Breathing Easy

So I am praying for trust and strength. As I ask God protection for my child I am asking for myself as well. Eventually I will let him go with his father for a slight extended stay soon. I will do it in my time with no pressure from anyone. I have to stand my ground now in my life because people will run a muck if you let them. When you don't stand your ground you end up consenting to things you're not comfortable with.

So I am feeling a little relieved that I will have a friend here to help me and the baby. Finally someone who cares enough about me to help me on a regular basis. I am looking forward to having a man...yes a man talk to me and do things with me and the baby. I am looking forward to things getting done around the house. I am hoping he come before I have to go to the hospital. I have been feeling so sick lately and the headaches don't go away. I can't afford to be hospitalized with a young baby, I would miss him way too much. I can't wait until my friend comes, I am looking forward to experiencing what it feels like to be a 3 some. It's crazy that he wants to take us on and recognizes I need a friend. I can't make it seem like my mother and girlfriends have not been a good source of support,they have been awesome to Jackson and I.

Why should I raise Jackson alone if I don't have to? Finally a man who wants to be a part of our little family unit. I am looking forward to making the adjustment and a visual routine for my son. I must admit I am very excited.

So my money is funny and the thought of that is a bit stressful right now, I need the fall to roll around so I can bring some ends in. Depending on Jackson's father sucks because I have to wait on him. Everything is late every month because of it. I hope to be on my feet soon, I hate having to lug Jackson and myself when stuff gets cut off. God is going to work it all out and I thank him for giving me patience.

My headache is subsiding and I feel a bit better, I guess unloading did it. You know what would be really good right now a good tight hug and a cuddle. I have become so used to holding and cuddling Jackson I realized just now I want one too lol. Everette called today, I was too busy to call him back I wonder what he will say next. It's nice to be missed and loved and I wonder sometimes if he is the guy for me for us. Daydreaming is a good distraction when things are crazy,it's like a little get away.

Feeling Again, but Not Hoping

5:00 am
So it's been 8 years since we met that faithful night. I was scared and I did not know what to expect. We pick up and leave off like we never missed a beat. I miss how safe you make me feel about things. You wanted a family with me, you wish my son was your son,damn. What do I say to that, I have no words just feelings. I am too afraid to hope so I won't. I will be content and happy I am feeling again but that is as far as it goes.

There are so many memories, I enjoyed talking about them this morning I;m sure we missed some. It's only been an 30 minutes since we got off the phone and I miss the sound of your voice already. It's been so long since I talked to a man better yet a man who has feelings for me. It feels good to have that time to look forward to. Were so far apart how is this going to work. I don't know what were trying to do. I have to make the right decision. Thank you for the unexpected but very welcome phone call,I'm smiling can you see.

P.S. I miss you too

Wham Make It Big

I was so in love with Andrew Ridgley back in the day. George was and will always be a cutie pie but Andrew could get it. This is my favorite video of the 80's.

My First Commercial

Wow I thought this was buried away but I found it, my first commercial. I guess I need to ask them for the full version.


http://www.carousel30.com/film_anntaylor.asp

"I Am Ann Taylor" (Spec Spot)
We were invited to create this spot for Ann Taylor's "I Am Ann Taylor," that commemorated their 50th anniversary. All post-production was completed by Carousel30.

Please contact us for a link to view the full video
or to receive our DVD Reel.

Sick Flow

I love Ursula Rucker and her flow is so crazy. I remember buying The Roots CD and this poem was at the end. Her voice is sweet yet commanding and her ability to deliver is phenomenal. If I ever had to die and come back as a poet I would want to come back as Ursula Rucker.

This poem resignates with my life so much I guess that is why I was drawn to her. As a former rape hotline counciler I heard this story over and over again. I continue to pray for the women and children who are survivors.

Stars

I love this song so much. I can't say that it is my favorite but I love the lyrics.

Hey Lover

I remember this song back in the day summertime. Everyone had there boyfriend or girlfriend bunned up. All I can say Is this song brings back some good memories. Almost wants to make you run out and find a boo,lol.

One Day

God I am seeking you, asking you to keep me and hold me, I feel like I am slipping away. If only I could be like the moon,maybe one day.

Soulmate

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own,if there's a soulmate for everyone...

Soulmate Video

Thumps and Bumps

Jackson is so curious,so much so he fell of the bed. He went right through the bars and all I saw was tiny feet going over. I called to him several times and each time he came back but the one time I was not looking he went for it and decided to bolt. I think he was more scared than he was hurt. He flip through the bars and landed on the carpet. He cried a bit and no sooner than I picked him up and loved on him,he was ready to go again.

After he daddy left tonight,he was playing on the ground and lost his balance. He has a little bump over his eye now like a little boxer. I tried to kiss it but he was too upset. He is fast asleep now and I am going to tie things up and retire myself. Got to get my camera and video fixed so I can capture all his moments.

Pain

I don't want to go to the doctor anymore. I don't want to hear what they have to say. I don't have the time and frankly I am burnt out. If I die I die, I am going to work on getting all my affairs in order. I have a toothache I have a headache I have a lifeache. YUCK Rhymes with F$&#.

Yippy Yuckity Yuck Poo Poo

So I went of my first cruise,well The Spirit Of Washington Cruise. I was so happy to be out for the first time in over a year. I had my first drink and got to dance and have a little fun. My mother was so nice to watch Jackson for me. It was a last minute thing and she came through for me like she always does. I hate to seem like there is always a negative but it was. Both of my friends were there with there husbands and it seemed like everyone was coupled up. I am always the third wheel nowadays. I know she was just being nice and trying to make me feel good by giving me kudos. She was like Jackie you are good, I was never a single mother and it's such hard work I don't know how you do it. I don't even know how to eat at a normal pace anymore,much less sleep. Ah the life as a single parent,my son is my joy so I take it one day at a time.

There were a couple of single guys there to dance with but hell I decided to dance by myself. I was so lonely, I keep asking God to hold me and take the loneliness away. I came home and took a long shower and cried myself to sleep. If it were not for Jackson I would have offed myself already. I hate living right now, I pray that I get past these dark feelings. I hate thinking bad thoughts and wishing I could disappear. Jackson stares at me with a concerned bewildered look when I cry. I hate crying in front of him but I get so down sometimes. Mother's day is going to suck ass so I plan on just shutting my son and myself away in my apartment. I will never get a first Mother's day back but I am sure it will suck anyway much like my life. I am sure my girlfriends will be with there husbands and boyfriends getting kind words,flowers,hugs and kisses...me nothing. It won't be what I dreamed about so it's just as well to hide in my room.

I wish I can ball myself up like paper and throw myself in the trash but for now I will just ball up in a closet and play with Jackson there. He's closet is big enough for the both of us. When I was little I used to hide in the closet because it made me feel safe. God help me live another day,give me strength,dry my tears,give me peace, I don't want to die. I hate that my son has to see his mommy so bad, it's like me all over again. I would watch my mother cry and I would be there looking at her helpless trying to find something good to say. I remember one morning I was on my way out to school and she was in the sitting at the table drinking rat poison. She was yelling at me,crying for me to leave and go to school. I begged to stay with her, I did not want her to leave me. She was and is all I have and I still am so scared of losing her. I have always felt so alone already and to lose her would be devastating.

Jackson is about to have his first tooth so I am counting down the days. He has a tiny little nub pushing through and he is using it. He is about to walk soon and I can't take it. He is growing up right before my eyes and It was just the other day he was a wee little thing. The best part of Jackson is he is so happy and well adjusted, I still feel like in many ways I have failed him for the future. All I can do is just love him and care for him the best way I possibly can. He does wonders when your feeling low,even Nicci says when she holds him and is around him she feels no pain.

So the night Jamar brought up my rape, I started to think about it and relive it. I thought about calling the hot line and seeking some help but the fear and pain of it all consumed me too much for me to dial. Ever since that day I think about that guy. I don't know what he looks like, I know he was black and had a scary voice. He stole my drivers licence and I remember being scared about leaving and coming home,thanks God I have moved. I meet Jamar later that year and did my best to push past it. I was thankful to be able to have Jamar hold me in the middle of the night because most of the time I was scared I just hid it very well. Sometimes when I spent the night at Jamar's he would come to bed later on and sometimes I would try to stay up because I was afraid. Even in his house my rapist would give me nightmares. When Jamar asked me why didn't I fight back? I felt like all the life was drained out of me when he asked that. I wish I could have but when someone overpowers you,you feel helpless and defenseless and angry after it's over. They rob you of the opportunity to say yes or no. They steal your body and you feel very violated and I wish it never happened.

I hate not having any money, I can't even buy my mother a Mother's Day gift. I plan on telling her thank you. She just wants me to be ok and I dare not tell her how I am really feeling. I don't know how she raised us day to day alone with no man in the house. I know I have a hard time so I can imaging what she went thouth. Kudos to single mother's. Jackson I sleeping now so I am going to try and get somethings done even thought it's almost 1 am.

