Find Your Happiness and Run With It

I said that yesterday on my Facebook page. I got a lot of great responses mainly because we all need hope. I go through the highs and lows of life and I am happy that at the end of the day I am still standing.

I was feeling pretty low last week when my bank account had been on E and they closed my savings. I have been doing all I can to find work, take care of my child and try to revive the artist in myself. I am spent. It's hard to write a song with a screaming baby in your ear, hence the time this blog is being written.

I want to sing again, act again,go back to school, move, find employment, buy a home,fall in love, get married, have another child,be happy and run with it.

The things I want in life are not just for me now, but for Jackson. Doing it by myself has not been easy but I am stronger than I thought...to God be the Glory. I need for my son to see that sometimes your will not have every one's support, you can accomplish your goals and fulfill your dreams.

For Reals I am Tired

     This week has been so full, full of everything. I have my nephew and niece over and Jackson, a ton of fun but a bunch of work. Father's Day was amazing the kids and I had lunch and played the rest of the beautiful day. It was great being honored even though I am not a father, I just do the work of one,lol. It was also great to honor the men who really step in to help me, I really appreciate them.

 God help me,I miss my old life and I pray for the struggling families like myself affected by the crush in the economy. Recession

Beware of the Crazy Folks

When people call you crazy, it's just their way of say you don't exist. Often times when people say and do things other folks don't agree with, it's easier for them to dismiss you by calling you crazy.

It's rude and very insulting and often times used way to loosely. Oh don't mind him or her there "crazy"...in other words don't listen to them, what they have to say does not matter. Be careful who you call crazy, you could be missing out on some great in site.

"The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. 'I don't understand this person. So they're crazy.' That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick."
Dave Chappelle

I want to live in a world where hate does not exist.

Please, before you watch this, know that it is very offensive to African Americans and all Americans. This video pissed us off and made us holler back at the screen. Their actions and portrayals appear to be just as hateful and dangerous as the KKK.

Video from livesteez

Sleep where is it at 3:37 am

Lil has awoken, he's calling my name...well "Ma" like a million times. He's agitated and so am I. I want to sleep... He screams "Ma"!!! to the top of his lungs. Go to bed baby, Mama is tired.

Forgive

So back in the day when I fronted a band, I had a blow out with a former member. He said some things and done some things I said some things, it was really bad. I felt disrespected in the situation and needed him out of the equation. So he has since reached out to me twice, the first time I ignored him and this time I asked the question.

What do you want from me? Why do you keep trying to be my friend? I explained to him why I distanced myself and he asked to be forgiven. He apparently was not in a good place in his life and took it out on others. I can understand that and I can forgive him. I am not saying we are going to be kicking back with a few brews but I have let our past go.

There are things I have learned to let go and I am working hard to structure who I am to deal better when people are not kind. I know we will all make mistakes, I just have to allow folks to use my life as the foundation to make them. Forgiving, letting go and embracing.

Jesus said that you forgive them 70 times 7. However, this does not mean that you have to be their friend or take them back.

Jesus said that you forgive them 70 times 7. However, this does not mean that you have to be their friend or take them back.

My Ellington Family

I had a blast over the Memorial Weekend seeing all my Ellington Family. It was a big boost for the Alumni Association to have such a big out come. I look forward to all the other successful events.

Jacqueline Ellison

"Get on Board..."

Nearly 100 alumni, representing multiple classes and departments, reunited at Lucky Strike Bowling Alley and Lounge in Gallery Place D.C.

The atmosphere was festive as alums reconnected with old friends while making new ones. This is a testament to the Ellington spirit that continues to live within us all: from '78 to '08.

Troy D. Prestwood

"Take the A Train."

Random Scribes from the Gut

I have incredible faith that God is going to work everything out. I just know he is going to answer my prayers. Lord knows I do my best and I know I have more in my to give. He has kept Jackson and I this long and I am truly in awe of his work. I am asking him to order my steps and remove the stresses that are attempting to plague my life.

I have to stretch my arms out,close my eyes and just fall back and trust he will catch me. The longer I allow my Ex or anyone to try and stress me, the further away my sandy beach feels. I say sandy beach because that's the place I imagine...warm, waves crashing, peace.

Don't get me wrong there is no major drama besides the kind folks seem to want to drag me into. I dodged that bullet this week and nobody got mad at me, not that I would care if they did. You can't change people but you can change yourself. I figure once you do that the situation changes and you are in control. I try to follow this advice for myself and for the most part it works with a couple of slips here and there. Praying for some breakthroughs, see you on the other side.

Potty Adventures

Jackson got a potty today and he used it!!! About an hour ago he boo-booed. I just got him out of the tub and he tried to pee-pee standing up. A little squirt came out and I was trying to aim it but nothing came out. I sat him down on it for awhile but he had nothing to give. So the adventure begins and I am so excited, wish me luck.

Music in my mind

Got some melodies floating around in me, feeling the creativity all about.

I only create when I am inspired, anything other that that for ME...makes me a factory. Got some real powerful stuff I want to let out, working on trying to write again. Not a lot of time for myself to do ME,but God will create a way, I know he will.

I miss the studio, I miss auditioning, I miss singing, I miss being a working performer. Ok signing off now...I got to change this situation now.

So Me, Eventually

Antique or Vintage

You are a romantic. Valentine's Day is probably your favorite holiday. You have a sweet tooth and love comfort items like your favorite pillow and coffee mug. You probably watch old movies and aren't a bit ashamed to cry in front of others. You laugh loud and love well.

Uuuuugggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!! #$*&#@!

Update 1:03 am Went to the gym and worked some of the stress off.


I have never met any human being in my life that can get under my skin like him (No this is NOT LOVE). I can't even find a word and I am still reeling from our fight last night. This is really about to end, my neck is tight and I am stressed. I am trying to get my footing in all this. I have to shake it off. I have to continue to fight to get my life back in order, I have do it for my son and myself. Once upon a time I thought the world of this guy, I admit I overlooked some major things and I allowed him to play on my vunerabiliites. My son is here now and I really need to pray to keep him on track, keep myself on track.


Oh God Help Me!!!! I have a headache.

A Must Read

Heather Armstrong on Parenting, PPD, and Her Love for Brad Pitt
by Susan Wagner Apr 13th 2009 2:00PM

Categories: Life & style




By now, you probably know the back story: In 2001, Heather Armstrong started a blog she called Dooce (after her repeated and much-mocked typo for "dude") where she wrote about things like her love of Carnation milk and her boss. A year later, after the boss found her site, Armstrong was fired from her job, a move that brought the word "dooced" into the slang vernacular ("getting fired because of something that you wrote in your weblog").


These days, Dooce.com is one of the web's most popular personal blogs, with an average of 5 million readers each month, and Armstrong, a former Mormon who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, is one of the most recognizable faces in the blogosphere. She is also mom to a 5-year-old daughter, Leta, and is awaiting the birth of her second child, also a daughter, due in June. And she's written a New York Times bestseller, It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, A Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita, which chronicles her struggle with post-partum depression.

Armstrong's book, which draws heavily on posts from her blog, was inspired by the response she had from readers who followed the story of her post-baby breakdown. "I got a lot of emails from women who said, 'Thanks for writing this, my sister doesn't really use the Internet, can I print out what you wrote and send it to her?'" Armstrong says. "I thought, there's probably an audience of women who need this story."



