On a Quest to find Where I Misplaced Myself.

So I had drama on the job, and what`s messed up was it came from someone I cared about dearly, I think I attract it. I think I attract people who like drama and men who have major issues or fear commitment. I sometimes think I am a resting place for them, they get there use and move on. The problem for me is I end up holding the empty bag. I can admit I find it hard to say no or stop. I will also admit I used to resent it when my mother would say "You let people run over you". I guess I didn`t want to be viewed as weak or flawed, but I have come to know we all are in some way or the other.

I also know I have a problem...I will totally disconnect with people once they piss me off. I will cut them off like the grass and hope they wither and die...Ok that was real extra and dramatic. No I don`t hope that, it just seemed silly to say at the moment. I guess I have a morbid sick dry humor side, and guess I am the only one laughing.
I also know I don`t say exactly what I am feeling, I will just harbor feelings of silent rage and bitch about it in my mind. I guess I don`t want to be viewed as confrontational or argumentative.

There is no part of me that likes to fight,but I know I need to express how I feel and be honest. I guess I also don`t want to come off as a total bitch either, I am tired and yes I am complaining today. The volunteer training I am doing is turning into therapy and I think I may need to check my own self in. I started this as a way for me to give back and I see that my own tainted childhood has never been completely worked out.
It has forced me to examine who I am as a person and why I interact with people the way I do. This training and self-discovery is very painful at times but I know it has always been in my heart to continue to give of myself. I asked Jamar to tell me the things about myself that he sees. My ability to be a little bit selfish,stubborn and unable to forgive.

I see the selfish part in my as the Girl/Woman who just didn`t get It and I mean It as in anything I may have wanted no matter how nice I was. I did`nt understand that some people will use you because your so open and eager to please. I didn`t realize it`s ok to say I need this or I want this. I now realize in some and or most of my relationships I exhibit some of this selfishness. I want what I want cause I feel like I deserve it. I pout, or demand in many verbal and non-verbal ways.
I know I need to work on this.

Being stubborn can have it`s pros and cons. My stubbornness is not to budge when folks do me or others wrong. If you have treated me or anyone else In a way that is mean,cold,hurtful,disrespectful,demeaning or degrading way...You get an F in my book officially put yourself on my list and most folks never come from that. You are cast out of my life because I view you as harmful and not of good character. Feeling like that scares me away from people I feel like they have potential to do it again if they have done it before. I don`t stick around to find out of they just made a human error of bad judgment, I have already branded them as "BAD PEOPLE".

I think somewhere deep down I knew some of these things,but I really believe that speaking the truth is very freeing. I need to ease up and stop beating myself up about things that I can`t change...At least I can`t change today. I really do Thanks God for the wonderful women who are now in my life, I know now what true friendship is, they love me in spite of my flaws, call me out when I am wrong and support me in whatever direction my life takes me and remind me to not give up on my talents.
I am feeling so very Thankful right now for self-discovery.

Birthday`s, Girls Night and Much More

My birthday was so nice,I love My friends there the best KiKi,Nicci...what can I say but You guys mean the world to me. My girlfriend surprised me by having JDub show up. He told me he was sorry and that he would celebrate with me another day. Talk about pissed...


Then he walked in and I just passed out.


I just cried and cried and cried...here is a picture of him consoling me. I love him...

Everyone together now AWWWWWWW!

Girlfriends:
All my friends are sweet,productive,smart,funny,silly ,down-to-earth,and DROP-DEAD-GOURGEOUS.

Don`t Sleep

Just because I don`t say it, Does not mean I have not already thought about it a million times before you.

Just because It does not appear that I am doing it, I am just carefully planning it out in my mind.

I already know what your thinking, good I am glad...Mission accomplished.

Ars Gratia Artis

Love...How Amazing

I had a moment of clarity about 4 am Monday morning while talking to my boy. I started a post that talked about love and Valentine`s Day and romance and then it turned into something else. I talked about why I am such a romantic and the whole princess notion that was planted in my mind and heart as a child.
My computer froze up and I was unable to save it...But trust when It comes back to me mentally I will be sure to post it for you all.

I am just thanking God for all the clarity that is coming to me as of late. I see just how he is moving through me. Leaning on him is amazing and scary all at the same time. I pray that the hurt my ladybug is feeling will be occupied with productivity.(4ULADYBUG) Things happen for a reason and sometimes change is hard to handle, but that is life. Whatever God has in store will come to light exactly when it needs to. People change and that`s ok...Continue to pray for them and love them regardless. Find out who you are and where you want to go and let God do the rest.

