angry at myself for not seeing ahead of time. Angry for being in the positions that I put myself in,for the positions you put me in. For trusting and believing in you,for not going with my gut. For thinking you would catch me when I fell. Angry for being a statistic and you making me one and you thinking it ok for ME to be one. For not being able to move forward right now. Angry for loving you so much even thouth you never earned or or deserved it. Angry for wasting tears over you. Angry because you are not reliable and I can't trust anything you do or say. I am angry for praying and not being able to feel peace and comfort. Angry for getting physically ill when you come around or call me.Angry for falling apart when you leave. Angry for not having the guts to just beat the crap out of you or throw something. ANGRY YOU GAVE ME A STD! YOU HARMED MY LIFE AND AT THAT TIME YOUR UNBORN CHILD. ANGRY THAT YOU TREAT IT SO BLAHZAY. It's so crazy because you were hell bent on and AIDS TEST when when we first got together, and I end up with that STD from you.
I feel like I don't have any control. I ask God to forgive me,help me,give me strength but I fall short when I lose my cool. I need a healing and I need it fast. I miss who I used to be. Where am I,who am I? I am angry that you get to have a irresponsible life,you get to not care, to do whatever,whenever with whomever. I am angry that no one hold me at night. I am angry because I am afraid to be held. I am angry because I forgot what it's like to be kissed. I don't know how and where to start over, I am afraid to start over. I am afraid of doing this alone for the rest of my life. I am afraid because of you and I am angry as hell just because.
My world is shaken and I feel very robbed. I am angry because I have yet to forgive myself and In turn I can't yet forgive you. I am doing my best with what I have been given and I am doing it ALL ALONE remember that.
I am angry,angry at you for not being who I thought you were. I am angry at myself for not seeing ahead of time. Angry for being in the positions that I put myself in,for the positions you put me in. For trusting and believing in you,for not going with my gut. For thinking you would catch me when I fell. Angry for being a statistic and you making me one and you thinking it ok for ME to be one. For not being able to move forward right now. Angry for loving you so much even thouth you never earned or or deserved it. Angry for wasting tears over you. Angry because you are not reliable and I can't trust anything you do or say. I am angry for praying and not being able to feel peace and comfort. Angry for getting physically ill when you come around or call me.Angry for falling apart when you leave. Angry for not having the guts to just beat the crap out of you or throw something. ANGRY YOU GAVE ME A STD! YOU HARMED MY LIFE AND AT THAT TIME YOUR UNBORN CHILD. ANGRY THAT YOU TREAT IT SO BLAHZAY. It's so crazy because you were hell bent on and AIDS TEST when when we first got together, and I end up with that STD from you.
I feel like I don't have any control. I ask God to forgive me,help me,give me strength but I fall short when I lose my cool. I need a healing and I need it fast. I miss who I used to be. Where am I,who am I? I am angry that you get to have a irresponsible life,you get to not care, to do whatever,whenever with whomever. I am angry that no one hold me at night. I am angry because I am afraid to be held. I am angry because I forgot what it's like to be kissed. I don't know how and where to start over, I am afraid to start over. I am afraid of doing this alone for the rest of my life. I am afraid because of you and I am angry as hell just because.
My world is shaken and I feel very robbed. I am angry because I have yet to forgive myself and In turn I can't yet forgive you. I am doing my best with what I have been given and I am doing it ALL ALONE remember that.
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