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Armstrong herself had no support system when Leta was born in 2004. "I didn't have the village, or even the neighborhood, to come take the kid so I could sleep," she says. Her husband, Jon, was working full-time and Armstrong was alone with her daughter and her fears. "I felt like asking for help was an admission of failure," she says, and so she didn't. But then in August of 2004, when Leta was 6 months old, Armstrong checked herself into a psychiatric ward because her anxiety was making it impossible for her to function. At the time, she wrote on her blog: "I have to believe that going to the hospital is at least going to let me clear my head, or that it may actually provide an answer. I have to believe in something right now because I don't feel like I have any hope. This anxiety is so painful, and I don't see an end to it."
Celeb Parent AdviceGetty16 photos "I think our kids will look back on all that as being really funny when they get older, because they think of us as being really dorky -- in fact, the dorkiest people on the planet! We are very much just parents together, although we have moments of being sexy and fun, and I do find him very sexy, obviously. I believe we are together for all the other reasons."
Angelina Jolie, on being "sex symbol" parents (Note: Please disable your pop-up blocker)
Celebrity Parent Quotes
"The key to beauty is always to be looking at someone who loves you. Henry, who can't say all the words...sometimes he'll see me and go, "Ma-ma!" and throw himself on me. Or Finn says he likes my earrings. Or Hazel will say, "You look pretty, Mama," first thing in the morning...They're seeing the things that [my husband] does.

The coolest thing you can do for your children is to love each other in their presence." -
Julia Roberts

WireImage

"I'm like an alcoholic. It's like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I'm fat, I'm just gonna do it for one more week, one more month, and then, when I see how much good it is doing her, I can't stop. It's a very powerful thing you know."
Salma Hayek

Getty Images

"My first job in all honesty is going to continue to be mom-in-chief," she said, "making sure that in this transition, which will be even more of a transition for the girls ... that they are settled and that they know they will continue to be the center of our universe."
Michelle Obama


"I think I'm a pretty cool dad."
Barack Obama


"There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'"
Jerry Seinfeld


"Sometimes I end up having to wipe my son's nose on my shirt, so it can't be silk and cost $800."
Keri Russel


"Apparently, I get facials and manicures all the time. I read this and think, 'Oh, I wish I did that!' I don't think I've had a facial since I was 19. When I shave my legs, I use my child's shampoo and a razor -- if I can find one. If I did everything they said I did, I would never see [my daughter] Lily."
Kate Beckinsale


"I think our kids will look back on all that as being really funny when they get older, because they think of us as being really dorky -- in fact, the dorkiest people on the planet! We are very much just parents together, although we have moments of being sexy and fun, and I do find him very sexy, obviously. I believe we are together for all the other reasons."
Angelina Jolie, on being "sex symbol" parents


"Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head."
Carol Burnett


"We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."
Matthew McConaughey, on the birth of his son Levi.





This time, though, Armstrong is confident that things will be different. "I feel so much more ready for it," Armstrong says of the post-baby anxiety. "I have put physical things in place in my offline life" to prevent the collapse that followed Leta's birth. The biggest change this time around is that Armstrong's husband, Jon, will be working from home rather than driving away to an office every day. "There's an actual phsiycial person who will be in my house with me," Armstrong says. "I'm not scared at all."

Having her husband at home has been the biggest payoff of Armstrong's blogging success. In September of 2005, Jon Armstrong quit his job; since then, he has helped Heather manage the website. But Armstrong loves having her husband work at home for more personal reasons. "It's given my husband a chance to have a relationship with our daughter that he wouldn't have had," she says. Armstrong's success as a writer and blogger has given her family an opportunity that few have, to be together all the time, and has allowed her husband to be a full-time father to their daughter. For Armstrong, that matters more than anything.

What fascinates Dooce readers more than anything, though, is the financial success of Armstrong's blog. Last week, Oprah Winfrey announced that Armstrong earns $40,000 a month on the advertising at her web site. Armstrong calls this number "inaccurate" and "grossly inflated," and says that the talk of her earnings is her least favorite part of her work. "It's no one's business," Armstrong says, adding, "it's not polite to talk about money where I come from." But she understands the fascination with her earnings; blogging, she says, is a new medium, and "If that number is real, then holy shit!" What is the most remarkable, of course, is that Armstrong has made a career -- and a successful one -- out of writing about her family, telling the same stories that all mothers tell about their babies. Her success, both as a blogger and as an author, validates all those stories in ways that nothing else does.

For Armstrong, blogging isn't about being famous or making a living; it's about telling a story. "I come from a long line of Southern storytellers who like to sit around and make each other laugh. This was the perfect medium," she says. "I am so lucky to be able to do that for a living; it's one of the greatest joys in my life to be able to do that. I imagine sitting around with my family and trying to make my brother laugh, because he has this great laugh."

Leta's birth morphed Armstrong from cutting edge blogger to mom blogger overnight, much to the dismay of some Dooce readers, who vocally expressed their displeasure. These days, Armstrong says, her readers are primarily women; based on turnout during her recent book tour, lots of those women are pregnant. "I signed someone's belly in Seattle," she says with a laugh. But while Heather Armstrong may be the Internet's most famous mommy blogger, she's not handing out parenting advice. "I only give parenting advice when people ask me," she says, "because I wanted to punch people in the face when they gave me advice." What's the worst advice she ever got? "Oh all you need to do is sleep when they sleep! It does not happen that way. You get to a point where that kid doesn't take but a fifteen minute catnap," she says, slipping into her famous Southern drawl.

What about the best advice? Still laughing, Armstrong admits that her favorite piece of parenting advice came from Brad Pitt. "They had just brought Zahara home," she says, and she read an interview with Pitt, who said "Here's the thing with kids; you've got to give them warning." That little piece of wisdom was the key, Armstrong says. "I don't know why we hadn't though about that before," she says, "it changed our lives." They give Leta, now five, a heads up for everything, and life goes smoothly. "I have a huge place in my heart for Brad Pitt, and not just because he's so sexy," Armstrong confesses.

As she looks forward to the arrival of her new baby, Armstrong says that her biggest concern is "folding her into my work schedule." That, and naming the baby. "I would tell you what we're naming her, but Jon hasn't made up his mind. We're going to be that couple who leaves the hospital with an unnamed baby. I can't believe we're going to be that couple," Armstrong laughs.

On The Daily Grind

Jackson is sleeping in his crib. Some nights are good and some are not so good. About to throw potty training in the mix. It's a bit stressful not having reinforcement in the home but we are making it work. Sometimes I am dog tired especially if we are at Kenny's early in the morning. I like the fact that because we are there so early he is sleep by 10pm. Finally somewhat of a schedule but it feels like I am juggling all the time, most of the time. I am tired. I am not complaining just venting I guess. I have somewhat joined the ranks of so many women who are trying to balance everyday Mommy life. I got somethings in the works and I am anxious to see how it all goes down.


I am not going to lie, I envy the weekend Daddies, chill during the week, not have to wash a ton of clothes all the time, get just themselves ready, eat a meal uninterrupted,watch a show,run errands etc. I could go on and on but I really need a day within the week just for me. Tired as all get out right now and I am going to sleep in a few( I cried the other day I was so tired). I miss you bloggie boo, we have not connected in a while. I promise I will come back and fill you with my everyday adventures.