Anywho love is a wonderful thing,(JW) I just realized I love you on so many different levels and I am feeling an incredible amount of peace that comes with that,who knew. I listen to you when you say trust in God,and believe in the things he has shown me. I am holding on to what he has revealed ,holding onto every bit of it. I am in this with you the highs and lows, to answer your question again yes I am open to you.

Standing in the need of Prayer

Last night I realized again how amazing God is. My heart was bruised and I cried to him for help and guidance. I cried last night from hurt,confusion,frustration and he dried my tears and allowed me to calm down. All my life I dreamed that one day I would have my hearts desires and to trust in God. I still believe those things it`s just I never understood why it has to be so hard sometimes. I ran the gamut of emotions last night self-doubt,sadness,fear...What was I doing wrong? Just when I thought I was winning,I finished last. Is it me? Should I do more? Should I do less?

Waiting on a word from God

I tossed and turned all night and when I woke up,I felt like I had just went to sleep hours raced by and I just wanted my mind to be clear,I hope tonight is better for me. I am still hurt,just not crying,my heart is still bruised just can`t feel the sting as much. As I took my shower the tears rolled and I asked God to deliver me from the hurt and to make it easier to bare and he did...Thank you in Jesus name. I think what helped was me saying to myself Put not your faith in man,but trust in God alone. We hurt each other everyday that`s life that`s human...God has allowed me to be a forgiving and patient individual and I am so blessed for that. I can`t miss what I never had so I will continue to pray on it and wait patiently.

Will I be saying goodbye?

I look back at how little I have accomplished as far as my demo is concerned and I feel like just giving up. I feel like there are but so many times I can ask for help. I have been here ready willing and able and I sometimes wonder am I not DIVA or bitchy enough for the game. Musicians are always busy or have a gig here and there and you have to chase them down like bounty hunters. If I could have one wish granted right now it would be to finish what I started and be able to give the world a beautiful collection of music made by me.
I don`t know folks,I feel like If I can get back in the "LAB" I may have to give up. Now don`t think I am a quitter, I can only do my part which I have tried and failed. The rest is up to everyone else who was "supposed" to help.
To be continued...

Play the Role

"05" was good to me as far as theater was concerned. I had 2 plays one opened a week of the other and I knew that once that final curtain came down I was going to collapse, lol. It was because of the traveling back and forth, but I would not have changed a thing. I knew that my role in each show was key. I tend to pick work that has something constructive to say.I pride myself on choosing roles that will help someone along the way.

I try to do my part in the music scene but there are the other parts of me that keep nudging for something more.Theater,music,dance why must I choose?
Why can’t I do both? I have come across some individuals who have tried to discourage me. Of course I don’t listen, lol I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck. I know there is a role out there with my name on it and by God I will be that siren,villain,victim,heroin I will become whatever it needs me to be. The one thing I love about being an artist is the fact that the need to create, share, embrace is so hard to get away from. Your compelled, bound and under it`s spell.

O . G.

Original Gangsta
Is it just me or does Saddam look like he`s pissed
He`s got his boy backin him up...who knew he had a
hype man.
"Say what long live Iraq fool...break yo
self",lol.
Ok I saw the picture and that`s what I
thought,lol.

Chocolate City Cotten Club & Eric Roberson

I so enjoy this event and I am so glad it`s back.I had a wonderful weekend and got a chance to see so many wonderful artists. I can`t say it enough I love Eric Roberson and his music,lol. He`s such a wonderful artist and you can feel his energy from across the room.
His music speaks from the heart and right to yours,God has blessed him.When I grow up I wanna write,perform and share just like him.
I may add some more loving aknowledgements later...but for now enjoy the pics from that night.Oh much love to Grenique who took me on tour with her back in her Motown days.Her tour was my very first time doing back up...wow Love you Mommi.