Finally

DNA confirms IDs of czar's children, ending mystery By MIKE ECKEL, Associated Press Writer
Wed Apr 30, 7:20 PM ET



MOSCOW - For nine decades after Bolshevik executioners gunned down Czar Nicholas II and his family, there were no traces of the remains of Crown Prince Alexei, the hemophiliac heir to Russia's throne.

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Some said the delicate 13-year-old had somehow survived and escaped; others believed his bones were lost in Russia's vastness, buried in secret amid fear and chaos as the country lurched into civil war.

Now an official says DNA tests have solved the mystery by identifying bone shards found in a forest as those of Alexei and his sister, Grand Duchess Maria.

The remains of their parents — Nicholas II and Empress Alexandra — and three siblings, including the czar's youngest daughter, Anastasia, were unearthed in 1991 and reburied in the imperial resting place in St. Petersburg. The Russian Orthodox Church made all seven of them saints in 2000.

Despite the earlier discoveries and ceremonies, the absence of Alexei's and Maria's remains gnawed at descendants of the Romanov dynasty, history buffs and royalists. Even if Wednesday's announcement is confirmed and widely accepted, many descendants of the royal family are unlikely to be fully assuaged; they seek formal "rehabilitation" by the government.

"The tragedy of the czar's family will only end when the family is declared victims of political repression," said German Lukyanov, a lawyer for royal descendants.

Nicholas abdicated in 1917 as revolutionary fervor swept Russia, and he and his family were detained. They were shot by a firing squad on July 17, 1918, in the basement of the Yekaterinburg house where they were being held.

Rumors persisted that some of the family had survived and escaped. Claims by women to be Anastasia were particularly prominent, although there were also pretenders to Alexei's and Maria's identities.

"It was 99.9 percent clear they had all been killed; now with these shards, it's 100 percent," said Nadia Kizenko, a Russian scholar at the University at Albany, State University of New York. "Those who regret this news will be those who liked the royal pretender myth."

Alexei was one of the more compelling of the victims, drawing sympathy because of his hemophilia. His mother's terror of the disease and fear that he would not live to gain the throne were key to her falling under the thrall of the hypnotic and sexually ravenous self-declared holy man Rasputin, who exerted vast influence on the royal family.

Researchers unearthed the bone shards last summer in a forest near Yekaterinburg, where the royal family was killed, and enlisted Russian and U.S. laboratories to conduct DNA tests.

Eduard Rossel, governor of the region 900 miles east of Moscow, said tests done by a U.S. laboratory had identified the shards as those of Alexei and Maria.

"This has confirmed that indeed it is the children," he said. "We have now found the entire family."

"The main genetic laboratory in the United States has concluded its work with a full confirmation of our own laboratories' work," Rossel said.

He did not specify the laboratory, but a genetic research team working at the University of Massachusetts Medical School has been involved in the process. Evgeny Rogaev, who headed the team that tested the remains in Moscow and at the medical school in Worcester, Mass., was called into the case by the Russian Federation Prosecutor's Office.

He told The Associated Press on Wednesday that he delivered the results to Russian authorities, but said it was up to the prosecutor's office — not him or his team — to disclose the findings.

"The most difficult work is done and we have delivered to them our expert analysis, but we are still working," he said. "Scientifically, we want to make the most complete investigation possible."

The test results were based on analysis of mitochondrial DNA, the genetic material passed down only from mothers to children. That DNA is more stable than nuclear DNA — the material inherited from the father's side — especially when remains are badly damaged.

In this case, the bone fragments were so shattered and burned that Rogaev's team first had to determine whether enough uncontaminated genetic material still existed for testing.

The delicate work proved that, indeed, useful DNA could be extracted from a very small amount of the material — a critical fact, since they wanted to preserve as much of the bone fragments as possible out of respect for the victims.

The researchers also compared DNA from the remains with those of Empress Alexandra, who was a granddaughter of Britain's Queen Victoria and a distant relative of Prince Philip, the husband of Queen Elizabeth II.

With the mitochondrial analysis completed, the team is working on the nuclear DNA analysis and comparing the samples to paternal relatives of the czar's family.

That information, along with conclusions already delivered to the Russian prosecutors, eventually will be submitted to a professional journal for peer review and publication.

It was unclear if the Russian Orthodox Church will recognize them as genuine. The church's press service said no one could comment on Wednesday's announcement.

It was also unclear whether the descendents of the royal family would accept the identification. Lukyanov said neither he nor his clients had received confirmation.

Lukyanov's efforts to get the government to declare the royal family victims of political repression have been repeatedly rejected by Russian courts, which have said the family's killing was premeditated murder, not a political reprisal.

He said Russia had much to do to overcome its tortured past.

"They say that as long as the last soldier remains unburied, the war continues," Lukyanov told AP. "So long as the last victim of Bolshevik terror and the Communist regime remains unrehabilitiated, the repression will continue."

Atlantic City

So I don't gamble but the hotel/resort is really nice. I went down to play the slots and could only bring myself to play 15 dollars. I never really got into the hype of the slots,plus my baby needs clothes. I would rather spend my money on that anyway I figure it more fun anyway. I can't sleep and I don't know how tomorrow is going to go. Jackson took forever to go to bed and folks wonder why I am always tired. He is a handful and with him trying to crawl and walk and pull everything down it's a mess. I had to tap his little legs today because he is getting to be a bit unruly. Nothing hard but enough for him to know who is boss. He is determined to have his way and it can't always be that way. Next thing you know he will be falling out in public and I can't have that. I have to be both stern and gentle,it's so much work but without any day to day help it can't be any other way. I have about 4 to 6 gray hairs that are present in the front of my head. I guess life and stress is rearing it's ugly head. I will take this time in AC to try and relax. The weather is crummy and cold which suck big time. I'll drive to NY tomorrow to look for clothes for my son and see if I can splurge 13 bucks on what I used to call toenails.

I can't wait to see Larry, it's been a minute since we have been able to see each other. I can't wait, I got to wear something fly,cause I know he will have something sweet to say. When I think about it,he always says something sweet and I could look bummy. I am glad I got away, I was really feeling low,still do but at least I am out of the house. I think I am going to distance my feelings from Everette again,even though he is far away I don't have it in me to trust. Darly (my 2nd Ex) wants to as he says "heal together". I can't get with him now because he is like my brother now. He wants to love me and protect me but I don't love him that way anymore. It hurts and feels good all at the same time to know someone wants to cherish me. My son is my focus, I am not meant to have the love I dreamed about. Some dreams never come true and I am beginning to accept that. I need to get away more often, my shoulders are so tight. I hope I will be able to go to Canaan Valley this summer,take the kids and really chill out. Ok AC I am going to try and catch some ZZZ's.

Duke Ellington Gala Trailer

Golden and Dreams of Yesterday

I will never know what it would be like to experience marriage. I always dreamed that it would be a very emotional day full of rejoicing. I know I will never know, I have not said it out loud but I know I will not happen.

I used to daydream about who my husband would be to me and making that step toward a lifelong commitment. To love,honor and cherish, I knew I would be excited because he would be my friend until the end. My partner with whom I would share everything. I hear songs and think about how nice it would be. I would visualize the day and the goings on. The show of it all is not important to me,the commitment is. Even though I want nice things a simple ring would do me just fine.
269@Walmart I think it is pretty...hey I can dream. Now I think about how I can make other peoples dreams come true. I still wonder what a lot of things would be like but now I am a full time mother,with no full time help from the father. I used to think I was special. Now I am what you call a babymamma. I never thought I would hold that title but I do. My ex's who some I am still close with are so dissappointed in my and how I got caught up. I get tired of explaining to people that I never intended to end up this way. It takes 2 and I was the only one trying to make things work. But like the song says " I can't make you love me" Unfortunatly I thought he did have some love for me,but I was wrong. Like Whitney's song "It's not right but it's ok" What can you do but dream.

Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting forever

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman can possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Golden
Golden
oh oh my
Golden
Golden love
Cause commitment is golden
Mmm mmm

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

So I got a 50 dollar ticket today and my left side mirror on my van got clear smashed off. Was I bad today GOD? How am I going to get the funds to pay for this?

What Black Women Are Talking About...

So this guy posed the question and I answered. We women talk and these are the things that bug us about our brothas. Some of the things I listed are the things that my girlfriends and associates have experienced while dating black men. I don't think all black men are bad but I am not alone with some of the issues I have so I know It's not just me. Will I take this guy up on his challenge? Probably not, I am too messed up to even think about trying again. I have a child and have absolutely 0 time anyway so he was SOL from the start. I hope he finds someone,if there are any takers I will pass on his email.

On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
From the experiences you had from the black men, I think you, and other ladies who have unfortunately found themselves in the situation you have found yourself in, have a reason to be hiding. Now, I do not say this to brag, or to sound "elitist", but I think there is two breeds of black men; there are those of us who will do nothing better than just…use their wiles to get to you, and eventually leave you with the baby.