Peace Homies

Still

Still thirsty to learn, explore, love, give, forgive, rise, fly, sore...

This is going to be an interesting year, looking forward to what each season brings.

The Weekend

So the weekend was great. Friday night made an appearance at Midge's birthday party, had dinner at an authentic Moroccan restaurant complete with belly dancers on Saturday night. Sunday afternoon we went for a walk. The weather was amazing and so was the conversation I appreciate a good walk, it's free and a good way to bound. Once my lil one got home this evening we took Jackson for a walk too down Chinatown. The weekend was a great one and I can't wait for more.

February

Jacqueline took What does your birthday say about you? quiz and the result is February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

Falling Down

So when I was about 2 months pregnant with Jackson I slipped and feel on some ice the day before my birthday. Jamar feel too trying to help me and it hurt so bad the next couple of days afterward. Well I fell today the day before my birthday with my 17 month old Jackson in my hand. I was leaving Nicci's house with Jackson in one arm and bags in the other. I did not notice the ice and water on her outside stairs and went tumbling down. I took a hot bath but I am still in pain. I hope I feel better soon.

Some Evening Sexy

I don't care what they say, I love Kanyeezy and all his sexy spoiled brat swag. He is so dang fine

Another Pathetic Display of Haterism

The NY Post is getting waaaay out of pocket now:

The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding that The New York Post, which has come under fire in the past for racially tinged cartoons, explain what it meant in its latest controversial offering.

Played prominently on today’s editorial pages, the cartoon depicts two police officers – one with his smoking gun drawn – standing over what appears to be a dead chimpanzee in a pool of blood. One officer says to the other: “Now they’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.”

Is begs the question: Are they referring to the dead chimp as the president of the United States?

Without jumping to conclusions I tried to determine what the $787 billion stimulus package signed into law yesterday and the police shooting of a raging mad chimpanzee have in common.

The Rev. Al Sharpton appears to be a bit puzzled as well. “Being that the stimulus bill has been the first legislative victory of President Barack Obama (the first African American president) and has become synonymous with him it is not a reach to wonder whether the Post cartoonist was inferring that a monkey wrote it?”

The Rev. Al Sharpton is demanding that The New York Post, which has come under fire in the past for racially tinged cartoons, explain what it meant in its latest controversial offering.

“On its face, it appears that the Post is not only calling Obama an ape, but a dead ape. “The cartoon in today’s New York Post is troubling at best, given the racist attacks throughout history that have made African-Americans synonymous with monkeys,” Sharpton writes on his National Action Network Web site. “One has to question whether the cartoonist is making a less than casual inference to this form of racism when, in the cartoon, the police say after shooting a chimpanzee, ‘now they will have to find someone else to write the stimulus bill, Sharpton writes.

Weak Willed

Lord I have been ready to work for some time now. Please send me something soon, what I thought I was promised feel through. I am trying to keep my head up, I have not and will not cry about it, that time is over. Please restore my health, give me a hug. I know that you love me and I am feeling a little under the weather, physically, emotionally. This week has been a struggle. I feel like just saying forget all the prayers and hard work and doing whatever I want.

God help my I feel like my salvation is on the line. I keep thinking about sex, thinking of what it would feel like again. I feel bad for fooling around the other day. I was so self conscience of my midsection that I would not allow his hands to roam free. Even though we were just kissing and touching, he did not know me. He does not know my heart and I do not know his. I miss being held at night. I am lonely, not alone but lonely. Sometimes the weight of everything is on my shoulders and I miss someone there to just say " I love you and everything is going to be ok". I miss being reached for in the middle of the night. I miss curling up and holding someone, laughing in the morning. I just wonder when the release is going to come. I need God to hide me, I am feeling so weak and fragile. I have faith that God will refresh and restore, I am holding on, please save me.

25 Random things About Me

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right-hand corner of the page), then click Publish.)


1. I really tried to avoid doing this.

2. I lived in a battered woman's shelter with my mother my 6th grade school year, commuted back and forth and never told any of my schoolmates.

3. I would prefer to watch and have a deep love for "Period Movies" like Elizabeth and The Libertine. I also would rather listen to 80's music, especially light rock and my favorite song from that era is "Everything She Wants" by Wham the extended version. Plus I still have a crush on Andrew Ridgeley from the that group.(Hey is that like 3 or 4 extra things,whateva lol)

4. Gained and still maintain a crush on President Jimmy Carter after attending the debate between he and successor President Reagan in there 1980 Capital Hill debate. I think it was his quiet speech and kind eyes that got me.

5. I have a hard time forgiving people especially when that have done me wrong, hurt my feelings, or have talked to me crazy. I would sooner completely cut them out of my life and never be bothered with them again. Often times they never know I am upset with them and will still hold full conversations with them( strange right?) I know I have to forgive so that God will forgive me so I am working on that...don't rush me,lol.

6. I wish I did not miss Tiffany so much and wishes I could have rescued her and all the little girls/women that have been used,abused and tossed aside. I am still rescuing my inner little girl and often wonder how I would be differently if my dad stuck around.

7.I have major stage fright and anxiety when preparing for any performance. Even at this stage in the game I am not as confident as I appear.

8.Absolutely terrified of raccoons and possums and can't bare to see any of them in person or on TV. I will freak out, but have a strange attraction to snake but will never want to get face to face with one...there still sexy though.

9. Most of my friends consider me the " Most Adventurous". They usually wait for me to do something out of the norm before they do it, I guess I am the volunteer guinea pig. I guess they would also consider me a " Connector" Ask Jackie she knows,lol.

10. Never done anything for Valentine's Day (EVER)

11. Trained professionally and performed Ballet and Modern Dance up until the age of 15.

12. It's 7:02 am and as you can see I am up, I have yet to go to sleep. I have suffered with a sleep disorder since I was a little girl.

13.I have been celibate for going on 2 years on February 16th 2009, thank you God for your promises. Being obedient to God's word is very important to me.

14. I love make up and wish I had more of it, especially M.A.C. I also love to beat my face, your face and your friends face and hit the town. Hey did that sound violent?

16. As far as my extended family I am only really close to my Mommy, Uncle Horace, Cousin George and Cousin Addie. I hope to be closer to my sister Neptune one day and Brittany, well you all know Brit, she's the baby a handful but I love her still. My girlfriends Manyka, Keeva, Kiana, Lattefah, Alyce, Anita are like my sisters, we hold each other up and together. Sounds like a good bra don't it,lol. Oh and I found out I have 2 sisters on my father's side that he never mentioned, I hope to meet them one day.

17.Always wanted to move to New York and become a world renowned Singer and Actress, but was always to scared to leave my mother.

18. I hope my friends know that I love them and would give them the world If I could. I sometimes get so busy and distracted that I don't always connect with them on a regular basis. Please forgive me.