Shine

<-------That`s me on my very first solo gig with a live band in about 2 years.
Click on pics for better view.How blessed was I to have the Stylistics band to play for me.
I was in a band before but I was not the only soloist.I had been doing theater in NY for about 2yrs and found that returning to the mic was not going to be so easy.I was nervous and excited all at the same time.I won`t ramble on this post but I will say i did shine.
I rocked the crowd and they rocked back...gotta love it huh!
My band members play for the Stylistics and they were awsome,my background killed it.I am so lucky to have so many talented beatiful folks as friends.
I didn`t fuss to much with outfits and make-up,I just kinda showed up and sang my heart out.I did all the things I normally do in my mirror at home.I would like to think I perform as if I have already arrived,folks want there moneys worth and that`s what I give um.I pray I am given more opportunities to shine in the future.

Lost in the verse of a song...

I named my blog that because I love music so much. I sometimes I find myself listening to a song so close I pick up things that the average person is not checking for. I follow how the music moves; find where the pulse of it lies, what the lyrics say.
Usually I’m lost in the verse of a song. I see myself there dancing, crying, laughing.It rings true for me there and I bath in it.
It’s that line that confirms exactly how you feel at that moment, or brings back a memory in an instant.
I am a Picese and I am very attracted to water, I look at music the same way. It calms me and I need to swim in it for sanity sake.

Dear God

Dear God

What do you need me to do?
I find often times Lord that I am so lost in what direction my life is going.
Am I doing your will? Often times I feel like I fall short.I am so very thankful for everything you bless me with,I am humbled by your mercies,I know that I am not worthy of all your blessing,yet you love me still.
I want to be that woman you would have me to be,I know you are working on me and I welcome it with open arms.

At this point I know that I need to take bigger steps toward you,help me Father
I know we are all born into a sinful world, how do I avoid the pitfalls?I long to have that relationship with one man for the rest of my life.
Not because I feel incompleat being single,but moreso because I would be compleat with your blessing and love on a union you saw fit. Too many times we are not operating the way God would prefer us to. Who wants to fail at companionship? I personally don't function well if I know things are not right spiritually

God help me,help me!
I want to sell out all the way for you but sometimes you seem so far.
I wonder how should I act,what should I say,what makes a good christian?
I feel like the pressure to perform the good deeds sometimes are soley left on me. My sisters just don't seem to get it, and I feel like I always have to be strong, responsible, I always have to pick up the pieces.
I get tired;tired because my sisters don't help me with our mother.Their just off living there lives. Im the obediant daughter,sometimes I feel resentful about this at times and often beat myself with the guilt for not always wanting to be the one my family depends on..Sometimes the pressure is more than i want to bear. I wish that I could move about freely in life and just do me at times, do things for myself like travel, move wherever I want, have the career I dream of. I am afraid that the moment I leave my mothers side she will die. I know I will never forgive myself for not being there if I just do me. I guess that is what keeps me in the same spot, feelings of guilt and obligation to not live for me,but only to make her life better.
Is that selfish God? Is it selfish of my to want things for myself?

What would you have me do?,purify me and creat a new me for you and the world.

Me
For those who read this,yes I am being very honest about who i am now.I don`t want to edit any part of who i am anymore.I don`t care how pretty or ugly i comes across this is me in a very vunerable form.I talk to God all the time and these are some of the things i talk to him about.I worry,I cry ,get frustrated with things and i tell him.We speak in the car,in my bed at night,in my office,i don`t care if someone sees me talking and thinks i am crazy,i know who i am having the conversation with.
My life is not some sad downtroddened story,I am very blessed.
I have many things that i am thankful for,yet i am still human i fail God at times.
I feel bad and i try my best to get back up again.

Wishful Thinking and Understanding
I just want things to be a bit more to the right than the left in my world.I want to know that i am on the straight and narrow.
I want to court,fall in love and marry a wonderful guy and pop out a couple of cute tykes.I want to take care of my mommy,but have the help of my sisters.I don`t want to feel guilty to venture out into the world because she feels she has only me to hold onto. People in my life who I can never please, and will never understand that my heart is with them. I think sometimes these people don't understand how much I have before me and feel I abandon them at times, when really I am already stretched to a potential breaking point.

Mother/Friend
It's a shackle of guilt because I don`t want to fail her where others did so many times before.I feel like much like a caged bird at times with my mother.
Loving her and wanting to be near and afraid still spread my wings and fly, afraid to realize my full potential because then I would not be able to focus on her 100%.
What would you make of my life God, Where do I go from here?

Last Night

Last night left the taste of your kiss
Still fresh on my lips.
I already know
I already know
I already know that I want you
Last night left the taste of your kiss
Still fresh on my lips and I am beaming today.
(Finally a good date and a good kiss...Thanks Jdub)

Find A Way....