The other breed is of real/aspiring gentlemen, who think that family is the greatest thing that God can give them, who do not want to see their sons grow without fathers, without role models, without getting all the good things in life that two people, a father and a mother, who love each other to death, and who have no intention of getting divorced, because they can work things out for the sake of themselves and their kid(s), can achieve. I think I am firmly in the second group, and I like to think that I have goals in life; things I want to achieve, and they do not include not taking care of my kids. I think I have certain goals to achieve, and I am passionate about them. I want to believe that I am in the second category of the…two "breeds". But I am glad that you did leave, because if you did not see a future in the relationship, then sometimes getting out before the whole house is on fire is critical.


Now, regarding the things you talked about: I will tick my experiences/status against some of the things you did raise:
Babymamma Drama: None. Never married, no kids. I will have some, some day.
No job I currently have one. I work as a Community Support Specialist, for a Non-Profit.
No brain Would like to think I have one. Actually, I am fairly smartJ
No affection Hmmm…
No direction Girl, my next stop, is a PhD. You don't get a PhD if you intend to become a layabout
No religion Raised Christian; very spiritual; attend church occasionally
DL I am straight as a first century Roman Road.
Crazy Ex's None. If I did have any, they would be across the ocean, in Kenya.
STD's Clean as a whistle
Allergic to commitment Me? No. No way. That is what I am looking for.
Mamma's Boys Don't know if I can be described that way. She's 11k miles away anyhow
Poor performance in the bedroom - I am not sure about this. Don't have ratings…
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to stand on) = Really?



I respect, and appreciate everything you shared here today. I think we cannot all be dismissed, or made to pay the price of the mistakes of a few losers. Because I know that there are winners out here, and if you do actually stop to smell the roses, you will get the good scent. I know men have not always treated women as well as they should, especially "brothers", but again, I think race is a geographical divide. Sometimes I think the way African American men treat women is completely despicable. I am not going to use the fact that I am African to make a case for suggesting that I would treat women different, I just know I would. Because it is about honor. About dignity. About doing the right thing.



Now, please prove me wrong, by allowing yourself to meet someone who is different. Me. Would you accept the challenge? Not necessary to start a relationship, but I do think you would be a great person to know.



Have a great evening.



Steve.



On 4/22/08, Stephen wrote:
Dear Anonymous,
Thanks for writing back! I just wanted to briefly acknowledge your email, and tell you that I appreciate very, very much:) your taking the time to write. You raise good points; right now I must run, but I will definitely be writing back to you later today. Have a wonderful day!

Steve.


We are all hiding from black men,lol. I think there
are some good guys out there BUT...they are far and
few between.

I thought I met a nice guy right on craigslist in
05,we just had a son in 07. He seemed nice until times
got rough and so I left him. Black women are craving a
man with some balls and the backbone to hold them up.
Most of the time brotha get the tight face because we
are sooooooooooooooooo tired of there BS. I am a
babymamma but I don't tolerate drama but some women
have to deal with:


Babymamma Drama
No job
No brain
No affection
No direction
No religion
DL
Crazy Ex's
STD's
Allergic to commitment
Mamma's Boys
Poor performance in the bedroom
I think I am a king complex(but I have nothing to
stand on)

I could go on and on,no wonder women buy vibrators and
date outside there race or there become lesbeiens. I can say all this because I
am a sister. I love black men just not the BS. I have
dated outside my race and I can say I was treated
better, the only thing is there will never be the
connection we share.
Ok I am off my soapbox, but I know I am smart,very
attractive,loving ,hardworking along with all my
girlfriends and they all agree with everything I just
said.

Ok I am done now...hope you find someone.

Turandot@Washington National Opera

Turandot is my all time favorite Opera. I pray I am able to go to this next year. I have been waiting for this to come back to DC for like 5 years. I HAVE TO SEE THIS,even If I have to take myself...which that would be utterly pathetic. My luck that is how it will turn out.



Turandot
Composed by Giacomo Puccini

Libretto by Giuseppe Adami and Renato Simoni

May 16, 19, 21, 24m, 27, 30, June 1, 4, 2009

Sung in Italian with English supertitles

The legendary beauty Princess Turandot poses three riddles to her potential suitors only to behead them with one wrong answer. She meets her match in Calaf, the mysterious prince who risks his head to win her heart. Puccini’s final opera, celebrated for its tapestry of soaring melodies and rich orchestration, features the beloved aria “Nessun dorma.”



Maria Guleghina (May 16, 19, 21, 24m, 27), Princess Turandot

Sylvie Valayre (May 30, Jun 1, 4), Princess Turandot

Darío Volonté* (May 16, 19, 21, 24m), Calaf

Franco Farina (May 27, 30, Jun 1, 4), Calaf

Sabina Cvilak (May 16, 19, 21, 24m), Liù
Maija Kovalevska* (May 27, 30, Jun 1, 4), Liù
Morris Robinson, Timur

Keri-Lynn Wilson*, Conductor
Andrei Serban*, Director

Production from Royal Opera House Covent Garden

Human

An in depth discussion on relationships this clearly exposes how lust, deception and sexual self-gratification ultimately destroys both, the individual and their relationships. Also other choices which can ruin a person.



I hate the place I am in emotionally and the pain that accompanies it. Everyday I try my best to not cry,to not allow my circumstance to dictate my emotions...but sometimes it gets the best of me. I know how I got to this place but it seems like I am caught in a maze that has no end. I find myself frustrated,angry because right now it feels like there is no escape. I always viewed myself as a kind and loving person. I always felt like I tried to live myself "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". My course of action is to always right my wrongs and humble myself when I have not lived up to God's expectation of me. I consider myself to be responsible for the people I care about as they would care for me.

I don't want to leave this earth with a legacy of broken people. It is my duty as a child of God to repair any hurt I have caused to any of his other children. When we do wrong we must ask for forgiveness and try to correct past behaviors so that a hurtful path is not one we continue to travel. I know that I have hurt people and people have hurt me but the true testimony to God's grace was that there was healing in the forgiveness toward each other. There was no budging until I knew in my heart that the person had changed and they were truly sorry. I felt the sincerity in the apology and they wanted nothing more than to start over again. (RP If you are reading this your sincerity reached my heart, I am glad to say I feel safe with you again)

It made me feel safe to at least open up the lines communication. I was so hurt by there behavior toward me that I pulled out of our friendship completely. Once God moved it was possible to talk. As a survivor of abuse I understand that I was never taught how to identify when people were not treating me with kindness. I was always vulnerable a walking open wound,and so I  was a easy target. I misplaced my trust and ended up hurt so many times so the way I chose to cope was to shut down. That was my way of hurting people,I would totally cut them out of my life. I would cease all communication and make sure I was no longer someone they could hurt again. As a survivor you start to get tired of abuse and you find a way to cope,for me it is total isolation. I have also learned in this journey that people are not perfect and they make mistakes, I can accept that what's hard accept is not correcting the behavior. Now unless your just clueless you should know at some point what is destructive and what is healthy. What will enhance your life and what will leave you stuck.

I am still a student, I am still learning what is healthy. Right now I am trying to learn how to feel safe with people again. Once I realized Jamar was not concerned about me,my health,my feelings, my life;I found myself in a world of hurt. All my dreams,everything I worked so hard to overcome was snuffed out in a years time. I had finally got to a place where my life was happy and had direction. I felt good about me but slowly things feel apart. I had a man who lustfully looked at my cousin right in front of me, It made me feel like I was not good enough for him. When I was pregnant he never comforted me, I struggled physically emotionally and mentally during what was supposed to be the best time of out lives. He never fought for us which only exacerbated my deflated spirit.

I am human and I too go to God and ask for forgivness for my actions. I find that sometimes saying nothing still gets me in troulble because I am trying to hold back my frustration. I am still trying to control my heartache. I understand holding it in is not healthy but I have yet to find an effective way deal with my feelings. I do know that I am trying to heal and that outside entities sometimes effect that process. I pray that I can live in peace and not be afraid of...

Poem I found online

We'll go on, after you,
Without you we'll go on,
Though something beautiful inside
Us all has turned to stone.
We'll go on, after you,
Without you through the years
Of pain and raw bewilderment
And brutal, angry tears.

We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will heal,
Though love may labor in the heart
And joy the loss conceal.

We'll go on, after you,
Without you we will grow
Together as a family
That you will never know.

We'll go on, after you,
Without you life goes on,
But neither hope nor happiness
Undoes what you have done.

Ramblings

Talked to Everett, he left me a really sweet mushy note. He has never been one to show that side of him so it was nice. I was nice to be wanted and cared for. He asked about Jackson and said he was going to move us to be with him. I ain't going anywhere unless there is a ring and a minister involved...oh and love would help too.