20. I am able to understand and count my blessing one by one.

21. I still love my son's father very much and healing from the fact that we did not work out. Ahhh such is life, we have a beautiful son from our union and I am so grateful. I was told my chances of having children were slim to none and look what God did. I still believe in love and marriage and if God allows it, it will happen again. I am optimistic and open to old and new love and more children." Good Morning" by India Arie

22.I think I have a very mild form of OCD but I tend to ritualize in my mind for fear that others will catch on. Either it's that or I am extremely anal. I also obsess about death and wish my mother would out live me so I won't have to miss her.

23. I consider myself a romantic but struggle with affection. I often want to hug and kiss the people I love but hold back from fear of being rejected. I hate being rejected... I think we all do.

24. I would love lose 100 lbs, have a sick six pack and run around in a skimpy bikini every summer.

25. I am a ordained minister with the Universal Life Church, who wants to get married?

Flakin Out

Just when I think I am ready to jump into something romantic I get cold feet. I have already had my heart stomped on,kicked around and spat on, I don't know if I am ready to do that again. I think about Everette and the friendship that we have and I worry that if I dive in there is a chance it will be ruined. I never fell in love with him, but I recognize that he really cherishes who I am and has genuine love for me and my son. I love him for loving me flaws and all.

I wonder if moving away is the best move, I guess it's the exhaustion talking. I think about the pros of entering into a relationship for myself and Jackson. The thought of having someone who wants to be a father to Jackson and a mate/husband for me make me nervous and happy all at the same time. I know a healthy family unit would be nothing but good for both of us. BUT...is Everette the man I want to be with? I really don't know and I would like to be sure. I have been sure only once in my life but it did not work out. I knew I was sure because even though I have loved, I never allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. I think there are so many qualities that I love about him but I want complete chemistry.

When I was sure before there was nothing I would not do. I was in it 100% and now I just don't think so. Now that I am attempting to date again, I find I would rather be alone most times. With the No Go on Sex most guys don't stick around. It's funny because the excitement of hanging out with someone new is a high. It's just easier to be alone because I am not willing to break my promise to God. I fooled around the other night and it was ok BUT. All I could think about was the unfamiliarity of it and never could get lost in the feeling. I guess I am caught in the "Last Man" cycle and it so sucks. For me the last man I was with was my son's father and he know me in a biblical way. I was receptive to his touch because I considered myself his. Dating, fooling around can be exciting,unfamiliar and sometimes nerve racking. I guess If I ever meet a man who I know is in it to win my heart, I can allow my body to go with the flow, but my faith is always saying....this is wrong.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't plan on "givin it up", but I have to relearn what it is to be intimate without memories of the "Last Man".. Am I being flaky or just really really picky?

Expressions

Music is so very important to me. I think when all is crazy in the world/my world a songs can sum up exactly what I am feeling. I have only had one person tell me I talk too much but really I struggle with adequately expressing myself. Most times when I am hurt, brokenhearted,feeling high off of God's word,brand new and refreshed I play my favorite songs. I think of songs to help me say what's on my heart. I am struggling to gain my confidence back in expressing myself. Having to edit yourself to suite someone else can be debilitating to the soul especially when all you want is to express your love,pain and joy. When someone is baring there soul,you should be honored. So many times I think of past performances and I bared my soul, naked to allow people in.

When I think of the loss of a loved one either in death or life there is always a song there that helps me with the grief. I don't have a lot of love songs by men that I like so when I find one I store it in my mental rolodex. I imagine that some guy whoever ( usually in my daydreams my love interest face is blurred so I never know what he looks like) either sings the song to me or dedicates it to me. Ahhh I love a good love song, not always the please take me back, baby I messed up ones. I love when he just states the love he feels. So I am excited about my new playlist on the right. I think a song I love pops into my head everyday. Each one is personal and you can ask me what each one means to me. I have a direct attachment to each because of something that has taken place to me personally.

Once upon a time I used to write my own music and poetry. Somewhere along the line it stopped. I can't force it and if I am inspired to write something down I will. I miss being in that creative space but my life has changed so much in the past 2 years that the things that were my focus have been put on the back burner. My priorities have changed and being an artist is now my former life. I used to dream of being super mom, wife, singer, songwriter, humanitarian, actress, director. Funny how choices change EVERYTHING. At least I have a ton of songs to help me dream even if it is only a dream.

If I ever win the lottery, I would build a music/dance studio in my home. I can dance whenever I want to the music flowing in that room. My days as a dancer/ballerina are behind me but I respect movement and a great song. I am always in the things that God has created and music is one of them. The pull I have to music is so intense and often times unavoidable. Everyone has something that they love and music is a love of mine.

Enjoy

My Little Part in History

Yesterday I...

So Everette and I have talked and things are 100% clear like they always have been. One thing I love about him is he never plays any games and he is very considerate. So I was ready to just say forget it and keep him at a distance like I have been for the past 8 years but I decided to just go with it. He's a very loving individual who has always been in my corner, I am happy to say we are friends. We talked today and like usual it's easy, I missed being able to just call and say hi to someone or they call me.

It feels good to know that when you call, the person on the other end is happy to hear from you and you don't get a " What's up". I always felt like that was so ...ummm buddyish? Vacant and without feeling at least from a guy. I can only say I have only been lucky to have that happen to me with one man and let's just say I don't have to hear that anymore. Even though we are miles away I still get " Hey beautiful and I love you". I don't know if it can get better than that but it feels real good.

I ran into this dude the other night and he has been trying to go on a date with me since I was 7 month pregnant(YUCK). I mean I guess I should have felt good but I was still very much in love with Jamar despite us not being together. There was no way I wanted any parts of any guy. Anywho he's cool folks and he really takes care of my nephew so we have a good social association with each other. He called yesterday afternoon and the conversation was cool. He said "Jackie you look really good and very happy". I told him about the postpartum and the depression that followed, he said he noticed. I told him I know that it is something that follows me but I am doing better and I feel like I am back to my old self again. He earned several cool points with me when he said " I will call from time to time to see how you are feeling emotionally".

Though I am not on any medication which I don't feel like I have to be, I understand why I am the way I am. My good friend Alyce said she tells Walter " When we don't hear from Jackie or see her she is probably going through, when she's good she will call". I love her for knowing me and understand me and all my flaws. I remember not wanting her to be mad with me for getting pregnant, she's like my big sis. She told me "friends love you unconditionally" and I was able to shed the shame I was feeling about the whole thing. Here I was single, scared, pregnant, stressed to no end and the biggest thing was I am not married and I have let people down. She show me love beyond measure and I am so thankful I did do her make up that fateful night backstage.

I went to the thrift store with my girlfriends the other day and got Jackson some cool stuff, plus Nicci and I hit up Wal-Mart for some clean products. Sorry folks I don't lead that much of an exciting life anymore. The highlight of my day is when " Between The Lions, and Sesame Street" come on.

So I am still up, tummy aching...Who is gonna take care of me? ME!!! I got to do what I got to do. My foot is killin me too, I may have to see a doctor about it because it does not feel good at all. I will clean when I get up and get Jackson ready for the weekend. I think we will go for a walk just before his dad come so he can get some fresh air. It's cold but he does not care as long as he can run and play. Ain't life grand where your that wee.

Bill O'Reilly and Dennis Miller on Hova and Jeezy

There looking at everything we do folks, be mindful. Any opportunity they get they will pounce and throw it in our faces.