Ok so i met this guy in March and i thought he was really cute.At first i was like naw,not my type he has cornrolls it won`t work.Ill have to dump him the moment he asks me to braid his hair.He never asked,but he did lay kiss on me so hot my knees got weak.It was the kind of kiss that you see in movies,the kind that made you hold your breath.

Now folks are wondering,well great what`s the problem?Simple yet complicated,and my heart was caught in the middle.There was this young lady he fancied way before he ever met me,she fancied him too.What started out as simple and innocent turned into matters of the heart.Everything happend so fast with him,like we were spinning.
Once I realized how bad this could turn out I pulled away.I know he`s hurting and I am hurting too.Not because there was any love lose,but the reality that our friendship would not be the same.
I did`nt want to continue to see him and run the risk of falling for him.When you spend that kind of time with someone it`s bound to happen.I could not understand why he still wanted to see me...I can`t kiss you one day and look at you as my buddy the next.I needed that space and time to clear my head.
Do I miss him? Sure he`s my friend and we had some great times together.
Mabey If I lose him as a potential love,he can still come back to me as a beautiful friend without the complications of romance.
The time and distance is the best thing...but I miss my friend
To be continued...

"Im down to lose you,for a chance just to gain you...
Even if all I gain is the respect that you see in me"
Eric Roberson:Find A Way

Relax 
I am trying to do just that...RELAX.Summer is almost over and I did just about everything I said I would do.I did my local traveling and relaxed and enjoyed the music.I got to meet Eric Roberson whom I love very much and he knows it now thanks to DeAndre.I was never so embarrased when he introduced us and he says "Hey Eric I want you to meet my friend...oh by the way she wants to marry you"
I wanted to disappear inside myself. Well he knows how I feel now and I`ll continue to stay close(stalk,lol...sike Im kidding) to him as much as I can.
Fall is on it`s way in and you know what that means.The holiday rush and New Years breakable resolutions.
I`ll have to go to the beach one mo gin before I hang the bathing suite up.
Ahhhhhhhhh to live is good.

I Can Do Better

I am extremly tired today because i didn`t go to bed till 4am.I am working on a demo and did not finish one of my tracks till late.I sometimes worry if i am a good singer or not.I have been in this game since i was in elementary school,i knew back then i wanted to sing for a living.I really got into music around junior high and was molded and guided in that direction as a career.
I just want the music to be good,i want folks to relate and connect with it.I know i am a tough critic when it comes to myself but i always feel i can do better.I know i get on my producers nerves beacause i always ask to do the note or verse over till i feel it`s good.

Well the track i finished this moring is a jazzy joint,in the cut ,the pocket... well what i am trying to say is it`s really mellow,dark,soothing and seductive.Now that`s just what the track and the way i sing my vocals suggest,the words say something totally different.Everytime i step to mic i pray i am doing the music and lyrics justice.I love music so much and i think about some of the artist out there and wonder what happend to the real music.I think about songs that spoke about love and not sex,human struggle and not how hard can i shake me ass.What about the songs that made me think about my community and not how many ways can i drive flash and floss my new whip in the projects i still live in.I really hope i can reach someone.

My comments are not a knock at certain entertainers,but i try to be conscience of what i put out into the universe.The things i put out there are a reflection of who i am so i need my ish to be on point.I will do my best to not be so hard on myself,but continue to remind myself i can do better.

Dance With ME Damn It!

I was on my way out the night this picture was taken, to a birthday party that the host never showed up to...go figure.I was lookin real cute that night too.
My friends and i got to the club and the men were so disappointing.Now when i go out it`s not to meet men,but i would at least like for them to ask a sista to dance.
I was in NYC for a Gurls Weekend,it was hot we had a ball.We ended up going to the really nice club.The men looked good the music was right and we all looked Dayum good.I noticed one group of good looking guys,some black,white,mixed all stading together chekin out the ladies.I was like cool for sure they will ask a women to dance.
Happy people came on...great a stepper song!All at the same time they break out in step,all together,all at the same time.WTH!
Not a one asked a women to dance,after the song was over they went back to there drinks and ass watchin.What`s the point of coming to a club and not dancing with anyone but yourself...much less your boys.I know i know...they could have been on the DL but dayum,Go Figure.