Have not been feeling my best since giving birth, I have been putting off going to the doctor for a while. Tugging in my abdomen,shifting,tired,scared. I got to live for my son so I need to find out what is wrong with me.

No money,landlord pressing me out, I am so stressed out,not ready to go back to work,need to,will before the year is up. I wish I could stay home and raise my son for a little while longer,feeling sad,want to cry.

Moving was the worst,I had my friends help in the end but it sucked. I moved boxes on a pulley with one had and pushed my son with the other sometimes at 3 am in the morning.I could not leave him alone,would not so he came with me...he was such a trooper. My friends,Ex,Uncle,you all get a shout out from me,thanks for being there.
In the end I like where I live,but long to be in a house somewhere in DC.

So cutie has not called me, I guess no tail means they bail. Dang he was cute,oh well don't want to sin again, so I guess I will just have to be single. Tired of repenting so I just won't sin, but would love for someone to hold my hand once in a while. Someone to watch a movie with or just take a walk. Love is free.

I wonder if he kills me where would he leave my body? How will he do it,pray that my son does not see it happen. So many young mothers being murdered,I want to live. Don't trust,living afraid sometimes. I got to keep praying for protection because he hates me. I have my own conspiracy theory I will discuss later.

I am sad but I may have to give up breastfeeding. Never had the help or time to successfully do it. I had to look for a place, then move to the new place along with no sleep. It seemed like there was something after the other. I look back and I have been going since I gave birth,time flew by so fast.

Tired but this is my only free time to just sit and do nothing or everything. Who knew me, a single mother. I enjoy being a mother and am starting to accept that I am one of millions doing the same things.

In love

I am so in love with my son,he is the best part of everyday. I watch him sleep and anticipate when he will wake up,just to be with him. He is such a happy baby and I live to love him,protect him,nurture him ,guide him,pray with him and for him and try my best to give him everything I never had. I pray I can give him the life I always dreamed of. He is perfect in every way and I am so happy to be his mommy.

I always knew love,but the love I have for him is a fierce and sacrificial love. I would give my life for him and I pray that I am around to see him through life. I pray that I can provide him a life of happiness,spirituality,adventure,love,morals and confidence. I pray for him every chance I get,I am so in love with my son.

Dating

So I met this guy, He older,very good looking,has his own buisness and I am afraid to date him. I am afraid to date period just because I am in a different place mentally. I have been abstinent for over a year and it feel dang good. I asked God to bless me and I promised to be obedient. Don't get me wrong I can't wait for the day that I can share myself with my HUSBAND,but until then I'm too fly to just give it up to anyone. I long for intimacy with a man that goes beyond the bedroom.

I think sleeping around with any ole body is dirty and can lead to all kinds of things that are not good for the mind,body and soul. What happens when you tell a guy there wil be no sex? For me I don't get a call back. Here I am trying to live right and I get left in the dust. I don't worry about it but it does not make you feel good when your phone does not ring. All I really want is some good conversation, you know the kind where you REALLY can TRY and get to know someone.

I admit I get lonley, I want love and affection like anyone else I am only human. I mean when I think about it I have been alone for almost a year and a half. I was in a relationship but I was still alone. I pray that whoever if ever I get involved with
really wants to be my friend as well as my lover. Someone who I can pray for and pray with. Someone who has God at the center of his life. I know I am not perfect so I am not looking for perfection,just someone God knows is perfect for me.

So the new fine guy, I guess we shall see how this goes. New beginings for the new year. Celebacy, a really nice new home THANK YOU JESUS!! It's perfect. A better ride, and the best blessing of all Jackson.

Father God bless my heart,heal my heart so that I may be all you want me to be.


http://www.puritansermons.com/sermons/griffin1.htm

Ashamed...

I can't even bring myself to write about the turn my life has taken. I am really alone in my thoughts and I hold it in. I hold it in and blow like a top when face to face with the source. I am ashamed and long to be free. I don't apologize for my feelings there mine and until I can heal, I own them.

I understand what God wants for me, I understand it all,but I am still human. I still hurt like anyone else. All I can do is just ask for strength and forgiveness when I allow my flesh to dictate my actions. All I can do is cry out to him when I can't get a handle on things. I am human and I hurt just like anyone else and all I can do Is cry out to my God. Help me Lord to be healed,Lord I am seeking freedom and courage. I am seeking your face in all I do,even when I fall short, I asking you to pick my up.

ANGRY!!!

Yes I am owning that feeling lately. I don't want it but I can't seem to shake it. I try to stay prayerful but sometimes I just get angry. I spent a great deal of my life just letting things go. People would say and do things and I would never deal with it. I was never taught to deal with conflict and confrontation effectively.

I am angry,angry at you for not being who I thought you were. I am angry at myself for not seeing ahead of time. Angry for being in the positions that I put myself in,for the positions you put me in. For trusting and believing in you,for not going with my gut. For thinking you would catch me when I fell. Angry for being a statistic and you making me one and you thinking it ok for ME to be one. For not being able to move forward right now. Angry for loving you so much even thouth you never earned or or deserved it. Angry for wasting tears over you. Angry because you are not reliable and I can't trust anything you do or say. I am angry for praying and not being able to feel peace and comfort. Angry for getting physically ill when you come around or call me.Angry for falling apart when you leave. Angry for not having the guts to just beat the crap out of you or throw something. ANGRY YOU GAVE ME A STD! YOU HARMED MY LIFE AND AT THAT TIME YOUR UNBORN CHILD. ANGRY THAT YOU TREAT IT SO BLAHZAY. It's so crazy because you were hell bent on and AIDS TEST when when we first got together, and I end up with that STD from you.

I feel like I don't have any control. I ask God to forgive me,help me,give me strength but I fall short when I lose my cool. I need a healing and I need it fast. I miss who I used to be. Where am I,who am I? I am angry that you get to have a irresponsible life,you get to not care, to do whatever,whenever with whomever. I am angry that no one hold me at night. I am angry because I am afraid to be held. I am angry because I forgot what it's like to be kissed. I don't know how and where to start over, I am afraid to start over. I am afraid of doing this alone for the rest of my life. I am afraid because of you and I am angry as hell just because.

My world is shaken and I feel very robbed. I am angry because I have yet to forgive myself and In turn I can't yet forgive you. I am doing my best with what I have been given and I am doing it ALL ALONE remember that.

Where I wanna be

I never thought I would have children. I always knew I wanted a family but I after waiting so long to get involved and dealing with all the doctors who said no, God said yes. I was literally in shock when we got the news on January 20th,2007 when and how I am still in shock. I knew how but really me?,pregnant wow that was major. The next 7 months would prove to be the most trying and unforgettable time of my life. I was so sick some days I could not make it into work. I thought I was losing my mind and the depression that came with it at times consumed me so that most days it was impossible to function. I feel like he trapped me, and I was hurt and mad at myself for staying with him. Anybody but him, why did I get pregnant by him.

I sought counseling,prayer,friendship you name it I was looking for answers. I surrounded myself with people who loved me and prayed that the baby would be alright with my being sick all the time. Everything I dreamed about for my first time was pretty much taken away. It still hurts because it was not the experience I signed up for, and there is no going back. I am a very sentimental person so stolen memories don't sit well with me. If I had to do it all again, I would have done my homework on the man I got involved with. Right now I am dealing with the backlash of it all, the ex's I left behind who wanted a future with me. I have to answer hard questions about why I am in the position I am in, and how foolish I am. How I was to believe in someone who was not on the same page as me. I am not saying that I am best thing since sliced bread but from what I have been told I ain't too far off. I have always been involved with men who are excited about relationships,exploration,me,us,family,marriage,intimacy,love,Christ and sharing . I never had to ask for a compliment,kiss or hug and intimacy, it was just a given. Sharing each others lives was something we looked forward to even if we did not stay together,we enjoyed dreaming.Now I am a single mother trying to keep my head above water. My home was destroyed, I had to leave my job, everything was stripped away, all with a new little baby in tow and no help from the father.
 So many things I am juggling right now, a new baby, the fear and anxiety of having to pack up and move, no money,car problems,healthy issues, but I know God will provide. I have always taken care of myself but the stress of it all is wearing on my. I don't bother to consider my child's father to help me in any way but to give a couple of dollars here and there. I'm not his responsibility but it stings knowing that no one is taking care of me and I am tired. It has been hard. The fighting, the crying, the mourning the relationship, the struggle of still learning how to trust God completely. My hurt and anger was misplaced, I was really brokenhearted and disappointed in both of us. Our behavior was unacceptable. My ex took the liberty of allowing me to struggle, to alienate me from himself and his family. He became a stranger, someone I did not know. Or was it him all along and it was just really showing now? I was angry and disappointed that the roller coaster he had me on was named Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Who knew, certainly not me?