Question of the Day

I was not surprised by this, that's why I am OPEN. Let's get it in folks, let's do some abnormal ish and actually build families. Because what is normal is for our children to grow up not knowing what an intack family unit it supposed to look like.

What’s the biggest problem facing Black America in 09′:

Thank you for voting!
The Recession 15% (1189 votes)

The "Baby Mama" culture, too many single parent homes 47% (3605 votes)

Racism and Lack of Opportunity 10% (810 votes)

Religion: Black people are too drunk on religion 4% (323 votes)

Morality: We Need More Jesus and Better Morals 23% (1793 votes)
Total Votes: 7720
Return To Poll
PollDaddy.com

Never Done

My days and nights run into each other, things to do, people to see and be momma too. I thought about this as I was washing clothes about and hour ago. The word disparaging came to me and God spoke to me directly on this. I was like really God, I had a clue but thank you for confirmation. At the end of our lives God will judge us not each other BUT, we must not be so careless as to cause doubt or disparage our brothers and sisters. Example I thought about my son's father and something he said he spoke about, about me. He said and I quote " When I talk to people I say Jackie is a good mother, I won't take that away from here but her priorities are not in order". That is a disparaging remark on me and my character. Somethings should never be said, lines should not be crossed but people do it anyway. I can say thank you Jesus I have never done that to him. I am 100% sure none of those people know me personally but have a permanent opinion of me now.

I really sacrifice for my son, I even withstood his father verbal intimidation when it came to child support. I could have went ahead to get it taken care of in the courts, not because I wanted to nail him to the system...but so I could at least go to school for free... SOMETHING. I decided to not hear him yelling at me because I needed money at the first of the month and not the middle or that I could gain opportunities. Bills were late but they got paid, I stretched every last penny until they yelled Uncle. My priority is my son and some would say take him to court but I say my God is a good God and he is my provider.

So as soon as I can make some money I am heading south. I am going to pack myself and my son up and see how I like where Everette lives. I figured no harm to be open and check it out for a couple of weeks or so. I just know I have to move, I like where I live but certain things are just not working out. I hate to have to pack up AGAIN but this time I won't have to move within 7 days. If I go I don't know how it's going to work because I have not dated ANYONE in 2 years. It may not be bad Everette and I have a 8 year history and were both single.Jamar was the last man I was with was involved with in ANY and EVERY sense of the word but I am now open to possibly seeing what Everette has to offer Jackson and I. I know he loves me and Jackson but I need to sure about what I am contemplating getting us into. I only said I would move if I got married so who knows what will happen.

All I know right now is that I have come to a place where I am open to being loved privately and publicly. I am open to another man being a prominent part of our lives. I am open to a new kind of family unit, I am open to jointly raising Jackson with someone other than his father, I am OPEN. I never thought I would even have to do it but life serves up all kinds of things.When I was pregnant, I could never imaging being involved with anyone else and that my womb was a sacred place. No other man could or would be privy to my child and I. Now I am on my own, doing it all alone on a daily basis and it's hard but rewarding, I am OPEN. I waited to date, but I feel I am ready now. I deserve to hang out and have a good time once in awhile. The problem about dating before was I was not ready emotionally. I think of that line in Family Reunion where Frankie says...“Some men come to restore.” Part of giving up sex is that some men don't stick around, I know one who did. I never looked at the past potential suitors as bad men, but I am in a different place and getting to really know someone is important to me. Yeah I got 2 good kisses but had to cut that out once things seemed to be getting too heated. I don't mislead people because I know how unthoughtful that can be and It has been done to me and It aint cool.

Ok I have blabbed enough but God was tugging at me. I have to remember to be an example and not a hindrance in my actions. I am not saying I free from wrongfulness but he was speaking to me and I could not ignore him. How are we lifting each other up?

For Every Mountain

So like my celibacy I asked God to stay my tongue. Most times when your flesh is weak it is hard to submit to the will of God. I asked that he keep me and when he sees fit, he will restore all things. I love that my President's slogan is "Change" or at least one of his slogans. I realized I had been praying for change for sometime now. There was a realization that there was no follow through on my behalf, my light bulb moment was still yet to come. Stripping down and allowing myself to be broken and I mean true brokenness has not been easy. It would mean that I would fully have to rely on God to cover me.

There was a heated discussion Jamar and I had I recall being stressed out. I had been notified by the landlord that he did not receive 2 months worth of rent. I know that I bought the money orders and mailed them, why he failed to mention it is beyond me. The refrigerator was down and he had yet to pay the gas bill. The lights were cutting on and off and I was tired. Why should Jamar or anyone for that matter care about my stress, so for that I asked God to just break me down. I realized I am completely on my own raising my son because his father and I are in 2 different books. When I began to surrender the blessing started to come in. My phone bill got paid, the lights stayed on,the gas has not been cut off, God was and is slowly Healing the bruises left on my heart and he is wiping each tear away.

I recall in that same conversation wanting to say what was really on my heart but true to form Jamar reminded me to not do that. I am glad I took his advice because he could use it against me at a later time. Not everyone will care about your hardship and not everyone will build you up, sometimes they look at that as their golden opportunity to step on you. So I breath a big sigh of relief on that,and turn it over to God. I pray that I continue to be obedient. I thought about how grateful I am that with all my blessing I was able to take part in some of the Inaugural events. I am excited about the possibilities and the efforts that have paved the way so that I can be where I am. Tiffany, I know you are smiling down!!! I miss you, and I don't care if folks think I am crazy because I still talk out loud to you. I love you and miss you everyday. You are present everyday and I still can't believe that you are dead. There I said it dead...never did I ever think you would leave this world the way you did. Feeling sick now

Wellspring

I keep an never ending supply of moments, and conversation in my mental rolodex. I have been sitting on this for a while.

I should get paid for all the input I give. I have had the opportunity to have people seek advice from me many a time. I remember a funny incident where I gave my input and it was rejected off the bat, I guess the individual did not want me in there business so they continued to be vague. True story they still ended up calling me asking for help and even went with the name I suggested ( I am entitled to royalties haha), I guess they ate a piece of humble pie and had to gave a sista a ring. I am a wellspring and I should get paid for my input. I claim my blessings in Jesus name. I love to be creative, it's just the way God made me so from here on out I will use my talents like he would want me to. I just had a lady call me the other day asking for help, I got to get her some sort of contract soon before I agree to help her out. Now I am not saying she will do it, but folks will use you to get what they want and toss you on your tucus. Be it sex, money, time,love, joy and even your kindness when they don't deserve it.
You can't let the take your salt folks remember that.


Understanding is a wellspring of life unto him that hath it; but the instruction of fools is folly. --Prov. xvi. 22.
The source of a stream or spring.
A source: a wellspring of ideas.
1. the source of water for a well
2. an abundant source; "she was a well of information"

Halloween 2008

My Altar Deposit

So last Sunday, I thanked God for all my blessings. I asked him to guide me and that I understands he requires my brokenness. I want to be the vessel he needs me to be so that his name can be glorified. I will take my prayer of forgiveness to the altar because I am living by faith now. As I look back over my life I would be so sad and question why God would allow things to happen to me. I can stand now and say God brought me though and my life is a testimony. Being abused, rejected, misused, I was a little girl going on a grown woman. I experienced things a child should never be privy to. I remember things happening and just frozen because I did not know why the person was mistreating me. I look back now and I can say in my heart, God I forgive them. Even my father, God I forgive him. I can't say we will be hanging out anytime soon but I pray for him all the time, and I want God to continue to cover him.