Now they (THE EX'S) want to know how and why I ended up in this situation, I have always been known as wifey. Some have since moved on to marry and have kids and were all still good friends. They wanted that with me, but I know marrying some of them was not my destiny. I am glad they still want the best for me and I know I will get some sort of scolding when we talk and that's ok. When they did something off back in the day It was me who let them have it, so I know it's done in love when they do it to me. Right now blank and I are just trying to make heads on what to do,actually he's waiting on me and I don't have any answers for him. I love when we slow dance in the middle of anywhere, hug just because,and talk till the sun comes up. He offers me love like I have never known yet I can't seem to return it. Why you may ask? I don't know,why now in my life did I decided to get involved with someone who is not capable of loving me or at least trying. Why did I choose hurt, why did I ignore my gut and just leave? When I did leave, he always knew how to get me back. Long suffering love on my end, hopeless romantic, or just plain foolish? To be honest with myself, I have never been taught how to be in a relationship, or deal with men. I've loved and been loved but actually I am still learning and scared. I thank God for always showing favor and placing angles all around me.

I'll admit I get lonely and having my baby close keeps me sane. He's all I have now and my life has moved in a different direction. I focus all my time and energy on being a good mother so much so sometimes I neglect myself. I don't know if it's a way to punish myself for messing up and putting my child in this position or if it's just self hate. I focus on him to keep myself for getting lonely or feeling sad because I know he loves me unconditionally and he depends on me. It feels good to be needed and wanted, and I don't take that for grated.

I know I have to take better care of myself because I have been getting sick lately and I don't want to drop the baby. I absolutely hate taking pills and It seems like every time I go to the doctor there giving me more.

Side Mind Fart
I remember my cousin saying that her child's father was not helpful and loving to her during her pregnancy. She said she did not want to have anymore kids for fear she would go through that again. I don't blame her and I thought about it myself but I pray that I have one more. I pray I can give another child the start I did not give my first.


I don't say much now, I just stay in prayer. I'm just holding it all in most of the time. I let go when I have a moment,most times when the baby and I are alone. I cry out to God for help.

Postpartum depression it the worst.

Where I wanna be...In a better place than I am now LITERALLY. HOME. HEALTH. HEART.

Who Cares?

Who really cares for you? I have been living in Temple Court Apartments for a good deal of my life. I look at the situation around me and feel like I have failed my child. We are at the point where we have to wait it out and see what and if they will give us anything. Thanks to gentrification in most of the urban communities the average working joe and barely afford rent much less a house. I am one of those average joes barely making it with a child on the way. I used to think I had it all planned out. I would use this place as a stepping stone, fall in love, get married to a wonderful man, have a child and join forces to achieve some of the American dream.

None of those things happened, and now I am amongst the ranks of all the others who are really struggling. I look at my government and think they don't care. Between low pay rates, horrible health care, unaffordable housing, war, do we really stand a chance.
I am trying my best to be optimistic and keep my head up every time i enter the stench drenched hallway of my building. I try not to cry as I see rat droppings in my clothing draws and fear I will be stuck here for another year. I have called the housing authority, signed petitions, attended meeting and I guess it falls on deaf ears. Who cares for you? I lay in my bed as I watch the roaches crawl across my walls and think, my city officials don't have this worry. They don’ts have to worry about there safety or welfare.

Let's see what happens because a change has got to come.

Living Conditions@ Temple Court

Some Progress at Temple Court Apartments

Last Edited: Thursday, 19 Jul 2007, 11:52 PM EDT
Created: Thursday, 19 Jul 2007, 11:52 PM EDT


BOB BARNARD
The heat's making for another grueling night for nearly 200 DC families. Living without AC in a high-rise that with broken elevators. We first told you about the crisis at Temple Courts Wednesday night. Fox 5's Bob Barnard went back to see if anything has changed. For days, people in one DC neighborhood have been living without their stoves, then the AC went out, then they lost hot water! Now, they're being told to make appointments to shower at their apartment's rental office.

http://www.myfoxdc.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail?contentId=3827715&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1


Given a Choice, Desperate Tenants Take a Chance
__

By Marc Fisher
Thursday, June 7, 2007; Page B01
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/06/06/AR2007060602508.html

Taneka Wright didn't hear the gunfire that hit three people outside her apartment building one night last week because she has given up on the place and hasn't been home in weeks.

She's taken her 5-month-old baby and her two older children and is moving around to stay with parents and friends, not because of the shootings or the drug dealing or the trash or the screaming people in the hallways but because of the chronically broken-down elevators and the rat droppings in the baby's bed.

Buy This Photo

Diane Hunter is head of the Temple Courts tenant association. The District plans to buy the struggling low-income housing complex and build a mixed-income community, to which its residents could return. Story, B4. (By Marvin Joseph -- The Washington Post)


"I live on the 10th floor, and I just couldn't keep hauling the baby and her things up all those steps," Wright says. "And I ain't going to let my baby sleep with rats, no way."

So Wright is out of Temple Courts, out of a place that the federal government spent years trying to shut down, that the owner wanted to tear down and replace with fancy condos, and that most of the 211 tenants want desperately to escape.

Temple Courts, 10 blocks north of the U.S. Capitol, is next door to the notorious Sursum Corda housing project, part of a cluster of properties that developers saw as the next chapter in the District's gentrification story but that the city is intent on saving as affordable housing.

In the next week or two, the D.C. government will pay Bush Construction, owner of Temple Courts, $22.5 million for the high-rise and townhouses, where conditions were so bad last year that the District's inspectors needed 60 pages to list the housing code violations.

Then the city will start preparing to demolish its purchase. The tenants, low-income families living on federal assistance, will get vouchers for apartments elsewhere or top priority for openings in D.C. public housing. And the city will bring in a private developer to build another of the mixed-income communities that are former mayor Anthony Williams's greatest legacy: 750 units divided equally among market-rate, workforce housing aimed at nurses, police, teachers and the like, and fully subsidized housing for Temple Courts' current residents.

It took a new mayor to make this happen. When Adrian Fenty met with tenants a few weeks ago, he surprised the crowd of angry voices and frustrated faces -- as well as his own staff -- by giving the tenants a choice. They could stay put in their roach- , rat- and bedbug-infested building while the city hired a contractor to try to fix the problems around them. Or they could move out for a year while the building was rehabbed. Or they could leave for three or four years while Temple Courts was reduced to rubble and replaced by a mixed-income community where current residents would have a guaranteed place.

Fenty said to the crowd: You've been told all your life what government is going to do to you. This time, whatever you choose, right here, right now, the District will do.

The mayor's aides had contemplated no such choice, but Fenty decided that only by giving residents the power to select their future could he win their trust and cooperation.

"Everybody was silent as he explained the options, and I thought, 'Oh gosh, they'll stay with the devil they know,' " recalls D.C. Council member Tommy Wells (Ward 6), who represents the Temple Courts area. "But they came back and said, 'We want out of here.' Maybe Adrian knew they'd make the right decision, but it was a gutsy move."

The overwhelming majority in the room said Temple Courts was unsalvageable. They would take the vouchers and count on coming back to something entirely new and different. The bureaucrats exhaled in relief.

But Wells remains outraged that the owner of the complex gets to make a profit after it permitted the buildings to deteriorate so badly. "They should not be able to get away scot-free from what they've done to these folks," Wells says. "It's just unconscionable that the city has to go in there and fix up that property because Bush won't take care of it."

Bush's regional manager, Andrew Viola, says his company did all it could to keep Temple Courts in decent shape. "We're not slumlords," he says, noting that his company fixed violations cited by city inspectors. Yes, there are roaches, but "there's a reason they've been around since prehistoric times." Yes, there are rats, but "there are issues with that all over D.C. All I know is, I'm glad I'm out here in Virginia."

Viola is glad to be getting out of Temple Courts. He agrees that mixed-income communities are the right thing to build but says his company didn't see evidence that the District was willing to provide a sufficient subsidy to make such a project feasible.

David Jannarone, director of development in the deputy mayor's office, says the city will put somewhere between $30 million and $100 million of subsidies into the mixed-income project and expects to seek a developer this summer.

And then, when Temple Courts is emptied out, a couple of hundred more families will search for a place to live in an ever-more-expensive city. It's a risk Taneka Wright is eager to take, because of the promise of a better place and because "this building needs to come down. It's New Jack City in there, and I will not have rat droppings in my baby's crib."

Fragile

Sometimes a brave front is hard to keep up. I have some good days and the bad days I try my best to ignore the bad ones. I try to pretend they don't happen and then something will tip me off. I think holding it in sometimes just causes me to implode and then explode eventually when someone says something or I see something I can't hold it in.
I find myself holed up in my apartment because I can think in quiet as my mind races. I am always trying to figure out a plan and what I can do to make life a little bit less complicated. I don't answer the phone, not because I am avoiding, I just may not have anything to talk about or I may be really emotional and I don't feel like opening my wounds any more than I already have.

I know that God is always in control but I recognize that I hate not knowing what is around the corner for me. When I was a kid my home life was really jacked up, I remember brief times where I was worry free. I remember times when I did actually play but there was always pain soon to follow. I remember my mother beaten down, times she wanted to give up and I remember trying to cheer her up. I never felt steady because I never knew what was going to happen next. I never really had a stable home where there was no crying, screaming or people hurting each other. I try my best to block out the memories but they have been rushing back to me as of late. I figure what a better time than now to have flashbacks right? Wrong.

I guess I never really dealt with the ghosts in my past or the Devil has devised a plan to set me back. I feel very fragile, tired, drained, and overwhelmed lately. I am assuming it's the pregnancy as well as stress. I have learned during pregnancy it is best to try and keep a good attitude and surround yourself with positive people. I am doing my best to stay active but I can never get my body to actually get up and move. I can sit down and become glued to whatever I decided to sit or lay on. I sit and sit and sit as my mind drifts and then I fall asleep. I enjoy feeling my child twist and turn and even cause my tummy to protrude, how amazing. I am trying to accept that there are some hormonal changes going on I just hate when I feel fragile and weak. It's almost over and I can't wait to get my mind and body back.

Honesty

I was talking to my grade school friend the other day and she said something to me that was a bit surprising. She said she was encouraged by my strength. I had to make a decision and it was fairly easy once I finally got some sense. The road ahead is another story altogether and not as easy. Leaving my child’s father was easy because I realized that men are more evolved and should be there for there women especially if there are with child. He made it clear that he was not serious about being in a relationship or me and to really clear when he hit it on the head and said “We were in a flaky relationship". I knew then I had made the right choice to move on. The sad part was I really loved him for everything he was and was willing to forgive all the things he was not. All I ever wanted from him was love, intimacy beyond the bedroom, affection, spiritual growth, friendship, kindness, passion and compassion. He once said I was the kind of woman he would marry, interesting, surprising, and crazy. I thought I had met the one and I bragged that I never wanted to kiss another man for the rest of my life. At one point I thought God was telling me to be patient, hold on, have faith, he is your husband and he will be everything I have shown you. I think I ran wild with that and tried to reap the reward if any way too soon. I may have been disillusioned and just saw in him what I wanted to see, what I wanted him to be. I may have willed myself to really believe and reality was he was not playing for keeps but for what was comfortable in the now and not the future. I know who I am and flaky is so not me. I crave a stable life free of my generational curses and failure. I ask Christ/God to plant the seed of healing and forgiveness in my heart so that he his will can be done in my life. “Use me Lord to show someone the way, and enable me to say my storage is empty, and I am available to you”.

I am still human and the rawness of all that has transpired still draws tears to my eyes but they don’t last long at least not as of late. I accept the fact that I am just the woman carrying his child and that what I thought was friendship was just a comfortable set up he was floating on until the next thing that caught his interest came by. I am being reborn with each new day and I know that even though 1 man did not love me I know God does and he’s crazy about me. I am slowly leaving that scared little girl behind and rejecting anything that resembles flakiness, wishwashiness, madness, mayhem, and foolishness.

I don't do anything flaky because I am an adult and childish ways should be behind me and under my feet like the devil who loves to keep us running in place. You can watch your friends and family surpass you and he’s laughing all the while as you try to catch up. I know me and the direction I want to go and forward is the only way to go for me. I accepted his flakiness I acknowledge my part and I had to pay the price, like my mother would say “A hard head makes a soft behind”. The hard part was knowing he would never support me and that I stayed way too long. I really opened my heart and was interested in a really honest, love infested relationship. I allowed my need quest for love to overlook my morals. I fornicated and played house thinking I would get house and love in return. God said not so but I know your tired, I know your heart desires to be one and not lead a single life but that's not how you go about it. Many times I lie there crying inside because I knew I was in the wrong. God was speaking to me to be obedient and I still did as I pleased. I strayed away from church and I noticed that I was becoming more and more unhappy because I was not living right. I was longing for inner peace, it did not matter how nice and happy I appeared on the outside I was not content on the inside. I see where I went wrong because I allowed my longing for love to cloud my vision. I did not take the time to study the character and fell for what I thought could be. I did not have Christ with me/us in the relationship, which was something I always longed to have. I always wanted to spiritually grow with a mate. Sometimes we don't want to hear the honesty in things, but God will always reveal it to you. I always ask God to tell me who I am and show me the direction I should go, this is my constant prayer.

There was times when it felt so good (sex) but there was always the feeling of emptiness that lingered within. Many times God would call to me saying how you can lie in this bed of sin knowing it's not my will. Your dreams will never be realized this way, be obedient or you will suffer. My God look how you work and I can't afford to fail you, myself or this child any longer. I knew some things in me had to be broken down and reconstructed and I am more humble for it. Looking back I see how things feel apart between us because there was the absence of Christ/God in the relationship. I guess I am strong even when I don't think I am. It's almost over and even though it was horrible starting out it eventually got better because he is a provider amongst many things. God is such a forgiving God.

My cousin called me brave and I was blown away at that. I never looked at myself that way I guess because she has her husband and they love each other and really try to work together. My circle is really sad about the outcome but I realize I fell for someone for who I thought he was and who I thought he could be and that was not the case at least not mine. I guess when you get down to the wire you see a persons true character. I am sure he will fall in love if not in love with whomever he is with now, he will lavish them with all they need and mean what he says next time, I still pray for his peace of mind and happiness. I remember him saying I would do all he can to be here for you and the baby, I guess that was his flaky side talking because it never happened. I can't be mad or sad anymore, I made the choice to believe in him and believe what he said.

I kept the secret of why I was having this child with me and I could not hold it any longer. He felt as if he lost when I was against it. I felt horrible knowing that I could be taking something away from someone, especially knowing they really wanted it. I felt like I would be the bad guy and I would disappoint everyone. I was under a lot of pressure and caved. I know in the end this will be a great reward but I learned that I have to be stronger and not concede to someone else’s wishes and to be obedient. In the end you have to be happy and in this lesson I learned how to be brave and strong even when you think you are all alone your not. I just say what I feel now and I could care less at this point. Gone are the days that I just allow folks to do and say whatever to me. If you aint right trust me I will let you know especially if it concerns me. My sister/friend says God has not given you the spirit of fear. My friend and my cousin called me brave and strong and sometimes I don't feel that way but I know now that people are watching I have to press on and own up to those words. I feel just a little bit lighter now, a little more free letting all that out.

Thank you Jesus

Ramblings

So I missed work yesterday due to the Iraq like explosions that have been going off in my neighborhood. It's bad enough that I barely sleep anymore because I can't get comfortable but I am usually in a light sleep only to be startled by the fireworks. They sound like the world is coming to an end and it's usually followed by car alarms and childish laughter. This usually goes on into the wee hours of the night and usually end about 3 am. Fun right? Wrong so wrong.
I did get some sleep last night due to the fact the police literally posted up outside my building. The Housing Authority has taken over the building along with the police and I am just waiting to see what will happen next. They want us to move but have nowhere for us to go. I know GOD will provide and I am just done with worrying about it. If push comes to shove I will lock my stuff up in storage and find a shelter.My friends who want me to move in with them but I am not interested in a temporary home,I love them dearly for the effort but I got to take care of myself. It's not a pride thing but I have been placed in this situation for a reason I am a learning lessons from it everyday.

My mother is that type of woman, and she did all she could and had to do to provide a stable home for my sisters and me, why should I do any different. Ah the joys of being a single mother. My hats off to the women who came before me and worked it out. I thought about that as I climbed the urine drenched stairs. I usually get a thought or two when I have to climb them due to the continued elevator outages. I know some folk’s wonder why don't I just move and I just laugh on the inside. Where in the world am I going to go? Has anyone seen the prices for rent and mortgages lately? All I can do is trust that God will continue to provide food and shelter for us and I am done letting the devil see my tears. I could be worse off, no food, no home, no job, no friends and family. I thank God for all my blessings even when things seem to be the darkest. Sometimes things can be so overwhelming and you just don't know which way to turn, eventually once I get the strength I turn to God and just cry out...Help me.

So my AC is on the fake out and I literally sweat it out all night because it will pretend to come on and then decide it has better things to do. I have my trusty fan that does the best it can by me and I appreciate the loyalty.

I can fit my shoes again, let's see how long that last.

I tried to get comfortable in bed the other day and my baby had other plans. I went to pull myself over and turn and once I did I felt the craziest pain. I don't know if it was the head or the butt or an arm but it was poking out so much it hurt. I vowed to myself to be more careful next time because it was not a good feeling. I love to watch my tummy jump and move as my child gets into any position it dang well chooses. Someone asked me If I talked to my baby and I said no, I only said no because I thought It was a stupid question. If you know me then you know I talk to my child and pray for my child and even rub my belly to somehow bond and transfer some love to my child... Do I talk to my child, funny question. If you don't know that I do then it is safe to assume you don't know much about me.