I never understood why Roni treated me bad until we had a long talk. She recognized what kind of friend I was and how she acted but the biggest thing that she said was "Hurt people hurt people". I never understood why people would hurt each other when they were sad until we had that talk. If I was sad I just isolated myself, fall into a depression and focus on something until I was able to face the world again. I focused/obsessed over my son during my depression. I never wanted him out of my site because I was afraid of what I would do to myself when he was not near. I will admit that his smile,touch and playfulness took my mind off my own personal grief. I am still grieving for Tiffany and his smile melts the sadness away. So I came across the post on forgiveness and Jesus says to forgive seventy-seven times, we are in a continued state of forgiveness. So even though there are things I have moved past, I still have to take it to God to ease the pain in my heart. Forgiveness does not happen overnight but with faith you can leave it with God to have the last say.

So for you reading pleasure here is the post I ran across.

It is not uncommon for Christians to have questions about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not come easy for most of us. Our natural instinct is to recoil in self-protection when we've been injured. We don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace and forgiveness when we've been wronged.

Is forgiveness a conscious choice, a physical act involving the will, or is it a feeling, an emotional state of being? The Bible offers insight and answers to these and many more common questions about forgiveness. We'll take a look at the most common questions and find out what the Bible says about forgiveness.

Is forgiveness a conscious choice, or an emotional state?
I believe forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by obedience to God and his command to forgive.
The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us:

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (NIV)
How do we forgive when we don't feel like it? How do we translate the decision to forgive into a change of heart?
We forgive by faith, out of obedience. Since forgiveness goes against our nature, we must forgive by faith, whether we feel like it or not. We must trust God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.
I believe God honors our commitment to obey Him and our desire to please him when we choose to forgive. He completes the work in his time. We must continue to forgive (our job), by faith, until the work of forgiveness (the Lord's job), is done in our hearts.

Philippians 1:6
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. (NLT)
How will we know if we have truly forgiven?
Corrie Ten Boom, a Christian woman who survived a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust, said, "Forgiveness is to set a prisoner free, and to realize the prisoner was you."
We will know the work of forgiveness is complete when we experience the freedom that comes as a result. We are the ones who suffer most when we choose not to forgive. When we do forgive, the Lord sets our hearts free from the anger, bitterness, resentment and hurt that previously imprisoned us.

Most times, however, forgiveness is a slow process.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. (NIV)
This answer by Jesus makes it clear that forgiveness is not easy for us. It's not a one-time choice and then we automatically live in a state of forgiveness. Forgiveness may require a lifetime of forgiving, but it is important to the Lord. We must continue forgiving until the matter is settled in our heart.
What if the person we need to forgive is not a believer?
I have found that prayer is one of the best ways to break down the wall of un-forgiveness in my heart. When I begin to pray for the person who has wronged me, God begins to give me new eyes to see that person and a new heart to care for that person. As I pray I begin to see that person as God sees them, and I realize that person is precious to the Lord. I also see myself in a new light, just as guilty of sin and failure as the other person. I too am in need of forgiveness. If God did not withhold his forgiveness from me, why should I withhold my forgiveness from another?
Is it okay to feel anger and want justice for the person we need to forgive?
This question presents another reason to pray for the person we need to forgive. We can pray for God to deal with the injustices, for God to judge the person's life, and then we can leave that prayer at the altar. We no longer have to carry the anger. Although it is normal for us to feel anger toward sin and injustice, it is not our job to judge the other person in their sin.
Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. (NIV)
Why must we forgive?
The best reason to forgive is because Jesus commanded us to forgive. We learn from Scripture, if we don't forgive, neither will we be forgiven:
Matthew 6:14-16
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (NIV)
We also forgive so that our prayers will not be hindered:
Mark 11:25
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. (NIV)
In summary and in closing, we forgive out of obedience to the Lord. It is a choice, a decision we make. However, as we do this "forgiving," we discover the command is in place for our own good, and we receive the reward of our forgiveness - freedom.

Grade School and Duke Ellington...Facebook is Amazing

Multitasking Mommy

So it is 2:15 am and Jackson is still up. He was doing so good for a while and then he is off schedule. There I am with relaxer in my hair in the shower and Jackson screaming at the top of his lungs. He wants me, he wants me to pick him up and he is acting like I was so far away. He was right at the end of the shower...water falling on the floor because he has the curtain back, he wants me to pick him up NOW!

My eyes are burning and Omar is trying his best to help me get his clothes off but he wants no parts of Omar's help. We finally get him in the shower with me but I am holding him in one hand and trying to wash the relaxer out with the other. I am partially blind at this point but he will not let me go, what can I do...nothing. I usually have to multitask nowadays because I am on my own. Some folks who are without kids would just suggest to plan better, with kids anything can happen.

Jackson and I usually eat and on the way wherever, I change diapers in the car, make calls,check email,clothing you name it I do...I have no choice. Most times I am so tired but you can't stop and rest there is always something to do. I just try to keep the home as tidy as I can and eat a decent meal when time permits. What's a momma to do. So as I am typing this blog he is now knocked out in my arms, what a lil tyrant,lol. I can lay him down and start working, this little bit of money will really come in handy.

The New Year is approaching and I am hoping I can get some rest/sleep with all I have going on.


Yours Truly the Multitasking Momma

Good Morning

We can't control our fate only God. I stand by every decision I made be it happy or hurtful, I grew because of it all. Though I may not be perfect I am human, I am a woman, I am emotional, hormonal, shy, bold, ambitious, scared out of my mind at times, fearless because of the God I serve, I am a mother, a woman, an aunt, a child,a self proclaimed flower child who craves structure and stability. I am ME.

I dedicate this blog to my own personal ladybug. God was speaking to me while we were away from each other. He came to me to tell me what was wrong with you and I understand and will always be here. This song reminds me of how I felt from September 19, 2005 to present day. Relationships can be work, sometimes were successful and sometimes they are not. I have had some good ones and some not so good ones, and just because I am no longer with the good ones does not mean I/We failed. I trusted God to take the lead and though those men are no longer in my life romantically I have learned from them and have lasting friendships. You deserve to be with someone who is your friend and understands and respects not just your wants but also your needs. God knows the exact blueprint for our lives so just know it's ok to trust him and he will heal the wounds. I hope you enjoy the lyrics to this song.

Good Morning - India.Arie


Good Mourning

Do do do
Do do do
Do do do do do do dooooooo (4 times)

Good morning silence
Good morning to myself

Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
oh ohhhhh~

Good mourning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets

I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone
Oh Ohhhhhh

Good mourning to the harsh realities of life
and good mourning to the fact we're not husband and wife

We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way
oh ohhhhhhhh

Good mourning~~~~

Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment
even the strain

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss
It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live
oh ohhhhhhhhhh

Good mourning~~~~

Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

I know that God's will, will be done
So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

I know that God's will, will be done.
So it's a good morning after all

Random Scribes from the Gut

So there are something I have been moving through. My girlfriend of 18+ years was brutally stabbed to death a month ago yesterday. The hurt comes in waves like all the other stresses. I was talking to my other friends who happen to be single mothers and I was relieved to get some confirmation and validation. I realize I am not alone but it is still sad that so many women share the same stories. Even though I don't run around with a banner saying look at my pain, the stress and isolation that I feel is not uncommon. Last month my refrigerator went out for about 3 weeks. Even though I get some food assistance, I still had to buy most of my day to day food at fast food establishments. That literally ate into my bills because I had to feed my baby as well.

The lights cut on and off and now I am a pro in knowing how to feel my way to get the lighter to light the candles so we are not sitting in the dark. The gas bill has not been paid in forever and the fear of rapidly thawing food and the expectation of the gas being cut off is a mental anguish fest. I tried my best to fix the garbage disposal but that is on the fritz too, I need to get better at repairing things after all I have a little one to take care of. I did my part now the landlord needs to do his. But in a way I just don't feel like the fuss, I would just rather move all together.

So the job market sucks but I did get a letter back from one company...some form. I filled it out mailed it back and I will keep my fingers crossed. I have been doing some data entry at night and I should be getting a little money for my work at the end of the month. I am happy about that because a sista needs some underwear. As long as Jackson has underwear can wait. You will surprised what you can do when your money is funny and your priorities are in order. God is good because I was still able to help another single mother in need all while my junk is going on. I felt so good being able to help my friend.

There was a light bulb that went off for me when I came to some realizations. God is so awesome. Many women who suffer postpartum depression/depression need all the love and support they can get. A lot of the things I said and did prior to and after my pregnancy stemmed from fear, high levels of stress, depression and eventually postpartum depression. My friends and family stood by me then and now no matter how neurotic my behavior was. I went through bouts of not being able to control myself and actions and not even realize what had happened. I have my good friend Nicci to be my memory and make fun of me so I don't take it so hard. I remember feeling so worthless and feeling like I had hit rock bottom. I don't remember what triggered some of the panic attacks but I think mice dying on my stove, roaches crawling on you and your baby during sleep and being single played a part. I don't blame myself anymore I blame the stress of what I was going through. The hormones, fear, the postpartum thing is a son of a bee sting. God is good... things could have turned out worse.

So many woman suffer in silence and in some cases either kill themselves or there children. I was alone and overwhelmed. I never knew things could seem so overwhelming when your raising children. Shout out to all the mothers who work everyday,go to school, cook, clean, raise the babies by themselves. Even when your not single mothers still bare the brunt. I remember when I was 14, I was in GW for depression after a suicide attempt. I remember there was a part of the ward where the room was padded and there was a young lady in the room. She had pale porcelain skin and red hair, I remember whispers that she was suffering from postpartum. I had no idea what that was but I felt bad that she was in there all alone. I suppose back then the treatment was isolation but I always wonder what happened to that lady. I kept a journal and stayed in prayer, I also went and sought professional help, I knew that no matter what the love for my child had to prevail. I had to know I was not crazy, so I surrounded myself with positive reinforcement. My mother suffers from depression and I know I am predisposed to the condition due to heredity. I don't blame my mother because I know it is the illness and not her. I look past it all because she can't help it. It is frustrating at times but I do my best to let her know she has my full support and love.

So I am looking to move, my mother just gave me a good tip today so I will be looking into that asap. Giving my son and myself a fresh start feels promising. Raising my son in a healthy environment is very important to me. Right now I am doing my best to line up my ducks in a row so that our transition goes smoothly. I feel a bit more relieved because there is a job waiting for me, I just have to get Jackson situated. For the first time I am ready to break free, I am no longer afraid.


Valencia called me today, she offered me an apology of how she treated me. It was a shock but I accepted it. I knew she was sorry but she mentioned that the holidays played a part in her decision to call. People get a wave of kindness what comes over them around this time, I will be watching to see how long all the good cheer will last. I can always forgive when I know that the other party truly understands the damage they have causedand not just regurgetate what you have expressed to them. I have never gone out of my way to be mean to anyone nor have I said or done anything that would place anyone in distress so when people do that to me I remove myself completely from the situation. We all make mistakes but you don't have to stay in the cycle of hurt. I got some closure today with her call, she told me she loved me and guess what I told her I loved her too and I really meant it. She invited me to Christmas dinner and asked to be a part of my life again. She explained that I, we had lost so much time growing up due to my estranged relationship with my father. She really wants to meet Jackson, let's just say I will proceed with caution.


So my friend paid to get my phone reconnected...yes being unemployed and living on a small amount of support catches up eventually. I was able to pay that bill and buy my son 2 things for Christmas. He's blessed with health, a home, cloths, food and love and this Christmas is going to be wonderful. Last years holiday was a heartbreaking disaster but I will make up for it this year. My niece and nephew will be here and I am very excited to spend it with them. It's been 2 years since we had Christmas together so I really can't wait. Once the holidays are over Jackson and I will be looking for a new home. My bills are pretty caught up and my friend will be hosting us at there home as we check out some places. I am so blessed to have such wonderful angels in my life.

I ask God to create me anew, give me a clean heart. All I want to do is serve him and be the best possible person I can be. I let my emotions get the best of me and I have to remember that he is in control. I know that there are demons that need to be exercised out of my life, I am asking daily for the strength to hold my head up and I know now to let God fight my battles from now on.

My Interview with William Kellibrew

--- On Tue, 12/16/08, William Kellibrew, IV wrote:

> From: William Kellibrew, IV
> Subject: Interview Questions
> To: "Jacqueline Ellison"
> Date: Tuesday, December 16, 2008, 8:10 AM
> Kellibrew: Welcome Jacqueline to my blogspot. I really
> appreciate you taking the time out of your schedule to tell
> us your story of tragedy to triumph. Yours, like so many
> other stories, need to be heard. So many people out there
> lack the strength and determination to push forward through
> tough relationships and abusive situations. I like to have
> these conversations to show them that there is a way out.
> So, Thank you for sharing. Tell me, you have told me
> somewhat about your story and I was simply amazed that you
> are alive. You have been through a difficult time as
> a child. What happened that day with your mother
> getting hit with a hammer? I am sure that was difficult
> to see.
>
> Jacqueline:
I was 11 or 12 years old, I just remember having to commute during my 6th grade year. My mother's family told her to leave or he will kill you and your children. My mother pregnant with my youngest sister and we came back to his home to get the rest of our belongings. I didn't care where we were going just being out of that situation was all I cared about. I just did not want my mother to hurt anymore and so we leaving and living in a shelter was the next move for my family and I.
I think my stepfather could sense that this was it and I remember him being drunk as usual. He sent me downstairs for some water and before I could make it up the last set of stairs, I heard a loud thud. He was standing there laughing and my mother was lying on the floor bleeding from her head. Her eyes were closed,she was unresponsive at that point I had never felt so alone in the world. She lay there lifeless very pregnant as my middle sister sat on the steps, she had to be about 5 years old.
I remember my stepfather chuckling in the hallway telling me she's fine and I yelling at him calling him the devil and he killed my mother. He eventually picked up up from the pool of blood she has been lying in and gave her smelling salts. He was now in panic mode and was sweating and trying to revive her. She eventually came to but her face was unrecognizable.
>
> Kellibrew: It really breaks my heart that women and
> individuals overall have to go through the abuse that your
> mother suffered, and not to mention your own. Your
> childhood was a difficult one too. What happened to you as
> a child that scarred you for life?
>
> Jacqueline:
I remember not knowing who my father was and asking my stepfather if I could call him daddy. It was right after my dance performance and he and my mother attended, of course he was drunk. I just wanted to be normal or at least pretend to be, so once we got him I asked him if I could call him daddy. I remember my mother was downstairs and he called me closer to him. He said sure..."Let me show you what daddy's do". I stood there more paralyzed with shock then fear as he proceeded to put his hands down my panties. I was also molested by 2 uncles in my mother family.