So far I have been trying to enjoy my summer with fun filled activates. I have surrounded myself with people who love me and know what it's like to relax and have a good time. I have been to Canaan Valley which I plan on going back to in August and VA beach my favorite place to play in the water. I have a NYC trip planned to visit my Auntie who is overjoyed about my pregnancy. I really want to go back to the beach again just once more. I love VA beach for some reason. I have to make the best of my summer and I have twice the excitement for next.

I have a tendency to say things at times that folks don’t get are a jokes, come on really can't you tell when I am being a smart butt. If we aint cool, what makes you think I am not going to be sarcastic with you.

A song to inspire a blog:Musiq Soul Child

All I have to say is "Teach Me How to Love" Is beautiful song. I guess I am true romantic and lover of honesty. I am also a music junkie so there is a vast array of music that appeals to my musical pallet. Everything from Carol King to KRS1 and Cyndie Lauper. This song basically is about a man who cares enough about himself, his woman and his relationship to humble himself and say "Teach Me How to Love". I blogged a day or so ago about my nephew and I thought of this song. Eventually he will be a man and showing him how to love now will benefit him in the future. I love the fact that he likes to race cars and wrestle but I also need him to understand compassion and that giving a hug or a kind word is alright too. I always looked at him as my own and felt a maternal pull to him. I guess I felt a need to step in and provide certain things I knew he would need to make it. I also feel with each day that my unborn grows inside of me that maternal instinct has kicked itself up a few notches and the need to connect on a deeper level with my babies is more important now that ever.

Boys to Men

I find that I have to constantly stay on my little man because he has a tendency to pass the buck. I don't want him to grow up not giving of himself and waiting for others to do things he should be doing on his own. I notice how he is with the girls in our life and I see a need to bump up some things for him. How are we raising the man-child. Too many times I have listened to women, myself included at some point about men who don't really act like men. There is a continued frustration amongst sisters who can't even get a man to hold her hand much less comprehend the importance of family. Are we really loving each other to the full potential, are we sending our young men out into the world without implanting in them that your counterpart is very valuable to them.

I think about Omar and I pray that I am able to teach him how to be a gentleman, how to fearlessly show his feelings, how to be romantic, passionate, spiritual, compassionate, humble and understanding. I really believe he will have a better chance in the crazy world for it. I believe upon meeting a mate that chooses him, she will be happy about the man he is. I ran into a woman who believed that in order for her son to be a man he needed to model his life after his father whom happens to be a pimp. She was ok with the fact that he would not cherish a woman and not be responsible for her and treat her like a queen. I see her frustration with him now and the potential heartache that will follow, but at the same time she pushes him to a more destructive lifestyle. How are we raising our boys? Are we raising them to be leaders, to be strong, to be selfless in a selfish world? Or are we saying its ok you don't have to try to be upstanding.

Father God please give me the strength and guidance to raise Omar in the way he should go into the world. I believe he will be a better man and a great asset to any church, woman, child, friend, or company. It's so important to arm our boys with love and affection because it will easier later on in life to show love with strength. It will not hinder them from spirituality, romance, and intimacy on many different levels. I pray for all my man children out there because we need you.

Lessons about Love and the Experience of Pregnancy

I ran across some literature to give some understanding... a little prayer helped as well because I am always willing to learn, especially the word of God. I am always on a search for him and what his will is in my life. I spent so much time upset about where I felt others had failed me or treated me unkind. I am still learning to forgive and let go and to move on. Love is what love does; it's not just words but the actions behind it.There are so many angles that have shown me the spirit of giving. They say when you give you get back ten fold and I feel very blessed. I get emotional when I think of the kindness bestowed upon me,sometimes I don't feel worthy. My friends helping me get my shoes on, to helping me lotion my legs,bringing me food,giving me money, keeping me company,rubbbing my swollen fat feet,my back,praying for me. I see God in them and I feel so blessed. When you think about it, it can be very easy to give others what they need not just what's comfortable for you. Romans 12 speaks to us about how we deal with one another.

Though Christ wants us to love one another we also need to be mindful of those who do not treat us with love and kindness. You do not have to tolerate not being treated well because you are a child of God and he does not want to see any of his children hurting. I really believe that having my family and friends around me has helped to foster a better relationship with my unborn child. So you learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. Love is what love does. My close friends and family are so excited for the birth of this child and I feel so bless that so many people are moved by my pregnancy. Who knew? God knew that this child would come. There were so many health issues I had dealt with in the past and doctors telling me “I need to put you on this medication or that medication". I was basically told if I were to become pregnant I would need assistance. I always had a fear of getting too involved with men because ALL the men I dated seriously in the past at some point proposed marriage and children. I knew I was not ready to marry any of them because I knew that it was not in God's will. I also feared disclosing what seemed to be a physical problem to them for fear I would not fulfill what they needed and would I be rejected. Jacked up right? I needed to learn I was worthy of love regardless and that someone would love me unconditionally.
I am still learning that you come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. The person who really loves you can demonstrate love and be there no matter what the situation. Love will never leave you lonely; love will be there to whisper in your ear I will catch you if you fall. Love will always fight, Love is what Love Does.

So in all this rambling I have been doing I pray that the love of God fills us all and we go forward in life anew. Lord, open our eyes so that we might see in your word something that speaks to each of us and moves us to action and transformation and we ask this in Christ name. Amen.

So many thoughts run through my mind 6/25/07

I have a tendency to think a lot, I don't mean a little bit at a time i mean a lot. Sometimes I wonder If i think too much. I am losing sleep, I just want God show me what it is he would have me do. I am know I am blessed but I will not lie my faith waivers. Why is he in my life? Will he be who God says he is? Where is his heart,am I a priority to him. Who is he? God grant me a loving relationship with a 2 parent home for my future unborn. Thank you for being for being the Great I Am.

Women And Apples

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. YOU'RE A GOOD APPLE

Tired

I am so tired today, I just upchucked everything I ate about an hour ago. Sleep escaped me every night. It's so frustrating trying to get comfortable because I never seem to get it right. My hips are starting to hurt in the middle of the night because I can only sleep on my sides. Sleeping on my back offers some relief but not for long. Throwing up really wipes you out physically, but in a sick and twisted way it makes me feel better once I am done.

I tried to clean my apartment up on Sunday and ended up over doing it. My ac was off so that did not help either. Welcome to the life huh! I know I did too much because I even ventured to the grocery store in the heat. My bags were heavy as hell but I did not have anything in my home to eat. What else works my nerves....ah yes driving and driving while hot, hungry, sad, and let's not forget tired. I usually can't wait for the day to be over so I can sleep, well pretend to sleep. I just lay there most of the time letting my mind run until I can't hold my eyes open anymore.

I am really trying my best to enjoy my summer but with each passing day it gets harder. I figure between the heat and the life force inside of me is enough to zap anyone’s energy. I still try because I am still that little kid inside that never wanted to take a nap. I used to think I was missing something if I took a nap, same feeling still applies today. I think my goal for the summer is to stay cool and wet, eat well and relax as best as I can. I really want to go back to Canaan Valley because it is so beautiful and relaxing. There is something about being around nature that really soothes my heart, body and soul. I guess I feel like I am amidst God's rawest creations. I appreciate the wind in the trees and the ripple of the streams and long to let it all envelope me.

Just thinking of that place gave me a small boost of energy to last me a momemt of so until the end of the day.

What would I do without you...

So my mother was hit by a car on June 12, 2007. I just thank God she is not dead or left handicapped. I was notified while at work and just lost it. I hate feeling helpless and not being to always be there for the people I love. I understand that I can't be everywhere all the time but damn. My mother has always sacrificed and worked hard for her family and to know she is hurting and not wanting for anything to causes me distress. Sometimes I wonder what more can happen in my life. I really believe the devil tries to show his face every chance he gets. I just keep asking God to give me strength to keep my head up and press on regardless of the situation.

I find myself calling on the Lord more and more and asking him to keep me and my loved ones in his unchanging hand. This world can be a hard place to live at times. We all seem to be living check to check or worrying about the war. We have our brothers and sisters dying in Darfur and in many other places around the world. Crime is an everyday thing. Somewhere in the madness we have to ask God for peace and guidance. I am not saying I am perfect but I am trying to live a good life. I have to stay in constant prayer to remember that God will always heal a broken heart and make a way out of what may seem impossible. I have very human moments where I can't help but to worry because I can't see what the end result is. I ask God in those times to just keep the tears from falling and to keep my heart open and understanding of what he wants for me.

So let's see, mom was threatened 2 weeks ago, caught 2 mice, one died on top of my stove (gross), a horrible cold, no sleep because I am so uncomfortable now that my stomach is growing, no ac, no elevators (most of the time), car troubles (leaving me broke), mother getting hit by a car, uncertain of where we will live, and pregnant. I could go on and on but I won't because I have to keep praising him. I have to give him all the glory in my life because I am still standing. You may think that your life is so horrible but trust me when I say there is someone else who has it worse. I thank God for all I have and all he will bless me with.