I have been raped twice and have dated some men who have either used and abused me sexually. Not all of my relationships were bad, some great but because of my history, I became involved with men who were had there own issues be it sexual or just a lack of regard with interacting with there female counterparts. I know that most of my history has shaped where I have been in my life and where I am still going, good and bad...hopefully more good.

I have since forgive them all but the memory still lingers. My stepfather killed himself once he knew my mother was not coming back, I forgive him because I know he was suffering too. As for my uncle's I am sure God will have the final say, I just pray that they are able to recognize the error in there actions.
>
> Kellibrew: You could be so many places, doing so many
> negative things. What keeps you motivated to keep
> striving in life? Tell me, how do you do it?
>
> Jacqueline:

God, he is the reason I am here. I did have some pitfalls and even attempted suicide at 14 I was close and had to be revivied. I don't know how long I was unconciouse but I missed a big chunk of time, I figured it was better than my waking life. You can Imagin how mad I was once I realized I had not crossed over. I missed a year of school because I spent it in the phyc ward at George Washington University Hospital. I remember once I was released I told God I would make the best of the life I had been given. I have a young son now and he is even more reason to push everyday. I continue to give back by volunteering in areas where victims and survivors can benefit from my story.
>
> Kelli brew: You have a child, how old is he and what do
> you teach him since you have dealt with the trials and
> tribulations of turbulent relationships? What does he
> learn from you?
>
> Jacqueline:

My son is only 15 months old and even though he is a baby there is always room for correction. Between he and my nephew I do my best to let them know how to interact with the opposite sex. Even though my son is young he sometimes plays rough with little girls. He already knows the word "gentle and nice" when I correct him as he plays with any little girl.
Service, compassion, faith,respect,love among a host of other things will be reinforced daily in my household. I think for young children boys and girls alike need to have a safe enviorment and constant unconditional love reinforced daily. Abuse comes in so many forms and being aware and educated defiantly helps break the cycle.
>
> Kellibrew: I know this is difficult to talk about, but I
> wanted to acknowledge your role in the late Tiffany
> Gates' life, my God-sister and friend. She was one of
> your best confidantes. I remember you being devastated to
> hear the news. Watching you react to her death made it
> real that day for me. I was literally in shock. I could
> not believe it. I said, "Not our Tiffany!" You
> had to recently do her make-up and basically reconstruct her
> face because of the damage done by her killer. First tell
> us, how did you get yourself to do the make-up? It was
> probably one of the hardest things you ever had to do.
> Also, how has it been dealing with your best friend's
> death?

I loved her so much and for so long,18 years and still to this day. I had knots in my stomach when I knew I had to do her makeup. As friends we had all made our funeral requests in advance and so being her friend I had to honor the part I knew I had. That is what you do for the people you love, It was my last chance to talk to her, be with her...to take care of her and pamper her one last time. I am not going to lie she looked like she had really struggled and just having to see her that close in the condition she was in broke my heart. There was no going back, she was gone and I really miss her everyday. I tell her I am sorry for what happened to her, I am sorry I did not get a chance to hug and kiss her before I left that Wednesday. I have had some trouble sleeping a couple of nightmares but I continue to ask God to keep me. I worry a little more about one of my best friend who is actually your sister. I worry that she may leave me early too and I ask God to watch over my loved ones constantly. I find that because of my issues with death, it plays a big part in my day to day live.
>
> Jacqueline:
>
> Kellibrew: What's next? In terms of coping with
> Tiffany's death and having gone through so much
> yourself, what are your next steps in life? What's
> your passion and what are you doing to fulfill your passion?

My passion has always been the arts, it has always been my release from the craziness of this world. I plan to continue my efforts to raise awareness for victims and survivors. There is still a song in my heart so eventually returning to the stage is in my future. "Never Forget" I am adopting that for my own personal motto. Never forget Tiffany, myself, friends, family, the struggle, the success. I feel if you never forget you have no excuse but to press on.

Hilarity

I think this commercial is pure comedy... you all know why.

Dreams Deferred Until the Day After Eternity

Eternity seems a bit dramatic but that's how it feels some of the time. One day I feel like I am ready to take the world back on again and then I look at the mess I placed myself in and I am in that never ending forest. Arms stretched in the darkness eyes wide as if that will help me see any better.Sometimes I think about my life and all my dreams deferred, interrupted and lost. I guess there has to be a trade off somewhere and occasionally there is a bright spot to encourage you to press on. In my mind I have a whole other life a life where all my dreams live. All the deferred dreams are alive and thriving in my mind. I wish they were in real time but they are not and sometimes sleeping is a preferred retreat from my waking life.

I used to believe that as a woman placing full trust and allowing your man to lead was wise. I still hold on to that when the relationship is vested in God, love, and respect. Being unequally yoked can be dangerous and you can find yourself taking up permanent residence in Loserville. Though some things are deferred FAITH in God is all you need. I look at the situation Jamar threw in my face the last fight we had and I find myself giving God the honor and glory for that. I was in church tears streaming down my face. Jackson rubbing the tears away. I was saying Hallelujah because that same situation Jamar said "This is coming from a woman who calls ME in a panic because she can't take care of her child" "Blame everything on the postpartum" I was so grateful to God for bringing me threw that same time he spoke of. I was planning to kill myself that night. It was just one of the many panic attacks that I had experienced and I also knew that my insurance was running out and seeking further help was making me nervous. I was able to have my friends and family surround me with love, prayers and checked in on Jackson and I all the time. I was thanking God for really protecting me. I had made arrangements because I was sick, tired, not sleeping, not eating,stressed and stretched above and beyond. I remember after hanging up the phone with Jamar I just called on my God's name. It took me back to the times in my pregnancy when I would hold my belly and cry asking God to help me, I was so scared and stressed out.

I felt all alone but I ALWAYS called on God and little by little he was showing me and telling me that my son and I were going to be ok. My loved ones told me don't worry about Jamar not being available for you, we are here and they never lied. After being rejected by every apartment that was decent for my son and I, my current apartment became available. I was contacted by my case manager and they notified me that I was misinformed and I had to move right away. God made it so that I had a place and I did not have to go to a shelter. He made it so that this landlord was willing to take my voucher. God made it so that my mother and friends were financially available to take care of Jackson and I. God made it so that even though my last residence screwed up my rental history like so many other residence, I have this home. Look what GOD can do!!!Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Something big is about to happen and I am excited to see what God is going to do. Dreams eventually no longer be deferred. My faith was so weak but when I look back at where my son and I were and where God has brought us I know he is real. The enemy will try to attack your spirit and tell you your dreams are not valid or respected but God has the final say, so take that you devil!!!