My mother is still with me, she may be beaten and bruised but she's still here thank God, I am so very blessed.

St. Michael the Archangel

St. Michael the Archangel
(Hebrew "Who is like God?").

St. Michael is one of the principal angels; his name was the war-cry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against the enemy and his followers. Four times his name is recorded in Scripture:
http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/10275b.htm

St. Michael, the Archangel - Feast day - September 29th The name Michael signifies "Who is like to God?" and was the warcry of the good angels in the battle fought in heaven against satan and his followers. Holy Scripture describes St. Michael as "one of the chief princes," and leader of the forces of heaven in their triumph over the powers of hell. He has been especially honored and invoked as patron and protector by the Church from the time of the Apostles. Although he is always called "the Archangel," the Greek Fathers and many others place him over all the angels - as Prince of the Seraphim. St. Michael is the patron of and sickness.

Helpmate

I wanted to say thank you to my helpmate for all you do for me.
I thank you for helping me get into a better position when I turn at night. For helping me roll over and also for lending a hand when I have to get out of bed. For providing clothing for me now that my clothes are starting to get tight. Thank you for holding me at night and making me feel safe. Thank you for allowing to share my dreams and my fears and bonding with me and the baby. I look forward to sharing every experience with you before and after this baby is born and I am glad to know you will not miss a moment of this blessed time.

I thank you for reminding me how special this baby and I am to you. For easing my pain when I hurt and for wiping my tears when you can't. Thank you for helping me put on my clothes and taking them off when I need help oh and my shoes.

Thank you for making me smile every single day and spending time with me even when I am doing ok. For helping with the house, laundry and groceries when I am too tired. When the elevator is broken you help me up the stairs. Thank you for being a good protector. You make me feel wanted, loved and at peace. I was in such mental turmoil and dealing with heartach and dissappointment and then you came and allowed me to feel whole again. I love you, I don't know where I would be if you had not came to my rescue. I can't thank you enough for being so good to me. I am really blessed to have you as my helpmate.

Mouse in My House

There was a mouse in my house and he ran all about.
Putting me all into a panick and I could not have that.
Ripping and running I was scared out my mind, untill I got up the guts to catch his behind.
I laid a trap sticky and he was eventually caught all wiggley but I still had to get him out my home.
Alive he lay there with no where to go, I was still afraid he would bite my toe.
So I wacked him good with a swat of my broom and felt bad because I brought him to his final doom. He's still in my kitchen dead because I am chicken to move him and go on with life.
1 little mouse could create all that strif.
Someone come and get his butt out my kitchen.

That was one of the highlights of my Mother's Day.

Cable No More

So I have to cut off my cable, it was hard but it had to be done. I realize there are certain things that are not a priority to me right now and having cable is one of them. My hair is nappy, I am conserving my money, making room where there was no room before and cutting off my cable. Having food,gas for my car and just plan ole extra money in my account is more important than anything. I have to consider what will allow me to have a more stable life in the long run. Gone are the days of eating out for lunch everyday or buying friverlous trinkets just because I want it.
I got to do what I got to do.

Taking on Omar

When I found out my youngest sister was going to have her first child I was very disappointed. She was 14 years old and wild as ever. My mother and I did all we could to keep her on the right track but she seemed to pull the other way. I remember times where I would be so stressed out from going to court, or taking her to the hospital after having her face bashed in. Then came Omar, out of all that madness. I tried to lead by example and show her a different way but that was not the path she wanted to take and I had to let her learn on her own.

When I look back now I can't imagine life without him. He has pushed me to do better and become a better person; I guess a call to my conscience. My mother has done the bulk of care giving since my sister lost custody of him. I share in the responsibility of raising him and making sure he becomes a productive individual. I recognize a change in him now and I can sum it up to a couple of things. Omar's father will most likely never see the free world again and my sister shows no interest in being a role model in his life. I am not really bothered anymore by it because I knew someone had to give this kid a shot in life. My mother is such a wonderful example of strength and courage that I knew the time was coming for me to take Omar full time.

I know this task is not going to be easy and will test my strength and patience, but it has to be done. My mother and I discussed this years ago and that time is fast approaching. I had dreams about how my life would turn out and all of those included Omar. I dreamed I would build my relationship with Christ, travel, meet a wonderful man who would understand what it was to take on a ready made family, get married, have a baby, buy a home, you know that stuff dreams are made of. Unfortunately some of those dreams will have to be deferred but I have to press on. With a baby on the way and the possibility of not having a home to house the children I am under a lot of stress. I am trying everyday to hold it together and figure out a plan. God has not led me to this place only for me to turn back now. I trust that he will have me land on my feet and protect me, the children and the dreams I have for a better life.

I pray that God continue to give me the strength I need to press on. I pray that I am able to raise these children the only way he sees fit. I pray that God keep me in the bosom of his love and continue to be my everything. Even when I am feeling down for the count I know God is there with me. I look forward to raising Omar; he is an exceptional child who I get the privilege of knowing. I just pray that I am able to provide the best life possible for him and my child.

You and I

As I lie there all alone you suddenly made your presence known. Just when I thought it was just me you let me know you were there with me. I tried to call someone, anyone but I did not get an answer. I let the phone ring and realized that I would just enjoy your company. I have you to talk to, I have you to share my dreams and when I am feeling afraid your right there with me. I know this did not turn out the way I had dreamed but I know with you by my side I have a little bit of strength to pull through. It's crazy to think about it because I was balling my eyes out moments before and you let me know you were there and you brought a smile to my face. I found myself giggling just a little and the heartache I felt before melted away.

I just wanted to let you know you are the love of my life and I thank you for being here with me. The joys of pregnancy, it's just you and me kid...I'll never forget this night...yippy your first kick.

The Art of Courtship and Romance

1. a: to seek to gain or achieve
2 a: to seek the affections of; especially: to seek to win a pledge of marriage from
1: to engage in social activities leading to engagement and marriage

I've always considered myself to be a true romantic at heart. I would daydream about my pretend beau and hope he was like minded. I also consider myself a simple girl that still wants the finer things in life, but I know how to make happiness where I can. In the times we live in everyone is so flashy glossy, either you have to be a baller or the next video girl. Well I am not looking to be the next video girl and I don't mind an average Joe. I can say I did my share of dating and I could tell a story or two. I dated one guy who only ate bar food and did not talk much, yet he wanted to be around me all the time ugh. I was so bored and sick of wings and fries, I wanted to scream. I also went out this one guy who turned every phrase into a love song; I would think how corny are we???? I was hoping he would think of something original to say to me so we could actually have a conversation....never happened lol. There was a period of two years where I dated a military man and he was wonderful. He would come and pick me up from work sometimes with a flower or two in hand. He was funny as all get out and never had a problem showing how proud he was to be with me. He came out to everything I did in support of my craft and was usually the loudest person in the audience. I loved him very much and if it were not for politics and being deployed we would probably still be together. I think that just because two people don't end up together does not mean something was not right, sometimes that is not the path God has for either of you.But if you can't commit to him you probably can't commit to a relationship.Your path with your partner will only end up in some sort of destruction. When you put God aside in your relationship you put the progress for it to grow in a healthy way aside. So are you on a path to him? I remember we would get lunch, nothing fancy and just sit out and talk till the sun went down. He would hug me a lot and I never refused them, I felt very comfortable in showing my affection for him.

He knew how to court a woman, and was happy to be on the receiving end. I don't think a lot of men use there imagination these days when it comes to dating. What happened to indoor picnics in the living room with candlelight? Conversation that focused on each other and not work. If you don't know what to come up with for your lady, get to know her friends. They will always help when it comes to making there friend happy. Pay attention, make mental notes and asking questions always helps in the long run. I really believe it's about meeting your partner where they are. It's not fair when one person is satisfied and the other is left undone. Sometimes you have to remember that though it may not be your style and not something you do, the look on your partners face should make it all worth it. Now if you don't care about making your partner happy you need to be alone. If you’re out of touch or disconnected find a way to fix it if you care,if you’re lazy then a relationship is not something you should be trying to pursue. I don't know any relationship that made it on not trying; it takes lots of love and work. The art of courtship does not have to take a lot of money or any money if your intentions are true. If you use your imagination and heart things should work out fine.... I think lol. Prayer is something I also always relied on in my relationships. I pray for guidance, understanding, and a continued loving spirit not just for myself but also for my partner. I think about this all the time but Valentine's Day kind of really gave me some time for reflection. Valentine's Day is a commercial holiday which is fine for those who feel the need to go out to dinner or buy jewelry and all that jazz. I personally am a simple girl, I would feel totally happy with being showered with words of affection, and a home cooked meal and plenty of kisses and hugs. Hey if you want to buy a balloon and a flower or two that's fine as well but it's not about the show all the time for me, sometimes you just want to connect. I hope I made sense with this blog and I hope you all get the love you deserve.